Guarded Hearts

  CAMI Today is the second anniversary of my divorce from Desi. Although it was the hardest time of my life, I am better because of it. After feeling sorry for myself for the first 3 1/2 months after, I collected myself and took the money from my half of the equity from our family house and bought a 2-bedroom condo close to the city. And since I receive a healthy alimony check, (which I deserve, thank you very much) I decided to travel and have spent the last 7 months between Italy, Africa and Greece. Spending that time with myself was so cathartic.  I learned what I liked and didn't like.  I learned to be happy with me.  After being married for 21 years and having your husband and children's lives be the center of your life, I forgot who I was. I learned new cultures and new languages.  I was scared at first but, I jumped, and I don't regret a moment of it!  Being back in the States, I need to find work in my field.  Before Desi and I got married, I worked in Marketing and I LOVED it!  As I was making my way up the corporate ladder, I found out I was pregnant with our first child.  I continued working until I was 6 months pregnant. For whatever reason I began having challenges with my pregnancy and Desi felt like the stress of my job would cause us to lose the baby so, I went on leave.  I delivered our first child, Desmond, Jr. after a touch and go labor.  I was finally ready to go back to work when DJ was 6 months old, but Desi pleaded for me to stay home with our son.  He made more than enough to support us, so I conceded. I actually enjoyed watching our little fireball grow up and he kept me plenty busy.  Within 18 months I was pregnant with Arielle and due to the concerns with the first pregnancy, work was the farthest thing from my mind. I fell into the stay-at-home-wife and mommy role.  I supported my husband in his business becoming the best party planner and dinner hostess. When the children were in middle school I wanted to go back to work but he refused to hear me out.  He made me feel guilty for wanting to work outside the home after all this time.  He accused me of not being satisfied with what he provided for me and our children. I tried to make him understand that it had nothing to do with not being satisfied with his provision and had more to do with wanting to have something for me and self-accomplishment. From that point on, I didn't bring it up again. I began planning for when the children went to college I would jump back into my career.  I decided to do some freelance contract work here and there and didn't tell Desi about it.  Well once he found out about it, he went ballistic.  I believe that was the beginning of the end of our marriage.  I should have seen the red flags when we were dating when he would make references to wanting his wife to be home with the kids and ultimately catering to his needs. And when I would get promoted or my work would be featured, his support was lackluster at best.  I felt like there was this underlying competition between us to some degree. I never understood why as I would always be the loudest and proudest whenever he got promoted or recognized at the firm.  He became emotionally distant soon after that. I would try to cater to his needs more by showing up to take him to lunch, but he would blow me off. I tried to be available and ready for s*x at his beck and call. There were times when he would do it with no emotion whatsoever or just not want to at all. I found out he was cheating when I showed up to his office for lunch one afternoon.  His personal assistant was away from her desk so let myself into his office. It was quiet and I understood why when I saw her sitting on his lap with her tongue down his throat!  He was cheating on me with an up and coming junior partner, Allyse Givens. I was beyond shocked! This woman had been a guest at our home when we hosted Christmas parties and large dinner gatherings. I guess he had no problem with her climbing the corporate ladder as long as she was climbing him as well!  I was devastated to say the least.  After all that I had sacrificed emotionally and pouring everything I was into him and our family, he chose the very woman he tried so hard for me to not be. At first, I was literally broken inside and then I became raging mad.  I told the kids who were both away at college by that time, that me and their father were getting a divorce.  Desi was appalled that I would want to leave our marriage!  Did he really think that I was going to stay while he serviced his side piece during the day and then come home to me at night and every other weekend?!  He was arrogant enough to believe that I would. He had an entire relationship!  And because I initiated the divorce he tried desperately to leave me penniless so that I would stay.  Well, it backfired because his little homewrecker became "pregnant" with his child and their affair became public. I could have ruined him financially, but I only wanted what was due me for my 21 years of service to his cheating ass! I am sure he has suffered greatly because she was in fact, not pregnant and using him to get where she wanted in her career and the scandal damn near cost him his job! Of course, after everything came out in the open, he wanted to salvage our marriage.  Typical. I almost went back to him, but my lawyer found out that he had been cheating on me throughout our marriage with various women. That was as much as I could take and I would be a damned fool to go back to him.  I was ashamed that I didn’t pay attention to all the signs.  I was so busy being ‘Suzy Homemaker’, I didn’t see his chronic neglect.  