Bobby Ray Breaks the Universe

Chapter 1As I stood over the sleeping man, brick in hand, heart beating a rhythmic drum solo in my chest, a brilliant flash of white light punched me straight in the face. “What the f—” “Bobby Ray!” boomed the voice, seemingly from all directions. “Thou shalt not kill!” “Well, not yet, anyway,” I replied. “Wait just another minute.” I tried swatting the blinding light away, but, well, it was light, so swatting didn’t seem to do the trick. “That thing got a switch?” I didn’t know who I was talking to. I guessed this was all my subconscious, some sort of guilt trip I was laying on myself for killing my neighbor Tom. Or trying to. But with my eyes watering something awful, I was having a bit of a hard time of it. Maybe I shouldn’t have had the bourbon beforehand. Or finished the bottle. And smoked a joint to calm my nerves. But see, I liked Tom. Right on up until I found out that he was sleeping with my husband, I liked him. Or, okay, to be fair, my ex-husband, but still. “Bobby Ray!” again boomed the voice, the floor beneath me suddenly rolling like a wave. “Thou shalt not kill!” Funnily enough, the voice didn’t sound like mine. I’d have thought my subconscious would’ve sounded something like me, but nope, not even close. Also, Tom wasn’t moving. And the voice was f*****g loud, and the waving floor was still waving, and the bed was waving right along with it, but Tom was still lying there snoring. Ambien, I figured. Had to be. In any case, I set the brick down next to him and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. Soon as I did that, the lights went out in Georgia—Georgia being where we were at the time and not simply the lyrics to a catchy old song. “What the f—” I repeated as my eyes focused on the apparent source of the booming voice. “Shouldn’t have mixed the bourbon and the pot.” I wiped at my peepers again. And again. Only, the angel floating in front of me with his massive wings spread out and a sort of pale glow all around him wasn’t blinking away as I had hoped. “I bet that pot was laced with something. Shouldn’t have bought it off that stranger at the bar. That was my first mistake.” The angel grinned. As grins went, this one was quite, well, angelic. Duh, I suppose. “It doesn’t even break the top one hundred mistakes you’ve made, Bobby Ray.” I shrugged. “Yeah, it hasn’t been a good year for me.” Understatement. Of the gross variety. The angel folded his wings and stepped a foot closer to me as just his toes touched the ground. He was tall, almost seven feet, if I had to take a guess. Handsome as all get out, too. Smooth as alabaster and naked as the day he was born. Though I was guessing he hadn’t ever really been born, what with him being an angel and all. Either that or I was hallucinating. Or I was dreaming. I was betting on one of those last two. “It hasn’t been a good life, either, Bobby Ray.” And still, I shrugged. Or maybe I hadn’t stopped from the previous time. “I blame my parents for that.” The angel shook his head. “Honor thy father and thy mother, Bobby Ray.” I snickered. “Have you met the Beauregards? Flies keep their distance. Too shitty, even for them.” I glanced at the brick. I figured I could take this guy if need be. He didn’t look like the fighting type. Flying, sure, but not fighting. “The Lord said to honor thy father and thy mother, Bobby Ray, and so honor you must.” I sighed. Tom was still fast asleep. Probably dreaming of Matty, my ex. “Seems kind of a waste of time to honor the likes of them,” I told the angel. “They wouldn’t even appreciate it. Don’t much like that I’m gay, but honoring sounds sort of pansy-ass. Their words, not mine.” And those were nice words in comparison to their usual words. The angel moved a step closer, a step closer still, tippy toes dragging the floor. He was now standing directly in front of me—or maybe it was closer to hovering, really—leaning down, in. I stared into eyes blue as the heavens. Go figure. It was, in fact, a bit like looking into eternity itself. “Your parents sound delightful, but be that as it may—” I held up my hand. “I get it, I get it. Honor. Don’t kill. Blah, blah, blah.” I squinted up at him. “You visit everyone who’s about to break a commandment? Because I’d have thought we would’ve met a hell of a lot sooner than now.” The angel straightened his back and moved an inch in reserve. Up until that moment, he looked, I don’t know, sort of at peace. All angelic looking. Like he didn’t have a care in the world. But just for a second, I could’ve sworn I saw a flinch of pain. Maybe it was my choice of words. Or word. Hell, I mean. “I—” he said, but suddenly got cut off. No, there wasn’t a bright light again. I was glad for that. My eyes were still watering from the first one. This time, there was a puff of foul-smelling smoke, very fire and brimstone