Shades of the Self

It long passed since Kylie Allen had felt solace. Long enough for someone to forget how it feels like, for someone to not realize that the normal condition of being is not permanent sadness. Positive emotions were buried so deep in her mind that arising them needed some kind of stimulation. Not only lack of that, but things were only getting worse, since her mother, Ashly, was dying. As much as Kylie hated going to the hospital to see her mother’s dead face, and then hated herself for hating going to the hospital; she willingly visited everyday. After spending a while inside, her father would tell her to go stay home, keep her mind distracted, but she just stood next to the white bed with pale Ashly on it, as irresponsive to her father’s words as Ashly was to hers. She felt numb, senseless, couldn’t think, couldn’t talk. If Ashly could talk now she would have told her to stay strong, that death is inevitable for all of us. And this thought somehow eased her inside. That yes life was unfair, it came in different scales for different people; but death would take everyone once and for all. Standing there her mind went back in time and reviewed some of the things she and her mother had experienced, she remembered the days on which the two of them along with some of Ashly’s friends would go to hiking. And after hours of ambling among the trees and greens, Kylie and Ashley would sit on a log and talk about anything Kylie wanted. And at the end her mother always encouraged her to think futuristic, that sacrificing the moment was crucial for having better upcoming events, and then Kylie once said, "Well, I would have enjoyed these moments more had father accompanied us.” Ashly smiled. “One day you will only need yourself to enjoy life.” Kylie’s gaze dropped off. “I just wish...” “Kylie,” her father’s voice cut the memory. “It’s enough, you go home.” Kylie held her mother’s hand one more time and left the room. Following her father through all-white corridors leading outside and then into the car. The car was a red one with two doors, something worn out James, her father, had won through a lucky gambling years ago. It was twilight and he drove steadily on those old bumpy streets with lights on, while giving her “life lessons” which were already getting repetitive despite him starting it only a week ago. She was instead focused outside, with two eyes through a skull in a body, feeling and experiencing. It was weird how the things always flowed forward; people, cars, lives... "Kylie!” Her father made her flinch again. “Did you hear me?” "Oh yes, yes dad.” "Remember, you have a long life ahead. Me and your mother expect things from you.” Kylie knew the extent of difference those expectations had with one another. “Yeah,” she said and looked back outside. "No school tomorrow, you can stay home.” “I might go to Emily.” “You don’t go anywhere.” Kylie frowned at him. “Dad! You can’t tell me what to do or not do. I am 18 now.” “Yes I can,” he said, looking ahead. “I wish you were in her place,” said Kylie after a pause. James just drove. By the time they arrived to Riverside it was full night. James parked the car next to the wide road in front of their house and waited until Kylie left the car, all this time without talking to her or looking at her. James drove back to the hospital. Kylie knew that she hurt him. Actually he had been hurt already. James loved his wife, he did feel things. He was a tall bulky man but Kylie could see his soft side in his mannerism. He hadn’t had anything work related for the past 2 weeks. He hadn’t had alcohol. He was trying to take care of Kylie the best that he could. Only that his best was never even close to enough. Kylie never exactly knew what was her father’s job. From what she had picked up pieces of puzzles hearing her parents having disputes numerous time, she suspected something along ‘illegal transportation’, whatever the hell that meant. Ashly was never happy about it. She talked about safety, didn’t like when James disappeared for days because he had ‘things’ to do. And most importantly, the fact that he had never found enough amount of money from what he did, which made it unworthy. Although a few times James claimed that he did make a lot of money, but his surroundings were built in a way that he could not keep it. And that brought up the idea of spoiled character by surroundings. Which Ashly was even more opposed to. All and all, it always seemed like Ashly had only one motivation, and that was the well being of their daughter. But James never seemed to care that much. And not being drunk or at work for the past 2 weeks was simply too late, which wouldn’t even last, Kylie was pretty sure. They lived in one of the