I always made excuses because of his dedication to work. Twenty-one years is a long time to be connected to someone and it took some time to get him out of my system. My friends tell me the best way to get over someone is to get under someone but I have decided a few things. First of all, to go back to my marketing career. Secondly, I will put me first (unless my babies need me of course).  And finally, to just say ‘No!’ to relationships including but not limited to; casual s*x, one-night stands, and friends with benefits! It’s all too exhausting.    Speaking of exhausting, job hunting wins the prize for exhausting.  Being out of the job market so long, and with so much time in between jobs and my freelance contracted work, I received the automated generic email after email “thanking me for my interest but my qualifications are not the best fit for the position”. Rejection is a b***h! There is one position that I applied for at JR Industries that’s actually mine if I want it. It’s an executive assistant position to the VP of Marketing. Basically, an email writer-coffee-fetcher-do-all-the-work-get-no-credit flunky, but it’s something that gets me in the door. It’s always easier to get promoted within the company than to come from the outside hoping to get the job.  My interview is tomorrow at 10am and since I don’t have any professional business attire, my day will consist of shopping, and shopping to me is therapeutic.   My cell phone rang as I pulled out of the garage.  I switched to the Blue-tooth mode and answered, “Hey Freeeennnnn” the voice drawls.  “Hey right back at you, Freeeeennnnnn”, I respond.  It’s my best friend Jolie who has been my rock and my children’s godmother.  She helped me through my divorce and accompanied me to Africa and Italy. She too is divorced but hers came long before she invested more than 5 years. She’s been dating the same guy for almost 10 years now but she’s so adverse to marrying again.  Even so Sullivan, her ‘Boo’, as she calls him, loves her and he’ll take her anyway he can get her.  I admire their relationship.  There are times I wish that Desi would have loved me that way too, but that ship has sailed and sunk like the Titanic. “Where are you headed, sounds like you’re driving?”, Jolie asks. “I’m headed to the mall to find something to wear to this interview tomorrow. I just realized that I have absolutely nothing in my closet.” “That’s right, you’re headed back into the work force! How exciting! Would you mind some company? Shopping is always better with a friend, you know. I can meet you there and then we could grab lunch after.” She suggests. Excitedly I reply, “Yes, of course! Meet me in Nordstrom’s by the 1st floor elevator.  I should be there in about 20 minutes.” “Ok see you shortly. Bye!” Jolie says ending the call.  Jolie is the queen of shopping and I am more than sure I will end up buying more than what I plan to.  She has been the top in sales at her realty company quarter after quarter. I swear she could convince a blind man to buy bifocals and a year’s supply of eye contacts. Hopefully, I don’t over do it.  I am a sucker for a new dress, or a new pair of shoes, or a new anything for that matter. I was surprised to see Jolie there before me.  She lives about 30 minutes away from the mall. “How did you get here before me?” I ask as I go in for a hug, our usual greeting. “I was showing a condo in that new development about 15 minutes from here. I didn’t have any other appointments today so I figured why not spend some time with my favorite person.” She said nudging me with her shoulder.  “Let’s get to it then, missy. We have a lot of ground to cover.” I said cheekily. She offered me her arm and we walked arm in arm into the women’s clothing section.  I already feel my wallet vibrating my purse as we peruse the clothing racks. I see I am not the only one shopping as Jolie grabs a few items.  A sales clerk [c1] comes and starts a fitting room for both of us. I find a few pencil skirts and dresses and pant suits.  Jolie suggests that I wear a skirt to the interview although I feel more empowered and comfortable in pants.  I am also very self-conscious about my ample ass-ets and skirts and dresses tend to show it off whereas I can cover my rotund backside with a jacket when I have on a pantsuit. I will admit that this navy pencil skirt looks great with this 3-button vertical striped white navy blue and red three-quarter sleeved shirt. The sales clerk came back with a cropped navy blue jacket that cinched in the back at the waist making my waist look even more snatched than it is.  Ah, the illusion of well-fitted clothes, right? “That’s the interview outfit right there, my friend!  Hands down, this outfit will get you hired, promoted and a marriage proposal!  Given the interviewer is a straight male and single, of course.” Jolie jokingly said. “Well I hope you’re right, except for the marriage proposal. I’m good with the job and a promotion.” I said taking one last look in the 3-way mirror. Jolie gives me a pleading yet exasperated look.  She believes it’s time to venture out and look for love again or at least date on a more regular basis. I won’t tell her that I do think about entering the dating scene, but the fear of being at the mercy of someone and possibly losing myself again scares me more than being single.  And if I do tell her, she will have me on a date so fast my head will spin.  She’s tried in the past to introduce me to former clients of hers and Sullivan’s friends, but I always tell them I’m not looking for anything serious or even a quick hook up.  