BLAMELESS SORROWS

20. A prison for myself.

Axel's Point of View.

We sit there bickering back and forth by the common room, Little gift waiting for Galen to pick her up.

Axel: Come on, wear the scarf as well, it's cold outside.

I mean, what is so hard about wearing a scarf. She will be sick again when she is even slightly cold.

Tilbe: Ax, it's summer and Iam even wearing this ridiculously huge Overcoat.

Tch, the coat is not even that thick; It's just a bit long.

Axel: And now wear the scarf as well, your body does not know whether it's winter or not anymore.

And I stood up and take the soft black scarf and wrap it around her neck nicely.

While she huff and hmph in displeasure but fortunately she does not take it off anymore making me sigh in relief.

Axel: Now when is Galen coming again?

When I said that she check her watch and said.

Tilbe: In about five minutes now.

It's about eight at night now making me more and more anxious to let her out.

Axel: I still don't understand why it has to be at night.

She roll her eye at my continuous complain. I mean, Tilbe is weak physically and it's more dangerous at night. There are a long day ahead, why at night I will never understand.

Tilbe: Iam going to Vann's house anyway. What danger could be there, really.

I know that, and I know my worries are a bit over the top. But I can't help it, it's like seeing my little daughter leaving home, making me worried; like literally.

Axel: Okay okay, you promise you will take care right? And always stay warm alright? And try to come home early okay?

She nod her head at my words and sigh in annoyance.

Tilbe: You have said that like a thousand times, it's not like Iam going somewhere far away. And beside Vann have a nice home, it's not chilly or anything like that. I will be fine, and later you will pick me up anyway.

I nod once again still wary about it.

Tilbe: You will pick me up right?

I nod my head chuckling at her suspicions.

Axel: Just ring me up when you are near the gate.

And besides even if I want to go and pick her up, it's not like I can go beyond that.

Axel: Make sure Vann drop you okay?

She nod her head once more. It's not like she has never went out before but this is the first time she is going out at night by herself.

When there is some kind of festival or anything like that, she always went with Grandpa and Uncle Jo which.

Just as I was about to speak again, her phone bing.

I walk her outside, right now we are in the main building of the palace and not where we usually stays, caus eno one is allowed to come there. Nonetheless I walk her towards the door.

Axel: It's surprising that you are going somewhere with Galen.

She look at me stopping her walking, with a cold stare on hee face.

Tilbe: I still hate him.

I look at her and sigh, I should not have said anything.

Axel: Forget about it, stay safe and call me if anything and I mean anything happen alright?

She nod her head, so with a pat on her head I went inside while she went and open the door and went outside.

And shortly after I heard the car zoom away, making me sigh to myself and also went ahead and get to my car to go back home. I don't like staying in this palace with the fear that someone might come.

Within about ten minute I saw the familiar white wall of the place I call home.

With a sigh I park my car and went in towards the house.

I went in and the house feel so empty and cold, the familiar voice of Tilbe running around here and there not there anymore. While Grandpa not being there by the fireplace and Uncle Jo not being there by the kitchen island make me sad for some reason.

I sit down at the couch with a plop and look around the cold, dark empty house blankly.

I guess this are the times when I feel the loneliest. Most of the time the undeniable loneliness is numbed by Tilbe always being around me and Grandpa and Uncle Jo being with us. But when they are not there, this is when I got to know what I truly am and how I truly am living.

It's been Ten years now, since I went out from this palace. Or more appropriately a prison I put myself in.

I sit here all day, going from one room to another seems to be my only work. Wake up, eat, do some work and sleep and then repeat the same thing all over again.

Sometimes I wonder how Iam still surviving, how I have not become insane yet. All this ten years, other than studying and learning books, I have done nothing more. Then after that, I have started to work and just keep on working for all these years. And as exhausting and saddening as that sound, that is what seems to keep me awake and strive me to keep on living.

I haven't met even one new person in this ten years, other than grandpa, uncle Jo and of course Little Gift, I really have interact with none.

Tilbe has try to make me go out from time to time this past few years but every time I try to go out, I shiver in fear and just couldn't step out of this place.

The fear that I will hurt someone is so scary that I will rather suffer through this confinement. The moment that my Tama attack the beast and the scene where it roar in pain in still vividly instilled in my mind.

And the fact that, with just a slip of my emotion, someone can go through that scare me more than anything. The fact that Iam a monster who is a walking danger to anyone who might meet me, keep me confined all these years with no way of any kind of escape.

