Kissa

I Had No Answer

KISSA

*Chapter 20: "I Had No Answer"*

I went straight to my room and fell on the bed.

What had Ali said?

Those three words were still echoing in my ears.

I never thought this would happen.

I always thought of Ali as my peace. My friend. My support.

He was the person who never asked for anything.

From childhood until today he had only given.

But today he asked for everything.

Today he drew a line between us with his confession.

A line that would decide the next twenty years.

My head started spinning. The room started spinning.

Anger came too. At him. At myself.

Why did he change the rules after twelve years?

For twelve years we were friends. Companions.

Suddenly today he became my lover?

My heart refused to believe. My mind was screaming.

I closed my eyes and his face appeared.

The rooftop at night. Hair flying in the wind. Deep eyes.

"I love you endlessly, Kissa."

Three words. But my whole world turned upside down in them.

Ali asked for my life today.

And I didn't have the price for it.

What could I give him? Friendship? Trust?

Or my heart that was already broken?

My heart wanted to leave for the city right now.

Pack one bag and run before his question.

The farther I went, the more peace I might find.

But my feet would not move.

But night had already fallen. The doors were closed.

I kept fighting that impossible question until sleep came.

When sleep came it felt like surrender.

I had lost to my own questions.

Even in dreams Ali came.

He was asking, "Kissa, give me an answer."

I stood silent. My lips were sealed.

In the morning someone knocked on the door for breakfast.

I came downstairs with heavy steps.

Everyone was sitting at the table except Haris.

Haris had not been home since yesterday.

And Ali was sitting right in front of me.

I pulled the chair and sat down slowly.

There was bread on the plate. But no hunger.

A cup of coffee was placed in front of me.

Steam was rising. Like steam from my heart.

But I could not lift my eyes.

Looking at him meant facing his question.

And I had nothing to give.

The coffee was bitter. The silence was more bitter.

Everyone was moving food around on their plates.

No one was talking. Even the air was silent.

I picked up the spoon and drank the coffee.

The bitterness went down from my tongue to my heart.

Ali did not lift his eyes even once.

He was just looking at his plate.

But I could feel it.

Every breath he took was saying my name.

Were his hands shaking or was it my illusion?

His fingers were pressing the edge of the cup.

As if he had not slept all night either.

As if he was also waiting for my answer.

I took another sip. It got stuck in my throat.

I started coughing. Noor passed me water.

Ali's hand also moved forward but stopped halfway.

Then slowly it went back.

In that moment I understood.

He was still the same Ali who took care of me in childhood.

But now he was something more too.

A man who was asking for an answer.

After breakfast Noor took me outside.

"Kissa, time is running out," she said. Her voice was wet.

"Yes Noor, time is short. But now it's flowing like sand," I said.

She tried to smile but her eyes were damp.

"Kissa, I am used to you now," Noor said.

"If I don't see you morning, afternoon, night, I get sick."

I forced a smile and said, "If you feel sick, call me. I am your medicine."

But my eyes moved behind her.

Ali leaned against the old wall, watching us.

His gaze was quiet but it burned.

Sunlight was on his face. There was sweat.

But he was not moving at all.

I looked away immediately.

I had no answer for the storm in his eyes.

I wanted to protect what we had. Friendship. Trust. Twelve years.

If I said yes, friendship would break.

And if I said no, Ali would break.

Noor called out, "Ali, come here for a second."

Ali must have been waiting for that moment. He walked toward us right away.

His steps were fast. As if hope was running.

I turned away. I did not want to face him again.

But Ali reached us in moments.

I took a step to leave and his hand came to my wrist.

His grip was strong. Warm. Final.

Even if I wanted to, I could not pull my hand away.

Today his touch felt like a stranger's. Not like Ali.

Like a stranger who knew my secrets.

"Ali, let go of my hand," I said in a low voice. My voice shook.

"If I let go of your hand I will lose you forever," he said softly.

"So I won't let go. As long as I can hold on."

I tried to pull my hand away but I became helpless.

The weakness was not from his strength. It was from my heart.

Ali kept looking into my eyes for a long time. Searching. Waiting.

There was hope in his eyes. Fear. Love.

Then slowly he let go of my hand.

As if saying, the decision is yours.

When his touch ended, it hurt more.

The empty wrist felt heavier.

I walked fast toward the house. Faster.

Noor called my name but I did not stop.

Stopping meant giving an answer. And I could not.

I closed the room door and locked it.

I shut out the world. I shut out Ali.

I sat on the floor with my back against the door, breathing hard.

Three words had broken twelve years of friendship.

Or maybe laid a new foundation.

I could not understand.

I only knew that everything had changed.

Then a voice came. "Kissa, come. The car is ready."

"It's time to leave now."

I picked up my bag with shaking hands.

I hugged everyone goodbye. My mind was numb.

Uncle. Aunty. Noor. Their faces looked blurry.

Haris had already left in his own car.

Ali was standing by the window on my side.

He did not speak. He did not move. He was just looking.

The car engine started. A low rumble.

When the car moved my heart also moved.

I lifted my eyes one last time.

Noor was waving and crying. Uncle and Aunty forced a smile.

Trees were left behind. The house was left behind.

The streets of childhood were left behind.

Then my eyes crashed into Ali's.

He was still standing there. Visible along with the car.

That same question was alive in his eyes.

Loud. Helpless. Asking for an answer.

My eyes met his and I saw everything. Hope. Fear. Twelve years.

But my eyes were empty. Because I had no answer.

The car sped up. Ali moved farther away.

He was not waving his hand. He was just standing.

As if saying, I am here. I will wait for you.

And I took his question with me. Heavier than my luggage.

Three words that changed everything. Zero words for a reply.

Tears were falling on the car window.

I did not wipe them.

Because crying was also an answer I could not give.

To be continued....