Contracted Bride

"Hey Mom, it's me, Ella, how are you doing?" "Ella's tired voice greeted her mother as she placed her bags on the empty table beside the bed. She gazed at her mother's unconscious face, pale and connected to several IVs." "I know you can hear me even if you can't talk right now," she held her cold hands in hers, blinking back tears like her eyes always do every time she visits "I'm fine Mummy" she lied, she was everything butfine. "The doctors said you'd be fine soon. I hope they're right. I miss your cookies and baked treats. I know they’ll taste just as delicious as they always did. Please wake up soon." Why it works: Breaking this up makes it more natural and emphasizes the emotional weight of the moment. It also removes redundant phrases like "I haven't tasted them in forever." She continued, telling her mother how much she had missed her and the things she had been up to, eaving out the bad parts, like the fact that she had just lost one of her jobs after passing out due to exhaustion. "Ella, you are here already," Vivian, the doctor in charge of Ella's mum's ward walked in, in the company of an intern doctor, she went over to check the machines that the patients were connected to while explaining things to the intern before standing beside Ella "Dr.Vivian, thank you for alwaystaking care of my mother" Ella bowed feeling grateful "It's my job and you don't have to thank me," Dr Vivian patted her shoulder with a smile "When you are done here, please stop by my office," she added before exiting the ward Ella sat down beside her mother for a little while longer holding and caressing her hands softly, picturing a day she would get to see her mother's bright and beautiful smile once again, and when it was time for her to leave she kissed her mother goodbye, promising to come to check on her the following day. "Come in and sit down Ella," Dr. Vivian gestured to her "You look even more tired today, how will you take care of your mother if you break down now?" she scolded worriedly. "I'm fine doctor, how is she doing? Is there any improvement?" The doctor sighed and brought out an envelope passing it to Ella "I'm afrad she's not, there has been no improvement whatsoever, and now the medical boards have increased the bills for life support patients" She explained with a sad smile. "It's either we removed her from life support or you get yourself in more debt, Ella. But I'm hoping you won't choose the latter, you are already this exhausted and I'm sure your parents wouldn't want such a tiresome life for you." Ella's heart dropped, her world was crumbling before her and she had no control over it. Uncontrolled tears gushed out, soaking her tired face,her shoulders trembled as she broke down. "What could she do now? She couldn't give up—her mother was her only family. But she also couldn't afford to keep her alive." Why it works: This revision removes repetition and gets to the core emotional conflict more quickly, improving flow and clarity. "What should I do now? I can't give up on her, she's all I have left" she cried. "You dont have a choice at this point, Ella,You look so stressed no one would believe you are still in your mid-twenties. Plus the new bill is twice the price it was. You've tried your best,your mom knows that" Dr.Vivian comforted "Have I? I don't think I have, there is something more that could be done, I don't want to lose my Mummy" She sobbed "Why don't you go and think about it? Tell me your decision tomorrow, alrght? But remember to put yourself first alright?" "Ella left the hospital feeling heavier than before. Her mother was all she had—her strength, her support—and now she was about to lose her." Why it works: The revised version shortens the sentence, removes redundant phrases, and uses punctuation to enhance the flow. Upon getting home, she noticed a note lying under her door and picked it up, as she read the note her face went pale and the energy drained from her body. Fresh tears cascaded down her face, her hands trembled in fear and dread, she was done with this time, nobody would save her Where would she get such huge money in a month? "When did a hundred thousand become tens of millions? Her blurry eyes scanned the note again. The rough handwriting seemed unreal, but her best friend's warnings about loan sharks echoed in her mind. Now was the time they'd come for her." Why it works: The sentence is simplified to remove unnecessary phrases and improve readability. It’s broken into two parts for clarity and emphasis. Borrowing money from those illegal groups is dangerous, Ella, not even the cops would be able to help you when they start. You lend from the bank instead I should have listened, but then the bank wouldn't have given me without collateral ' Your loan interest has increased to Ten Million, you are to pay it back within a month or you will be sold to the brothel to pay back your debt. "I need a saviour. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to lose my mummy, I don't want to get sold to the brothel,please." "Please whoever can hear me, pease" she sobbed, burying her face into her curled-up knees Her old phone chirped, bringing it to her ear,"Hello" she replied groggiy to the voice on the other side of the phone, not bothering to check the caller ID "Ella, your rent is six months and you haven't attempted to pay me a dime since then" "I will pay you, please give me some weeks" "You said that last month," the landlady bit back "I know things haven't been easy for you lately, and neither has it been for anyone, I have six kids to take care of all alone and I need the money" "Just a little more time, please" Ella begged "I have beenpatient enough with you and I can't wait any longer, you are to vacate the apartment in twenty hours."