Creating Roots

Hailie cursed herself as she had not been home in years. Most of the time, Hailie believes her heart was born with a missing piece. Or perhaps, she was born from a tree unable to bear roots. A great oak, hollowed from the inside out. Tall and menacing to the world. Courageous. Dependable. All withholding the truth that all it would take is a well placed blow to showcase the dry rot within.  Characteristically, Hailie believed she would find her roots on the road. Acting like a scattered seed, it will land within a fallen trunk and reclaim its roots. No such luck had rang true for her. After lazily stretching out her college years, she finally settled for a paparazzi gig in Los Angeles. The press kept her entertained for a while. Living vicariously through fame has its own charm. Similar to watching stories unfold in real time. The possibilities seem endless, even if the characters seem to never change and the plot hardly ever thickens. The possibilities are half the fun. Or at least, they were. Once the pandemic hit, Hailie was laid off. Her housing contract was practically up and nothing seemed wiser than to pack her bags and head back East.  Naturally, Hailie is wrapped around a tree. Sending her arms around the tree trunk like a pillow, Hailee lays her cheek against the bark and closes her eyes. Hailie’s mahogany hair whips around in the wind as the cold paints her cheeks rosé. The weather has been poor. The sky has been cloudy and has been peppered by rain and snow. And despite shivering in her jacket, she could not have been happier. The smell of wet moss and decaying leaves calms her nerves. Occasionally, if she breathes deeply enough, she believes that the forest will lend her a pair of roots. It is the most grounded Hailie has ever felt. Her lips twitched into a sly smile. Perhaps it was naive to believe she could find her ground somewhere else. How naive to believe that good can always be better. Occasionally, what is at your fingertips is as good as it is going to get.  Yet here she is running back home to feel found. Hailie would feel embarrassed if she did not have the draw of the woods in her veins. Hailie had spent countless hours in the woods as a child. The woods were where she felt at peace. Now, the pull was practically unbearable. Her blood seemed to hum anytime she glanced at the forest outside her window. The desire to be under the canopy was painful. Even with the wind, Hailie had taken up walking in the woods in the evenings. The moonshine settles her nerves. The light feels like a calling home.  Trudging forward, Hailie settles onto a boulder. Sitting criss-cross, Hailie lay back and splayed her arms out wide. The moonlight pools around her as the tension leaves her body.  Finally opening her eyes, Hailie registered the sting on her cheeks and the frost on her nose. Sighing, Hailie jumps off the boulder and ventures home. The earth crackles under Hailie’s feet as she lazily maneuvers home. Hailie smiles contentedly as she feels the crunch of leaves under her toes. Despite almost being numb, the feeling of the earth underneath her brings her priceless joy.  Kicking the front door open, she sighed. As she switches the kitchen light on, she stumbles toward the coffee pot. She cannot wait to have a hot beverage in her hands and warm her bones. Her childhood home was far from luxurious. Though her home has an earthly appeal that almost overcomes the lack of amenities. In the center of the kitchen lies a giant butcher block island. To the right of the island are retro high chairs. They are eclectic with spacious bowl-like seating with a rich green velvet cover. The true heart of the home.  Sighing, Hailie tucks herself into one of the chairs as she inhales the aroma of coffee filling the kitchen. Glancing around, Hailie smiled as she took in all the plants scattered about the room. She missed her mother’s forest. Running her fingers along some aloe vera plants, she whips around as she hears her mother walking into the kitchen.  Her mother’s auburn ringlets are tousled and frame her high cheekbones perfectly. Hailie smiles as her mother throws herself into the chair next to her. “Oh, thank God you have already put coffee on.”  Hailie smiles and shakes her head as she folds her legs underneath herself. “Yes, mother. I put enough on for both of us.” Haillie gently tilts her head as she sees her mother’s eyes widen as she watches Hailie fold in on herself.  “My goodness! Your toes are practically crimson!” Hailie purposefully ignores her mother as she excuses herself to get their coffee.  “I went for a walk this morning. I love the quiet.” Hailie’s mother, Janice, sucks on her teeth as she watches her daughter tiptoe across the floor.  ‘Honey, you aren’t in LA anymore. It’s too cold to go out without socks and shoes.” The chair screeches as Janice gets up to join her daughter at the counter. Janice rubs her daughter’s back as Hailie pours two mugs of coffee.  “No need to worry, Mother. All of my toes are attached, see?” Hailie wiggles her toes for emphasis as she sips her coffee. Janice rolls her eyes and gently shoves her daughter’s shoulders. Hailie cracks a smile and heads back to the island.  “You’re too old to have me worrying about your toes, ya know? I taught you how to put on socks and shoes over a decade ago.” Hailie chuckles as she sees her mother put all her weight on the counter and gaze out the window. “Mother, I’m fine. Really.” Janice shakes her head and sets her coffee on the counter. Trudging over, Janice drapes her arms over the back of her daughter. Kissing the top of Hailie’s head, she straightened up as she measured her next words.  “You’ve changed.” Hailie turned to her mother curiously.  “You’re supposed to.” Hailie wished her voice had been stronger as the words left her mouth. Despite the soft whisper, they came out like. Hailie’s shoulders felt tense as she felt her mother’s heavy gaze on her. Gently sipping her coffee, Hailie waited for her mother to respond.  “Have you found any jobs that peak your interest?” Hailie rolls her eyes and swiftly puts her coffee down. “No Mother, no paparazzi gigs out here, ya know?” Haillie cringes at her own tone. It is harsher than she intended, but the thought of changing career paths puts her on the edge. Her mother laughs gently and shakes her shoulder. “I know that, honey. I was talking about finding something you actually like.” Hailie furrows her eyebrows and twists violently to look at her mother.  “I do like being a paparazzi.” Instantly Hailie wished that she had her coffee in her hands. Her tone was winey and she instantly resented how she sounded. She wishes she had something to distract herself with. Hailie sucks in her stomach as she sees her mother’s curls swing back and forth.  “Then why are you here?” Hailie lays her head on top of her hands on the counter and closes her eyes. Truthfully, she felt she had nowhere else to go.  “I missed you, Mama.” Starting from scratch seemed to be the best option. Following that statement, Hailie lifts her head and sighs deeply. Jane slumps her shoulders and reaches over to tousle Hailie’s hair.  “Oh, honey. I don’t want to put a damper on the morning so early. I just wanted to suggest something to you.” Sighing, Hailey rolls her shoulders and makes eye contact with her mother.  “What do you have in mind?” Janice takes the chair next to her daughter and spins her daughter so she has to look at her. Laying a hand on Hailie’s leg, Janice squeezes gently.  “Aunt Luna is hosting a program for kids over winter break. Why don’t you go help her? I know you miss the warmth and I bet it would be a great change of pace.”  “What the f**k would I do in Arizona?” Hailie rolls her eyes as her mother throws her head back and laughs vivaciously.  “How the hell would I know? Make some goddamn macaroni art and teach kids how to swim. Either way, that isn’t the point.” “Then what is the point?” Janice shook her head and dropped her hand from Hailie’s knee.  “Honey, you haven’t wanted to be home since you were twelve. Besides, at least if you’re in Arizona, your toes won’t be icicles.” Hailie finally lets a small smile slip and throws her hands into the air.  “Fine, fine you got me. I’ll call Aunt Luna tonight.” Smiling, Janice clutches onto her emerald satin robe and excuses herself from the discussion.  “I have to get ready for work. We’ll talk tonight.” Slumped in the chair, Hailie toys with her empty cup as she thinks about her Aunt Luna. She had not seen her Aunt Luna in years. Once Hailie’s father passed, her mother uprooted them to the east coast. They used to visit every year but as Hailie aged she stopped going with her mother. Even living in Las Vegas, Hailie could not bring herself to visit her Aunt Luna. Laughing bitterly, Hailie got up and placed her coffee cup in the sink. A part of her knew she had not had the strength to face her Aunt Luna. Aunt Luna reflected aspects of one’s self that are not the easiest to digest or accept. Swallowing, Hailie knew she needed to call her Aunt Luna immediately.