How Deep is Your Love?

32 - Natalie

I gripped the towel tightly as I stood in front of the mirror, my mind floating somewhere. I still felt surreal about the incident last night in Brian’s office. Wiping my face, I looked straight in the mirror and I could see a small smile hidden on my face. Yes, I do feel happy. However, as I met my reflection’s eyes in the mirror, I somehow felt lost, thrust back into the memory of yesterday.

“I know you find this unusual but…” Brian started after embracing me for a while now. “But I just want to hug you for a while. I know I’m always a jerk towards you. You can always push me if you don’t want to. I also don’t know why I am doing this. Maybe I’m still not fully awake yet? So maybe you can just consider this me doing this as a favor from you. I just…I just truly wanna thank you. Please let me hug you like this for a while.”

Breath, Natalie. Relax. My nerves, please cooperate and calm down.

But how could I? My heart is pounding out of my chest as if its racing with time, a hundred times faster than usual. I was beyond shocked as he held me in a warm embrace, obviously frozen, stiff. I’d never imagined this would happen here, right now, at this very moment. I have been hugged so many times before but have never felt like this.

After settling my feelings, my arms also encircled his torso and hugged him back as tightly as I could. My shoulders shook very slightly because I felt so overwhelmed and I summoned all my control so I wouldn’t cry.

“Don’t cry now, Natz. Because I hurt when you do.” He whispered ever so softly.

Silent tears involuntarily dropped and my fingers gripped his clothes even more tightly. His hand caressed me gently, rubbing my back up and down until I calmed down. I had mixed emotions inside me and, to be honest, I didn’t really know what to feel. I just couldn’t thank myself enough for being able to control my emotions or else I would have burst out crying after hearing his words. Minutes passed and I didn’t even know how long it was when I felt him gradually releasing me, gently tapping on my shoulder so I’d let go of him too. My already wet eyes met his as he took a step backward to create enough distance between us. His hand then carefully reached my face and I closed my eyes when I felt his thumb wiping away the remainder of my tears. He made a few strokes to dry it off before his arms fell back to his sides. I looked at him quite shyly, waiting for him to say something I guess, but he was also just silently staring back at me. His eyes neither held surprise or bewilderment or embarrassment. That is when I knew that he didn’t just hug me out of impulse. He intended to do so. He did also intentionally wipe away my tears. It was not a mistake.

“Thanks.” He said softly once more before he turned away and walked towards his desk to get something. Then he slowly walked towards the door where I was standing, giving me a light tap on my shoulder and motioning us to go. “Let’s go back.”

I was still a little shocked standing as I watched him walk past me towards the elevator and that’s when I secretly released a broad breath. I was still in a dilemma, but I had already started to follow him. Placing my hand on my chest, I gave out another sigh when my abnormal heartbeat started to normalize.

How can I simple gesture like that hug make me feel so dumbfounded and speechless?

“Natz?” I heard him call out and I saw Brian holding onto the elevator’s door, waiting for me.

O, Brian. If you only knew how much I love you.

That’s when I finally came to my senses, my happy cells jumping inside my body. I quickly ran towards him and stood beside him, giving him a shy smile.

Last night he was gentle.

Was it because he was sick?

Or that he has just recovered from having a high fever?

His words.

“Don’t cry now, Natz. Because I hurt when you do.”

What does he mean by that?

My cheeks burned after just thinking about it. The warmth I immediately felt after his sudden embrace. My heart. It pounded so loudly and with our silence, I am pretty sure he can hear my heartbeat too. And my eyes were tearing up uncontrollably as I hugged him back, tightly. I just made sure to control my wild emotions because I knew how much he hated seeing my tears. But when he said that, it felt so light and warm. And now, the thing is, hope surged inside me just because of that kind of gesture. Hope that maybe one day, somehow, he’ll really eventually learn to reciprocate my feelings of love. To add up, I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about that moment. The way he spoke and asked me to let him hug me. That request. His arms drew me in and the world just turned slowly as my chest was finally against his.

He said he hurts when I do.

