Our Story

Chapter 15

When the Church's bell echoed into my ears, I gained consciousness with a totally confused mind. After a great struggle I opened my eyes, found myself lying down facing the floor and saw some blurry blood drops from my hazy vision on the white marble.

Giving my back the needed support I sat by the gate and looked around, my vision was still blurry, everything seemed spinning around. Rubbing my eyes I tried to open it widely and it took a few seconds for my vision to adjust and I interact with the emptiness in the church.

I went to flashback what happened before I fainted, the vision appeared when the Groom punched me on my face. I stretched out to touch my nose. And, "Ouch!!" It hurted very badly but very soon I stopped feeling that pain as I realised, just because I wanted to be under my f**king comfort zone I easily let the girl go whom I loved so much. It felt like my heart was in more pain than my nose, nothing could ease my heart except her. Tears started shimmering into my eyes blurring that vision again.

Earlier, I was planning to leave unnoticed from the crowd present in the church, tragically I was the only one present there staring blankly at the empty hall questioning myself, "Now what ? I missed all the opportunities of talking to her and being with her. Chances are gone like slippery sand from my hands."

My mind was totally in chaos and badly seeking for some mental support but I was alone in that church, even that interrupting bustard my inner soul left me alone, there was just me and the crucifix. So, making Jesus my ally I started idotic conversation with him, "Uhh ! Hi !... I've been in this city for many years but… you must haven't seen me and.... Umm ! today.. when I saw you I just started convincing you... without even thinking why would you listen to me... because I never came here before and...am sorry for that. It was just,.. I love a girl and I was so scared today when I thought that the bride was 'her'.." Whatever came to my mind, I grumbled like a fool, believing that he was interested in listening to me.

" I don't know whether she is married or not but she is engaged and it… it's not making me feel good, whereas it's not a new experience to me something like this has already happened before…. but, still this one is hurting me more,.... Maybe it will take a little more time but…., I think....One day, her memories will be blurred and that day I'll forget her too. What do you think ?" I asked, wearing a silly smile on my face, behaving totally strong.

I got nothing but a brief silence in return. Ignoring that I started telling him Our Story, "But this experience isn't totally the same as before…. You know, when I saw this… this metro girl for the first time I.. I was just unable to take my eyes off her, in that moment even I forgot to blink my eyes. There was something…magnetic,... something that.. no other girl had and... And after that day I just can't stop myself looking at her secretly,..... without knowing that she also used to look at me." Having her memories in my mind I was still smiling but now that smile was cheering one, with a sudden flare of joy inside me.

"And You know what ? Whenever I saw her, I felt allayed... I used to smile at every innocent action of her, I started to feel again. I felt….. charged and... and euphoric whenever my eyes were on her." When I was talking about her I was totally lost in her and feeling like my happiness was dancing through my thoughts.

"And I started thinking about her all day... Even when I work and that was totally unusual, it never happened to me before. Everyday I used to wait for the next day, for those 15 mins, it was completely strange and…and You know what, what was even more strange was that.. that Max, my friend, said no girl would ever love me but she did and her father disliked me, still she did. She loved me so much and... and that was clearly shown in those deep eyes. We were close… so close that day, but I was confused, I… I failed to understand her. And… And after that to make me understood, she even silently confessed her love to me, she showed me the ring… this ring, we both are wearing…." I raised my left hand showing him my thumb ring with full excitement on my face..

"She made me feel the most special person. I was extremely happy but surprised at the same time, how could she love me, she is so beautiful and I had nothing attractive, then how could she ? And… and, I just, at that moment.. I just wanted to run to her. I wanted to hold her hand,... pull her close to me, grab her tightly….into my arms and never let her go and,... and I….but.. I did nothing… I...I let her go… I chose to let her go… forever." Instantly that happiness went dark. It was like slipping down from the seventh cloud, and I stopped my unconscious one sided conversation over here because Our Story came to an end.