But although going out seems impossible and so so scary but I cannot say that it never cross my mind.

As a teenager, I wish and wish and prayed with all hope that I may also be allowed to be out, playing and goofing around carefreely like a normal kid.

A year pass like a drem, or rather a nightmare. And I thought to myself, that the next year will be better but it just prove to be worse and more tiring.

But then every new year, I said to myself I will have gotten used to always being alone and will have been good to it by now, but it just become more and more tedious and tiring.

I get a bit sadder each day, my life becoming a bit duller each year. And like that a whole ten years past.

I heard no new voice, I know not what people are doing or how they interact.

I don't know what having friends is like, what dating is like, I can't relate when I heard Tilbe talk about how happy she is when she is with Vann, I can't understand when I read that the characters feel butterflies in their stomach and love in their heart.

I skip everything in life. Sometime I foolishly think it will be great to travel around the world, to go to every nook and corner of it and explore through every culture and interact with everyone with a smile on my face. I think of the bustling street and feel happy just thinking of all the noise of the people murmuring and laughing among themselves.

But when I open my eye, I can see myself in the cold empty place I called my home.

I seem to live on with no purpose in life and no meaning to it.

I wonder if I really need to be alive if I have to live this way, isn't it better just to die and finally free myself from this web of a prison.

This way I can finally free myself from this live where I feel dead on the inside, dull and colourless with no meaning to it.

Dying seems sweet at a moment like this. Should I just end this hell of a life here? It's not like anything good will happen just cause Iam alive anyway.

It's not like Iam going to miss out in anything when I die anyway, it will all be the same.

The knife shinning in its holder by the kitchen island look tempting enough weirdly. The pain seems to be calling out to me. I'll rather fell the pain rather than being all alone here with no purpose and not even knowing what to feel as I do nothing in life.

This melancholy seems to be swallowing me alive.

My mind keeps on being disturb, fuzzy with no clear way out. It just become darker and darker but I seems to love the dark.

But just then Iam pulled out if my own monster of a mind by my phone ringing loudly making me a bit surprised.

When I look at my phone, it was Tilbe. I worriedly pick it up quickly. Why is she calling me just as she went out, is something wrong?

Axel(anxious): Hello little gift, is everything okay, why are you calling?

I heard a sigh of relief on the other side of the phone and heard her soft voice.

Tilbe: I don't know what happen, I just fell like calling you suddenly. Is everything fine, I have a weird funny feeling that something is wrong. Everything is okay right?

I chuckle as I heard that, can she read minds too now? That too even from far away?

Axel: Everything is fine now.

Tilbe: What was wrong before that it alright now.

I shake my head in a no, even though she can't see me.

Axel: Nothing is wrong, everything is fine.

She make a small noise of suspicion but then gave in.

Tilbe: You are sure right, if not shall I just come back. I don't feel right!

I smile at the warm feeling that comes up in my heart with every words of hers.

Axel: It's fine, have a tonnes of fun and come back later, I'll be waiting for you.

Tilbe: Okay then, if you say so. You are going to pick me up right?

I chuckle at her words, why does she keep on thinking that I will not pick today?

Axel: I will, I promise now go.

Tilbe(chirpy) : Okay, I will be back shorty, bye for now.

Axel: Bye!

And with that I hand up, but now my heart all settle down and the dark thought all gone.

I have a purpose and that is to keep all the promises I have made to Tilbe.

May that be the smallest of the thing like picking her up when she need me to or the biggest thing like I must be the first person to wish her happy birthday in every birthday of hers or it may be the deepest and that is to make sure Iam always happy and went to her if anything went wrong.

I have to live inorder to keep up all this promises. I need to live inorder to protect her. I need to live inorder to make sure she is eating well, sleeping well and not getting suck everywhere. I need to make sure all her works are done so taht she won't unnecessary stress about everything.

And last of all I need to make sure she is happy and does not feel any guilt or hatred towards anyone because if me like she seems to do sometimes.

And all this reasons is enough for me to live on. Cause no matter how much this place seems like a prison, it still is a home I made with Little gift. And although it is cold, Tilbe make sure it is warm and homely with every action of hers. May it be Little gift or Uncle Jo or grandpa, I need to live for them so that it will be worth their action of always being with me and supporting me in anything making all the sacrifices they make.

Iam happy enough that, at least Iam imprisoned in my home with the people I love and who love me dearly as my inmates.