BLAMELESS SORROWS

6. Red

Heri's Point of View.

May 6, 2017

Hey there, I have turn twenty three this year.

And I have another surprise for you, the person who left the food and lit a fire last year come back this year too and leave the same thing again.

Which tell me that, he or she intentionally do so. I first doubt whether it was just a coincidence, but the way the food are kept and the fire lit up told me that it was intentional. And besides I also pick up the same scent of the person of last year.

And this freak me out, cause this means that there is someone who know that a beast is there and that I can shift, if not why would they come there and leave food like that. I get rid of any animal since I can't hunt anyway and it will be dangerous, so no one to feed other than me.

At first I thought it was aunt Meridith's doing but when I confront her with it, she said she is not the one. So this means someone besides my aunt and me know about my secret now. And I fear that this secret I have been guarding so carefully will get out anyday now. But it's been two year and no word about it, and the person is trying to comfort me judging by their action.

And besides I know I should fear it and tried to find out about the person, but knowing the fact that, there is someone out there who cares for me and want to give me something even after knowing that Iam a beast make my heart so warm.

The feeling is so warm that the many question I want to ask, I don't want to anymore in fear of the answer.

But I still want to meet whoever they may be, I wish I could say at least one thanks.

So for my birthday this year, I wish that I could meet this person at least once.

What a relief, at least he is not all freak out that somebody know his secret and is quite calm about it.

And also for being called the most intelligent person, I surely am lacking.

I should have at least tried to make all the staging of the food and fire a bit more fake.

But then again, I didn't even thought of faking it in the first place, rather I was trying to make everything as visible as possible so that he will have no problem finding it. So that at least due to this he won't have a hard time.

But this turn me into a fool!

What a mess.

Hey, but at least he is okay with someone knowing. Okay, he is kind of okay with someone knowing.

But nonetheless, I think I will also be okay with meeting him someday although I won't really be able to explain how I know all the things I know.

Anyway, for that birthday I remember wishing for me to meet him as well.

May 6, 2018.

Hey again, I guess I have become quite old now considering Iam twenty four now. Once again happy birthday to myself.

Oh and I have a surprise bigger than any surprise I have ever share on this journal, for today.

You see, my last year birthday's wish did come true. This is the first time my birthday wish ever come true.

By my birthday wish coming true I mean, I meet the person who leave me food and make me fire.

Oh, also she did the same this year too. She left tones of food for me, and even dig a hole to start the fire this time. Safety must have been one hell of a concern for this person.

But anyway Iam fairly certain I have met the person, but I might be wrong as well.

I don't really know when I realise this but since the day I shift, my sense of smell has become a lot sharper and I seems to remember the scent of the person left behind in the forest. And later, I met a person with the same scent.

I was suspicious of it from then, from since I get the first scent of the person. But I was not quite sure as I may be wrong.

But when I shift again this year and went back to the forest and get the same scent again, I become quite sure of it. The person is quite not I expect it to be, but then again my expectation were non imagery anyway.

But I still can't believe she is as close to me , as this much. I can never believe it, but Iam quite happy that she is in my side. The infamous Heri Awor, is the one I was so much curious to meet.

Iam quite happy to know about it, although I don't know why. Anyway for this year, this is enough, I don't need another wish.

Catching up this information I remember the glass of coffee I was holding slipping down from my hand while I stand there shocked beyond anything.

Iam suppose to be the one, who knows everything. Iam suppose to be the bowl of all knowledge. So how the hell does it make sense that he recognise me first.

This was my game, the rules I set; so how did he just win like that.

Hell I don't even know who he is yet, he never once write down his name in the journal, not even once.

But I guess, considering he is meeting me; he is someone I know.

Someone I know, who have met me in the past few month. Heck! I will never be able to know if that is the only way to know.

Cause I may be able to remember everyone that I have met but there are way too many people, I cannot sieve through all of them. It's impossible.

Man that suck, mainly because even at that time I didn't have the courage to meet the beast.

And by the way, I dig out the ground to start a fire and make it obvious because he wrote last year that he already know Iam there for him.

Err! Anyway for this birthday unlike him, I wish he could be cheerful and continue to enjoy the little happiness he have like he is doing so now.

May 6, 2019.

