becoming a unicorn

day one

Dear whoever you are,

I'm better at writing letters than journal entries, and I don't know if anyone is reading this but I'm going to assume someone is......I don't know how my journey will end but I wanted to let you know that I am safe.....or atleast I think I am.....

I made it to a domestic violence shelter.... there's a word for it domestic violence....as though those words are supposed to make me feel better about what I've been through....a place to stay for 30 days that I'm supposed to be able to have a job and saved up for my own place.....in that time apparently I'm supposed to be better....

but I am still scared.... you aren't allowed to leave for the first 3 days and that's ok with me but I haven't had a soda in so long....I wasn't allowed they all belonged to him as I used to.....

one of the other ladies bought me one... just a small can but opening it scared me. I was waiting for him to pop over the heavy wooden fence and take it away....I was waiting for someone to hit me because I was drinking something that wasn't water......she sat with me....

she understood that this is the hardest thing I have ever done....it might just seem like a simple can of soda to you but after that visit to the hospital grabbing anything to drink that wasn't lukewarm tap water for myself meant bruises and I was no longer allowed to go to the hospital without him.....

She had bought a 12 pack of soda and given me one...it took me 30 minutes to open the can and that was after she sat with me and opened one to show me that no one was waiting on the other side of the wall of that ten foot wooden fence......

I finally opened the can and the hiss from the carbonation escaping out of the top made me jump and put down the can....I didn't think I would be able to drink it but after ten minutes of no one even curious as to what I was doing I took that first sip.....

it was the best thing I had tasted in a while.i slowly sipped the can as she sat next to me and drank hers.....

she left me with the other ten cans and told me. that I should drink all of them. I didn't know if I could but I managed to do it....

I was supposed to cook dinner for myself that night but she cooked for me and served me the little things are the things I have to be ok with before I can do anything else for myself...and I couldn't relax enough to eat until everyone else had their fill but I ate and I got to enjoy my food.

the shelter gave me my own room I haven't been in it longer than dropping off the clothes they gave me and to go outside... that room is the scariest thing here but I am going to have to face it soon...I'm going to have to remember that he is not here and that I won't have to lay silently pretending I'm not here tonight.....