Forbidden Baby

Chapter 18 – Delivery

**Trigger warning – please note there is a difficult and traumatic birthing scene at the end of this chapter – please skip this chapter if you may be triggered by this **

Thia’s POV

‘Oh, No, No! There is no bad news, I worded that very badly. I’m sorry for worrying you’

‘But….’

‘Well, yes, there is a but…’

‘I knew it!’ worry washed over me in waves.

‘She’s a big girl Tabitha, and you are very petite. I am worried that if she gets much bigger, you will struggle to deliver her. You are due in a week, but you are classed as full term. I am going to suggest you get induce in the next week, do you understand what that means?’

We had done about this in our birthing classes, so I knew what to expect, I nodded, but then it dawned on me ‘If I have her this week, then I will be due to go hoe the week of my exams! I won’t be able to do them?’

I knew it was the least of my worries really, but the reality was, if I didn’t do them, I would have to repeat a year and with the loss of my baby, the boredom of repeating and not seeing Freddie, I think I would fall apart. I needed this for my own sanity.

‘Don’t worry about any of that, you can stay until you have completed your exams. It has been agreed already’

‘With my parents?’ I asked thinking they didn’t know I had completed two years of school since I had been here

‘When we discussed over Christmas with you parents the new due date, we advised your parents that your exams would need to be registered or you wouldn’t be able to sit them. They agreed for you to do them here and you will return home when they are complete’

I was relieved, but still none the wiser if they new the exams were my finals. I decided I didn’t really care; I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.

‘Ok, well I just need to make a few calls and book you in to be induced’ Rosa interrupted my train of thought as she made a call to the hospital.

I had asked for a water birth if it was possible, when I went to look around the maternity unit, they said as long as the pool was available, and my birth was likely to be straight forward, it would be possible.

When Rosa got off the phone she smiled ‘Ok, All set, you are booked in for a week today, so you will be induced on the 15th of April, you should see baby by the 16th at the latest’

I smiled wide knowing she was finally going to be here; I was going to meet Baby Girl and it all seemed so impossibly close and real. I could feel the tears rearing their ugly head again and I tried to keep it together. I was excited, but scared. It was all so bittersweet.

‘Will I still be able to have a water birth?’ I asked, hoping the answer would be yes.

‘Unfortunately, probably not, but they will check you and baby when you arrive and let you know for definite’ she looked apologetic ‘I probably won’t see you again, Tabitha, so you take care of yourself and good luck with your little girl, not that you’ll need it, you will make a wonderful mother’

‘Thanks Rosa’ I gave her a hug, the news wasn’t what I wanted to hear but I felt grateful I had such an understanding and lovely midwife.

We left Rosa in the room, and I shuffled all the way back to car feeling like I was about to topple over. I plonked myself back in the car feeling a little less angry at the world.

***

One Week Later

‘LILLY’ I screamed as another contraction hit me.

I don’t know why I was shouting; she was right next to me. Beads od sweat adorned my brow and I knew I looked like a mess. I always knew I would be doing this without Freddie, but somehow, now it was actually happening, it felt wrong.

‘I’m right here Thia’ she soothed.

‘I take it back; I take it all back! I don’t want her out of me! Put her back’

Lilly lightly laughed and I did not find it amusing ‘You are doing so well sweetie, just breathe. Remember the classes’

‘It hurts’ I almost cried

‘I know, but it will soon be over’ she soothed

The monitors were bleeping and the midwife looking after me did another check.

‘Okay, we are 6 centimetres Thia, you are doing well’ She smiled happily as she walked away from the bottom of the bed. I will never be the same after this! So many people have seen my v****a I felt undignified.

‘Only 6!’ I was devastated, I knew that meant this was far from over. It had taken me all day to get to this point.

‘4 more and you will begin to feel the need to push. But that will be a little while yet’

I wanted to punch her in the face in that moment. I had been here for hours, and the contractions were painful and nauseating. Telling me this will be a little while yet was not helpful.

I had arrived late morning, I was due to have my labour induced today, but Baby Girl had other ideas. My contractions had started during the night and my waters broke early hours of this morning, when I couldn’t take the pain anymore and the contraction were closer together, Lilly brought me in.

I was disappointed when they said I couldn’t have a water birth but I didn’t let it upset me. It obviously wasn’t meant to be. I had prayed several times today for the safe arrival of my little girl, but I also asked, a little selfishly, for it not to be too painful!

My contractions were now coming much quicker and hurt so much more. The Gas and Air helped, but it made me feel drowsy. I was tired and I wanted my Mum…. No, No I didn’t want her, I wanted someone who cared about me here with me.

