BLAMELESS SORROWS

1. A gain for a lose.

Axel's Point of View.

As I stand by the grave looking at everyone leaving one by one, my heart feels so empty.

I feel numb somehow, all the happiness, pain and the sadness seems to have been buried along with my parents.

I seem to realise now, that now I no longer have a warm place called home, I no longer have a loved one called my family and I no longer have my mom and my dad.

I realise at this moment, that I have become an orphan now, all alone in this huge scary world.

A tear drop down as it hit me at the moment that when I went back from here my mom won't be there anymore to frantically ask if Iam alright and embrace me, I won't have dad looking at me worriedly from behind my mom.

There won't be any warm food spread out on the dinner table tonight, there won't be my mom prayers with me anymore as I slept away. There won't even be any sound in that house anymore. And I know then that, that eary silence I have to face as I go back is what I fear the most in the world.

At that moment I didn't wish for a companion, I didn't wish for my parent to be alive again, I didn't wish for courage or strength to go through this, rather I wish and pray that I would fall down right here by my parent's grave to never wake up again. I want to die, is the only voice in my head that can comfort me. It really is scary.

Mom, dad; Iam so sorry but I don't seem to have it in me to even wish you to rest in peace, I hate the idea that you guys have gone away together happily while I stay here alone in this darkness. Was it really such a hassle to bring me along?

I promise I will be a good boy and will listen to anything you say.

So please can you not take me with you?

Silence is the only thing that came back to my question. Tears then follow again, my heart feels so numb even the soft breeze seems to suffocate me.

I really don't want to go back home. I really don't have the courage to go back and face the silence of my once cheerful home, Iam scared I will really crumble into pieces if I face that now.

But no matter how hopefully and willingly I look around to find anyone, there is no one around. Not even a stranger let alone my relative.

My mother is an only child and my maternal grandparents had passed away before I was even born so naturally I have no one from my mother side.

While my father have a younger sister, but sadly enough even my aunt have passed away when she was very young and even my grandparent, so even on my dad side, I have no one.

So it means I really have no one, Iam the only one alive from our family. It seems to me as if it's a cruel joke but sadly it's not. This is my reality now.

So I give up on eagerly looking around for anyone and forced my head back to face the grave once again. I just keep on staring at what's written on the gravestone, not willing to do anything else or rather not able to do anything else.

I stare at it for a long long time not even able to spell out my parent's name. I keep on doing so, untill I felt a light tuck on the sleeve of my black coat.

I turn back to see a little girl who look about ten years old looking up at me with big bright black eye and her deep red hair flying everywhere with the breeze. Her black outfit make her look more mature than her young self and make her milky white skin pop out more.

The girl: Iam sorry for being late, but Iam still not that good at dressing myself yet, so that got me a bit late.

I look at her confused, do I know her?

Axel: Iam sorry but do I know you?

The girl: Oh! Sorry about that. Hello Iam Tilbe, Tilbe Vasely.

I look at her still confused, I don't remember anyone named Tilbe or any family of Vasely.

Tilbe: You still don't know me do you? Don't be sorry, cause I also didn't know about you until this morning.

Axel: Okay? May I help you with anything?

Hah! This is funny, I ask as if Iam in a condition to help anyone. But then again, her delicate feature and the loneliness I see in her eye make it seems like Iam much much stronger than her, even when Iam in such a condition.

Tilbe: I have a lot of money!

What? Am I hearing it wrong?

Axel: Come again!

Tilbe: I have a lot of money, and that Iam very rich.

Okay, now Iam sure Iam not hearing this wrong. So is she bragging about her wealth right now, to someone with tear stained faced and standing in front of his parent's grave?

Is she seriously doing this right now?

Or is it because she is just a child that she dont know what she is talking about? And where she is talking?

Tilbe: I can see by your expression that I have made a mistake by starting with that.

Axel: At least you know. Anyway how old are you anyway? And what are you doing here in the cemetery?

Tilbe: Oh! I was supposed to say this first. My grandpa send me here to take you. And Iam ten.

Axel: Grandpa? Do I know your grandpa?

Tilbe: Iam not sure but grandpa is sick right now so he cannot walk around freely, so he let me come here to get you. Oh and he said he is also a Rafa.

By Rafa he means he is my relative, cause my surname is Rafa. But does this mean I still have a relative that is alive?

Axel: Where is he?

Tilbe: Back home, in Iklu.

What? Thats about eight hour drive from here.

Axel: Are you telling me that your grandpa send an ten year old kid alone this far, to get a thirteen year old?

