Not My Father's Daughter

Chapter 1: KerstinRing. Ring. Ring. Instantly wide awake, Kerstin swung her legs over the edge of the bed. On his side, Ralf kept on snoring as she hastened out into the hallway where the phone sat on a console next to the coat rack. “Meineke.” “Hello, this is Susi from the University Hospital in Augsburg. I have a Mrs. Yvonne Lutz here. Are you the daughter?” Twenty minutes later Kerstin hurried through the eerily silent and altogether too familiar foyer of the hospital. She found her mother in the ER, hooked up to an IV, her eyes bright and feverish as she waved a greeting. “They shouldn’t have called you. I just have some kind of infection.” Kerstin swallowed a sigh as she sat down next to her mom on the bed. There was no such thing as ‘just an infection.’ Not in a sixty-four-year-old woman with cancer that had originated in her left lung but since then spread not just to her lymph nodes, but several other organs in her body. Kerstin had barely time to take her mother’s hot hand in hers before Doctor Burgart, her mom’s oncologist, strode in. The Russian doctor, herself in her sixties, was exactly the no-nonsense type Kerstin normally related to, and until now, so had her mother. Except this time, her mom bluntly refused when Doctor Burgart proposed they not only keep her in the hospital until the infection cleared, but at the same time, start the new regimen. “I’m done, Anna. No more treatments.” Her mom’s words still resonated in Kerstin’s head long after the doctor had left. Sure, Doctor Burgart had started her mom on IV antibiotics, and thrown in some oxygen for good measure, the canula snaking out from her mom’s nose to some contraption on the wall behind the bed. But Kerstin had seen the doctor’s shoulders slump even before she calmly agreed that, of course, it was her, Yvonne’s, choice, and it had told Kerstin that this was not the first time the topic had come up between her mom and the doctor. But what about herself? Didn’t she get a choice, too? Kerstin’s eyes burned as she watched her mom’s lids flutter closed, her body small in the hospital bed, her face sallow even with the red fever splotches on her cheeks, sunken in, defeated. But there was no point in arguing now, not with her mom all drugged up, fighting whatever germ had invaded her already frail system. A text came in and, thinking it was Ralf, who would be getting up about now, she fished her cell phone out of her purse. She had left him a note next to the coffee pot where he was sure to find it but it was so early still that he may not have been in the kitchen yet. It’s been great seeing you again. Want to hook up some time? It was accompanied by a smiley face. What the…! Who is this? Emma How did you get my number? You were on the list, silly! What list? Instead of sending the text she erased it, then put her phone down and rubbed her temples. Some clown from her past had decided that it would be cute to hold a high school reunion in the calendar year that the majority of them turned the big Four-Oh. And an Excel printout of names had circulated between meal courses that she had dutifully scribbled her information on. Oh, Kerstin hadn’t wanted to attend at first, but her mom had practically pushed her out the door that night, claiming she was so looking forward to hearing about all her old classmates that Kerstin hadn’t found it in her heart to refuse. That had been last Saturday and it had been eye-opening in a strange sort of way. Her phone pinged again and she picked it back up. You still there? Yes Want to grab a coffee later? Kerstin paused, her fingers hovering over the touch screen. Ralf had a department meeting after classes today and if her mom was still here… Maybe. I’ll have to get back to you. You cool with that? The thumbs-up sign that came through was typical for the Emma from twenty-some years ago and Kerstin had to smile. She was a character, that one! Butch long before butch was cool, Emma had been the only lesbian Kerstin had known growing up. Had even, one drunken night, made out with Emma, when both of them were down in the dumps due to their current not-working-out love affairs. She grimaced at the memory. But Sabrina, the one and only girl Kerstin had ever been madly in love with, had dumped her a few nights prior and Emma had been so understanding that—she grimaced again—stuff had happened. After that Kerstin had stuck to guys. They were simpler, really, more straightforward. And while being bi had been fun when she’d first started college, once she’d gotten pregnant with Elias, there had been no time for anything apart from being a mother and eventually Ralf’s wife. Nowadays Kerstin just ascribed those forays to