I know Lilly did, but it was her job, and it wasn’t the same. As another contraction hit me, I tried to breathe through it and a sudden feeling of needing to push took over, not allowing me a chance to figure out what was happening.

‘Not yet Thia’ the midwife lightly chastised me, ‘you aren’t ready yet!’

‘I. Can’t. Help. It’ I gritted my teeth and breathed out as I pushed.

‘Thia. You aren’t dilated enough; you will tire yourself out’ she said more sternly.

I knew I had no idea what I was doing, but how could you stop yourself, when your body made you do it? It seemed ridiculous to me, but what did I know? I tried to hold back as another contraction came but it was almost impossible to not push.

She made her way back to the bottom of the bed. I didn’t have time to think for very long as another contraction came and the feeling of needing to push became unbearable, my body took over, and I pushed.

‘Agh’ that stung like a b***h!

‘Ok, I can see Baby’s head Thia, you have progressed very quickly. This is it! Baby is coming’ She said as she looked over at the monitor once again.

I didn’t see the look the midwife gave Lilly as she walked over to the monitors and pressed some buttons. I did, however, notice when she hit the red button by the bed and a quiet but obvious sound emitted as the light flickered on and off repeatedly behind me.

‘What’s going on? Why did you do that?’ a small amount of panic clear in my tone.

‘Ok Thia, it’s nothing to worry about ok, I need you to stay calm, but Baby is a little distressed and we need to move things along, I need you to try and stay calm, do you understand?’ she was so calm.

Why was she so calm? I could feel my heart rate increase and as I was about to say something, people I did not recognise entered the room and started making themselves useful.

‘Lilly?’ my small, scared voice was heard by only her, an obvious look of worry in my eyes.

As another contraction hit. I gritted my teeth and the sound that escaped my lips was low and guttural. The midwife was huddled in the corner with two others, as she came back to me, they quickly introduced themselves.

‘Thia, I need to check on the baby’ the doctor said with a firm and commanding voice, giving me no choice, not that at this point I was going to deny him anything he asked of me, I feared for my baby’s life.

I quietly nodded as Lilly took hold of my hand ‘Stay strong Thia, Baby Girl needs you’ tears threatened to leave my eyes, but I dared not allow them to escape.

‘Ok Thia, Baby’s head is almost out, it’s too late to do a C-section so you have to listen, and do exactly as I say, understand?’

‘Yes’, I swallowed hard, my mouth dry, I was in pain, and I was so, so, tired, but I knew I would do what ever this man said.

There was someone either side of my stomach and someone above, the doctor remained at the base of the bed, and I knew at that point this was serious. I tried to concentrate on the Doctors voice the fear emanating from me was palpable.

‘Come on Thia, you got this’ Lilly’s soft words of encouragement fell on deaf ears. I blocked out everything but the sound of the Doctor.

‘PUSH’ he barked as another contraction took a hold and I pushed as hard as I could, embedding my hands on the bed for leverage.

As I did all hands were on my stomach, assisting with getting the baby out. I couldn’t really see what they were doing, nor did I care as long as they did what they needed too, to save my daughter, because I knew at this point, she was in serious danger.

‘Well done, Thia’ Lilly soothed, but there was no time to consider I was doing anything good, as the Doctor ordered me to push again as another contraction took hold.

‘PUSH!’ his voice loud and commanding, ‘That’s it! keep going’

I pushed for as long as I could, and I knew the people around me were manipulating the baby inside me. I was exhausted, and in pain and I wanted so much for this to be over.

‘I can’t do this’ I cried, I knew I didn’t have a choice and I knew I would do what ever they wanted me too, but I felt so weak and alone.

‘Yes! you can Thia!’ Lilly’s voice was firm and strong, and it was the first time I had ever felt like she was imposing, but right then, I needed that from her. I needed a friend to tell me I was doing ok, and I could do this.

As another wave of pain seared through me the Doctor demanded I push one again ‘Last big push Thia! Push. Push. Push.’ He repeated until I could push no more.

A feeling of light relief washed over me as I saw the Doctor holding Baby Girl, but then everything went into slow motion as the events that followed seemed like they were happening to someone else.

I saw the cord wrapped around her neck.

Her face had a blue tinge to it, she was floppy in the arms of the doctor.

I watched on, in shock, as the midwife cut the cord with precision.

He whisked Baby Girl away to the side where another midwife was waiting.

I was shielded from the view of them working on her.

Panic consumed me.

She wasn’t crying.