The Withering Rose

I wish I looked at life the way everyone else seems to. They walk into each day with uncertainty and they seem happy about it. Every day is a new moment for them to make changes and to better their lives. For me it’s another day to see other peoples inevitable fate. I am reminded every day that I am different. That I will never fit in. That I will never have friends and family. I will never be normal. This “gift” I have seems to skips generations. My maternal grandmother had it, but she always seemed to be a happy person. I wonder if it was my childhood perspective. I can’t imagine smiling the way she did seeing what we do. I can’t imagine having a family and knowing I am passing on this curse to the future generations. A curse I now live with every day.  My Grandmother passed away when I was 8 years old. I remember her like it was yesterday. She was a short woman, maybe 5'2. I recall her bright white hair, short as it was it was always fluffy and windswept. She had the most beautiful ocean blue eyes, though when angered they would darken like storm clouds. Often times I wondered if I saw lightening striking in her eyes. Though she was small she commanded respect wherever she went. She was kind and strong, but always sweet and analytic. She was the first person my "gift" was used on. She explained to me that this was how it worked in our family. The day she died was the day the gift was passed along. She knew by the expression of puzzlement on my face as I looked into her bright blue eyes. I saw flashes of images I couldn't understand- I just felt today meant something, the date was implanted in my mind, through my eyes and deep into my soul. She just smiled at me relieved, ready. She took me aside and sat me down. “Rose darling, I have a lot to tell you. You must listen and remember everything I am about to say to you. It is very important. I am not sure when it will happen or how, but I am glad to pass this on to you. I am glad to know that our legacy will live on through you. There is a book I need you to take it. It is in a drawer next to my bed. You will know the book when you see it, you will be able to read it when you are ready, when you need it. You must keep it safe, when you are able to you must memorize it and you must keep it to yourself. It will be hard, and you will at times feel alone. Just know that this is your destiny. This is your fate. Just like it was mine and our ancestors before me. We are always together, you will never be alone.” For the first time in my life I watched tears drop unchecked from her brilliant blue eyes. Rain began to fall outside, the sound echoing all around us as we sit in the foyer on the bench. She did not seem to know that she was crying as she continued to grasp my hands and whisper words to me in a hushed tone. I looked at her slightly aged hands against my unmarred ones. I tried to understand what she was saying to me, I tried to grasp the words that continued to spill from her lips. I was confused and it all seemed to be rushed. She was acting desperate, and the words were not one of an organized mind. She did not seem to know what words to use and what information was more important for me to hear.  “It’s not your fault. The book, it will tell you everything you need to know. It will explain as much as I know, and as much information as your ancestors were able to gather over the years. I wish I had more time, we don’t know, don’t see when our time has come. It is not for us to know. Your mother didn't want you to know, but I wish I had the time to have told you, I wish I could have taught you everything I know. I love you Rosie and I love your mother. We will be together again darling, I will wait for you at the gates of Redium.” I looked at grandmother innocently, I tilted my curly brown head, my hair falling into my eyes blocking her tears from view. I smiled shyly at her, not realizing this was the last day I would see her. I hesitated a bit, unsure, not comprehending the importance or this moment, more naïve then I should have been allowed to be. This was the moment my life changed, I just didn’t know it yet, and wouldn’t for another 8 years. I wouldn’t truly understand the impact this moment really had on my life. “What gates grandma, are we taking a vacation”.  I heard her choke a sob as I spoke with such childhood innocence. She smiled weakly back at me, the rain coming down outside like waves on a beach shore. I couldn't help but be excited, I loved taking trips with her, they were always filled with wonder and adventure. She was always vibrant and compassionate, full of life and wisdom. She told the most wonderful stories of the fairies, elves, giants, werewolves, witches, and vampires. She told me stories as if they were her last breath and she spoke with such excitement and expression.  