Tilbe: Wahh you look so much older than thirteen. Not the point, anyway I may look young but my feel is all old I tell you.

Axel: Feel? What feel? And yes you too look a lot lot younger.

And Iam not lying when she can easily pass for even seven.

Tilbe: Iam quite mature and capable but beyond that I do came with someone.

Thats a relief, at least she is with someone. But wait..

Axel: It is not another kid, is it?

I look at her suspiciously, while she huff at my doubtful look.

Tilbe: No it is not, and yes it is a he. He is waiting for us outside.

Well I guess it is not weird at all that the adult wait while they send the little person to talk in such serious matter.

Axel: Okay??

She nod her head when I said that.

Tilbe: Anyways, it's getting late now. Do you want to go now?

I shake my head in denial.

At least today, I should be where my parents are.

Axel: I want to rest for tonight, but maybe tomorrow I will go see your grandpa.

She look at me with a cute sad eye for a while and then in just a minute it widened.

Tilbe: Then where do I stay for tonight?

And she point to herself and look at me like Iam suppose to know all the answer.

Axel: Why are you asking me that?

Tilbe: Then who else will I be asking, I only know you.

Axel: Do you really know me though?

Tilbe: Do I not?

And she look at me with her big eye making me give in to her.

Axel: Okay, just come with me.

It's not like anyone else is there in my house anyway.

But nonetheless she give me a bright smile as I said that.

Tilbe: I will wait for you in the car, come out when you wish to.

And she quickly rush over to the grave and place the single white lily she have in her hand. And with another small smile went away.

I guess she really is more mature than her age like she said.

I turn back to the grave and kneeled down beside the grave.

Axel: Mom, dad please look over me from wherever you are. Iam too afraid to start from where Iam, so please help me. Please still worry for me and always remember me in your prayer. Iam sorry that I could not wish for you to rest in peace. I love you mom, I love you dad. Iam going home now, I will visit again as soon as I can. Bye for now.

With that I wipe my tears once again and went out. True to her word, Tilbe is there just outside the cemetery waiting for me while leaning against a black car.

As soon as she saw me, she rush towards me.

Tilbe: Shall we go home now?

Home? Do I really have a place called home now?

Nonetheless I nod my head at her in agreement.

Seeing that she quickly grab my hand and lead me towards the car. We get in and there was someone else who was sitting in the driver seat.

Tilbe: Axel meet Uncle Jo, and Uncle Jo meet Axel.

Axel: Hello.

Jo: Hello little Rafa.

Well Iam little Rafa now.

Tilbe: Don't mind him, it's his habit to call people that way. He also call me, tiny Vasely.

Tiny Vasely, why does that make too much sense. I mean she is really tiny.

Tilbe: Uncle Jo can we go now?

Jo: On it.

And like that we went back with me giving the directions.

As we reach home I shown Tilbe and Uncle Jo their room and me I went to mine to change, which is after giving them cloths to change to.

After I wash up and change I went out towards the kitchen which had living room combined to it, only to see Uncle Jo cooking passionately with apron and everything.

This situation make me feel like the guest somehow, even though Iam in my home.

Jo: Oh! Hello there little Rafa, I hope you don't mind me using your food and kitchen.

Axel: It's okay, I don't mind ahh..

Jo: Please call me uncle Jo like Tilbe do.

Axel: Okay uncle Jo.

Jo: Iam making chicken dish, Iam hoping you will like it.

Axel: Everything is fine with me.

I don't have any appetite to begin with anyway. Just than we hear pit-a-pat of someone running towards us.

Tilbe: Uncle Jo, can you please help me with thi..... Oh no! You are cooking.

She pout as she saw he can't help her, looking so disheveled with my oversized shirt hanging down one side of her shoulder due to the size difference and her black hair wet and in frenzy.

She stand still holding up the hair drier. I guess she wanted help with drying her hair.

Axel: Here let me.

As I said that she smile at me brightly and follow me towards my room.

I take the hair drier from her hand and plugged it in. While she sat down besides me waiting for me to dry her hair. I adjust the temperature and slowly start to dry her hair.

While her she keep on looking at the mirror kept before her.

Tilbe: Is it only to me or do we really look alike?

And she intently stare at our image in the mirror. And her words are true, she have the same black eye as me, and our deep red hair is also the same shade. From the shape of our face to the thin red lips of our, we do really look similar.

Axel: I guess we do look alike.

Tilbe: Its such a relief.

