Our Story

Chapter 9

The pug wasn't there to bother me, so the other day, I peacefully meditated in the morning, followed my old routine, and got ready for my office.

When I came out of my house, I saw that pug standing and watching me from a distance. I picked up the same rod to threaten him. He took the warning and ran to hide himself in his kennel. Keeping the rod inside my home, I also walked ahead on my way.

Reaching the subway, as was my habit, I started searching around for her, thinking, "'Where is she? "

I didn't find her anywhere and that made me upset. But suddenly I remembered my decision that I made last night, unwillingly I threw all thoughts about her out of my mind. And convinced my heart saying, "She must have gone in the previous metro, I don't have to face her now. It's exactly what I wanted."

I took a deep breath distracting myself from her thoughts and stepped ahead into the metro, preparing myself for my regular and boring life forever. Real life to be exact.

That day, I behaved absolutely normal like I never saw her, never met her in my life. I passed the whole day smoothly, without any distractions and then the next day and the next day as well. Everything was fine, I was fine too.

But then a day came when I got on the metro and was engaged in insta, watching reels. After a few minutes passed, I got bored from that and looked around in the metro. For me It was just a casual scan but subconsciously my eyes were searching for a certain someone.

Not getting anything but disappointment in return, I reminded myself again, “She must have gone in the previous metro. That's what I wanted.”

But then my inner soul questioned myself for the first time, "Why is her absence bothering you? If it's what you wanted ?” and I didn't have anything in response, I ignored the question.

Few more days passed and one random day came when I was walking to my cubicle and the Boss blocked me on my way to say something. I just paused there, staring at his rough and continuously moving lips with my blank expression. My mind was lost somewhere else, to be precise in HER thoughts, questioning, "Am I doing the right thing ? Or should I go back to her and talk ? "

Minutes later, when I was back to the real world, he wasn't in front of me. I didn’t notice when he left. I glanced around for him, he wasn't there. But I saw my colleagues were laughing at me, that made me realize that he must have given me the regular dose.

What happened there I didn't have any idea. I was confused, what's happening to me, this never happened to me before. After realizing my situation I confronted myself, "I should concentrate on my work. My boss just bashed me, but what he was saying. And well it's good I didn't hear that.''

But suddenly my inner soul filled the space which my boss accidentally left blank and it taunted me, " Why are you thinking about her? Why can't you forget her, James? That's all you wanted, right?"

And again I don't have any clear answer to reply myself. Leaving my question behind I slowly led myself to my cubicle and tried to concentrate on my work.

Fifteen days passed, and I realized that the more I was trying to get away from her or forget her, the more she was distracting me. Every time I was changing my way, turning away from her, her thoughts blocked my way at every turn. That was also fine, I was fine even then. Even many times I tried to take that thumb ring out from my thumb, but whenever I tried to do that, I remember the moment when 'She' had tears in her eyes because of me and that guilt stops me from taking that out.

A few more days passed and I started missing her whole day. I didn’t feel like working or listening to music. I hadn't smiled a bit and started to feel some kind of emptiness in my life. Even before her, I didn't smile but this emptiness was not familiar. Whenever I saw her I smiled and started to like that change in me.

I again convinced my heart saying, "Just like Emma, I am just attracted to HER as after a few weeks Emma was completely out of my mind. After sometime I will forget HER too, then I will be fine. It's just a matter of a few weeks. Let the time pass."

Although time was passing, the restlessness inside me was increasing instead of fading away. To get out of that restlessness, I started listening to music more, tried to engage myself in social media more than before, passed time in the repair shop more than before, did everything which I was interested in but nothing could lessen that discomfort in my mind. Even that meditation therapy was of no use.

And maybe it was the twenty-first day since I didn't see her. In the evening at the repair shop, I just repaired a mobile’s camera in my third attempt. To check if it was working well, I pointed it at Max to get a click. I saw the lens was still shaking and Max was glaring at me through the camera with his huge round eyes, holding a spoon in his hand.

I slowly put down that mobile on the table and prepared myself to hear something from him and he annoyingly asked me, "What are you doing, James? "

"Repairing the camera." I said.

"I am not asking about the camera but the things you're doing." He replied.

I asked, innocently looking up at him, "What did I do?"

And he started a series of complaints in frustration, "You added too much salt in the food. Yesterday, you overcooked and the day before that you cooked baked beans but you forgot to add maple syrup. What the hell are you doing? "

I frowned and asked, "Really?"

He scoffed, "What! Don't you eat the food that you are cooking? "

And I replied nothing, just stared at him confusingly and blankly, thinking, "Aren't my taste buds working ?"

His voice brought me back from my thought, " I told you about that yesterday."

"Did you? I probably didn't hear that." I said with a shrug.

His nostrils flared more, throwing the spoon on the table he grunted, "This is your third attempt of repairing this mobile's camera, customers are complaining. You are not cooking properly. Where did you throw your mind, huh?"

I still didn't speak and kept on thinking about his complaints.

"Is this where my dad wasted his time? On s**t like you?" That was his last sentence of that conversation I remembered which completely annoyed me and I stopped listening to him anymore.

Uncle Paul wasn't only my uncle but equal to my father. This line of Max about his own father was an insult to him. Yeah, I agree I was blamable that I was not there with Uncle Paul in his last days. And that guilt inside me was one of the reasons why I was working in his shop even after Max treated me like his personal assets. Uncle Paul never did that to me.

Max continued on with his complaints for a few more minutes. And I kept my lips straight thinking about my worst situation while repairing that mobile again.

What made me laugh at myself bitterly was that Max still didn’t ask me about my problem. He was just blaming me for everything, not knowing what was exactly wrong with me. But on the other hand, it was also good for me. If he had asked once, I am sure that I would have told him everything. And he would have got one more thing to laugh at me.

I had seen many failures in my life, even I losted my crush in college days but never felt the way I was feeling about HER.

Max was complaining sitting in front of Me and I was totally busy doing my work. My hands were doing their job but again SHE started controlling my mind, "What she find attractive in me ? Will her fiance be better than me ? Will she forget me? Hey ! Why am I thinking all this ?"

While I shook my head to get out of the clouds of HER memories and to do my work properly. I heard some heavy footsteps of Max and the door slammed close.

After Max left, I went to the music system to play music but didn't feel like listening to it. I stood silently there glaring at the music system and coaxed myself saying that, "Max is the reason for my spoiled mood." I declared him guilty for it.

But again my inner soul taunted me to make me feel worse and declared me guilty, "Max isn't guilty but you are. Why aren't you doing the things that you were interested in? The things what's going on with you. That's the thing exactly you wanted, James. Don't you?"

This was my final brust. I finally came out of all my frustration and answered to my inner self out of irritation from it's continuous torture, " Alright, It's not the thing I wanted. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to extend my hand to her. Okay. I wanted that but... what's now?"

And I blamed my inner soul, "You did nothing before and now you can’t do anything. It has been maybe twenty one days since she got engaged. And now you can't take me out of this situation." I shouted at myself.

Besides that, still my mind couldn't solve the confusion inside me that, "Why didn't I miss Emma this much when I lost my chance with her ? Why is SHE bothering me so much ? Why am I attracted so much to her ?" And I was still unable to figure out these questions.

After a long discussion with myself, I came to a conclusion that, "Maybe she is bothering me because I wanted to talk to her atleast once, I wanted to hear her but did nothing when I still had a chance.”

“Tomorrow let's talk to her once, maybe after that her topic will come to an end." I finally made a decision after having a long confused conversation with myself.