Jolie knocked on my fitting room door informing me that she was going to pay for her items, and I told her I was right behind her.  I walked to the register with at least a week’s worth of clothes.  If I get the job at least I’ll be prepared for the first week or two.  “Where to next?” I asked Jolie. She looked at me with a mischievous glint in her eyes and we both said, “Shoes!” simultaneously. We could shoe shop until the world ended. We literally love shoes! We walked out of the fifth shoe store and came upon a quaint lingerie boutique. Jolie gave a small squeal and walked right in.  I followed her in, but for many different reasons. Unlike Jolie, I had no one to show them off to. However, I feel more confident when I am wearing beautiful under garments. I found a beautiful navy blue laced demi bra with matching panties that I would wear tomorrow.  I grabbed a few baby doll nighties and 2 silk robes in addition to more bras and panties. We paid for our items then Jolie and I hit the makeup counter so I could get a lip stick, lip gloss and more facial moisturizer before we finally headed to a bistro called ‘Bite’. We ordered drinks and appetizers straight away.  Shopping can take a lot out of you. “So where are you interviewing tomorrow?” Jolie asked between bites of the stuffed mushroom appetizer. “JR Industries, it’s for the executive assistant role to the VP of Marketing. It’s not the role I want but it will at least get me in the door, you know.” I said sipping my sweet tea. “Wait, THE JR Industries?” she asked somewhat in disbelief. “Yes?” I say but it came out more like a question.  She looks at me wide-eyed and states. “The condo I showed this afternoon was for my client, Colton Reeves, the CEO of JR Industries!” “No way!” I say incredulously. “Yes way! What a coincidence! Had I known I could have put a good word in for you to make sure you get the job. Oh and just a fair warning, he is absolutely GORGE! If I weren’t head over heels for Sullivan, Colton Reeves could definitely get it!” Jolie exclaims. I laugh at her confession. “But isn’t he like 60 years old or something? And let us not forget the most important thing; he’s married!” I state as a matter-of-factly.  “He’s in his late 50’s and he sure doesn’t look it!  I don’t know about him being married though, Cami. He hasn’t been seen with his wife or any woman really in years.  I think he’s divorced.” “Yes, well either way, I’m going there for a job not to bag Colton Reeves or anyone else that works there for that matter. I am finally walking in the direction of my dreams. Not that being an executive assistant is my dream job, but at least I’ll be closer to it.” Jolie rolls her eyes at me. “Enough with dodging the dating subject, sheesh! You are a beautiful woman with so much to offer to the right person. Don’t let your divorce rob you of a new experience, a new relationship.” She pleads as she grabs my hands across the table. “Besides”, she continues, “Lil Cami needs the 2-year dust and cobwebs knocked off soon.” I snatch my hands away from hers as she laughs heartily and I feign shock and awe. “Lil Cami is doing just fine thank you very much.” I reply haughtily. “c**t stimulators and dildos are no replacement for the real thing, trust me.” Jolie retorts. “Well for now they get the job done.” I said.  Clearly exasperated, Jolie let out a defeated sigh and shakes her head. Our server brings the check and Jolie insisted on paying as a pre-celebratory lunch for getting the job.  We hug and say our good-byes.  Jolie wishes me luck and makes me promise to call her directly after my interview to tell her how it went. I finally make it home and almost regret buying all these things as struggle with the bags to press the elevator to my floor. Once inside my condo, I only take the bags with the items for tomorrow to my room and leave the rest in the living room. It’s after 6 in the evening and since Jolie and I had a late lunch early dinner, I wasn’t particularly hungry.  I prepped my outfit for the interview laying everything on my chaise. I walk into the bathroom, one of three reasons I bought this condo, and start running a bath in my oversized tub. I add a lavender and vanilla bath bomb. The smell is close to baby powder and it always relaxes me. I simply love this bathroom.  I turn Sade on the bathroom speaker and slide into the very warm almost hot bath and lay my head back against the bath pillow. After a 20-minute soak and being totally relaxed, I dry off, moisturize and put on a black silk short-sleeved pajama shirt. I hop in bed and turn on the TV. I DVR’d one of my favorite shows and tonight was the 2-hour season premiere. About an hour into the show, I could barely keep my eyes open, so I turned off the TV and almost immediately fell asleep. The next morning, I wake up before my alarm and that could only mean one thing, I’m anxious. I know I’ve downplayed the position I’m interviewing for, but I really do want this job.  I look forward to the routine and the daily grind.  Of course, if I hate the job then I may just eat my words, but for now I’m hopeful. I head to the bathroom and start my routine. After my shower and brushing my teeth, I head to the kitchen for toast and matcha green tea as I’m not a big coffee drinker.  I prefer a nice boost of energy instead of the jitters that coffee can sometimes give me. I’m nervous enough. I finish up my tea and toast and continued getting dressed.  I check my hair and makeup in the mirror by the front door. I kept my makeup light not wanting to overdo it.  