Hate you, I love you

I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Struggling to find the roll of toilet paper to wipe my mouth. I flush, promptly standing up to smooth out my black dress. I just laid to rest my best friend, my protector, my brother. As much as I wanted to lay on the bathroom floor and never leave I knew I couldn’t leave my father alone, to deal with all the condolences from people who would never feel the pain we are going through. I couldn’t leave him alone to accept any more casseroles that are pilling up on our cabinet. Or to accept any more “thoughts and prayers” from people that are going to go home and forget about us in their prayers this evening. I studied my appearance. My once extremely curly hair was pulled back into a low slick back bun. My eyes were droopy from crying but still the once familiar blue of my mothers. My once golden skin, pale despite it being summer. I wore a long sleeve, maxi length black dress. Eager to hide the wounds that caressed the delicate skin on my wrist where I would hold a match much to close burning the delicate skin. I rushed to rinse my mouth out and return to the repast taking place downstairs. I ran down the stairs, bumping into the body standing at the end. “Mateo.” I grunted. He looked at me, his face was full of empathy and sadness. “What are you doing here Mateo?” I whisper yelled at him. “Allira, I’m so sorry for your loss.” He exclaimed, bowing his head to stare at his hands awkwardly folded at his waist. “What are you doing here Mateo?” I asked him once again. “Elijah was my best friend Allira.” He glanced at me with sorrow in his eyes. “He WAS. Until he wasn’t. And then when he was dying in his hospital room and asked to see you despite your falling out you didn’t even show up.” I dryly replied. “You don’t deserve to be here.” I briskly stormed past him to find my dad. I found my dad alone in the kitchen, eying all the casseroles. His shoulders shrug. He was wearing one of the suits he wore every Sunday to church. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him. “I never thought we would lose him. Even when the doctor said his Osteosarcoma had spread and took over his lungs.” I held back tears as my fathers voice shook. I looked up to my dads towering frame hovering over me in a nurturing warm embrace. His once rusty brown eyes closed forcefully to restrain his tears. His coiled black hair sprinkled with white like pepper. Since the death of my brother I could’ve sworn my dad aged at least 5 years over night. He was still very healthy with an athletic build,he had to be, he was a cop. I squeezed my dad tighter and prayed over an over for his good health. I lost my mom, I lost my brother. I couldn’t lose my dad too. And this single thought kept me in my hometown, dreading the day I’d have to leave my father to chase my own life. ************************************************** Present Day I packed the back of my truck with my dorm room essentials as my dad carried the heavier things for me. He smiled at me. I knew he was proud of my decision to finally accept an offer letter and go to school. “Better late than never Allira, look I’ll be okay, I have Ruth.” He said as he kicked a neon green tennis ball towards the house. Ruth was our German Shepard, she was injured in police k-9 training where my dad offered to take her home. She has been an enormous help with his healing process. That and our lovely neighbor Kathy, she was widowed and my dad has been secretly seeing her a year now. I chuckled at the memories of my dad sneaking around me like a teenager to see her late at night. This aided me in my decision to finally go back to school and continue to chase my dream. A dream I had since 13 years old when my late brother was diagnosed with cancer. I was going to be a surgical oncologist. Kathy came outside with a Tupperware full of homemade cookies. She curtsied over to me and wrapped me in her lengthy arms. “Oh Allira.” She pulled away to smile and look me in my eyes. “You’re going to do amazing things.” She handed me the Tupperware and I could smell the variety of warm cookies it held. Kathy would’ve made a great mom, but her husband passed before she ever got the chance. “Thank you Kathy” I ran to hug and give my dad a kiss on his cheek. I swallowed back tears. “I love you dad.” He hugged me tighter before exchanging I love you toos. From inside my truck, I buckled my seatbelt and rolled the window down. My dad leaned in and handed me a little black card. “It’s linked to my credit card so don’t go too crazy.” “But don’t be afraid to use it, it’s yours. If you need anything, make sure you don’t go without.” I nodded. “Thank you dad, thank you! I love you. I promise I’ll call you when I make it in.” I put my car in reverse and waved my goodbyes at my dad and Kathy standing in the driveway of my childhood home. I blasted Elijah’s favorite song on the ride there, “end of heartache” by killswitch engage. He always admired that their former front member was a fellow person of color. I tapped my thumbs along the steering wheel in unison to the drums. After a two hour drive I made it my university. I pulled out the packet I got that displayed a mini map showing me exactly where my dorm rooms would be and parking spot designated for me. Once parked I took a couple deep breathes before starting up at the picture I had taped to my sun visor. The last picture I took with my brother. It was at my favorite restaurants for our moms 40th heavenly birthday. My appearance since then has changed dramatically, my once short obtuse frame leaned out and toned with curves many fly to Miami for. My once stray dog brown thin brown hair now dyed dark brown and thick. I smiled at the sight of my brother. He was tall, lean, smiling from ear to ear with his arm draped around me. His hazel eyes smizing, and despite what we were celebrating, despite his departure from his beloved football team as captain and quarterback he looked so happy. He was so grateful for the life he lived, so kind and such a light in my world. “I love you Elijah.” I whispered before stepping out my truck to grab a box and scope out my new dorm room. I walked through automatic doors and was greeted by booming voices in conversation with their room mates or families as they moved in. I glanced around and found a sign pointing left to get to rooms 25-40. I headed that direction to get to 33. Knocking into someone in the process. I dropped all my belongings in the box and knelt to pick them up. “I’m so so sorry.” I apologized. “I don’t know why I’m even in a hurry, I guess the box was getting kind of heavy.” I explained. “It’s okay”, the deep voice echoed. “Maybe I can help you with your things. I’m actually the TA and this is my 3rd year here.” He reached out his hand to help me up. I took his hand and stood grabbing my box before making eye contact. I looked into his eyes and froze. **My mind briefly flashed back to a summer evening. I was in the 8th grade getting ready to swim. My dad just bought me my two piece swimsuit and I looked forward to wearing it all week. “Come on Elijah. You promised you’d take me with you to the Leone’s to swim.” I yelled from the bottom of the stairs. “One second Allira, I’ll be right there you can start hearing over.” I whisked my towel around my waist and trotted to the neighboring street the Leone’s lived on. I knocked on their door and Mateo answered. “What’re you doing here miss piggy?” Mateo asked trying not to crack up from his horrible unoriginal joke. “Elijah said he’d bring me over to swim, he just gave me a head start.” I replied looking down at my hands. “Yeah you definitely needed one.” He stepped aside and let me into his home and lead me to the backyard through some sliding glass doors. I unwrapped my towel from my waist and placed it on a layout chair. I stood their for a few minutes applying a vigorous amount of sunscreen. I kicked off my sandals and started walking towards the pool when I felt a smack on my behind. I turned around and Mateo had twisted up a tshirt and was using it to swat me. He smacked me in the thigh which caused me to cry out. “Squeal miss piggy, SQUEAL.” He yelled, swatting me with his T-shirt while I tried to guard my body. “Squeal” he exclaimed. “Mateo.” A voice roared behind us. Mateo turned to face the voice and was greeted by my brother standing at the door, fist-balled as he caught his best friend taunting his little sister.** “Mateo Leone.” “Yeah actually, how did you know?” He smiled at me. I gripped my box and took off towards room 33, slamming it behind me and resting against the door. Cruel Joke Elijah, I thought, as I slid my bottom to the heels of my feet. The last thing I needed was this.