I look at her confused, through the mirror.

Axel: What is?

Tilbe: That I look similar to such a handsome brother.

I chuckled at that while she smile at me brightly, looking so innocent and childish.

Axel: There it's done.

Tilbe: Thank you.

And with that we went down for dinner.

And like that we had our dinner quietly, with only Tilbe babbling away with uncle Jo making her eat more and more while she whine about it.

That reminds me, she indeed is still a little kid. Oh by the way, Uncle Jo did force me to eat more too, just an FYI.

Anyway after that we went to our respective rooms to rest, all tired from the long day with a promise from Uncle Jo to explain everything in the morning.

But as I sit quietly by my room, the gloom I felt before come rushing back as dark as ever. As I sit by my bed, I realise tonight there won't be mom coming in to check whether Iam asleep or not, whether I have a nightmare or not. There will be no one to tuck me in anymore.

It is really sad!

I already miss mom and dad, when it hasn't even been a day since they left.

I wonder if Iam going to cry, but I swear Iam already too tired to cry. But no matter how much I try not the cry, the sting in my eye says otherwise. I feel so lonely, it feel like I'm walking right into the darkness I so badly hate.

Just at that moment I heard a small knock by my door. So I quickly swallowed back my tear and get up to open the door. As I did, there stood Tilbe fully covered in the bunched up blanket and a pillow caught in her mouth.

Axel: What is it?

I take the pillow in her mouth expecting a valid excuse for chewing it.

Tilbe: Can I come in?

I nod and let her in, while she goes to my bed and settle in comfortably. And the little lady even had the audacity to pat the seat next to her calling me in.

I get a deja vu of being like a guest in my own home again.

Nonetheless I did follow her words and went and sit besides her.

Axel: What are you doing?

Tilbe: I remember the day my parent passed, I really really really hope for anyone to come sit besides me and tell me that everything will be okay. And that they are there for me, I want someone so bad that I even wish a ghost will accompany me.

She look up at me with a sad smile as she said that. While I just stare at her.

Tilbe: I know what that helplessness feels like the best, so I was hoping at least I will be there to accompany you till you fall asleep.

Axel: Thank you.

And I really did mean it, like she said even the company of a ghost seems lovely right now.

But then to recieve such a comfort from someone so small and young, yet have gone through everything I have was like meeting your closest self. It is endearing.

She smile at me and wrap her small arms around me.

Tilbe: You will be okay, everything will be fine.

Tears spring up my eyes once more and then the familiar sting. But this time in the huge darkness I see a ray of light, so bright and so comforting.

I quickly wipe my tear while hugging her at the same time.

Axel: Thank you.

Thank you so much, I never knew a ten year old can give me such comfort, and at that a child who I met just today; a stranger. But nevertheless thank you so much for being here today, for being so understanding.

Tilbe: And moreover I have a lot of money.

This again?

Axel: Okay I got to ask, why do you keep on telling me you are rich right from before.

Tilbe: Come and live with me with grandpa and Uncle Jo. I will be your big sister and look after you okay?

Axel: But Iam older then you.

Tilbe: Then I will be your beloved little sister, so look after me okay?

I look at her baffled, how can she change stance this quickly.

Tilbe: In Iklu my parents were one of the richest so Iam left with so many money. I will give you half of it so come live with me.

Axel: Why are you giving me your money?

Tilbe: Because I also want a family. Don't you?

Tilbe: Come with me okay, I will give you half of everything that I have. And when we get older, much much older, if you have made more money and become more capable than me then take it, my seat take it.

Axel: Seat?

Tilbe: The big empire my parents left for me, become the master. But don't forget you have to be my brother.

Axel: What is this, are you buying me?

Tilbe: Huh?But Iam not. I hear from Vann that he have to share everything of his with his sister, and one time his sister want a doll he have so much, so he gave it to her. He said that what's siblings do, share stuff.

Tilbe: But I only have what my parents left me to share with you. So, Iam giving you half of everything I own. And if you like my home or the empire so much like Vann sister like his doll, then like Vann did I will give my things to you too.

Hah, in the end a child is always a child no matter how mature they are.

And Iam one too.

Axel: Okay, let's be family. Let me be your brother from today, and I will protect and look after you like you have wished.

As if an angel is looking after me, I met a family the day I lost mine. If I didn't met her, how will I have grown up I don't want to imagine. Cause her family left her an empire while mine left me nothing but secrets that can devour me whole.

Just as that image comes in mind, I woke up.

Ah! I must be dreaming of it again.