BLAMELESS SORROWS

69. Fly past.

Axel's Point Of View.

I sit there, my mood solemn as ever. While grandpa sit there looking at me with his warm eyes.

Grandpa: I know crying is not something to celebrate about, but Iam so glad you cried it all out. At least Iam relieved that you have not pent all of it up.

I look up at grandpa in pure sadness.

I know that he feared that I will put Tilbe first and will leave myself behind, and I do also fear that.

But deep down I know that Iam not that brave and courageous to comfort someone when Iam down at the deepest pit myself.

Grandpa: Don't worry about me my boy, I will go and enjoy with your grandpa, with your parents and you aunt and uncle are also waiting for me. But other than that, if you really want peace for me, free yourself in whatever way you deem fit and whatever will bring you happiness. Cause that is the only thing I regret not able to do with you.

I look at grandpa with regret.

I know he worry about me a lot, I know grandpa really hope that I will get myself out of this prison I create for myself and guard myself against.

I know he want me to love as well, to date, to have a lover, a wife and children one day.

I know grandpa dream of all this and dream of helping me all the time.

He always told me that people with Tama live carefreely like everyone else does and that I don't have to fear it so much.

He told me when Iam out and when I get used to myself living with my Tama, then although it won't heal and will never go away, but then I will get used to it and will know how to live with it.

But I fear it too much. The fact that I can even strangle such a huge beast by myself because of my Tama scared me too much. Cause I know if that beast was a human, then it life will be long gone and it will be because of me.

I could never accept that for me to love and love freely, soemoneelse has to suffer a danger taht is as bad as dead. I just couldn't accept that. Cause the fear that come along with the feeling of terror is not something I can afford.

And because of that, even at such a critical moment. Even if I knew how much this all mean to Grandpa and might actually be his last advice and wish for me, even then I couldn't answer anything.

Even then I stay silent and my head remain bowed. Cause I know that promise is something I can't give.

Grandpa: Iam a little tired now Axel and want to rest a bit. But these days all I have been doing is sleeping and just really sleeping. So would you mind calling Tilbe and Uncle Jo and staying with me till I fell asleep. It somehow feel like all of us hasn't been together for a long time.

I quickly nod at that in a yes, happy to comply.

Axel: Just wait for a bit grandpa, I will get Tilbe and Uncle Jo okay?

He slowly nod his head while I quickly went out, looking for Uncle Jo and Tilbe.

Uncle Jo was by the door of the living room looking through some document.

Axel: Uncle Jo, grandpa is looking for all of us. If it is not something urgent, can we please meet and accompany grandpa?

He quickly left his document by the table hearing my words.

Uncle Jo: All the things in the world can wait. Come on let's go and make that old guys of ours laugh till the sun set.

I smile as he said that. Of course, for Uncle Jo grandpa is always the first priority.

Actually Grandpa is Uncle Jo uncle from his father side. But since he was a lot younger he grow up in Grandpa's house and more or less take grandpa as his father. And he truly love him as such.

Axel: You go ahead, I will get Tilbe and come.

He nod and turn towards grandpa's room,but I stop him again.

Axel: Oh, uncle Jo; by any chance do you know where Tilbe is?

He turn back as I ask that.

Uncle Jo: She was seeing Vann out at the door just a moment back. So Iam guessing either she is by the door or is still conversing with Vann in the yard.

I nod my head in understanding and went towards the door, but outside of view.

I listen for any sound in case they were still there but there was silence for a long while, so I step out of the wall and went to the door but there was no one there.

Then I guess, they are still outside.

I was about to turn back and wait for Tilbe but just before I did, she came in closing the door behind her. She get a bit surprised seeing me right in front of her while I just wave lazily leaning by the wall.

Tilbe: Ax? Why are you here? Are you going out?

She look at me up and down suspiciously for some reason while I roll my eyes at her unreasonable uneasiness.

Axel: The last thing you should be thinking of is me going out no?

She nod knowingly at that while I just roll my eyes again and while putting my arm around her shoulders we went inside.

Axel: Grandpa says he feel a little bored, and want us all to accompany him for a bit before till he fall asleep, so Iam here to get you.

Tilbe nod eager to go to grandpa when I said that.

Tilbe: I love family time, quick let's go.

With that we went in but just before we step inside Tilbe stop making me look at her a bit confused.

Axel: Hmm?

Tilbe: I brought in the white strawberries taht grandpa like so much yesterday, but grandpa slept the whole day yesterday so I couldn't share. Why don't we eat it now?

