BLAMELESS SORROWS

70. Back Home.

Axel's Point of View.

My hand shiver as I hold on to grandpa's tightly.

Was I shivering due to the coldness of the hand I hold or due to the chill in my heart, I know not?

But in that short moment, I felt my world has lost its light and guidance, it seems my life has lost its way and all path has been block by the harsh thorn of reality.

I look and search for anything but all the paths and ways cant be seen as it is pit h black and my eyes seems blinded by it.

I knew this moment will come but I could not accept it at all.

I feel no life in the hand I hold, the magical rythm of life long gone from his heart.

And I knew, grandpa has went back home.

Grandpa is no more with us,

he really is gone now.

He really have left like he said he would with such a beautiful smile and a happy face that we could not even comprehend that death was considered a dark and unhappy moment in our life.

Cause the peace and happiness in Grandpa's eye seems so etheral and beautiful that it seems it can't be possibly related to something unhappy and to mourn for.

But as unwilling and shocked as I was, the darkness clear up bit by bit, but just to be filled with a darker and harsher darkness. The sound of the cries of pain compels me to have my own light so I could shine for my love one.

So I could be the guide in such a dark times for my most precious person in the world. My little gift.

Her tears falls and falls endlessly as she look at grandpa, frozen by the shocked she just recieved.

Her hand unmoving, her hands stilled while her eyes aimless and only the tears move, flowing aimlessly.

Tilbe: Grandpa? What is happening to grandpa?

Uncle Jo quickly check grandpa pulse and call a doctor quickly just in case, while Tilbe sit there lost.

Grandpa look as peaceful as he is just sleeping but the coldness of his body and the paleness of his lips alerted us. And the warmness of his soul and life being gone can be known even without us feeling it or seeing it.

But nonetheless I have another things I have to do now. So, I quickly get up of my seat composing myself, as Uncle Jo check and check grandpa pulse with no hope of any life.

I went to Tilbe and hug her tightly and as closely as possible to myself.

While tht brought her out of her frozen state, and make her look up at me like an innocent child, lost and not aware of anything.

Tilbe: Ax?

Axel: Yes, little gift. Iam right here, your Ax is right here.

She look up at me, her expression still lost and aimless.

Tilbe: Ax, grandpa?

I clench my teeth as hard as I can, afraid of my own words which I have to say. Afraid of the painful expression that will filled her hopeful eyes in a bit.

Axel: Grandpa has done so much and work so much all the time, so he need to rest for a while now little one. Grandma is waiting for him for a long time, we should give them some time now, should'nt we?

She still look up at me, tears polling at her bright eyes by now.

Tilbe: Ax, grandpa......

Axel: Um grandpa has gone to heaven now, so let's wish him well and make him rest in peace alright?

She just seat by the bed quietly, her eyes now on grandpa once more. Hands still holding on to him tightly.

Tilbe: Ax, grandpa...

Her breathing becomes heavy as she start to cry, her whole body shaking overwhelmed by sadness and pain.

Tilbe: Ax, grandpa is....

Her shoulder shake non-stop while her tears run free once again, while her hands softly touching grandpa's chest just on his heart. Then her hands move on lightly on his face, as if feeling if there is any life she can pick up on.

Tilbe: Grandpa?

She lightly touch him again, but unlike her hope no response come making her cry more and more but silently.

Uncle Jo and me stand there not disturbing her in anything. She need time to accept this, and that is all we can give her right now.

Tilbe: Grandpa, where are you gone? Wake up, huh? Wake up please!!

I bowed my head unable to looked at them anymore while uncle Jo turn away as well, hiding his own tears.

Tilbe: You are scaring me now grandpa! Please don't make this joke anymore and wake up.

She shake him a little while calling out to him again and again, her voice becoming more and more anxious each second, more and more fearful at each call.

Tilbe: You always agree on everything I said and give me everything I want right? So why aren't you agreeing now, please listen to me and wake up now grandpa, please......