worst sections of the city. Very close to the third bridge right next to the southern side of the river Blue which cut the city in half. Their house was simple. Two rooms, a wide porch, a place on the roof for Kylie to sit on. After a moment of scanning around she took the key, got inside, locked the door and entered her room. The room was pretty average sized with brown wallpapers as Ashly wanted, since Kylie had big brown eyes and brown hair which her mother always admired. She laid down on the bed, tried to listen to some of her over-played music. Didn’t work. In the back of her mind she knew what she desired, she had been thinking about it ever since all the s**t got worse. But later that night she finally dared confronting it, her negative feelings won over and made her choice. First she called Emily to make sure she was awake, then bicycling through uncrowded streets of the neighbourhood. It was around 11 pm. Not that cold of a night. Emily lived with her Grandma in a grand house around 15 minutes away from her. Once Emily was visible from far away, her silhouette waiting on the pavement under a light gained life as Kylie reached to her. On the left there was a small park, on the right Emily’s house. Kylie dropped her bike to the ground and hugged her friend. “Hey.” “Hey Kylie you okay?” Emily’s soft voice always soothed Kylie. “Uhm, no. Not really,” she answered. “You know, doctors say that it’s her final days,” and gazed down. “We saw that coming didn’t we?” Emily said and pushed Kylie’s chin up to herself, as she stood taller. “That only makes it worse.” “One day, you will forget this grief. I promise.” Kylie’s voice stuck in her throat. “What?” Asked Emily. “Don’t be so heartless now,” whispered Kylie and looked away. “Come on, let’s go inside.” “Only if you give me something.” Emily frowned. “Like what?” “Ask yourself.” Emily chose silence. “Something more than alcohol,” Kylie said. “But we talked about it, remember? You stay away from using.” “Uff, stop making it a big deal, it’s not like you.” “My answer is still no.” “OKAY,” said Kylie and turned to leave. “I will take from someone else tomorrow. Not that it’s so hard to find in that shitty school full of addicts. Firs I will ask...” “Wait,” said Emily nodding. “All right, only one E.” *** On the second floor inside Emily’s room, where music was played and the different colours looked brighter than before, Kylie was talking with her friend so deeply that she didn’t give any signs of the usual inner darkness. Once in a while her mind reminded her of what was going on at her household, but after a pause she was back on track, and feeling more alive than ever. Feeling all the love inside. And talking it out to Emily. Next day she woke up a little late and went back home, then after searching around and not finding his dad she fell back to sleep. Later that day James also came home, said that he had been at the hospital. And Ashly was dead. *** All these events somehow had trail in a year ago. The days on which Kylie sat at the rear section of the class and her attention was mostly distracted. She got average scores, had nothing special about her, barely made friends, and the ones she made were short term. Classmates were boring, home was boring. Her hobbies were mostly indoors ones. The only times she got to go outside were on the occasions that parents turned enemies. She would have walked along the river or sat under a tree and read a book. By the time she got back home, things had settled down. It was her life and it was passing day by day. She wasn’t too unhappy about it. The same as every start of a new school year, they had few newcomers, and that year one of them in particular got her attention. Her name was Emily Wright and she sat right behind her. The thing about her that attracted Kylie’s interest was mostly her silence. You could pass days without hearing her voice. She was also different from Kylie in many ways, first of all that she was blond and tall, and then unlike Kylie her silence didn’t come with awkwardness, but with apathy. As if she didn’t deem any of them worthy enough to say ‘hi’ to. She looked older than her age and that made it a bit justifiable, but she still couldn’t help but to see it as a light taste of narcissism. Emily was often late to the class, meant that when she arrived Kylie was already in, looking at Emily as she passed behind, though the stares never went unnoticed, which only made them more open as time went by, to a point that at a few break-times the two of them caught each other eye by eye, and that made them smile. The whole situation was kind of goofy as their ages demanded, but as soon as they started saying hi to each other each morning, Kylie felt like it was