BLAMELESS SORROWS

68. Blessing.

Axel's Point of View.

Just as Vann went out, Grandpa sigh in tired was completely tired out again.

I quickly come out form where I was hiding or more precisely from the next room I was listening from.

I went to grandpa who is closing his eyes by now in tiredness.

Axel: Grandpa, shall we lay down again? Do you want to sleep?

He open his eye as I speak, the Iife in his body all gone yet his eye speak volume. All the crazy experience and all the love and kindness seems to sparkle putting a shame to whatever his body has succumbed to. As despite how tired he is, by looking at his eye, I can still say grandpa is well and happy.

Grandpa: I don't think there is a need to Axel, but can you please come and seat with grandpa for a while.

I nod in yes at that and quickly sat at where Vann sat at before. While grandpa look at me with a small smile and pat my hand lovingly while the smile become a bit more sad each second.

Grandpa: I know it has been hard for you Axel.

I look up at him a bit sulky, of course it has been.

Why would he tell me he will be leaving when he know I can do nothing about him, whether it is to help grandpa or to make any things easier for him.

But I also know, this is not my time to be the one doing the sulking, I only have some times left with grandpa now. And it is my duty that he feel every happiness and to erase every bit of his regret. And I will do my best to do it.

Axel: It is okay grandpa, although it has been hard, no; it has been more than hard. But still then, Iam glad I know.

Cause if I don't, grandpa will be alone in this. No one will know how he feels and he will fade away like that.

Instead of that, I will rather have him said the things he wants to say freely. Even if he is scared or ready or happy about whatever there is to come I hope, he at least have someone to talk to. And of because of that I have to suffer a bit longer, then so be it cause it's worth the pain, it's worth a lot more than the pain.

Grandpa: You have not change at all my boy. You are still the same boy who will take care of everyone and never think of yourself. Be it for Tilbe, or for me or for anyone else, you will always put others first. Sometimes that scared me a lot, but I know that is what made you you.

I just stay silent.

Trying my best to grasp every word grandpa spoke and bury it deep in my heart so that I will never ever forget it, not even by mistake.

Grandpa: And because Iam your grandpa, I know when Iam gone you will not cry. Not because you don't want to, but because you will be too busy taking care of your little gift. I want to advice you to take care of yourself first and that you are the most important person for you, but I know you well, and I know you won't even have time to remember what I say.

Iam not sure how I will react, but grandpa I don't think I will be strong enough to take care of little gift like you talk of. I can hardly take care of myself here.

Grandpa: In my lifetime, the thing I was most proud of was the fact that my grandson who does not rely and does not know how to rely on anyone chose to rely on me and is happy to do so. Iam so very proud and happy because of it.

I look down unable to keep eye contact, the emotion overwhelming me.

Axel: You are my grandpa, my one and only grandpa who love and care for me more than anyone in this world, if I don't lean on you then whom will I lean on to?

Grandpa chuckled as I said that.

Grandpa: It's a relief that at least you know how much you mean to your old grandpa.

I nod as he said that, my eyes still downcast while a heavy silence follow after that.

Grandpa: Since Iam the person who love you the most in this world, you will always have my blessing my boy. So, raise you head little boy and recieve your blessing Axel Vasely Rafa.

I looked up as he said that, completely shocked and even terrified to some point.

I stand up quickly getting a bit away from grandpa.

Axel: How? Why? You can't do thia grandpa, if you do this? What about Tilbe then.

He take my hand softly in his and then let me seat back down to where I was sitting before.

Grandpa: I won't worry about that, cause I know Tilbe have and will have your blessing Axel.

That is true, my blessing are always with Tilbe and no one else.

Axel: But still then....

Grandpa shuss me before I can say anything else.

Grandpa: This are the things I have to choose on my own Axel, and you can't interfere with this.

I sigh to that, I know I can do nothing about it.

Actually the blessing from an elder of your house is something huge. This blessings are recieved once in a lifetime and is given to only one child of the family. The child who is most loved.

And it is believed and known that, person who have recieved such a blessing will always have good luck and live a good life in however way they are blessed.

Grandpa: May you live your life in a fulfilling manner. Try our all the things you haven't, and find your happiness in whatever you sought after. Experience the beauty of the sun, the moon and the stars from everywhere my boy. Live with no worries and happily for a long long time my little one. Let the freedom you grave come to you in abundance.

I bow my head down while he lay his hand in my head as a sign of his blessing .

Grandpa: This are the prayers I have for you in the form of my blessing.

I but my lips trying my best not to cry, no I can't cry. I have been doing everything not to, I have been so good at it at that.

I can't just break down now, that too in front of my grandpa. He will be worried, I can't make him worry more.

While I was there trembling in fright, grandpa slowly get up and wrap his arms around me.

Grandpa: Cry, cry all you want Axel. Shout out all your fear and cry in your grandpa's arm. I told you before right, before you get too busy looking out for others, before Iam gone. Release all your sadness so that you can bear it a little easier later on. Cry for all your sadness my boy.

And I did, his words seem like the spear that spear down my blockade I have so pridefully and guardingly make.

I broke down in complete tears holding on to grandpa for dear life.

In my mind I shouted and requested a thousand times for grandpa not to go, for him to be with me all the time cause I won't be able to live alone. I beg him to help and teach me how to take care of Tilbe for a lot lot longer cause I have many things I lack and I have many things to learn.

In my mind, I ask grandpa to stay cause if he leave then I know I will be all too lonely to be ever okay again. I only have three person in this whole wide world to call my loves one and who loves me. I only have them to call my family.

I only have three people I can live with and they are the only one I can ever love.

And to be okay with such a scary and frightening world is a discipline I learn from grandpa.

And now he have to go, my gaurdian spirit is leaving me, my saviour is going away forever not to come back.

Among my precious three people one have to leave me again, I can't accept that.

My heart seems so frail and delicate at the moment. The rawness in the pain it feels seems so unreal.

I want to ask grandpa to stay with me cause if ever someday I have the courage to go out again, then I know I will need all the help grandpa has to offer for that to come. I will need all of his advices and encouragement for me to take that step.

I want to complain, I want to beg, I want to be angry, I want to demand all these things from grandpa but I stay silent and only the tears comes out.

I stay silent cause I know grandpa.

Grandpa will give up anything for our happiness, he will do anything if it is for us and our well being. He will make sure to make us have evrything we want as long as it is possible to get it. He always help us fulfill all our dreams and ambitions.

He was the one who raise us patiently waiting though all our ages with all the problem it brought. And not even a day, does grandpa complain about it.

His cheeks are always filled with smile as he talk to us, grandpa's hands are always full of goods to offer to us, his words always filled with encouragement and kindness and his heart always full of love to fill ours.

Grandpa is our grandpa who we are blessed to have.

So I know if he can do anything about it, anything at all then he will be the one to try his hardest to stay with us.

But the enemy we are facing today is death and no one can win over it. Neither hated nor true love, whatever we feel we have to gave in to it.

And because I know that and because I don't want grandpa to feel that he have still got things to do. That day I did not speak out even a letter of the things that were on my mind.

Rather all the things I want to express, i show them in my bitter tears as it flow endlessly and painfully.

I cried and cried in grandpa arms but even in that moment the peaceful rythm and the warm touches of his arm patting my back comfort me more than anything. And only because of that warm was I able to get out of the pain I had in my heart.