LA: Loyalty or Annihilation

Chapter 8

Shawn's POV

My neck hurts.

That's the first thing I notice.

Then my back.

Then my f*****g ass.

I groan and slowly open my eyes.

For about five seconds, I have absolutely no idea where the hell I am.

The floor?

Why am I sleeping on the—

Then I see the front door directly beside me.

Memory hits.

Kristal.

Her suitcases.

Her tears.

I loved you.

Past tense.

The door slamming in my face.

My heart shatters all over again.

"Fuck."

I drop my head back against the wall.

Everything hurts.

My undershirt is twisted hazardly, my long black hair has practically exploded everywhere with the braid I had it in yesterday almost completely unraveled, leaving strands across my face, shoulders, and the floor.

I swipe the back of my hand across my mouth.

Drool.

Wonderful.

I probably look f*****g homeless.

My eyes feel like somebody poured sand into them.

Bloodshot.

Swollen.

Heavy.

I don't remember falling asleep.

I remember sliding down this door.

Crying.

Then...

Nothing.

I look around.

The apartment is silent.

Too silent.

"Kristal?"

The name leaves my mouth before common sense can stop it.

Nothing answers.

Of course not.

She's gone.

I push myself to my feet slowly.

My legs nearly give out.

"Shit."

I steady myself against the wall.

Then I really look at the apartment.

Something is different.

Not dramatically.

The couch is still there.

The television.

The dining table.

Pictures on the wall.

Furniture.

But Kristal is missing.

Not just physically.

Her things.

The purse she always hung near the door?

Gone.

Her favorite jacket?

Gone.

Her work shoes?

Gone.

The little basket where she kept random lip glosses, gum, receipts, and whatever else she'd dump from her purse?

Empty.

I walk farther into the apartment.

Her coffee cup from yesterday is still sitting on the table.

I stare at it.

Then the engagement ring beside it.

My chest squeezes.

I pick it up.

The diamond catches the morning sunlight.

I remember choosing this ring.

Standing inside that jewelry store for damn near two hours because nothing looked good enough.

Then I saw this one.

Immediately thought of Kristal.

I close my fist around it.

"Goddamn it."

I keep walking.

Bedroom.

The closet looks wrong.

Her side is almost empty.

Not completely.

A few dresses remain.

A pair of shoes.

Some old sweaters.

Things she either couldn't fit...

Or didn't want.

I touch one of the dresses.

We went to dinner in this.

Our third anniversary in California.

She wore her hair down.

Couldn't keep my hands off her all night.

Now she left the dress behind.

If Kristal left anything in this apartment, it probably means the memory attached to it is something she wishes she could erase.

Including me.

My eyes burn.

"No."

I'm not crying again.

At least that's what I tell myself.

I check the clock.

Shit.

I should be showering, getting dressed, going through emails, preparing for meetings and being the Shawn Montgomery, respected attorney.

I couldn't care less.

The firm can burn down today.

I'll call my secretary and my boss.

Eventually.

When I'm ready.

Right now, I need—

My phone.

Where the hell is my phone?

I remember dropping it somewhere near the door. I walk back into the living room.

Nothing.

I check beneath the console table.

No.

Under the chair.

No.

"C'mon."

I get down on one knee and look under the couch.

There.

It must've slid halfway underneath when I dropped it yesterday.

I reach beneath and grab it.

Dead.

Of course.

No.

Wait.

I turned it off.

Right.

Jade kept calling.

I press the power button.

The screen lights up.

The second service reconnects—

DING.

DING. DING. DING.

Jesus.

Missed calls, texts, voicemails, emails and notifications start flooding the screen so quickly I can barely read them.

Jade, my secretary, my boss, Jade, Jade and More Jade.

Then—

The phone rings.

I answer immediately without even checking the caller ID.

"Kristal?"

My heart jumps into my throat.

"Kristal? Are you okay?"

Silence.

My grip tightens around the phone.

"Baby?"

More silence.

Then a woman's voice finally comes through.

Cold.

Hurt.

"I have been calling you trying to reach you, but when you finally answer, you're asking about another woman?"

I freeze.

Fuck.

Slowly, I pull the phone away from my ear.

JADE ❤️

My wife.

Shit.

I bring it back.

"Jade."

"I guess I know now why you've been ignoring me."

"It's not—"

"What exactly am I supposed to think, Shawn?"

Her voice isn't loud.

That's worse.

"You disappeared. You ignored every call. You read my message and never responded. Then, after I spend God knows how long wondering whether you're okay, you finally answer your phone asking for Kristal."

I close my eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"Because I'm having a hard time believing that right now."

I drag a hand over my face.

"Jade, you told me not to call you."

Silence.

"You said not to call you or come by until I made a choice."

"I know what I said."

"You also told me to find out what happened with the butt dial."