stinking. I mean, I guess. Not like I’d smelled brimstone before. Not that I even knew what brimstone was. In any case, I coughed, rubbed at my nose as the black cloud disappeared to reveal what I assumed was a demon. I mean, the guy was red all over and had horns protruding a good foot from his temples, so demon was probably a good guess, as guesses went. Plus, I already had an angel, so a demon seemed logical. As much as anything did right about then, I mean. “He has special reason to be here, human,” said the demon, his voice gravelly, deep, as he pointed to the he in question. It made my bones rattle, made my d**k go boing. You could feel the evil emanating off him. It was a tangible thing. But you could feel something else, too. Something, I don’t know, more human. I blinked at the demon. “Not just a standard house call?” The demon walked my way. He had hooves that made a clomping sound on the wooden floor. He was naked, his fire-engine-red hose of a d**k swinging as he approached. He was dense with muscle. Meaning, no, I didn’t look at the brick again, because, no, I couldn’t have taken the demon. He leaned down, in, his face an inch from mine, eyes black as night, blacker even. Again, it was like looking into eternity, and one I wanted no part of. “No, human. Not a house call.” “Bobby Ray,” I squeaked out. The demon smirked, closed the gap completely, his lips on mine, forked tongue snaking and coiling around my spooned one. As kisses went, it was a pleasant one, if not completely terrifying. When he at last broke said kiss, he backed an inch away and stroked my cheek with a long, taloned finger. “Not a house call, Bobby Ray.” I’d say it came out like a purr, but hiss was more like it. I stared at him, then at his d**k, which was now mesmerizingly hard. And long. And thick. Like really long and really thick. I reached out to stroke it, old habits dying hard. Which I hoped wasn’t my fate. The dying hard thing, I mean. Or dying period. The demon groaned, but at least didn’t smite me. Smite seeming to be the appropriate word here. Biblical, I supposed. “Please stop that,” said the angel, the voice pleading, the eyes trying not to stare. At the erection. Or erections, plural. But they kept coming back for more. The demon chuckled, turned around, his limb of a prick creating a slight breeze as it swung with the torso above and then sadly out of my grip. The beast then loudly clomped toward the angel, the two soon face to face, the clawed finger again up, out, tracing the contour of a smooth cheek. “You wish us to stop so that you can join the fun?” he rasped, claw raking down the cheek, the neck, before circling a rigid n****e. The scene was hot. The scene was frightening. “Stop it,” said the angel, though somewhat less emphatically this time. He eyed the demon. Something passed between them. I could see it, feel it in my gut. As if this hot, frightening scene had been played out before. The n****e got pinched, the angel’s eyelids fluttering. I didn’t know whether to be watching for a lightning bolt or a prick up someone’s ass. I’d say I was confused, but that was a forgone conclusion at that point. In any case, the earth didn’t swallow us up and the toilet water in the bathroom didn’t part, far as I could tell, so whatever the demon was up to, wasn’t causing you know who’s wrath. It also wasn’t making my d**k go down or the demon’s d**k go down. Heck, I think even the angel was starting to get a chubby. Hard to know for sure because the angel all of a sudden went poof in a glorious cloud of glittering white. “Thou shalt not kill!” I once again heard booming from all sides as the brick also went poof in a cloud of white. And then, in the blink of an eye later, I did the same. I was now in my bedroom, in my bed, on my back. I blinked up at the ceiling fan spinning above said bed. It was silent in my bedroom, save for the crickets and the tree frogs outside. I breathed in. I breathed out. I smiled out of relief. “Yep, pot must’ve been laced with something.” I chuckled and pushed myself up, swung my body around, legs over the side of the bed. I froze cold a second later. “Cheap pot,” said the demon standing there, “but not laced. Cheap bourbon, too. Better to spend the extra few bucks for the good stuff, Bobby Ray.” “I’ll call the bank for a loan next time I go to the liquor store,” I told him, then aimed my finger his way. “Your horns and hooves are gone.” He was also no longer red. Still naked, sure, and still sporting enough wood to make a forest jealous, but he otherwise looked more or less human. We’ll go with more. He shrugged. “Easier to mix and mingle up here when you look like the natives.” “Up here.” His shrugged upped the ante. He pointed at the floor, but I got the sense he was aiming much further down, further still. His point no longer had sharp claws, at least. “As