the beginning of a good friendship. And that was enough for her. One Monday as the school day was reaching to it’s end, one of Kylie’s ‘friends’, Rose, approached her calmly and sat beside her. “Hey Kylie.” Kylie looked at the roundish face of hers. “Hey Rose.” “Look, I wanted to say sorry for... for what you heard. I did not mean it.” “What are you saying?” “You haven’t heard?” “No?” “Well, they were making jokes about what a freak you are.” “Huh?” “And I just wanted to say that looking at you gives me nightmares. Like really, one of the guys also had them.” And Kylie noticed the ones around her chuckling. “How long of eyebrows someone can have?” Rose continued. “Is it true that when you had a date...” “Just get lost Rose.” Kylie whispered, and heard the laughing getting worse. She then picked up her bag and left the class while murmuring things like ‘you idiots’ under her lips, trying to bury her emotions as for not making things worse, and stepped on the campus. The school was located on a main street that led straight to the third bridge of Hutsen city, where Kylie lived very close to. It was a 30 minutes walk that she did two times everyday. The whole view of the route was somehow like a black and white photo; streets, buildings, pavements, were so worn out but not corrupted, as were the most southern parts of the city. Though she somehow enjoyed walking there and considered it the best part of a school day. Something happened that made the walking part even better from that day on. As Kylie was thinking about what had happened at the class with Rose, she noticed a figure slow-paced right next to her. She looked and saw the shiny face of Emily Wright. "Hey, I was not expecting you,” Kylie tried to sound jolly. “It’s my everyday route,” Emily said. “Kylie right?” "Yeah.” "Where do you live?” "Riverside.” "Is it true that they say you better keep your distance from people that part?” Asked Emily with a smile. "Find out for yourself.” "It’s fun getting to know people only to find out that you don’t know them.” Kylie felt herself blushing. “So you heard it with Rose.” "Of course, I was right behind you,” said Emily and made a pause. “Don’t worry there are a lot of people who will pretend to be your friend. That’s just normal.” "I don’t worry about her.” Kylie did not like her position, so she tried to change the subject. “Where were you before? I had never seen you at this school.” “Oh far south. After I lost my father few months ago I was given to live with my grandma. Mom left us when I was so young and yadda yadda.” "Oh.” “... and now waiting to turn 18 and hopefully live on my own. Not that I dislike the situation now,” said Emily with a giggle. “Don’t you feel bad for your dad?” "All of us have ways for peace.” Kylie didn’t want to prod about it anymore. “So where do you live?” “Somewhere near here.” “We can walk the way everyday.” Emily giggled again, and that was how everything started. They ranted about each other, made jokes, and then their common paths reached to its end. Kylie was happy about everything. And she found Emily to not be as snobbish as she had assumed her to be. Or maybe Emily was snobbish, but not with her, which again was a good sign. Kylie walked her way into an avenue, where she lived, once the bridge was visible. There were houses with small trees on both sides, behind the houses on the right located the river, behind the ones on the left just another avenue like this. Once she was at the door probing for the keys in her purse, she noticed Mary, one of the neighbours, coming towards her. In the back of her mind she knew that this was not something she could expect with no troubles attached to. So she did the only thing she could do, act as if she hadn’t seen her. The door opened, welcoming her inside. "Kylie,” Mary said with a hoarse throat. She always sounded like something bad was happening that she should have taken care of. Kylie looked behind and said “hey.” "Can you call James or Ashly out?” Mary was standing right down the porch. “What about them?” Mary didn’t answer. “They won’t be home anyways,” said Kylie and got inside. Put her stuff down, checked the rooms and went back out. "As I said, they are not here.” "Look Kylie, it will be the first and the last time I am telling you this. Next time a cent goes missing, you are in serious trouble.” Kylie felt a burn. “What?” "And don’t play the innocent. I know what you are. Mike reports me everything.” "Mike can barely differentiate his left and right Mary, what the hell.” "Next time I will show you who is the i***t here. You little thief.” Before Kylie could say get lost to her, she took away her presence. Kylie left the porch, and washing her reddened eyes was the first thing she did.