MY DOUBLE LIFE

Friday afternoons always left her with a buzz and had certain vibes here in the office, the kind that happened when everyone in the office had mentally checked out but was pretending to work. The time was 15:47 and that meant two hours and thirteen minutes until she could officially leave. She corrected herself and smiled faintly. See? This is why you don't do mental calculations when you're tired. Nandi adjusted her glasses and looked back at her computer screen. The numbers, rows and rows of them, invoices, reconciliations, expense reports, everything was predictable, everything made sense. Unlike most of her colleagues, she clicked on another spreadsheet, checking the figures for the third time because if she hadn't, she wouldn't be able to sleep if her mind told her something was off. Around her, the office was slowly coming alive with Friday energy, someone laughed near the reception desk, a chair rolled backward, someone was already talking about drinks after work. Nandi ignored all of it, or, at least, she pretended to. Her fingers continued moving across the keyboard while her eyes occasionally wandered away from the screen but not toward the clock, towards HIM. She caught herself, again, across the office, Daniel was leaning against the edge of a desk, talking to one of the junior analysts. Tall, clean haircut, expensive watch, that irritatingly relaxed smile. Nandi looked away so fast, almost like she got caught, then looked back. Okay, she allowed herself another three seconds or maybe four. There was nothing wrong with looking right? Looking doesn't count as cheating, looking wasn't commitment or anything serious, looking certainly wasn't love. She glanced at his hands, shoulders, his face. Okay, girl. She cleared her throat and tried her best not to sneak a peek at David again and returned her attention to her spreadsheet." You're doing it again." Nandi froze. Her colleague, Lerato, had appeared beside her desk." Doing what?" She tried to resist looking at what she was being accused of doing. "What?" Lerato pointed discreetly across the room with her head. "Shopping." Nandi nearly choked." I'm not shopping." Lerato sighed and shook her head "You've been staring at Daniel for the past five minutes"Nandi couldn't believe she got caught, she's going to be careful from now on"I have not." she denied. Lerato just raised her eyebrow and looked at her. Nandi knew she couldn't deny it any longer. She lowered her voice." Keep your voice down, Lerato." Lerato just laughed." Relax. Nobody cares." She was right. Nobody in the office cared who was sleeping with who and, yes, she feared that her good girl face could be ruined, especially at work! She knows she wouldn't survive that. Lerato squeezed her cheek and walked away. Nandi watched her go before slowly looking back towards Daniel but was no longer talking, he was looking directly at her! Their eyes met, for half a brief second, Nandi forgot how to breathe. Did he see she was staring at home earlier? Then Daniel smiled, not a huge smile, but just enough to be seen. She didn't smile back, she couldn't her body was frozen, and all she could think of was that he saw her. She immediately looked back at her computer. Absolutely not. She reached for her coffee, cold! Course it was cold. She took a sip anyway if it had been three years ago, she would have smiled back. Three years ago, she would have wondered what his smile meant and maybe would have boldly asked, three years ago, she would have allowed herself to believe that attraction could become something beautiful. Three years ago, she had been stupid or perhaps just hopeful, her past relationship had lasted three years, three birthdays, Christmases and anniversaries. Three years of believing she knew the man sleeping beside her until one night, she discovered that she hadn't known him at all. The memories came back whenever she allowed herself to think too long of his phone, the messages, the lies, the woman whose name she had never heard of before and the sentence that had hurt more than everything else. It didn't mean anything. Nandi's fingers tightened around her coffee cup. Except to her, that was the problem. It had meant everything to her and after that night, something inside her had changed. She stopped asking questions, she stopped asking where they were going, stopped asking what they felt, stopped expecting honesty and, most importantly, she stopped giving anyone enough of herself to break her again. The woman she had been before him had disappeared and in her place was someone far more complicated who understood exactly how much attention she could attract, who enjoyed being desired, who could walk into a room and leave without giving anyone her real name. She's now someone who could put on red lipstick, hide half her face behind a black mask, and become a woman her daytime colleagues would never recognize, and that woman didn't need anyone, didn't fall in love and didn't get hurt. Nandi glanced at the time.4:12 p.m. It was almost there, she closed the spreadsheet and began organizing her desk." Leaving already?" The voice came from behind her, she turned, and it was Daniel, upclose and he was even more distracting." Almost." He nodded, then looked at her computer." Are you working late?" Nandi wasn't sure how she should reply. "Unfortunately." That sounded like a more safe response. He smiled." On a Friday? Maybe I can buy you a drink after work." There it was. The invitation. Simple. Harmless. And yet Nandi felt the familiar walls rise immediately. She smiled politely." Maybe." Daniel laughed softly." That's not exactly a yes, but it's not exactly a no maybe I just have to take my chances." His smile widened and he walked away. Nandi watched him for two seconds before shaking her head." No." She whispered it to herself." Absolutely not." beneath the desk, her foot was tapping against the floor, because there was another voice in her head, a quieter one, a dangerous one. Why not? She looked at her reflection in the darkened computer screen, glasses, neat braids, conservative blouse, perfectly applied makeup. It was giving the dependable accountant, the woman everyone trusted. Nobody here knew that Friday nights belonged to someone else, nobody knew about the red lipstick waiting inside her handbag or about the black dress hanging in her wardrobe, the mask, and nobody knew why she needed it. She doubted anyone would understand. Nandi picked up her handbag. Tonight, she would become someone else, fearless, bold and look a man in the eyes and make him wonder what she was thinking. She would walk away before he had the chance to leave her. She headed towards the elevator, the doors opened and, before stepping inside, she glanced back. Daniel was still at his desk and he was watching her. Their eyes met again but this time, neither of them looked away immediately. Nandi smiled, just slightly. Then the elevator doors closed, she exhaled, tonight was going to be interesting. She just didn't know yet that it was going to change her life.