opposed to…” I nodded. “Yep. Got it.” I gulped, smartly changing the subject. “You said the angel had reason to be in Tom’s bedroom.” The demon also nodded. The demon looked like Ryan Reynolds. If Ryan Reynolds had jet-black hair and piercing eyes, also in jet-black, and if Ryan Reynolds sported enough wood to hit a dozen home runs with—all at one time. “You were about to kill Tom.” “Sound sleeper,” I commented. “I probably should’ve went with smothering him. Far less messy.” “He was kept asleep by the angel. Best not to reveal ourselves to too many people,” he said. “Social media being what it is these days. And it’s also why you’re not in shock right now.” “Y’all like to keep it on the down-low.” FYI, I wasn’t in shock. FYI, I most certainly should have been. We’ll go with a hearty duh, again. He grinned. “Far down low.” He moved my way, sat next to me, arm to arm, leg to leg. “You were about to kill Tom.” He said it with a sort of reverence. Me, I didn’t like hearing him say it. I’d been acting on impulse at the time. I didn’t really want to have to think about it all that much. “He slept with my husband,” I made note, then corrected myself with “Ex-husband.” “Who you hate,” he said, “so why bother?” My nod turned shrug. “Love. Hate. Thin line.” I sighed again. “I was drunk, high.” “You were jealous.” I turned to face the demon. My heart stopped for just a moment. He was, to coin a phrase, devilishly handsome. My heart picked up speed with a vengeance as I stared into the abyss. “A dog pisses on a tree to mark its territory.” The demon grinned. “So you replaced piss with brick.” “I hate Matty, like you said, but what’s mine is mine,” I told him. “I hate my car, too, but you don’t see me dropping it off at the junk yard.” “Because you hate walking even more.” “It’s f*****g Georgia. Too hot to walk. Too humid.” I blinked. “Seems like you know a lot about me.” He kissed me. It was a surprisingly soft kiss. Gentle. His tongue was no longer forked. “I know everything about you, Bobby Ray.” I kissed him back. It’d been a long day. A shitty day. A shitty year and a shitty life. The kiss was anything but shitty. Did I mention Ryan Reynolds? “Then I have no need to apologize for anything because you know I won’t mean it.” I kissed him again. He was very addictive. As if I didn’t have enough problems to worry about. “Why did the angel stop me from killing Tom?” Deadpool’s evil twin brother smiled and placed his hand on my thigh, his deft finger tickling my balls. “If you killed Tom, you would’ve broken all ten of his master’s commandments.” “God’s, you mean.” The demon cringed. “Yeah, right. And the angel didn’t want that.” “So why did you show up then?” I asked. He smiled. It was a big and bright and beautiful and pure, unadulterated evil smile. In other words, sexy as all f**k. “Because I did. Want you to kill Tom, I mean.” Well, that made sense. As much as anything did. “Still,” I said, my hand on his thigh, my also deft finger fiddling with his hefty nuts, “lots of people break all Ten Commandments these days, I’d think. Most of those commandments, I suppose, get broken by the majority of people on a daily basis, even. Only killing and adultery are the tough ones, in the larger scheme of things.” “You also slept with Tom while you were married to your husband.” I shrugged. “I said tough; I didn’t say impossible.” I stared down at his thick prick. Did the demon go around seducing humans all the time? Was that his power over us? If so, what did the angel have at his disposal? Seemed to me that the demon had a leg up. Or a d**k up. I also wondered where said d**k would end up. “Again, what was so special this time? Or does the angel show up every time someone is about to break all ten? I mean, there’s lots of murdering adulterers out there, so he can’t be very good at his job.” “Maybe it’s enough that he tries,” said the demon. “I mean, you didn’t kill Tom, after all.” But I wanted to. I still kind of did. Plus, the angel blinked both me and the brick away. Would he do that every time I tried? Would I try again? I’d apparently broken nine of the commandments; ten seemed quite the accomplishment. Or was I thinking these thoughts because I was now making out with a demon as I jacked him off? Could evil spread like a virus? “Just out of curiosity,” I said, “if I did kill Tom, would I end up, you know, on your home turf?” “Hell?” I touched fingertip to nose. Mine and his. Then I kissed said nose. His. “Yeah, right, that.” I kissed his lips, his neck, his chin, and then nibbled on a n****e as he moaned and writhed beneath me. “Or, if I didn’t kill Tom, if I didn’t kill anyone, is there still hope for my soul, or am I damned if I do, damned if I don’t?” Odd how that phrase suddenly took on a whole new meaning. I chewed on the other n****e as he ran his fingers through my hair. “Seems to