Hey there, I guess Iam twenty five now. Getting pretty mature now , huh?

Looking back I have grown a lot since I start writing the journal. I was just fifteen back then. Anyway, happy birthday to myself again.

Nothing have changed that much since last time, but just the fact that work seems to be getting more and more busier. But thankfully my energy is never exhausted.

I still shift but that has become a part of my life now which I can't dispense and much of the time does not even notice it's there anymore. It's more like a 'routine I must follow' thing now.

But now, seeing Heri is fun. Talking with her is cool and besides I can be a tad bit more comfortable with her, considering she know who I truly am. But I have a strong feeling at the back of my mind that she dont seems to realise that Iam the beast and the beast is me. But that maybe just my imagination as well.

Anyway, even this year I have nothing to wish for. Rather Iam quite grateful that my year has been so peaceful and quite.

I remember shouting by myself that yes I don't know who he is and who the beast is, cause he never write down his name.

Damn him, he is even talking and interacting with me knowing Iam the girl who gave him food, while me Iam clueless.

This year, I swear I tried my best to find any hint of who the beast is but no, I find nothing from nowhere. So basically I know nothing new and am still quite clueless.

But he seems to know me well, he wrote that interacting and talking to me is fun, which means he must be in my close circle. Cause I may know and meet a lot and lot of people but I hardly interact or talk with any of them.

Rather, I interact and talk around with only the people from my close circle. So then, is it Vann or Tilbe. Cause thats my close circle and I don't have anymore than them as my close ones

Hah! but it cannot be them, cause Vann is my family and our family does not turn into beast while Tilbe is a she, while the writer of the journal clearly state himself as a he.

Aww, this is so annoying and not fair. How can he know and observe me while I don't even have a doubt that maybe this is him. I have no one in my mind, absolutely no one.

Anyway, that year I wish for me to be able to know who he is real soon and that I will be very grateful.

May 6, 2020.

Hey there, Iam turning twenty six from today on. Oh, by the way I dont have to wish myself a happy birthday this year cause the fruit basket sent me a cake this year wishing me a happy birthday, and damn true to her name, even the cake was so so fruity. It was literally filled with fruits.

Well I guess, people call her the fruit basket for a reason.

But above all the year has been pretty average, with nothing happening. And sadly this time, I could not see Heri much. Cause half of the year I was away while the other half it seems she was, cause I never saw her in all the meetings.

So yeah it has been pretty much boring.

And typically even this year I don't have a birthday wish.

Yes last year I did went away for a while for some work related things.

But I remember thinking if he know all this, this easily and Tilbe also sent him a cake, then he is someone close to the royal family. Which is rare!

Cause for reason unknown, Tilbe shut down the palace for a while now. And unless it is work related or personally invited, no one is allowed to enter the palace.

And considering he said he meet me in meeting, is he one of the officials?

Wahh this is annoying, I can't believe he is this close but also this far.

AND yes, this is about how far I know about the boy who can turn into a beast, the beast who I just met.

So, you see. When I meet him in the forest, he know who Iam and what Iam doing there, and now he can control almost all of his action. And that must be why he did not attack.

But then again, he must really have been disappointed. He was happy and was enjoying the little warm feeling he got from the fact that someone cared and is not afraid of him, even though I know he is a beast.

But my action show him a complete otherwise, I was practically shivering right in front of him and not even being subtle about it.

In the back of my mind I keep on thinking I should have done better, but then physically even now Iam scared. I don't even know exactly what Iam scared of, it's not like he is going to eat me or anything like that.

Well but then again, he could scratch my little heart right out.

I shake my head, I know he is not that vulgar. I know that, but seeing a beast in real life and expecting it to be friendly is a whole new other experiment.

I shake my head rapidly to shake off all the thought I have and cool myself, and then take off the cloak and was about to put the basket away. But it felt a bit heavy so I checked what I have brought back, and there I saw the flame blow torch.

And I facepalm myself!

Last time I brought a small lighter and it was proved that, it is so hard to light a fire with it. So this time I bought a flame blow torch, a big one at that but forget to light a fire it seems.

In my rush to escape I have forgotten to make a fire. Damn me, and poor him!

It is quite windy today, and it's not even night yet and it is so very cold. What will happen to him, he will be cold again. Like the first time he was here. This is what I want him to avoid, but now look at me.

