When Skies Are Gray

Madoc Griffiths turned over on the bed and reached for the warmth that had been there mere seconds ago. When his hand slid over the cold sheet, he sighed. He’d done it again. An ache spread in his chest and a lump formed in his throat. He didn’t want to open his eyes, didn’t want to see the empty side of the bed, the bare white walls, or the sad clothes hooks where only his clothes hung. If he concentrated, he could remember the dream, remember the smooth skin under his palm as he ran his hand up Levi’s arm, remember his scent. He could see the tousled dark hair as he turned over to look at Madoc, see the heat in his hazel eyes. With a shuddering breath, he threw off the cover and sat on the bedside. When would this stop? Fifteen months. It had been fifteen months since he shredded his every hope of happiness. The lump in this throat grew bigger, his eyes burned, and despite telling himself he’d done the right thing, the only possible thing, the longing wouldn’t go away. It had been the right thing to do. Reaching for his phone, he checked the time. Five minutes until the alarm would go off. At least he’d slept through the night. His joints cracked as he stood, and he stretched to get the kinks out of his neck. The house was silent. Empty. Everything was silent and empty since Levi had left—since he’d made Levi leave. He walked into the kitchen and switched on the coffee maker before heading to the bathroom for a quick shower. He hadn’t more than wrapped a towel around his hips after getting out when the doorbell rang. For a second, his heart sped up, but soon his brain caught up with him and reminded him Levi wasn’t in the country anymore and hadn’t been in the country for close to six months now. With a sigh, he went to the hallway. “Happy birthday!” Lisa pushed him out of the way so she could get in. The familiar scent of her perfume tickled his nose as she squeezed herself past him. There were a bunch of yellow roses and two purple balloons on a string in her hand. “Lis, what are you doing here?” Madoc glanced at the clock. He didn’t have time for this. “I only wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Go put something on. I have bagels in my bag so we can grab a quick breakfast before work.” She walked into the kitchen without giving him a second glance, put the roses on the counter, and reached for cups and plates in the cupboard. Madoc sighed and went into the bedroom to get dressed. “Have you heard from him?” Lisa appeared in the doorway right as he did the last button on his shirt. Reaching for a tie, he shook his head. “No. We said no contact.” We. He’d made Levi promise he wouldn’t contact him. “But it’s your birthday.” Madoc shook his head, not trusting his voice to remain steady if he spoke. “Doc…” Ever since he was a kid, Lisa had called him Doc, and now almost everyone did. She walked into the room and waved away his hands so she could tie the tie. He wanted to snarl, wanted to ask her to leave, tell her he was perfectly capable of tying his own ties, but he forced his lips to stay shut. “I worry about you, you know. I miss you.” She looked up at him, her green eyes, the same shade as his, were filled with concern. “You’re not the same man anymore. When was the last time you smiled?” “I smile.” “Yeah?” She flattened her hands on his chest. “I haven’t heard you laugh in ages.” Madoc didn’t reply. He couldn’t remember when he’d laughed last. “You should call him or…” She frowned. “Is there a way to get in touch with him? There has to be, right?” Shaking his head, he walked out of the bedroom. On the kitchen counter he found two plates with one smoked salmon bagel on each. The sight made him stop. He hadn’t had a proper breakfast in weeks. “It looks delicious.” Lisa raised an eyebrow, just like he often did, just like their mother used to do. “You’re not taking care of yourself. I don’t care what you think you did or didn’t do for him, but either you get him back or you snap out of this.” She pushed a plate at him. “Eat, drink, laugh, cry if you must, but for f**k’s sake, snap out of it.” “I thought you came to wish me a happy birthday.” He took a bite of the bagel so he wouldn’t have to talk. “I did. We’ve booked a table at The Windmill at seven. Everyone will be there. We’ll eat, have a glass of wine, and it will be lovely. You will smile, you will laugh, and you will joke with everyone like you used to.” Courtland? He was to drive all the way to