For a split second, in my heart I kind of wish that grandpa will just stand up like nothing happen and evrything will turn back as it was before.

But I know better.

Tilbe: Grandpa, wake up. You said you have nowhere else to go if we are not there. See uncle Jo, Ax and even me, we all are here. So how come you are going away?

She cried silently, as if surpassing her pain so painfully.

Tilbe: Come back Grandpa, you cannot break your promise like this. Wake up, grandpa wake up, come back now.....

And she shake grandpa violently, making me quickly get a hold of her and hug her tightly to my chest, lifting her up in my arms and going to the next room to calm her down a bit.

Her eyes are bloodshot red, while she look as lifeless as ever. I seat down by my bed in my room and looked at her while trying to hold my own composure.

Axel: Little gift, grandpa is gone now and we have to accept that alright? We have to okay?

I said it a bit more sternly, and a bit more authoritative, so that she can accept it as quick as she can even though it will be more than hard to do so. Cause even me myself, I have yet to accept it.

Tilbe: Please, Ax, ask grandpa to wake up. He listen to evrything you say right? Please......

She cling on to me tightly, while I hug her back as well but I know what I have to do.

Axel: Tilbe, we have to accept that grandpa is no more with us. Whether we want to or not, it sadly doesn't matter anymore.

She just shake her head in a no and continues to surpassed her cries.

Tilbe: No no no no no no.....

I quickly get a hold of her chin and make her look at me, while my expression pained and cold at the same time.

Tilbe: Please.......

The cold exterior completely feel as she so helplessly said so, and I pat her head lovingly and as warmly as I can.

Axel: Look here little gift, grandpa is gone now. He is and no one can said other wise, but that does not mean he is not with us anymore. Grandpa will always be our grandpa, he will always be there for us and will look after us and blessed us from wherever he might be. He just left a little earlier to build us a home and introduce us to grandma cause she miss him so so much and is dying to know about us. We will all meet again then, we just have to part for a little while okay?

She climb into my arm and finally cry out, all loud and finally all her pain shown.

Axel: Cry out little gift, cry as much as you want now. It will be alright soon, it will be alright.

I pat her head as she cried on and on.

I hope she will cry all her pain away so that when the time comes it will be a bit easier for her to say her goodbyes. So that she will be a bit more alright, and her pain will be a bit lifted. I hope she cry all her pain away, and by the end of it she will feel a little bit lighter and less sad.

Tilbe: But can't grandma wait for just a little bit more? Can't grandpa stay with me a little longer, he promise he will right?

I hug her back as tightly as I can while she cried as she shuddered her words out, pain filled in each word.

Axel: They love each other a lot, grandpa has been with us for a long time now. So we have to give them some time too right? We are all grown up now, aren't we? We have to show grandpa what he have taught us and be happy and strong right?

She stay silent, still crying bitterly.

Axel: Little gift, we can and we should mourn for grandpa but we should not be so sad okay. Cause grandpa will always live in our heart.

I said so and softly pat her on her back while she keeps on crying, clinging on to me tighter and tighter getting closer and closer, trying to find any kind of comfort possible, making me embrace her as tightly as I can.

I seems to need this hug as much as she does, but only she doesn't know Iam leaning on her too.

Tilbe: I just don't want grandpa to go yet, I love grandpa so much. How can he be gone just like that? Grandpa has been there in my life all these years, how do I live without him now? How?

I know better than she does that for Tilbe, grandpa is like air that she need to survive.

Grandpa is hed mother, father, grandpa and friends all in the same person. He was her guardians as well as her companions all her life. And she depend on him in everything, she go to him when she is sad, she went to him when she is happy, she always went to him either when she is bored or playful.

And it is hard to even imagine that, the person who is like your support system is gone now, your gaurdian angel is no more there to protect you. But we know better that we have to accept it.

Axel: It will be alright little gift, so just cry as much as you want and mourn as much as you can. And it will all be alright.

It have to be alright, it have to be!