Finding Me

What Happened to My Parents?

Okay, before I say anything about my parents let me explain how I got here, to this point and now; before my parent's bodies.

It all turned upside down after, Jack, the fake boyfriend's, death. My life literally became difficult. Everyone keep saying that I am a witch, alien... you can go for any possible worst names you can think of.

I don't understand why they think I have some sort of unique power that can convince anyone to the point Jack reached to.

Anyway, things were bad enough, that I tried taking my life, twice. For that, I get to see a therapist who was willing to let me work my time to start the talk and ready to hear me out. It felt weird at first but I was starting to feel like Dr. Maria is the closest thing I have to a friend.

Maria is tall, she had short, soft and black as night hair. She is always well dressed and even when she talks, she is calm. Her calmness can calm anything down. She is the ultimate woman in power, in my eyes. She is always in white or gray colored clothing. She's not only calm, but it's surprising for me that she talks when she has to, and when she has to say something she is on point.

Even though it's been three months talking with her, I was able to start to open up to her for only a week, the rest of eighty-three days I was quiet. She was also quiet. It felt like she was willing to let me be the way that comforts my zone. It also felt like she knew I would eventually start the talk for the quietness is boredom incarcerated.

"I don't know why I did it," that was how I started and she pressed a partial and soft smile on her lips as her green eyes got fixed at me.

"What?" She asked and I remember filling my chest with air.

"Taking my life," I whispered. "Or, telling him to die," I bite my lower lip but turned my attention off her and to her desk behind her.

"This is a room for you to put out the fire in here," she pointed to her chest with her right hand. I still can't say why, but I remember that feeling I felt with her. I knew I can say anything to her and she would understand.

"My heart was broken, I hated everything because of what he did to me." I took some moments thinking, "I thought he was for real, he made me believe him. How can I trust him again, and after he did what he did? Would you?" I asked her and she shrugged. "I didn't mean it. I was, simply mad..."

"Why?"

"When I was a jock it was fine with everyone, and when he seemed like losing himself, it was my fault in everyone's eyes." I looked at her and she was fixed on that partial soft smile. "I felt chip, unwanted. I don't have friends and I never felt like I belonged anywhere."

"Why would you feel that way?"

"I never feel wanted?"

"Your parents never intrigued you as someone who wants you... need you? Don't you think they care about you that they are willing to undergo anything impossible just to make you happy?"

"They do, but sometimes some part of me tells me otherwise. Trust me, they care too much for me to even think about it, but I don't even resemble anything about them, not even an interest in hobbies."

"What's your interest?"

"Exactly, that's what I have been asking myself. I don't know what makes me happy, I am extremely busy trying to fit in, I still don't have time to figure that out." I said to her and she write something on her notebook.

That was how we started and I loved every part of it. I kept going to see her lovingly after that day, I would tell her every small and big problems I faced.

In the meantime, things at school got worse with all the threats getting real; notes in my locker, it gets physical with the beatings and even the stalking all the way to home. I was frightened of everything and even my own shadow. This is happening, especially, after Sam, John's older brother, got transferred to our school.

He didn't just think I was to blame for his brother's death, but he believed it, that he wanted revenge. He was looking forward to making my life difficult, a living hell.

My sessions with Dr. Maria was a lot about that and why I feel like I don't fit anywhere.

After I'm done with her, I'll have to wait for my parents in the lobby, until she finished her conversation with them. I suppose they would be talking about what they should do and how to be there for me and stuff.

"Play dumb," a girl whispers to me and I turn to see her on my left. "I'm Cat, like 'C' 'mew cat.'"

"Oh," I smiled confused. "I'm..."

"Bekim, everyone knows you, at school. That's your default. Even though I don't need it, for I am harmless, my default is invisibility." She pressed wide smile to me. "I am your fellow freak," I know that was the end of the introduction, as it felt like a start of what felt like a friendship with mutual understanding between us. Besides, I like that she enjoys that she is a freak.

"Okay," I nodded slowly as I think.

"We should stick together, you know, us the freaks," she adds and I frowned unsure of what she was trying to say. "Whenever our parents are in the room with our doctors it's because they are getting an advice or because they are being told we are children with problems that require medical attention."

"Oh," I was shocked, I never consider myself with mental issue. "Which was your case?" I asked her hesitant.

"SSRIS." She showed me container of her medicine. "Turns out I have depression issue."

"I... I doubt I'm there yet."

"Yes, that's what I thought at first, until I was already there." I turned my attention to the door waiting for them to come out. Hoping they wouldn't ask me to undergo any medication treatment. "Don't worry, we are friends from now on. We'll never be alone," she said that to me and she was my friend from then on. I wasn't alone after that day.

Me and Cat stared to stick each other's head for one another, help each other out. I realized it was better to have her company than to be alone.

***

"Hey, b***h," Sam whispered in my ear and I turned to him jumpy. He frightened me dearly and I hated the way he bullied me. It was real, too real and dangerous.

Just as I turned to face him, he threw a fire work to my face and it blew up, loud and too bright. I thought I lost my vision, my face. I was on the floor screaming and fidgeting as Cat was trying to calm me down in her arms, while others run to different directions.

I was rushed to the hospital and the doctor advised me to stay home till the effect of the flash on my eyes is gone.

It was bad that the school called my parents to explain that it's out of their control to protect me at all times and that they should find other options. Until my parents find a way, I started to get home schooled. It was good that Cat was there for me at all times that I get to smile to her crazy talks and X-men plans. It kept me from going crazy.

My day to day activities turned into; Dr. Maria and homeschooling and Cat.

Cat was with me for a sleep over and we were busy conversing regarding what my parents plan would be, for me. They have been working hard on finding me a school, willing to change town if it necessarily come to that point.

"Hey, love," mom knocked on my door and I sat up. "We're waiting for you in the living room," she added and we both looked at each other; me and Cat.

"I'm sure it's boarding school, I think I'll join you," she smiled to me and I shook my head as I walk out my room. It wasn't a news they were looking for solution and I was ready for their decision.

"We talked with Dr. Maria, " I frowned. "She thinks we should be as honest as possible. It's for your own good," dad started the conversation. I knew then it wasn't about a school or anything that has to do with it.

"You mean everything for us," mom seemed scared and unsure regarding the talk. "We love you no matter what."

"Nothing will change that," dad held mom's hands in his as he nodded. "When we adopted you, it..." I don't know how to explain the feeling after the word.

I suddenly felt sick. It was like running out of air, like I can't breathe, I felt that I was getting cold, ice cold, my eyeballs felt like exploding as if it suddenly changed shape. I felt like something was on my chest, stressing me hard and all I am hoping to do was blow air out long. I was sure that something was wrong... so wrong, with me, that it felt like I was dying if not literally changed physically. As my eyes zoom my parent's face I gasped for fresh air. I was cold, but I was at the same time too hot like about to spit fire.

I stood up and blew air out long and loud; my eyes closed and my hands in a fist. I wanted to calm down and it was helping for a moment. Slowly my hearing started to clear and my heartbeat rate slowed down.

"Oh my God, Bekim," Cat's voice woke me back to the stairs, to where she was standing by.

I frowned as I followed her eyes to where she was looking at. My patients on the two-seat sofa before me. Headless bodies and blood everywhere.

What happened, did I do that?

What the f**k am I?