me, it’s that thou shalt not murder thing that separates the bad from the truly bad. You take that out the equation, and I’m sort of on par with the rest of humanity.” I stood up. My d**k had beaten me to the punch. Meaning, it was already up, to better match his. Though his seemed to have no match. It was, mostly no pun intended, one hell of a d**k. He stared at my prick with a lascivious grin, then locked eyes with me, which sent a swarm of butterflies loose inside my belly. “You were never worried about your eternal soul before, Bobby Ray.” I shrugged, scooted into bed. He followed suit. The demon. In bed with me with a crowbar of a boner. I still wasn’t in shock. I still should have been. Duh, duh, duh. I supposed that neat little trick of the angel’s saved a lot of emergency room visits. “I never met an angel or a demon before. I never believed in an eternal soul before.” I sighed as my heartrate again picked up speed. “Am I, you know, going to hell either way?” It came out in a croaked whisper. He scooted in closer, our pricks dueling it out below. “Not a clue, Bobby Ray. I’m just an employee,” he said. “I don’t make the rules; I just enforce them.” I gulped. “Hot pokers and whatnot.” He reached out and twisted one of my n*****s. “And whatnot.” He tweaked the other n****e. I squirmed and moaned, my d**k profusely leaking now. “If it were up to me, though, I’d say to kill Tom. He had it coming. He was your friend and he slept with your ex-husband.” He grinned that beautifully wicked grin of his. “But it’s not up to me, is it?” I pushed his hand away. He clearly had an agenda here. Me, I had a soul that didn’t like pokers and certainly didn’t want to contend with the whatnot. “Can I atone for those nine broken commandments? Is there still time to undo everything?” He shrugged. Or half shrugged, seeing as he was still on his side. “I suppose so, but people never atone. Good intentions don’t get you anywhere. People get lazy. People forget to be good. It’s easier being bad.” He stroked his d**k. He hungrily eyed mine. “And much more fun.” He pushed himself up, flipped over, until he was on all fours, balls dangling, crinkled hole winking my way. “f**k me, Bobby Ray. f**k me and I can cut you a deal.” He was so beautiful, so perfect, and so perfectly awful. Meaning, irresistible. I reached out, ran my finger around the hole, around and around before taking a dip inside. He shook his ass, bucked it into my hand. Be cool, smoke the cigarettes. Be cool, take the drugs. Be cool, kill Tom. I’d clearly been down this path before. “What kind of deal?” He chuckled, balls bouncing. I yanked them, yanked them harder and harder still. The demon moaned appreciatively. No pain, no gain. But what exactly was he looking to gain here? Or who? “You’ll get drunk again, Bobby Ray,” he said. “High again. You are who you are. Like you said to the angel, your parents f****d you up. You’re f****d up. Not saying it’s a bad thing. Most people are f****d up. So what if I tell you, you can stay f****d up and, when you die, I come get your soul, but no hot pokers, no torture, first class accommodations all the way.” I stopped yanking. “You can do that?” He turned his face to the side, his eye again catching mine. So much black. Gave me a chill. In fact, I suddenly shivered. “You kill Tom, it’ll be like staying at the Four Seasons for all eternity.” “They have seasons in hell?” He again shook his ass my way. Dealers sold drugs to kids on the playground. He was fresh out of drugs. “Just an analogy, Bobby Ray.” He spread his legs wider. His d**k hung thick on the horizon. “f**k me, Bobby Ray. f**k me good and hard.” His chuckle made another appearance. “Or bad and hard. Very, very bad.” As an FYI, I bought pot on the playground. I bought mushrooms on the playground. I drank vodka from the bottle behind the swings. I’d get drunk again. I’d get high again. I was f****d up. I was f****d up worse than most people. Which is to say, I was quickly on my knees with my d**k buried so far up his stellar ass that it was a wonder it didn’t pry his lips open from the inside out. “We got a deal, Bobby Ray?” he panted as I rammed and crammed and jammed my prick inside him, as my balls tightened, as sweat flung from my forehead and the bed creaked out a symphony beneath us. And then I heard it inside my head, booming, booming, booming. Thou shalt not kill. I tried to shake the thought away, but it stayed put, seemed to take root. Was it my subconscious? Was it the angel? Was it an even higher power? I thought of the last option as I came inside the demon’s ass, as I filled him with my white-hot load. I was glad there wasn’t room on the tablets for thou shalt not come. That would’ve been another toughie. “I’ll think about it,” I said as I retracted my c**k in an audible pop. He sighed. “You do that, Bobby Ray. You do that.”