I became silent but the end of Our story shook my mind, which forced me to question my own decision. "Did I make the right decision ? Would there be another girl like her in my life again ?" I asked, looking at the crucifix.

Of course, I knew I was not going to get an answer from the cross, yet that dreadful silence gave me my answer and made me realize how lonely I was, not only in that empty church but also in my hollow life. That loneliness made my heart ache.

I slouched down my head on my knees and couldn't resist myself from crying badly. Something broke inside me and yet I convinced my heart that I can overcome from the pain of losing her, I may need sometime but my mind again played a trick against me. Instead of overcoming 'her' pain, it started recalling all the heartbreaking moments I had throughout my life. A slideshow of all those memories flashed into my mind, when I made the wrong decisions. Whether it was Dad, Rachel, Uncle Paul, Emma or the Metro Girl, I could have changed myself a bit for them instead I chose to get away, I chose to be alone. It's only result was a lot of regret from which I couldn't get away. It was a splash of remorse over the unbearable wound of loneliness and I couldn't stop myself from scattering completely.

Keeping myself in the judgement box I found I buried my heart under a thousand tons of rocks without any complaint. That feeling was even more worse and before that burden suffocated me, a surge of anger burnt through me and I erupted out loud, "It's all your fault. You are just a s**t, James. Nobody cares for you and you are going to end up alone and you are worth it." My loud voice reverberated throughout the empty hall, hitting back at me.

Now, I wasn't alone anymore. My loss, disappointment, aggression, depression were my company and all I could do was sit, regret and cry. So, I cried, I cried a lot. After about hours I could stop myself from crying and strangely I felt some kind of calmness inside me, as some weight lightened from my mind but my eyes were swollen shut.

Somewhere I read, when we cry a lot, two feel good chemicals named oxytocin and endorphins are released in our body which heal us emotionally. Maybe I cried until those chemicals were released because nothing else happened that could give my mind some ease.

Well, whatever it was, I sat there for some more time, thinking about my weird situation. My stomach was empty, I had a nose injury, that blood was dried up inside my nose because of which I couldn't even breathe properly, yet I wasn't feeling anything except the regrets, regrets of making the decisions I had made.

Today, it feels normal when I am recalling that moment but there are no such words in the English language through which I could properly express the pain I was going through that day. It was like a mind struggling with a hundred regretful memories and unbearable guilts, a desolate soul longing to fulfill that impossible wish that it can undo all the past choices it made, a heart dealing with that infinity dark emptiness, everything was stronger than words.

Nothing could have happened to me worse than that. I only had a bit of self-esteem left inside me but then it was feeling like I lost that too, I hated myself. And I had nothing to lose, just that stupid job that I might already have lost and that meant I wasn't going to lose anything if any of my action failed. All my failures urged me to atleast try, try for once, try to bring HER back into my life and I make one more decision, a promise to myself, that Our Story ends not here. Atleast not until I find her, make her know everything that I wanted to do when we last met, tell her about the pain I felt after letting her go, tell her how desperately I need her now.

Taking the support of the gate I stood up, wiped my tears, took a long deep breath motivating myself and stepped out of the church gate. But all my motivations stopped at the question that from where should I start ? I know nothing.

I closed my eyes in disappointment thinking about any friend who could actually help me, who knows this city better than me but everything went dark. In that extreme darkness I saw a vision of a person holding a blazing matchstick in his hand and it was none other than Max.

With a hope and excitement, I said, " Oh ! Yes. Max. He would definitely help me."

"Max ! That black sheep? Do you still think he's gonna help you? He'll just burn your wish and force you to just work in his shop all your life" My inner soul again interrupted questioning me.

I was like, "Where the hell was it hiding when I was completely shattered ? I shouldn't listen to it."

And ignoring my inner voice I slowly walked to my only friend's shop with the hope that whatever happens next will be better then this but I'm never right.