Starter Kit

Today is the start of all things new. Today I am not going to shy away from my dreams. Today I take the leap. One more time, Neve, say it one more time. This time with meaning. Today is the start of all things new. Today I am not going to shy away from my dreams. Today I take the leap. Lying in my bed, starting at the spot of mould on my ceiling, I started debating the possible excuses I can use for missing school today. I am trying desperately to hold onto the words I have just repeated to myself. Willing them to sink in and form part of who I am. Demanding it to course through my veins and be the fire that fuels me today. I dont think anyone will notice if I miss today. Sure it's the first day back after a four-day weekend and I should be well rested, but all the weekend did was make me feel like there just isn't any point or rush. And my back is killing me. Today is the start of all things new. Today I am not going to shy away from my dreams. Today I take the leap. Come on Neve. Mind over matter. Just keep pushing forward. I probably need a new bed. But there is no chance of that happening. I have had this bed for just over ten years. Lugging it from my childhood home to college was never optional and I am grateful I did.  Flinging the covers off of me in one quick motion, I attempt to push myself out of bed. But my body rejects my mind's ideas, it just doesn't want to. I know that I have to, but... But nothing actually.  The alarm squeals from the far end of the room. A weak attempt by me to get myself out of bed in the fleeting moment of self-motivation that had consumed me last night. Even if it was only briefly, I tried to make productive choices, aiming at making today a day for new things. Today is the start of all things new. Today I am not going to shy away from my dreams. Today I take the leap. Today is the start of all things new. Today I am not going to shy away from my dreams. Today I take the leap. Do you think if I spend enough time focusing on anything and everything else besides the alarm, it will eventually just switch off? Swinging my legs out of bed, I move to the bathroom and robotically start brushing my teeth. Focus all your attention on moving the toothbrush in the tiniest circles as you move the toothbrush across your teeth, Neve.  Now make your way back to the bedroom and grab some pants from the cupboard, Neve. This will do. It feels cold outside. A jacket is needed. Socks. Boots on, Neve. Inadvertently, I glance at the mirror and disregard any thoughts about my appearance. That was not a good idea. The energy needed to disregard the image starting back at me and to ferociously tear it apart is exhausting, but I manage. Walk over to your bag, Neve. Grab it. Grab your keys. Now go. Walk. Just keep walking. Do other people need to work this hard to get themselves to where they need to be? Today is the start of all things new. Today I am not going to shy away from my dreams. Today I take the leap. I do this often when the day ahead of me seems too much to bear, which has been more often than not. I break it down into the smallest tasks and speak to my body as though I am not connected to it. Disconnecting from the part that is just too overwhelming makes it feel more manageable somehow. The problem with this is that I have been doing it for so long and so often that I am not sure what parts of me I am still familiar with. My first class is a fifteen minute walk from my room. It is easy to focus on mundane tasks like walking. So I place one foot in front of the other. And somewhere in the middle of taking it literally one step at a time, the rest of me catches up. "s**t!" I cursed under my breath as I realised I had forgotten my assignment on my desk. Realising I now need to run in order to make it back to my room and back again before class starts. Or perhaps finally just give in and skip the class. I could just go to class and speak to the lecturer and ask if I could submit my assignment after class. I am free after this lecture so I do have time. But that would involve having to speak to the lecturer and I would need a solid month to prepare for that. So a sprint it would be. The upside of that is that it would definitely help distract me even more. Something else I have discovered to be very helpful and useful is running. The problem with that is that I would actually have to find the energy to get out of my room first. But on the very rare occasions that I did, I found running to really help clear my mind. This would be very useful if it was easier to make my way through the fog to get to the point where I could actually start running. The hardest thing was always getting started. While running, I feel my messy bun bopping up and down on my head and realised I hadn't brushed my hair. This is not a novel concept for me, its just that I usually at least attempt to tame it with my fingers. I try and do this while running, but the knotty trusses won't be subdued by me and I easily give up. Allowing the birds nest atop my head to just be.  Taking my usual seat at the back of the class, I pull out my notebook and passed my assignment to the front as instructed by the lecturer. With the help of my quick feet, and the lecturer being late, I am right on time. This class is fairly balanced, so I don't stand out as the token brown girl. Its easier to blend. This is the only class I take for me. My self-care if you will. Its pretty cliche. This is English Literature. My guilty pleasure. The rest of the day will be filled with the things I have to do. Maintaining my A average in my commerce studies doesn't require much effort on my part. This isn't vanity, it's just the part that comes easily. Requires zero drive. The main reason for my career choice. I learnt a long time ago that life had many difficulties you would have no choice but to navigate and endure. So, where possible, make things easier for yourself where you can. I have spent a large portion of my life thus far doing what is expected of me. So it makes sense that I often find myself lacking any desire to do most of anything all the time. "I am returning your last assignment today. I would appreciate it if everyone paid particular interest to the notes I made as it will be instrumental in assisting you in our next assignment." The smile that creeps onto my face is faint but very telling. I really enjoy this class and Doctor Callen is without a doubt one of my favourite human beings. Her podgy stature and tender features make her seem like the least offensive person in the world. Her knowledge of literature and eagerness to discuss all things fictional at length magnify what I can only assume to be an interesting personality. This class consists of multiple assignments set throughout the year. Each assignment is preluded by several lengthy and lively class discussions on the reading material. Listening to the various arguments raised by the other students always intrigues me. I never willingly share my opinions with the class. After my first assignment was assessed by Dr. Callen she calls on me to enquire about my opinion and her notes on my assignment always mention something along the lines of... I wish you would have brought this up during the live discussion, it would have lead to some interesting debates. But I never do. I tend to save my opinions for my assignments not because the quantity is limited, but because I am always just so eager to hear what the others have to say. I already know what I am thinking and I will have the opportunity to share my thoughts with Dr Callen through my assignment, but I won't have the opportunity to hear the opinions of my classmates again. Well, this is partly true. I would never possess the confidence required to voluntarily share my thoughts aloud, again. But I cannot dwell on that, the hole is too deep and I definitely don't have the time right now. Ms Rose, I do wish you would participate in the class discussions more. Your classmates are really missing out on some really intriguing insights. In the hope that you will share your talents, this next assignment is just for you. My eyes read over her notes on my previous assignment again and again. What could she mean? My stomach flips as I watch her put up the guidelines for the next assignment on the whiteboard as she notifies us that she has just emailed it to us along with our group allocations. Group work? No!