We would often sit at the park and grandmother would gaze out into the crowd. Grandma would either smile grimly or grin with a knowing look in her eye as people passed by us. I remember wondering what she saw that I didn’t. Did she see my moment, my ending? She never said. She never indicated a day I should be concerned about, that I should watch out for. So, I sit staring at my eyes in the mirror now. Multiple colored eyes, One Blue as the ocean, the other golden brown like the earth. Often they change colors to deepen with my anger, or brighten with my love. I stare at my eyes in the mirror every morning I awaken, I sit and I ponder “is today my day”? I wonder if grandmother thought that as well. I wonder why she didn’t tell me more, I wonder why she didn’t tell me before that moment. She must have known I would be the one to get the gift. Mother lost the ability to have more children. So why wait, why make it so she rushed her speech and forgot important details. Why leave me to this alone, unsure. I recall the way she mentioned mother, how she expressed moms distress over it all. I cant help but hold a grudge, but with it I am filled with heartache and longing. I miss Grandma every day. I miss and wonder why her time was so short, she was only 62. She should have lived a fuller life. She should have had more time. Maybe thats why she didn’t explain things, maybe she hoped for more time. I never got that book she requested for me to have. My mother went through grandmother’s things after that day, she stored it all away. I all but forgot about it, more focused on the stream of bad luck that hit the household after that. I remember just watching my mother as she moved from room to room of grandmothers house with a cloud of despair and sadness. I recall going home from grandmother’s house, walking through our front door and looking up at my mothers tear stained face. I remember looking into her sapphire blue eyes. Flashes of time zoomed past me, I saw her old and happily holding my hand on her bed, surrounded by such light of joy. I saw her grin at me with such mischievousness I couldn't help but smile back. My mom pulled her eyes away from me giving one large sob, her hand covering her mouth. She fell to the ground on her knees hugging her midriff. I knelt next to her grieving form. "I love you mom, we will see grandma again. She walks beside us in every moment, every happy memory. Every step we take she follows along. We will see her once again at the gates of Redium".  My moms head whipped up and a look of wonder drove the sadness away. "How do you know that word?" I looked at her with sadness " Grandma told me". My mom looked at me, eyes filled with determination as she rose slowly to her feet. She looked at me "Lets keep walking then, so grandma has a path to follow". I saw how her shoulders went back and her spine straightened and her brown curly hair swayed back and forth as she moved taking one step after another toward the kitchen phone. I walked with her my small hand clenched in her slightly larger one. She looked down at me with her clouded blue eyes, piercing through me like she was seeing someone else. At that moment in my heart I knew we lost grandma, before that moment I didn't know what it meant. I could not comprehend what lose really was. It was like her name rang through my head and thrummed with understanding in my heart. I looked toward the back door and I swear I could see Granma in the door way, she lifted her hand up in the air and gave me a two finger wave and a wink. I blinked and she was gone- the area darkened where she shone with such bright ethereal light. A long couple of days passed by. We walked into the funeral home, the hallway long and barely lit. No windows in sight. I looked into the coffin at the smooth slightly crystalized face of my grandmother. Light frozen crystallizations rested on her exposed body. The sight made her look all to alive, all to real, it made the situation more real. A light white powder resting on her hair and makeup painted on her face. I looked down at her and I reached out and touched her forehead. I looked at her closed eyes, missing the sight of her blue eyes, missing the way they would shine with such wisdom. I looked at the clothing chosen, a bright white dress, that glowed and glittered with various jewels, It reminded me of a wedding dress I saw in a magazine. I felt like it fit her, I could feel that it was an important symbolic choice. I could see the jewels on her fingers and wrist. Bracelets made with silver and diamonds shining brightly. The ring that stood out was a familiar one, Granma gave me one on my fifth birthday, it was an exact replica. A silver ring, with a black tree, on the tree were ruby apples. She told me it was the symbol our ancestors chose, I symbol that told people who we were and gave us strength. I loved my ring and every year my mom would get it resized to fit me, by request of grandma. My mom wore one as well, she would often take it off and leave it at home. She didn't like the weight it gave her hand, she didn't like jewelry, she always felt it restricted her like a snakes vice grip.  I looked back up towards grandmas face, hand still touching her forehead; I whispered, “Goodbye grandma, wait for me”. I turned towards the faces of the few distant family members that remained and several close friends, they were staring at me like they understood something that I wasn’t yet sure of. I watched as none of their eyes met mine directly, most looking at my nose or slightly above my head, I wondered why they wouldn't just look at me, why didn't they care! I rubbed my eyes harshly, scrubbing the tears from them with a vengeance. I saw my mother coming towards me with her hand out for me to grab. I took it, I noticed the ring she wore on her hand. The same ring I was just admiring, the same ring that rested on my own hand. Unlike mother I felt strength when I looked upon it, purpose. I didn't understand the importance but I knew there was some. In that moment I realized that the flashes I saw from mothers eyes, the date imprinted in my mind, was important, as it was important for grandma. It was the day I would lose my mother, it was the day she would pass to Redium as well. It was the moment I would be left alone. Silent tears escaped my eyes, not just for my grandmother, but for my mother. I knew when she would die, but I didn’t know that fate changes and that I was now a toy for fate to play with.