I nod in a yes and with that we went towards the kitchen, and went through the fridge. And yes the white strawberries are there in plenty. When I say plenty, I really mean plenty.

Axel: Isn't this a bit too much Tilbe, you won't be able to eat all of it before it get bad.

She just shrug when I said that while passing me the bowl to take the berries.

Tilbe: While plucking them, I pluck a bit too much without even realising Iam doing so.

And she sigh while I do too.

Tilbe has been worrying about grandpa non stop these past few days to no one surprise, and because of it, she has been all out of it. It's like she is not really aware of what she is doing and just do things for the sake of it.

She hardly talk and won't answer back most of the time we ask her almost like she don't listen to whatever we are talking about at all. Her body is with us but not her mind.

And this has worried both me and Uncle Jo a lot and we have tried many times to cheer her up, but it was futile. Mainly because she never and I mean never leave grandpa's side, and seeing him get a bit weaker each day as she sit by his side. That has affected her a lot both mentally and emotionally.

Axel: Okay, lets go. This should be enough.

Tilbe nod looking at the bowl full of berries and both of us went inside grandpa's room.

Grandpa was sitting up with the support of the pillow while Uncle Jo is busy pouring in scorching hot tea in the huge cup kept on the table.

Tilbe: No stop Uncle Jo!

She said it so abruptly that Uncle Jo quickly stop a bit startled and scared and whip his head back quickly.

Uncle Jo(startled): What! What?

Tilbe grin sheepishly at how startled Uncle Jo was.

Tilbe: Let's drink tea next, if not we won't be able to taste the tasty sweetness of the berries I brought properly.

While she said that, I raise the bowl full of white strawberries in my hand while he sigh in relief at what he saw.

Uncle Jo: You scared me there with your abrubtness for a bit.

Grandpa: Oh white strawberries! How long has it been since we eat it, quick little one bring your grandpa some.

Tilbe take the bowl in my hand and with a huge grin on her face went towards grandpa sit besides him while they much on their delicious treat.

While Uncle Jo and me decide to drink the tea silently spectating them eating so joyously.

Tilbe: Grandpa why did you summon Vann, did you share another secret with him that I can't know of?

Grandpa chuckled looking at her suspicious gaze and nodded in a no.

Tilbe: Why do I feel like Grandpa has been keeping a lot of secret from me lately? You have been taking to evryone behind my back, I don't like it.

She shake her head in dissaproval while Grandpa just smile looking at her.

Grandpa: What can grandpa keep as a secret from his precious grand-daughter?

Tilbe: Nothing?

Grandpa nod and lift his hand for a high five which Tilbe do it softly.

Grandpa: Exactly. Now how is work going for you Tilbe?

Axel: Very well grandpa!

Uncle Jo: Very smoothly grandpa!

Both Tilbe and Grandpa look at back at us, while Tilbe just look grandpa look at us amused and confused at the same time.

Grandpa: Tilbe is the one coronated but you guys are the one reporting her works?

Tilbe smile as he said taht while we shake our head and sigh in tiredness.

Tilbe: Well Iam busy being with grandpa, it cannot be help.

She look at us and complain with a shrug.

Axel: Well we didn't even said anything.

She just tch when I said that while we chuckled at her action.

Grandpa: Ahhh.. what a wonderful day it has been. The sim shining so beautiful while the day is so stunning in itself. And to perfect it the chattering of my children playing like a music in my place. I guess I finally can sleep without any worries or boredom.

We look at grandpa and smile as he said that, while I help him in adjusting his pillows as he sleep, while Uncle Jo lay the blankets perfectly for him.

Grandpa: Axel, my boy come sit at my side till I feel asleep, Jo you too.

We nod and we settled in, in such a way that Tilbe is on the right side holding onto grandpa's arm while Iam on the left with grandpa hands in mine, while Uncle Jo seat just beside me in the bed.

Grandpa look at all of us and smile peacefully, his eyes filled with nothing but happiness and a peace I can't seems to understand.

Tilbe: You look etheral right now grandpa.

Grandpa smile when she said that and slowly start to close his eye, he look as peaceful as a small baby falling asleep in the arms of his mother.

We all look at grandpa as he fell asleep peacefully and continue to watch as he sleep.

But somewhere down the line, I feel grandpa's hands in mine are too cold to hold on to.

And I realise, the time has come for us to let our grandpa go, so that he can be with grandma and their children happily once again waiting for us and looking after us.

But despite that, somehow my heart feels too heavy and my eye seems to be aching in fight for the tears to be free for some painfull comfort.