Courtland? “Lis, I don’t—” “No, I don’t want to hear it! Either you start living again or I’ll…” She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head. The shade of her red hair wasn’t identical to the one she’d been born with—the shade both of them had been born with—but it was close. She, like him, had white streaks in her hair. She disguised them under a layer of bottled youth, he didn’t have the energy to care. Madoc didn’t want to start living again. The first time he’d seen Levi it had been like he’d been hit by lightning. The first touch had lit a fire inside him hot enough to burn his sense away. The first time they’d kissed, Madoc had known what it was like to be whole. He took another bite of the bagel to chase away the memories wanting to rise. “Be there.” Lisa closed the door a bit harder than necessary, making him wince. Her bagel sat untouched on the plate, the roses were lovely in a vase on the counter, and the balloons swayed where she’d tied them to his chair. Guilt bloomed in his mind, but he waved it away, grabbed his things, and got ready for work. * * * * Levi Campbell saluted the group of fellow green-clad soldiers as he headed for the canteen. The heat was oppressive, sweat pearling on his brow as soon as he walked out into the sun. Iraq—Never in his wildest fantasies had he believed he’d go to Iraq. It had been such a stupid thing to do. He’d been here for six months, dressed in the same green clothes every day, unless they were patrolling in the desert, then they wore the Cookie Dough Camouflage, staring at the same sand every day, and cursing his decision to enlist…every f*****g day. Drills, training, patrols—it all melted together. He’d believed he’d at least be allowed to have his cell phone so he could call home when he wanted; had hoped he could at least, sporadically, send a text to Doc. He might have promised not to contact him, and he’d mostly kept that promise. He’d only sent one text and it had been right before he’d had to leave his phone behind. But it had been fifteen months now—fifteen lonely months, surely it would be okay to send a text…if he’d been able to text. Groaning, he turned toward the small building with the phone booths. Sometimes he had to wait in line for ages. There were four phones available and many who wanted to talk to their loved ones, but he’d figured out pretty quickly that it was best to make his calls when everyone else went to eat; less of a line then. Today he was lucky, there was one unoccupied booth. He punched in Amanda’s number and waited. Several signals rang through, he was about to hang up when there was a crackle. “Hello?” “Amanda?” “Oh my God, Levi. Are you okay?” He frowned at the dirty doodles on the wall. “I’m fine, why?” “You never call at this time.” “Because if you’d worked last night, you’d be asleep, and I don’t know your schedule anymore.” He counted the hours backward on his fingers—nope, she’d be in bed no matter if she’d worked or not. “Sorry, I woke you.” He pictured her in bed, her long dark hair messy from sleep. When they’d lived together, she’d thrown pillows at him if he woke her too early. “You scared the f**k out of me. I thought something had happened.” “Nothing has happened. It’s really calm where we’re at. I’ve told you. You don’t have to worry.” She snorted. “Right.” “I promise. All we do is patrol. The people are friendly. Nothing is going to happen.” He hoped. It would be so stupid to die here before he got to see Doc again. He’d done what Doc had told him—to have an adventure—but the plan had always been to go home after and get him back. If Doc believed it was over, he was in for a surprise. It all depended on Levi surviving, of course—and Doc not having found someone else. He cursed the army. Why the f**k did the contract have to be so long? It wasn’t until he’d already signed up that it had sunk in for how long he’d be away. Running his hand up and down his thigh until the rough fabric grew heated against his palm, he tried to calm down. Sometimes he was so stupid. “All it takes is one idiot.” “True, but there are idiots all over the world, who’s to say I’ll run into one here?” She yawned and softened her voice. “Did something happen?” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “No, it’s just…I wish I’d never come here.” “Yeah, I know.” “Why did I go, Mandi?” As overreactions went, heading off to Iraq wasn’t a small one. “Because you’re a brat and a hothead.” “I love him so much.” “I know. But you’ll get to come home to visit soon, right? Perhaps you can see him?” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “I promised not to. He told me he refused to be the one who stands in the way of me living my life, and he made me promise—” “How the hell did he get you to promise something like that?” Levi grimaced. He didn’t want to remember the…discussion. There had been a lot of shouting, he’d said a lot of things he didn’t mean, and then his damn pride had gotten the better of him, and he’d stormed off to enlist in the army—the f*****g army. And, for a while, Madoc’s arguments had made sense. Levi hadn’t agreed, but when Levi had blown up, Doc had calmly tried to reason with him. Of course, his arguments had made more sense than Levi’s shouted objections. Pretty quickly Levi had seen through it, though. Doc was scared, that was what it was all about—had to be. All through training, Levi had waited for someone to wake him up; had waited for Doc to call him, to come see him. When he hadn’t, Levi had gotten on a plane and gone to the sandy lands of the Middle East. And what for? Doc was back home, right where Levi was supposed to be. “He believes I’ll be wasting my youth if I’m with him, that I’ll grow to resent him if I don’t get out, and take chances, and see the world and whatever the f**k else you’re supposed to do when you’re young and free and stupid.” “But you’ve never wanted to be anywhere but home.” “I know!” He fisted his hair with his free hand and longed for the lush forests of Northfield. What the f**k was he doing in a sandbox? Was this taking chances and seeing the world? “I’ll resent him for this.” “Except he didn’t force you to enlist; didn’t even suggest it.” Levi groaned. “I wanted to prove him wrong.” “And I’m sure you did, honey. Tell me, does he know where you are?” “I sent him a text right before I had to give up my personal belongings.” He hadn’t reached out once during training, but when it was time to leave…What if he died here and Madoc never knew how much he loved him. “It’s the twenty-eighth of July today.” “It is.” Amanda stretched the words. Levi rubbed his neck, his skin sticky from the heat, and bounced his forehead against the wall. “He turns forty-two today.” Slowly, she blew out a breath. “Call him.” “I can’t.” “Levi, you’re miserable. Call him, if only to hear his voice. Wish him a happy birthday. It doesn’t have to be more than that.” His throat closed up. When his eyes started burning, he kicked the wall with his black standard-issue combat boot, not hard enough to disturb the man in the neighboring booth, but enough to relieve some of the tension. Anguish clung to his voice, but he didn’t care. “I can’t. I’ll…What if he doesn’t pick up? Or if I say something…You know me, I’ll say something inappropriate. Or I’ll cry.” Oh God, he would cry if he heard Doc’s voice. What if he called, Doc answered, and instead of wishing him a happy birthday he started sobbing? No, he couldn’t. “This whole breakup was because he thinks you’re too young for him, right? So don’t act like a f*****g brat. Call him, be polite and civilized, and end the call a few minutes in.” “I can’t. I would offer him a birthday BJ through the phone.” Mandi chuckled. “Perhaps save phone s*x until you’ve seen him again.” Levi laughed, but it came out mixed with a snuffle. Damn, tears were clinging to his lashes. He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. “Do you think I ever will?” The soothing tone of her voice should have annoyed him, but it didn’t. He tried wrapping it around him like a blanket. “Of course, you will. You’re surrounded by hundreds of young, fit, virile men and you’re pining after him—” “Painting a fantasy there, Mandi?” She snorted. “Remember when we were young? You could hardly zip up before your next conquest was lined up.” “Hey, I resent that.” She giggled. “What I mean is, you grew up. You met him, and you found your place in the universe. This is nothing but a little bump in the road.” “A two-year-long bump?” “You’ve done more than half of the time already.” Already? She had no idea how time dragged here. “Write him a letter.” “What?” “I know you’re allowed to send letters.” Writing? Longhand? He held his breath. He could write. It would probably give him a hand cramp, but that way he’d have time to think through what he said instead of blurting out stuff he’d regret later. And should he cry, Doc would be none the wiser. “I love you, Mandi.”