becoming a unicorn

my beginning.....her point of view

I started out wanted and unwanted all in the same moment. My father always wanted a daughter, my mother....liked to punish children for her pleasure and blame it on them. I tried to convince myself a long time ago that what she did didn't matter, that what they did wouldn't effect me I tried to remain strong through beatings and bruises and things that no father should ever do to his "princess" in the dark long after the rest of the house went to bed. I tried to tell myself I was better than that, I refused to become another number in a statistic but that's exactly what I ended up being.

Another number in a hospital bed, patient number 3169275 admitted into the hospital....

He had promised not to be like my dad, that I would never be hurt again; but unlike the rhyme sticks and stones hurt less than the words he used to over power me on a daily basis, "You deserved what they did to you!" " Why can't you just do what your told to do when I tell you to do it?"

This is all your fault.....I could easily convince myself of that. It was easy to convince myself of that, that I deserved no better than what I had. To ask for anything better would be a betrayal of what I really deserved. My brain was so messed up at the time I didn't realize that I had the right to ask for better than what I had.....that to have at a minimum on a daily basis of what I needed didn't mean that I was being selfish as I was told on a daily basis, I didn't understand that I wasn't even asking for what was considered basic human rights. I didn't understand as a child or as an adult it was ok to say no.....

If he wanted me but I didn't want IT I was convinced it wasn't my choice. Whenever he would climb on top of me I would have flashbacks of my dad in the beginning after awhile I could just lay there and pretend it wasn't me here. I wasn't the one laying on this bed with tears on my eyes that I refused to let fall. The power he had over me made him happy and crying pissed him off.....and turned him on in the same moment. I knew if I did that his favorite thing was to lay me on my stomach and hold me down as he slightly tipped my pelvis up just enough.....just enough to cause pain so unbearably bad that I begged him to stop....I would lay there like a good girl I promise I won't cry, I'll do everything else you want.......

just please don't put it there..........

but I didn't have any control I wasn't in charge of myself or my fate from the moment he promised to never hurt me.

so here I am in the hospital the exact thing I said I would never be... a number, another statistic, someone who had just about died for trying to run away.....

I let two silent tears fall for the person I should have become and the woman I was now....no more no less....two tears because I had failed myself.

One day in the hospital and HE was there.....the nurse said someone had called asking for me and she had told him I was there.... this places was supposed to be safe, this place was supposed to say I wasn't here......this place told him where I was and after visiting hours was over would let him sleep in the room....this place told me I was lucky to have someone who cared about me so much that I was lucky to be wanted by someone like him in the form of a 70 year old nurse who took him to my room without asking if it was ok.....this place let me know that when I came in covered in bruises that were shaped like his fists that if I didn't figure out where the courage I had when I finally told someone about my dad that I would never be free......

The thought that all I really had to do was find it (if it still existed within me) hadn't occured to me before, but it did now, and I had to look for it before I became another number on a different statistic before I ended up six feet under.