her wild and crazy college years. Didn’t everyone do stuff like that? Not Emma, a little voice nagged her. Emma, for one, had always been into girls. And, still single and childless at forty, Emma had an air about her that was different from the other women at the reunion who pretty much all talked about their kids, their jobs, and when they were through with that, their houses or apartments, their vacations, and their husbands. In pretty much that order, too, as if the person to whom they’d once sworn undying love had somehow slipped to a mere convenience position in their lives and sometimes not even that. It was certainly the case for Kerstin. Sure, she and Ralf ‘loved’ each other. But only when their busy and mostly separate schedules allowed it. Ralf was perfectly content sitting by a lake with his fishing rod where Kerstin preferred hiking or riding her bicycle. Other than that it was her book club versus his playing chess with another professor at the university. And since Elias had moved out, and even more so since Kerstin had taken her sabbatical from her teaching job in order to take care of her mother, they hardly spent any time together. Kerstin headed out when Ralf went to work in the morning and didn’t come home until late, and except for when Ralf came to her mom’s place to have dinner with them, she didn’t see him until about eight at night. She still slept at home, of course, and they had s*x every two to three weeks, which was fine with Kerstin. On the contrary, when she and Emma were out together on a Saturday, Emma had become fidgety around eleven-thirty or so, checking her phone repeatedly during conversations. When Kerstin had asked her what was the matter, Emma’s phone had lit up and with it Emma’s face, and she’d typed a quick reply, before answering. Apparently her partner and soon-to-be wife got off work at eleven and they had the little habit of letting the other know when they were on the way. And not only that, they sent each other love in the shape of little hearts and gifs and such regularly. While Kerstin had cringed at the corniness of it all, she’d nevertheless envied Emma, who’d hurriedly summoned the waiter and dashed out without even finishing her beer. Of course, Kerstin herself had been in no rush to leave. Ralf went to bed every night at ten, whether she was present or not. Her mom mumbled something and Kerstin gently squeezed her hand. “I’m here, Mama.” But her mom’s eyes stayed closed and her breathing shallow. Gritting her teeth, Kerstin shifted her attention away from the inevitable and back to Ralf wondering, not for the first time, when he had become so insufferable. His absolute sticking to whatever schedule he had worked out for himself had been a blessing when they were young parents. After running sort of wild in college herself, it had provided the stability she had needed at the time. It was just that over the years he had become so very boring. Ten years older than Kerstin, Ralf taught history at the local college. His idea of an outing was going to a museum, preferably one that displayed dishes and other household items, clothes and weapons and carriages from previous centuries. Whereas the only history Kerstin was even remotely interested in was either prehistoric or native Indian, and, for a short time, the Nazi regime, but that had been only because of the mandatory class trip to the Dachau concentration camp. She picked up her phone again. Maybe Elias had posted something. There was a girl he was keen on, but so far nothing had come out of it. But when she opened f*******:, the first thing that popped up was a friend request from Emma. With a chuckle, Kerstin accepted it and soon was scrolling through Emma’s page. Lots of pictures, and in most of them Emma appeared carefree and happy. Her mom stirred again, but without waking, and Kerstin permitted one single tear to fall. What if she hadn’t allowed Ralf to console her back then after her break-up with Sabrina? Well, to be honest, she and Sabrina hadn’t been exactly suited to one another either. Sabrina had been quite the party girl which even then Kerstin had found exhausting. Plus, she’d been a smoker, tobacco and weed both, which had been somewhat of a deterrent. And her outlook on life had been all play without any concern for anybody. No, no, no matter how much in love they might have been at the time, she and Sabrina would have broken up eventually, Kerstin was sure of it. She pressed her lips together. Ralf was responsible, a good provider, and decent enough husband and father. But what if after Sabrina she had still gone the other route? Just how different would her life be now, if she was sharing it with another woman?