Over The Water

"No! You listen to me, woman! You always accused me of having another women when you know I don't!" Dad's loud voice echoes around the house. I heard the door slam as they continue shouting. Napailing na lamang ako at pinagpatuloy ang pagbabasa ng libro. Nasasanay na ako sa ganitong eksena araw-araw sa bahay. Pag-uwi ni Daddy ay kaagad tatalakan ito ni Mommy kung bakit gabi na ito nakauwi. Sasagot naman ang isa na madaming problema sa kompanya na kailangan nyang ayusin. At magsisimula na silang mag-away. Narinig ko naman ang paghikbi mula sa dulo ng kwarto at nakita ang pamilyar na bulto ng tao na balot sa kulay rosas nyang kumot. Mahina itong umiiyak na talagang nakakarindi minsan. Nakasimangot ko syang tinitigan at napagdesisyonang bitawan muna ang librong binabasa ko. Marahan kong ibinaba ang libro at naglakad patungo sa kanya. Tahimik ko lamang inabot ang kumot at hinil. Nakaupo at nakapatong ang ulo nya sa mga hita nya habang patuloy pa rin sa paghikbi. Mahigpit nyang hawak si Eevie, ang paborito nyang teddy bear. Unti-unti syang nag-angat ng tingin at kita ko ang basa nyang mga pisngi. I tried to smile at her softly as I reach for her cheeks to dry her tears. I patted her head and pulled her into a tight hug. Inabot ko ang mga tenga nya para takpan nang muling magsigawan ang dalawang tao mula sa kabilang kwarto. I don't understand anything when I was at that age though. I was only seven and all I'm focusing on was reading my books and getting high grades. It was maybe an instinct to do that as I was the one older. I only wanted to stop my sister from crying so I can focus on reading my book. I don't mind the shouting but her cries distracts me every single time. I know, I'm weak to that. A week after that day, I just saw my dad dragging Elise by her right hand. Some of the travelling bags dad used whenever he's out of town were piled out outside the car. Bitbit ni Elise sa kanang kamay nya and isang teddy bear na kilalang-kilala ko dahil akin iyon. It's my favourite teddy bear. That's Sophie. Kakauwi ko lang galing sa school nuon at yun ang nadatnan kong nangyayari pag-uwi. Walang ginawa si Mom habang papalayo ang bulto nila Dad. Nakatitig lamang sya rito at walang emosyon na makikita sa kanyang mukha. Habang wala man lang lingon si Dad habang naglalakad patungo sa kotse. Isa-isang binuhat ni Dad ang kanilang mga gamit at inilalagay sa trunk ng kotse. Nagtama ang mga mata namin ni Elise at tanging mga luha nya lamang ang nakita kong muli. Kita ko ang lungkot at sakit sa mga mata nya ngunit tinitigan ko lamang sila hanggang sa nakasakay sila sa kotse at umalis. Siguro ganoon nga ang pagtatapos ng kwento ng pamilya namin. Ang kwento nila Mom and Dad, sad and tragic. Just how my life would go down the f*****g drain right now. The life that I knew f*****g so well that isn't even mine. A life controlled wasn't supposed to be anyone's life. Life should be live free, not controlled. I want to love life. Muli kong tinitigan ang tubig sa pool na nasa aking harapan. Ito na lang ata ang bumubuhay sa akin, ang swimming pool. Ngunit mukhang mawawala pa. I called my mom today as I have finished my training early than I expected. "Ma, tapos na po practice ko. Pauwi na po ako," nakangiti ko pang sambit habang nakasukbit ang duffel bag sa kanang balikat ko. It's one of these days where I go breaking a routine for a special day. "Ang aga pa, ha. Kaya ka nauungasan nyang si Ruiz dahil ang tamad mo magpractice." Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa telepono at napatigil ako sa paglalakad. Ang ngiting nakapinta kanina sa mukha ko ay unti-unting nawala. As usual, she forgets. Or, she doesn't even want to remember. Pero pagdating kay Elise, lahat alam nya. Lahat naaalala nya. "Practice, Eloise. Dyan ka na nga lang magaling, tatamarin ka pa? Ano na lang ang sasabihin ng Dad mo sakin? Na di kita-" Bago pa man humaba ang usapan ay pinatay ko na ang telepono. I know I'll get scolded for that when I get home but I don't care anymore. I'm more hurt at this moment. Napatingala ako sa langit at kita ko ang paglubog ng araw, kasabay nuon ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko. I'm tired but I had to pick up myself from here and focus. I am raised to be a fighter, or was forced to live like this. Heads up, Eloise. You got yourself. You still got yourself. Pagod na ako. Nakakapagod ikumpara sa kakambal ko. Dad picked Elise instead of me, when I know I'm his favorite. Kung magiging tapat ako sa sarili ko, I felt jealous when I saw that he's picking Elise over me. Elise who is sickly and weak. Elise Marie Madrigal, isa na sya ngayong sikat na pianist. She plays the violin and the piano so well that Mom always dotes on her when we were little. While I was dote on by my Dad as we both love books and literature. Our Sunday mornings will be filled with music from Mom and Elise while me and Dad reads in the library. And after that, we get to enjoy tea and cranberry juice at noon in the garden. And for dinner, how I love our dinner every Sunday. Mom will always prepare our favorite chicken curry and mashed potatoes. It's all those little things that I remembered about my childhood. Things I wish never have changed. Everything was perfect by then. But perfect things don't last long as they don't even exist. Masakit man sa loob ko ay naglakad akong muli pabalik ng gym upang magpractice. I don't feel like browsing some books in the library at this state. Might as well try drowning again. Gonna play drowning once again. I was a great swimmer. I'm using the term was because I wasn't that great now. I got into an accident that I had torn a ligament in one of my shoulder joint. Lagi akong champion sa mga patimpalak dati. Kahit mas bata sa akin ay walang laban dahil mas mabilis ako. Sabi nga ng ibang coaches ko dati ay may lahi ata akong isda. Napakatulin, parang ang tubig na ang naging lupa ko. If I would compare between dry land and under the water, the latter would be really great. Under water, they won't be able to see your tears. Heck, you can even shout and no one would even hear. It's really better than drowning on dry land. Where it felt more suffocating than how you get to suffocate under water. They were way too different but one is better. I can say I'm competitive. I know I'm one of the best but I know how to accept defeat. Kahit na anong galing ko, natatalo rin ako. Clark Ruiz is a smartass and he's very brave too. He lived up to his name as one of the best swimmers for this year. Tanggap ko naman iyon, pero si Mama, lalong tinulak ako para pag-igihan ko pa. Minsan, nakakalimutan nya atang may injury pa ako. It's not that I'm overworking myself but I'm working hard for her. I'm doing my best that I know is already enough. But every time she compare me with Ruiz, I just wanna snap. Ruiz knows how I hated being compared to him. He's just lucky. Parang lahat ng magagandang bagay bumagsak sa kanya at sinalo nya lahat. Anak mo rin ako, Lord. Pabagsak akong umupo sa bench malapit sa pool habang sinusuot ang goggles ko. Kita ko sa peripheral vision ko ang pamilyar na bulto ng isang tao. Taong ayokong makita sa araw na ito. "Why are you back so early? Akala ko uuwi ka na?" I heard him asked, his voice sounded like he is teasing me. Gaya ng dati ay hindi ko sya inimikan. I don't have the patience to talk to him. Ayokong magsayang ng laway para lang i-satisfy ang curiosity nya. Lalo't badtrip na naman ako sa naging usapan namin ni Mommy kanina baka hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko. I might snap. Ayokong ibunton sa kanya ang inis ko. He don't deserve such thing even if he's a pain in the a*s sometimes. Bitbit ang timer, naglakad ako malapit sa gilid ng pool. It took me a few minutes doing some stretching to prepare a jump into the water. Naglakad lang ako paatras ng kaunti para makaayos ako ng talon. Today is my day anyway, might as well make the most out of it. Hindi gaya ng dati