Another silence.

"So that's what I did."

My gaze travels around the apartment.

The empty spaces.

Kristal's abandoned coffee cup.

The ring still clenched in my hand.

"I've been dealing with that."

"What happened?"

I don't answer.

"Shawn?"

I release a breath.

"It didn't help any that you kept calling me while I was trying to talk to her."

"I was worried."

"I know."

"Then why didn't you answer?"

"Because every time your name came across my phone, Kristal had another reminder that everything I was telling her was real."

Jade goes quiet.

I lean against the wall.

"I wasn't trying to punish you."

"Sure felt like it."

"I wasn't."

I look toward the front door.

"I'm sorry."

Her breathing changes.

"Did she hear us?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

That same f*****g oh from the car yesterday.

Only now it sounds different.

Guilty.

"She found out I'm married."

"I assumed she would."

"She searched me."

"Smart woman."

Despite everything, I almost smile.

Almost.

"Yeah."

Then Jade asks the question I've been avoiding even asking myself.

"What did she say?"

I look down at the ring.

"She ended it."

Silence.

Complete silence.

"What?"

"She left."

"Shawn..."

"She packed her s**t and left."

My voice breaks.

I hate it.

I clear my throat.

"Wouldn't let me drive her. Wouldn't tell me where she was going."

"Oh my God."

"I tried to stop her."

Not physically.

Not really.

Just words.

Begging.

Pathetic f*****g begging.

"She said there wasn't anything to choose."

Jade is silent again.

"She said she wasn't competing with my wife."

I rub my thumb over the diamond.

"And then she gave me back the ring."

"Shawn."

"I woke up on the f*****g floor this morning, Jade."

The words come out harsher than I intend.

"I'm sitting in an apartment that doesn't even look like my home anymore because everything that made it feel like one walked out the door yesterday."

The second I say it, I regret it.

Silence.

Long.

Heavy.

Then Jade speaks.

"Everything?"

Fuck.

"That's not what I meant."

"You said everything that made it feel like home walked out."

"Jade—"

"No."

Her voice trembles now.

"Do you even hear yourself?"

I close my eyes.

"I just lost someone I love."

"And I'm supposed to what? Comfort you because your fiancée left after learning about your wife?"

"I didn't ask you to."

"No. But you're talking to me like I'm the reason you're hurting."

"You're not."

"Really?"

"Jade."

"I told you to choose because I couldn't keep living like this!"

"I know!"

My voice echoes through the apartment.

Both of us go silent.

I lower my tone.

"I know."

I sink onto the couch.

"I'm not blaming you."

"Then what are you saying?"

I stare at the floor.

"I don't f*****g know."

And that's probably the most truthful thing I've said in years.

"I don't know what I'm doing."

My voice cracks.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

Jade exhales softly.

"What about us?"

There it is.

The question I knew was coming.

The question she deserves answered.

I look toward the front door again.

Then at the ring.

"Jade..."

Her breathing catches.

"Don't."

"I need time."

A humorless laugh comes through the phone.

"Time."

"I know how that sounds."

"You've had months."

"I know."

"And yesterday I told you I was done waiting."

"I know."

"So what exactly do you need time for now, Shawn?"

I don't answer immediately.

Because Kristal is gone.

That should make this easier.

Shouldn't it?

One woman removed herself.

Problem solved.

Go home to my wife.

Fix my marriage.

Start the family Jade wants.

That's what Kristal told me to do.

Go home to your wife.

So why does the thought feel like I'm using Jade as the consolation prize?

And she deserves better than that.

"I can't come to you like this."

Jade goes quiet.

"I'm angry."

I stare at the ceiling.

"Confused. Hurt. Guilty."

"Heartbroken over her."

I close my eyes.

"Yes."

The word hurts both of us.

I know it does.

But I'm done lying.

"Yes."

Her voice becomes small.

"Then maybe I already have my answer."

"No."

"Do I not?"

"This isn't about choosing Kristal."

"You're devastated she left."

"Of course I am!"

"And I'm your wife!"

"I know!"

"Then why am I the woman you're asking to wait?"

I have no answer.

Again.

God, I'm getting f*****g tired of having no answers.

Finally, I whisper,

"Because if I come home to you today while I'm still wishing she hadn't left..."

I swallow.

"...then I'll hurt you all over again."

Silence.

Jade doesn't speak for several seconds.

When she finally does, the anger in her voice has faded.

What's left is worse.

Sadness.

"At least that's honest."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I."

Then she disconnects.

I stare at the phone.

No goodbye.

No I love you.

Nothing.

I slowly lower it.

Look around the apartment again.

Yesterday I had two women who loved me.

Today?

I'm sitting alone wondering if I've managed to lose them both.

And for once...

I can't blame anyone but myself.