This keep on bugging my mind, but I decide not to mind and go to the kitchen to fill my stomach cause damn Iam hungry. I went to the kitchen and make myself a sandwitch and start to munch on it, but it was like eating a dry sand.

The fact that he must be cold and shivering keeps on bugging my mind, to the point that I can't eat.

This is serious, Iam someone who can't stop eating and always have a snack in my hand. But now my favourite sandwitch taste like sand.

Ah! I can't sacrifice my eating habit like this, so I do what I got to do; just for food.

So with that rush and adrenaline I put on my cloak once again, grab my basket and the sandwitch and start my journey munching on the sandwitch.

And maybe because my conscience is clear now, but my appetite is clearly back and had I knew it will be like this, I would have brought an extra sandwitch.

And like that clumsily, I reach the forest once again.

Yeah, Iam back at the same place I run from, just twenty something minutes back.

I stand at the secret opening I have made and sigh hundred of time to myself, urging myself to go in the beast tent.

After standing for a while I did enter and start to walk towards the hole I have dug, to quickly start a fire and run again.

Within no time, I reach the place where the hole or the fireplace is, but my plan to run was not a success.

As the beast is right there, curled to himself, looking vulnerable in that state somehow. But what make me shocked is that, he is crying just like a human being. His cries sound just like a human, and that is how I know he is crying.

Why is he crying? Did something happen.

And suddenly I don't know where the courage come from or where the sympathy even arise from, or why did I care this much. But seeing him cry, make me feel like Iam seeing a long known friend crying being hurt.

So with no clear understanding of my action, I went up to him and slowly and softly pat his arm, cause that is the highest part of him that I can reach even when he is sitting.

But my touch must have scared him, cause he spring up pushing or flung me back in the process, I was flung far back and was waiting for the impact which never came.

I look in shock at the speed he move, but nonetheless he did catch me before I fall down. He lift me up and look at me from top to bottom, maybe checking if Iam hurt but since Iam alright, he let me down gently and just stare at me.

Heri: Fire, I forgot to light the fire. And hello again red, and also forgive me for my rude behaviour before.

Wow, did I just call him red? But then again my other choice was Blacky which sound a bit too much like Iam calling a dog so. His name has to be based in either his red eye or his black fur, cause thats the only two known fact Iam sure about him.

Red look at me in wonder, while I try my best not to squirm in discomfort. But I remember he can't speak in this form but can understand me so I raise my hand.

Heri: Forgive me?

He look at my hand for a bit but then forward his hand which is way too big for me, so we shake our hand with his one finger and my whole. Looking at that I smile, all fear gone by this time.

At that time, a harsh wind blow by and it is getting more dark so I make it my mission to quickly start the fire and went home before Vann cried himself to death thinking Iam gone.

So letting go of his hand, I start looking around for logs. It is usually available in plenty, so I pick up all the fallen once and collect them. While I was doing that and I look back, red have collected much much more than me, right behind me mimicking what I do. I look at him shock while he look back at me like a small dog, asking for praise. I chuckle at my imagination.

Heri: Thank you.

I smile and with that I start the fire while he stand just besides me looking at me in wonder and care? His eye is filled with much much more emotion than I can ever imagine.

But after the fire was done, I went and sit besides him.

Heri: Hey red, I don't know what is wrong or what happened. But please don't cry, Iam sure everything will be fine. And if you need any help, find me anytime either in this form or in your human form alright?

He look at me for a while and his countenance show that rather he was frustrated, but I don't know why. But after a while of squirming he raise one of his fingers again like he did last time when we shake our hand.

Ahh he must have been frustrated because he can't speak and this must be him agreeing. So I quickly raise my hand and shake his, smiling at our quickly settled way of conversing.

Heri: Anyway, goodnight. I have to go now, it's getting dark. Rest well!

With that I get up to start my journey again and he did the same, I look at him confused but he nudge me from my behind to go forward once again like he did last time. And there I knew, he is trying to drop me home again.

So this time I walk beside him but silently and like that we reach the small opening again.

I look back at him and slowly wave my hand as a bye, which he too do but awkwardly, making me smile in amusement.

Heri: Let meet again soon, red!