na inaayos ko pa lahat ng postura ko patalon, tinakbo ko ang pool at tumalon pabagsak sa tubig. Ramdam ko ang malakas na pagbagsak ko sa tubig. I tried to hold my breath, but how long can I hold it in? Let's see how this will work. Ilang segundo pa lamang ang nakakalipas ay narinig ko na naman ang boses nya. "Eloise! What the hell are you doing? Not again." Clark Ruiz, here we go again. If I could only roll my eyes right now I would. This would be like the seventh time now. I know he's not stupid to figure things out. I don't know. Maybe he is really stupid after all. I guess I'll know once I step out of this water. Or if I ever make it out alive this time. Every time I tried doing this, Ruiz will always ruin it. Some days he'll pull me out of the water and sometimes he just annoys me too much that I had to chase him out of the gym. He likes wasting time on teasing me while I don't. I just want to be free. When will I ever feel fee? Can we refuse life? Naisip ko lang kasi, hindi patas. Some of us didn't even wish to be born. Or maybe, the way I'm living my life right now doesn't make me feel life. Kung ganito ako mabubuhay, hindi ko rin naman hahangarin ang mabuhay. A life where everything should be perfect. A life that my Mom already planned for me. Can I refuse it? Some may think this is all ridiculous. Trying to drown yourself because you're fed up being a puppet for eleven years. I've tried drowning myself tons of times but it seems like the life inside me won't just perish. "Eloise! Tatalon na ako pag hindi ka pa umahon dyan!" Another shout came from him. And I wonder why Clark Ruiz always ruin every single chance I get. Oh. This feeling where you wanna breathe but you had to hold it in. I badly know what'll happen if I breathe under water. As long as I don't inhale water, and I'm still conscious, I guess it'll be fine. I guess, I'm still considering preserving this life after all. But, trying to hold in air as long as you can is suffocating. This is the same feeling every single time my Mom wants me to be this little doll she honed me to be. Eloise do this. Eloise do that. Eloise everything's been planned. A plan where I was the one involved but I have no right about it. It's suffocating but I have to hold it in or else I'll be the s**t Dad gave to her. Really? Why do I even have to deal with Mom's s**t? Bakit parang kasalanan ko lahat ng nangyari eleven years ago? Ako ba ang laging nakikipag-away kay Dad? Ako ba yung palaging late umuwi at walang oras para sa pamilya? I wonder what life has Dad given Elise? Even if I wasn't loving life right now, I hope she is happy. I hope that Dad made her feel happy and complete. I don't want her to suffer what I had right now. I might feel it unfair but it wasn't her fault. This feeling, when I badly wanna breathe out but I still have to hold in. The feeling when I have to be patient every time my Mom wants me to learn this thing and that. Even when I don't like to do things, I had to force myself and do just that. The emotions I had to hide when I had to deal with things I don't want to but I had to. Memorize and be good with this and that. Be the one on top of everything. It's painful but I had to bear it in. My Mom would love me this way. I won't be that s**t Dad left for her. But, why do I still care? I never felt helpless this time. Like how everyone around me made me feel. When I was forced to take supplementary subjects when Lark became top 1. When I had to deal with the shits of my professors just to be this model student my mother wants me. When everyone thinks I'm this perfect daughter my mother had when I was just a doll. I was controlled and manipulated. And when Dad left me and Mom, I felt helpless. Dad loves me but I know my Mom don't. She hates it when I'm bringing up Dad and Elise. Where's Dad? I hope he attends my funeral though. I have to see him again. And for my dear friend, Dion. I hope you forgive me. "Eloise... Umahon ka na. Tatalon na talaga