My diary - Real Life

-I got lost in 2018 I think the one thing that makes me suffer the most is knowing that I’m the one holding the gun. I hope that the dark clouds go away, and that I wake up with my skin soaking up the sun, on a beautiful spring day. -Somewhere in 2018… That saying: Focus on school… Even if I hadn’t, and don’t, this saying has a good reason. I do not believe that the richest people on earth have become rich because they were so dedicated to get their doctors degree. No, they have become rich through innovative thinking, or they invested. In this way, I can discuss topics like this with myself about literally everything. I also like to write lessons observed through other people’s experiences. -28/09/2018 01:04 I just met, well not particularly met, but met the person who had no selfrespect or respect for the others around that person. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I guess our norms and values were very, I mean, very different. I forgive you, we both kade the wrong choice. And since I see every experience as a lesson, the lesson I want to give you as I’m going to learn it the upcoming days: You can make something of your life, it just depends on your drive. -Somewhere between 2018-2019… Even though I write my daily experiences here, I am a very good dreamer. No, not that I dream about a Nutella cupcake from the coffee shop, but more about life. Goals I hope to achieve, and I can be as unrealistic as it can get. I write down the seemingly “unreachable goals” and look at them frequently. -Somewhere in March, 2019 When will my hair grow back, mom? Where did the joy of the house escape to, and why isn’t she coming back? Come with me and let’s find her, she’s everything to me, I need to find her, those innocent smiles… Where did my madness escape to, and why isn’t it coming back? Come with me, let’s find her, my madness was me, and they took me away from myself… they took me away from me. When will I come back, mom? I ran away, but where to? Let’s find her… we’ve reached the end and we don’t even realize it. We try to live, we try to make an effort, we try to get through the day with a smile on our face. We try to live like every normal person does, but we don’t realize that we’ve arrived at the presentation… If someone reads this, I only ask one thing from you: The only thing I wanted in life was to make my dreams come true, to leave this world and leave a mark behind. Let the mark stay, that’s enough. I came to this life for a reason, I know this, my mother always knew this. How much I wanted to help and motivate people, and just like every person, one day I too will lose my life and go. You used to say I was naïve, and you weren’t wrong, but you saw it wrong. Maybe I seem that way in your eyes. But I don’t see this trait as naïve. Even if the worst person is in front of me, I would still sit down and say, “Come, my friend, sit next to me and tell me your troubles.” Even if they are a thief or from the mafia, I don’t care. Do I get scared? Yes, I get scared thinking if they might harm me at that moment, but still, I would call someone “my friend” without shame. Maybe that so-called bad person has never heard the word “friend” in their life. Maybe they don’t even know the meaning of love. So, please, don’t call this being naïve. Humankind isn’t happy — and can’t always be. No one can be happy every day, every hour. I ask myself, why aren’t we happy? Why are we always ‘good,’ but whenever something happens, we go back to that habit of hurting ourselves, whether with alcohol, drugs, self-destructive behaviors, or even hurting the people we love with anger? Why do we allow this? We say “we’re human” as a defense, but don’t defend yourself by saying “I’m human.” We are all human. If you’re human, so is that person. I am human too. But most importantly — you are human. -March, 2019 We are alive, but we are not aware of it. Today is the twelfth of the third month. I thought it was the twelfth of the second month yesterday. Time passes quickly, but we don’t realize it. You will blink and find yourself saying, “I’m thirty.” Blink again and you’ll say, “I’m fifty.” And before you know it, your children will be raising money for your gravestone. We are alive — but are we really living? -8/04/2019 You really hurt me that day. You changed all of a sudden, and I didn’t recognize you. I held my phone in my hand for 10 hours, it didn’t leave my mind until 4 AM. And you probably don’t even remember the words that came out of your mouth. Don’t remember them—because if you did, you’d be hurt too. I wish I could forget. Your words just wouldn’t stop. I shouted, I screamed, and I cried. You threatened me with my life, and your own life. Maybe you’ve forgotten all of it— I wish I could forget too, I wish I could carry on in life as if nothing happened. But now, I have to forget you. -Somewhere in April, 2019 I think I’m ready to close this chapter of my diary and start a new one. I’m no longer the person I was a year ago. The person I used to be carried a dark side she kept suppressing. She didn’t know how to handle things clearly, and she was quite stubborn too. But I’m not that person anymore. That’s why it feels right to buy a new, special journal to begin this new journey. Dear me, I’m proud of your progression. I’m proud of you. You’ve grown from the scars that have marked your skin for years. You did great. You’re healing—slowly but surely—and you’ve found the path to walk on with a peaceful consciousness, filled with love and gratitude.