I grab my purse and bag with extra copies of my resume and contacts and head out. Traffic wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I live closer to the city, so my drive isn’t long. The building is beautiful. I use the automatic revolving door and walk up to the securityeceptionist desk. It’s 9:40 which gives me at least 20 minutes for security and whatever check-in is required.  The perky brunette with green eyes smiles and asks, “How can I help you?” I return her smile and respond, “I have a 10 o’clock interview with Mr. Shane Oliver.” “Ok then. Sign-in and take the elevators to the 20th floor. The admin, Mrs. Rosen can further assist you.”  I thank her and head to the elevators. Once I reach the 20th floor, I see who I assume to be Mrs. Rosen and a lobby full of recent college graduates. They all look so young! What am I doing here?  I become painfully self-conscious as I am damn near 20 years older than some of these girls and the 2 guys hoping to land the job!  Although I may not look like it, anyone could tell that I’m more on the mature side.  I quickly shake the doubtful thoughts.  If nothing else, I look good, right? Nonetheless, I walk over to the admin desk. She checks me in and I take a seat and wait. After watching applicant after applicant go in and come out, my name was finally called. I stood at the mahogany doors for a beat and took a quick breath.  I knocked on the door and a baritone voice said, “Come in.”  I squared my shoulders opened the door and walked in.  The office was nice and fairly big.  The cherry oak desk was massive and in front of it sat 2 wingback chairs.  There was a nice view of downtown from the 20th floor windows.  There was a brown leather tufted couch with two kidney pillows near the windows with a coffee table and two arm-chairs facing the couch on the opposite side. Mr. Oliver, a reasonably tall, medium build man, with chocolate brown hair and hazel eyes, stood and came from around his desk toward me.  “Ms. Davis” he said with his hand out-stretched, “a pleasure to meet you”.  “Likewise.” I respond after shaking his hand. He points toward the couch for me to sit and he takes a seat in the chair on the other side of the coffee table.  I hadn’t noticed the file that sat on the table as he picked it up and opened it.  He looks up from the file and says, “So tell me about yourself…” I basically reiterate what’s on my resume adding a few things here and there.  He seemed to be impressed with my experience but the one topic I wanted to avoid came up.  “Although you have experience and impeccable track record, you seem to have a large gap in your work experience. Not to mention, this position is well below your credentials. I can’t imagine a woman with your background would be very satisfied with being just an assistant.” Mr. Oliver said and looked at me intently.  “Yes, I realize that, however, I believe with my experience and knowledge, I would be quite the asset.  Outside of showing me how to operate the computer systems, there would not be much training in terms of the marketing processes themselves.  You would have the confidence that items on your agenda would get completed in your absence.” I said with all the confidence I could muster.  Mr. Oliver stared at me with a look of consideration.  He pursed his lips and then said, “You make a good argument. Although I would rather hire you to be my cohort, we just don’t have any of those positions open at the moment.” Not meaning to cut him off, I blurted out, “I am well aware of what position I applied for and I am willing to take the position and pay if you are willing to hire me.” He gives me a stern look and then smirks which turns into a smile.  “Well Ms. Davis, it looks like you will be my new assistant.” He stands and I follow his lead standing as well.  He shakes my hand and covers it with his other hand. He walks ahead of me to open his office door and we walk to Mrs. Rosen’s desk. “Mrs. Rosen please cancel the rest of the interviews. Ms. Davis will start tomorrow.”  I thank him again and Mrs. Rosen tells me to report to work at 8am the next day in HR. I thank her and head toward the elevators smiling.  I can’t wait to get in the car and call Jolie!  I’m finally walking into my own again. Before I can press the button to call the elevator, it dings.  I stand back to make way for the people exiting the elevator to get off.  The doors open and I casually look up and my breath hitches in my throat.  The tallest drink of water in a tailor made charcoal gray suit with a red tie and white and gray pin-striped shirt walks out. He is absolutely GOR-GE-OUS! He was tan and his eyes were an intense deep cerulean blue framed by long dark lashes. His black curly hair was accented by a tuft of gray right in front. His broad shoulders and wide chest hung his suit beautifully.  I am a sucker for a man in a suit! He cleared his throat snapping me out of my stupor.  That’s when I noticed he was actually being a gentleman by holding the elevator doors open so that I could enter.  As I walked passed him into the elevator, I caught a whiff of his cologne and it was intoxicating. I looked at him and with a small smile said, “Thank you.”  He nodded looking intently at me and said “Ma’am”. He let got of the elevator and walked toward Mr. Oliver’s office.  As the doors closed I watched his confident stride and his wide back. As I finally let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding, I thought to myself, ‘Who is that? And what department does he work in?” I giggled to myself shaking my head and remembered that I just landed the job. I almost skipped to my car.  I pulled out from the parking garage and as the Bluetooth connected my call to Jolie, I thought, “…And so it begins…”  [c1]