ako." Edi tumalon ka. Ugh. Lark won't even stop pestering me. Ilang minuto na ba ako dito? I didn't even break my record yet. This annoyance that I'll only feel for him. Even when I'm trying to kill this life, he would still find the right time to annoy me. I'll ignore him just as the other time. I won't let my annoyance ruin my plans. But still, some part of me still wants to live and breathe life. The water is stinging my eyes. I couldn't help but blink from time to time. I better close my eyes and pretend like I was sleeping and in a deep slumber. I think it'll be better to sleep forever with my eyes close, right? Geez. I wouldn't like seeing my body with my eyes open when I die. I still want my dignity. Okay. It's getting harder to float, aight. And just as I was ready to drift away, I felt the water move and a warm hands grabbed my body out of the water. Again. Clark Ruiz. Agad akong napamulat ng maramdaman ko na ang malamig na tiles ng pool at bumulaga ang inis na mukha ni Lark. Pigil pa din ang paghinga ko kaya nang bigla nya akong hawakan sa balikat at ilang beses niyugyog ay muli akong huminga. Habol ko ang hininga ko ngunit ramdam ko pa rin iyong panghihina ko at ang pakiramdam na parang sinakal ako. Ramdam ko ang mainit na pakiramdam sa baga ko na parang unti-unting nasusunog. "Are you setting a record for the longest human to hold her breathe under water?" Rinig ko ang malalim na paghinga nya habang inis na sinasambit iyon. Agad kong hinuli ang mga mata nya at nakipagtitigan ako. "No," I nearly didn't recognize my voice. It was weak and doesn't sound like the confident me. No bravery. "Okay. Whatever." Ramdam ko pa rin ang gigil sa bawat salita nya. Sinundan nya na lamang ang mga salitang iyon ng tawa at tumayo. "Mind your own business next time, Ruiz." Nanginginig man ay pinilit kong tumayo. "What the hell? Eloise, if I don't know you any better I would think you're just trying to kill yourself," natatawa nitong sambit. Napailing-iling pa ito sa akin at tumalikod na. Hindi ko na napigilan ang ngiti sa labi ko. Guess I should tell him to rock his brains out. Tinitigan ko ang likod nya at sinambit ang mga salitang gusto kong sabihin. Huli na ng matauhan ako. "I am." Agad itong napalingon sa akin at nakakunot ang noo. "What's with you? You can't kill yourself!" Inayos ko ang buhok ko at tinaasan sya ng kilay, "I can't? Why? It's not even yours." I saw his forehead creased once more at lalo akong pinaningkitan ng tingin. It was like his face screams, 'WHAT THE HELL'. "Because it's life! You can't just go killing yourself. It's a crime!" "It ain't yours. A crime but I won't go to jail, you know. Why do you care so much? Now, go. I'll do what I had to do." Akmang tatalon muli ako sa tubig ng bigla nya akong hawakan sa braso. Tinaasan ko ito ng kilay at pilit na binabaklas ang pagkakahawak nya sa akin. Ngunit parang linta ito at ayaw akong bitawan. "Let go." Nakipagtitigan lamang sya sa akin. "Let go," balik nito. "Eloise, do you really want this?," nanibago ako sa tono ng kanyang pananalita ngunit tumango ako. Agad nyang binitiwan ang braso ko at hinawakan ang kamay ko. Patango-tango ito at tsaka ako ginawaran ng ngiti. "Okay. Let's do it." Nagulat ako sa sinabi nya ngunit napigilan ko kaagad lumabas ang emosyon sa mukha ko. Agad kong winaksi ang kamay nya at pinakatitigan sya. Hindi pa rin nawawala ang ngiti sa mukha nya. Nahihibang na ba talaga itong si Ruiz? "Seriously, Ruiz. What's with you?" Ngumiti lamang sya at tumitig sa pool. "Let's find out." Hindi na ako nakasagot ng talunin nya ang pool habang hila ako. Gusto ko sanang sumigaw ngunit hindi ko na nagawa ng maramdaman ko ang malakas na hampas ng tubig sa mukha ko. Nang nasa ilalim na kami ng pool ay iniharap nya ako at muli syang ngumiti. A smile like he's teasing me, telling me that if I can do it he can too. How wrong he is. I'm adamant. His failed teasing won't shake me. Instead, I close my eyes and let myself go. I'm finally being free.