I was still so lost in my thoughts when suddenly I heard a loud knock on the door. I slightly panicked as I wiped my face once more before taking a final look in the mirror and taking a deep breath. I made a turn towards the door of the bathroom and carefully turned and pulled the door open. Brian’s eyes were immediately on me, meeting my own pair of eyes. My thoughts immediately blurred and I felt so blank all of a sudden, blushing slightly.

“Are you…uhm…done with your stuff?” Brian asked first, breaking our almost awkward silence.

“Hmm? Oh…yes. I am done.” I replied shyly and shifted my eyes, looking anywhere but him.

“Right.” He said and I just stood there stupidly while he was patient enough to wait till I realized that I was still standing at the bathroom’s entrance. A minute passed and he cleared his throat, “ehem.”

“Geez. Sorry.” I gasped and spat upon realization before rushing out and running away till I disappeared from his sight.

This is so embarrassing. Ugh!

NATALIE!

What is wrong with me?!

***

Brian was quietly doing something on his laptop and I was equally quiet as well as I browsed through the TV channels. This is the very first time again that we actually spent some time together without fighting after getting married. We both had our breakfast after they delivered it to our room and then went to do our own thing even if we were both inside the suite. It was awkward, I know, and I was planning to open up a conversation but was quite scared to ruin the mood so I just chose to shut up and watch the television in silence. That was the set up for hours until a growl broke the ice.

Goodness!

I cursed my stomach for growling that loudly and I just couldn’t help but bury my face in my pillow.

“You feeling hungry now?” Brian asked as he moved to close his laptop and placed it on top of the side table.

“Huh?” I asked back, quite surprised at his initiative to start a conversation with me.

“Do you wanna go out with me for lunch?” He asked more clearly this time.

“W-what?” I blurted out before I immediately got up and sat, staring at him with surprise written all over my face. Then I kind of rephrased my question. “I mean. W-why?”

“You’re hungry, right? I’m feeling hungry too. If you want to go out for lunch, then maybe we can go?” He answered and asked back with some hesitation in his eyes. Putting his hand on his nape, I am sure he also felt quite embarrassed.

“Uhm. Yeah. Of course. If you want to. Yes.” I said right away and stood up excitedly, smiling at him. “You can’t change your mind, okay? I’ll just go and change very quickly.”

I ran towards my suitcase but I swear I heard him slightly chuckle.

He chuckled.

Does this mean that we’re somehow okay now?

Is he really no longer mad at me?

I thought his gentleness last night was just because he got sick, but seeing that he is fine now and still willing to spend time with me, I couldn’t complain. This could be the happiest day of my life as a married woman. With a very broad smile, I grabbed a simple Sunday dress and ran towards the bathroom to change clothes. This would be our very first date since we got here for his business trip and our honeymoon, so I want to make sure that I look presentable.

***

I looked up past the menu in my hands and our eyes met. I didn’t know that he was actually looking at me. Feeling shy, I instantly lowered my eyes, hiding away behind the menu card in my hands. Peeping, I saw a small smile appear at the corner of his lips. It’s funny and crazy that we both have been doing this for over a while now, ever since we got here. Looking at his expression, I could feel that he wanted to say something, but for some reason, he is holding back. As for me, though I feel so happy about the way things are going on, I could not help but wonder.

“Brian.” I called out, finally braving myself. Putting down the menu, I looked at him shortly before looking away when he met my eyes.

“Are you done choosing?” He asked, his brows slightly raised.

I nodded and told him the food that I wanted to eat. After that, he called the waiter and ordered our finally ordered our food.

“Why’re you being nice to me?” I suddenly asked as soon as the waiter walked away from our table. The way he looked at me, I could see that he was quite surprised by my question.

My heartbeat raced and I crossed my fingers that my sudden question wouldn’t ruin the mood. I just can’t help but ask what reason he has to treat me nicely. It is great but I wanted to know what caused the change. As far as I remember, he walked out of me after we fought over Zac a few days ago and never bothered to inform me of his whereabouts. Right now, I’m just a bit confused and want some clarifications.

