Flashbacks: Head Versus Heart

Chapter Twelve: Uncertain

I watched the sun reflect off him, capturing how beautiful his parent’s yard truly was, and how gorgeous he was… yet suddenly. I felt some type of uncertainty.

Was I doing all of this because it was all I knew? Was I afraid to love someone else? Or was my heart truly with this boy, this extremely good looking, charismatic, fun loving boy. I hesitated for a reason, right? But Colt wasn’t my boyfriend, and I wasn’t his girlfriend, for me to place that gamble on him… without him giving me any solidification that we would be together.

I didn’t want to hurt him, and I didn’t want him to hurt me… I texted Reece back, and said “I’m still on vacation, but I will call you when I get home. Can’t wait to see you again!” There it was. I made sure I had something to fall back on if this didn’t work out. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to do this. I don’t know why the insecurities came flooding over me as soon as I saw the text from Reece. Perhaps I felt something for both guys, perhaps I was out of my mind.

Colt came in laughing, while shooting a coy smile my way.

I instantly felt a pang of guilt as I watched him glide across the room, laughing and texting on his phone. He looked so happy and carefree as he snatched a slice of bacon up in his hand and walked over to the island in the kitchen.

“That was Brad, he was calling because apparently, he and Monica ended up hooking up together last night, and now she won’t go away. Pretty pathetic, he can’t bail either, because they’re at his house.” He laughed again as he jumped up and sat on the counter, while swiping another piece of crispy bacon. “I would lose my s**t. ”

I just looked at him, questionably, I presume because he c****d his bottom jaw and rubbed his chin before responding any further. “I mean, it’s not like Monica is some totally awesome chick to date, Per. They’ve had their issues.”

“But we have too, I can relate. If she cares that much about Brad, she isn’t going to want to leave him after that. Not every girl has the hump and dump mentality you guys wish they would.”

“Whoaaaa. Let’s not turn this into a battle of the sexes. I’m just sayin’… the situations aren’t the same, so don’t give me that look like I’M the one waiting for her to leave.”

“Right. I do need to get ready to meet Vera for lunch. She texted me this morning.”

“Oh, okay… do you need a ride?”

“No, thanks. I can drive myself today.”

“Seriously? What’s your problem, now? I walk outside for 5 minutes, and I come back in and you’re acting like I’ve done something to you?”

“I don’t have a problem, ‘now’, earlier, or ever… should I, do you expect me to?”

“You’ve acted like I owe you some explanation about everything this weekend… it’s draining me. I just want to have a good time with you. I really missed you Peri, but you literally would not let me speak about someone else’s situation without immediately connecting it to ours, when it’s only vaguely similar.”

“Okay… sorry. ”

“No, I’M sorry. Maybe we rushed back into all of this… go have a great lunch with my sister, and I’ll be here when you get back. We can talk and figure things out then.”

“Sure thing.” My eyes instantly welled up. I knew this was coming. How could I have been so oblivious, he wasn’t the same boy I left two years ago… he’s changed just as much as I have.

“Don’t be like that, come here.” He hopped off the counter and wrapped his arms around me as he pressed his greasy lips on my forehead. “Ahhh, sorry”, he chuckled as he wiped the greasy kiss off my forehead.

I walked upstairs and got ready to meet up with Vera. I thought about the conversation that just took place. I knew Colt was venting and sharing his conversation, but part of me felt such an immense guilt – that I subconsciously started that tiff. I wanted to argue with him and push him away to make this decision easier.

Even if we worked out, even if he wanted to be with me, how would it happen being so far away from one another? I’m not the same girl I was when I left, and he’s obviously changed. Maybe I was over thinking things again – I’m good for that. I’m sure I’m only like this because the text from Reece sparked a flame in me, that I was eager to let engulf me.

My God, what am I getting at? I cannot believe I am thinking like this about someone else, after sleeping with Colt less than 12 hours ago. I dreaded even talking to Vera about this. Who knew how she would react. Maybe I could ask Mary, but she doesn’t even know the half of what’s going on with Colt and I right now. I have to figure this out on my own, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I love Colt, I honestly love him, with my entire existence, there is not a day that has went by that I haven’t thought about him. I mean, even when I’m alone and lonely, my mind wanders to him.

I needed to get ready and meet up with Vera. After all, she was the real reason I was here, right? Rather, that’s what I keep telling myself. I stepped out of the shower, did my make up, and hair; and headed downstairs… I didn’t see or hear Colt anywhere, I assumed he was in the basement or the living room. I went out to my car and noticed his truck as still there, as I

started my car I saw him running down the front porch, waving his hands, so I stepped out to assess the commotion.

“Hey, you forgot this.” He held out my wallet with a crooked grin.

“Oh, good looking out.” I winked.

He looked at the ground for a moment, before he pushed me up against the car, and pulled my head into a passionate kiss. It was so unexpected that I lost my breath and felt my toes curl up beneath my feet. I gasped, as I looked up at him, his brows furrowed and his eyes conflicted.

“I’ll see you when I get back, yeah?” I mustered as I reached for my car door.

“Yeah. . . I’ll be here, I have a few things around the house to get done before Dad gets home. Do you… umm, wanna go out… like on a real date, when you get back?”

I’m not sure why he was so hot and cold, since an hour ago, he was saying how we had moved too fast back into things. I wanted honesty, I wanted to know where we stood, but I couldn’t deprive myself of him, “I’d like that.” I kissed him softly on the cheek as I got in my car and left for the café.