Damaged

So Many Emotions

WARNING: Suicide scene.

Jessica's POV:

        “Jessica,” a muffled voice came through. “Jessica,” it got a little louder. “JESSICA!!!” 

        I woke to see Daniel over me concern crossed his face. My breathing was heavy. My eyes wide with confusion. For a moment I had to compose myself. Daniel moved and sat at the edge of the bed putting his head in his hands. 

        What surprised me the most was that I was crying. I jump up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. It shocked him. I cried into his back for a bit. I was scared and confused at what was going on. 

        Daniel touched my balled up fist at his waist. He was a pretty wide guy and I have short arms. So they were at his sides. I felt like a kid with how wide he was. Also I could feel his muscles. They felt rock hard, but because of being scared and confused I couldn’t really enjoy feeling them.  

         He gently rubbed the back of my hands softly waiting for me to calm down. I really didn’t want him to see my face, but he grabbed my right wrist with ease and gently pulled me around sitting me on his lap. I will never forget the face he made. He looked so pained. I’m probably responsible. He gently touched my face.

        “I was so scared that you didn’t wake up. I ended up calling Jeremy. I thought you were in a coma,” his voice cracked. “I’ve been trying to wake you up for the last half hour. I was so scared you wouldn’t wake up,” he started to cry. New tears started in my eyes because I didn’t realize how worried he was. I felt so bad for worrying him. 

         He cried for a bit and sighed in relief. He wiped my tears away then he wiped his own. He placed me back in the spot I was laying in. But I sat up not really feeling like sleeping. 

        “I have to call Jeremy to let him know that your awake. I’ll be right outside the door if you need anything,” he said as he was leaving. He sounded like he just needed to get away from me. I was causing him so much pain that, and that just made me feel worse than I already feel. 

       I sat there stewing in my thoughts of my dive into a deeper depression. I just cause pain for everyone around me. Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to Jeremy and just took those pills. I had gotten up and went into the bathroom. In my toiletry bag I pulled out that bottle of the sleeping pills I had gotten at the hospital because I wasn’t sleeping at all. 

        I stared at the bottle and just started crying. I wanted so badly to just down the bottle and just fall into a deep sleep. This torment was just too much.     

       I untwisted the cap and just stared into the bottle of pills. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to end my life? Mom doesn’t want me to, but the pain was just too much.  

       Before I knew it, I put the bottle to my lips and was about to dump all the pills into my mouth, just as Daniel was coming back into the room. Mind you I didn’t close the bathroom door. Daniel saw me and before I knew that bottle was on the floor and pills just scattered everywhere. 

        He had slapped the pill bottle out of my hand and grabbed me and looked straight into my eyes. I tried to look away, he moved his hands holding my head. He looked so angry that he could vomit. I felt like I could vomit at this very moment. He then pulled me into him hugging me tightly.   

        “Don’t ever do something like that again. It’s not the answer to all your problems. If you have something on your mind then tell me,” He was crying as he talked. “If you need to complain or talk about your pain. But this is not the way to do things. You don’t realize how precious you are to us. How much we care about you. Jessica, please don’t ever do this again. Do I make myself clear?” By this time we both were crying. I nodded my head yes. 

         Why am I like this? I want to live to be with these people, but at the same time I don’t. But my will to live seems to be increasing just by Daniel alone.     

          By then we both heard my door open, but Daniel wouldn’t let me go. Until David came in stock white with shock. Daniel let go and pulled away from me. I was too ashamed to look at David. 

         “What the f**k happened here!” David exclaimed.     

         “Don’t yell please. I’ll tell you, could you call Johnny to just watch her? I can’t leave her alone,” Daniel mumbled to David. 

          Daniel walked back into the bathroom where I stood. He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me gently out of the bathroom. He steered me to the bed and sat me down. 

         “Just stay here a moment I’ll clean up the mess,” he said softly and then patted me on the head.  He went into the bathroom and shut the door. My heart raced because now I was alone with David.    

          David slowly approached me and sat next to me. My head was down because I was too scared to look at him. My hands balled up together in my lap. His big hand covered my hands. I just cried and cried. Just wondering where the hell I went wrong.

         David put his hand on the side of my head and pulled me into him. He then took his hand over mine softly rubbed my left arm.   

        “You don’t have to hold everything in. We are here for you no matter the circumstance. I understand what you were trying to do, and I understand you are emotionally fragile to everything and everyone around you. But it’s no excuse for what you tried to do. It hurts me to know that you want to just end it all. I’m sorry if we hurt you in anyway.” His voice was soft, but I could hear his voice waver here and there just at the fact that I upset him.

           I couldn’t believe a big serious man like this had such a soft side to him. He was trying to comfort me even with what I tried to do. Then Daniel came out of the bathroom.  

           “I took the pills and flushed them down the toilet,” he said sadly. I know he did it so I wouldn’t try to do it again. I just lost the will to try. But after this stunt I don’t think I would be trusted to be left alone. Like they do at hospitals when they consider you suicidal and they put you down for suicide watch. When they stick some nurse to sit and watch you to make sure you don’t try to commit suicide.     

            That’s when the door opened and Johnny came in looking confused. Daniel went over to him and whispered in his ear. 

           “Okay I’ll watch her,” he said and then David let go of me and followed Daniel out of the room so they could talk. 

            I laid down putting the covers over my head so I didn’t have to look at Johnny. But Johnny had other plans. He sat at the edge of the bed at my feet.

            “I know I don’t know the situation exactly, but you must’ve done something worrying because I’ve never seen either of them like that before. You may not know this, but they both met you when you were just a baby. They both were able to hold you in there arms and see the innocence in you.” The jealousy that colored his voice. He stopped for a moment.

          “When I first met Delilah, I tried to avoid her. She was shining like the sun and she would show David and Daniel pictures and and she would talk about the infamous Jessica with so much pride.” I was shocked he was actually saying this. Actually telling me something I’ve never really known before.    

         “One day she finally cornered me. She said ‘you don’t have to be afraid of me. I’m not going to bite.’ I just didn’t want to be as enchanted with you as everyone else was. But then she handed me a photo. You looked to be about five years old. You were just the cutest thing. Your blonde hair in pigtails and and your missing a tooth. Your mom told me ‘this is my daughter Jessica. She is just the sweetest little girl. She is really smart too. She’s always reading books by herself. The school told me she is at third grade level reading. I hope she grows up to do many great things in this world.’ Your mother talked about you as if you were the best thing that ever happened to her, as if you would change the world.” He stopped and silence ensued.

           I removed the blankets slowly peeking out to find Johnny staring my way. Hope filled his eyes as if he believed in my mom that he should believe in me because mom, too believed in me. What hope do I have in the future? What awaits me? What did mom know about me that caused her to believe in me?

         Being here already and I’m starting to feel a little suspicious of mom’s motives. Why would she want these specific people to know me? It seems very suspicious and hopefully I will eventually find out. These people though, care so much about me.  I don’t even know why they would even if they only heard about me. 

          I sat up slowly just staring back. It’s not like I could say anything. My words locked away. But just by looking at Johnny words can’t express how grateful I was for him to tell me something like this. For the first time happy tears filled my eyes. I may not really be able to smile, but I was happy that my mom wanted to tell a total stranger about me.

          He moved to my side and sat down taking my hand in his. The comfort and the warmth here. I feel protected. I feel hope here. I feel maybe I could heal here. I may carry the scars, and I may not be the same person I was, but I feel it’ll be possible.