I waited for a reply and, with a confused face, my eyes demanded an answer from him. For a minute, all I got was his eyes momentarily staring back into mine before he did anything else but look me in the eyes. Then I saw him sigh.

“Natz. I am not just being nice to you.” Brian finally replied as he looked into my eyes once more.

His expression was a bit confusing. I can see his clear hesitation, as if he had something to say. He looked serious, which made me worried and confused at the same time. Then, suddenly, I saw a glimpse of fear in his eyes which was instantly gone after he closed his eyes for a moment before looking back at me again.

What is he scared of?

“I…I just want to…” He continued but then trailed off. As he looked at me, he seemed to search for something in mine which made me feel a bit strange, anticipating what he had to say next. However, I felt a bit disappointed when he looked away and suddenly leaned backwards, relaxing his back on his chair. Then he said, “Mom called and reminded me of our supposed honeymoon. So, I’m just taking care of my wife. As simple as that. I don’t want us to go back and hear Mom’s nagging after you tell her everything that has happened in the past few days.”

More disappointment washed over me as his words reached my ears and somehow I felt a bit stupid for even expecting that something different was about to happen. I admit I was crazy enough to think that in his moments of hesitation, deep down inside me, I really thought that Brian might have actually realized that he liked me too. So that is why he is suddenly treating me nicely. But then again, I could only blame myself and my false expectations. Now I have to admit, it is really hard to soften a stone-cold heart.

What did I even expect?

Just because he hugged me warmly and asked me out for lunch doesn’t mean that he’s reciprocating my feelings.

I knew it. My heart just couldn’t help but expect something…even just a little.

"I am not that kind of a talker. I know what to share and what not to." I commented on his insinuation that I'd tell Tita Lorie about everything that happened between us here.

My eyes instantly misted so I lowered them away so he couldn’t see the pain of my disappointment.

"Natz-" He started but I cut him off.

“And yesterday? What did you mean when you said you'd hurt when I do?” I asked, but not looking at him.

Something stirred inside me and even if I was a bit scared of his answer, I still felt like he was trying to hide something from me and I just wanted to probe deeper. Regardless, I was in already. I am kind of sure that he was holding something back.

“I was not in my right mind,” he replied after a very long wait. Hundreds of knives started piercing my insides, but I know it is just me and my expectations. “Besides, words don’t always need to have a special meaning behind them.”

I was stunned and speechless for a while. I know that I’m already at the very edge and one more push would definitely make me burst out crying.

“Natz.” He called out and his fingertip suddenly lifted my chin up so I could meet his eyes. Seeing my teary eyes, I saw him stiffen for a moment as a glitch of emotion passed through his eyes. He blinked several times before coming back to his senses. “Look, I just don’t think that I’d want to keep fighting with you all the time. I know my temper isn’t the best, but I realized that I necessarily need to hate you. And no matter what, we’re already married. And I…even if I don’t love you…I decided after much thought that maybe we could at least be…f-friends.”

“Friends?” I echoed after a while and, with some hesitation in his eyes, he nodded slowly.

Emotions and thoughts swirled inside me. However, I also realized that if friendship is all he can offer now, then so be it. It is much better than being him being so cold towards me. And if he had already accepted me as a friend, then maybe, just maybe, he could also accept me as his real wife in the future.

Who knows?

I instantly turned my face away and wiped the tears pooling at the corner of my eyes. In the end, a light chuckle left my lips as I lowered my eyes to dry them. I decided to believe that him offering this friendship is actually a good thing and that is progress. Sighing, I looked back up to him with a small smile on my face. I then stretched out my hand towards him and said with much enthusiasm, “Friends.”

He looked surprised at my sudden change of mood but he accepted my hand after coming back to his senses. Shaking my hands firmly, he replied, “Friends.”

I tried my best to smile brightly and eventually withdrew my hand from his and cleared my throat to ease out all the awkwardness that was left between us. Then I saw him smile a little bit wider this time, which took me by surprise.

Calm down, my heart.

I know I am hurt. But being friends with Brian is so much better than nothing.

If being friends with you can make you smile like that, then, I’m definitely okay being your friend.

***