The last night

02:17

"but if we never try, we'll never make it to the end"

March 1. one month since i started dating this dreamy guy. february 1 midnight was f*****g hard for me. i ended my toxic friendship with my ex, yale. that costed 1 hour of crying session. i ranted to zuzie as i felt safer with him. my first day of february was so f*****g worse, but this guy, zuzie, just made my february a magical and dreamy night i can never forget.

When me and zuzie first started dating, we communicated our feelings by writing letters. While he was asleep, i went through his letter, drinking coffee. Looking back at every memory and how shy we were to confess our feelings. As i start to dream about it all, i sob everytime. To be able to confess my love to zuzie, inez had helped me to confess my feelings to him. And looking at every memory of how inez helped me, how zuzie reacted, its all a dream.

We actually started to text on january 29 02:17 (am) i really hope this kind off happiness lasts forever and ever.

My life really went uphill ever since the first day of dating zuzie, and i hope he knows he made me happier since then. i dont know what kind off person i would be if i never texted. i dont know what type of shits i would be doing if i never met you. I dont know anything about life, but meeting zuzie i finally know what life is now. Zuzie makes me get over my past trauma as if he brought light back to my life. The light comes and takes over my darkness.

I miss him everyday. I just wanna be able to just get his glimpse at least once a day. god knows how i survived one week without his glimpse..

this ones to zuzie,

"you mean the world to me. i dont care if we'll ever last forever or not. i know the term forever is itself a joke, but as they say "turn jokes they say to you into a reality" we can turn whenever into forever?

i dont like to live with a good memory, only because i dont want to look back at trauma.

i wish i could tell you every small detail about my life, but certainly im unable to. im afraid to get my trust broken. im scared to ever trust again. i really do wish to be able to tell you everything, but i cant. everyone broke my trust, my brother didnt. would you break it? what if you turn into another version of yale? but what if you're another soul like my brother? what if you leave me too? what if you leave due to my issues? but really, what if we break up or fell apart?

you see how i described every thought and it just haunts me, nobody gets it. will you be able to decode the answer, because i cant.

i certainly dont want to ruin our one month together by sharing intrusive thoughts. i hope we do last forever.."

- *diary of fari*