Another Chance at Happiness

Chapter Three Lela spent the next six months focused on renovating the buildings. She fell into bed every night completely exhausted, limbs sore and mind spent, yet she welcomed the distraction. It kept her from thinking about Nathan. She planned and shopped with delirious abandon, while a team of contractors bobbed and weaved throughout the inn and bungalow. They updated the roofs, windows, electrical, and plumbing and removed the old wallpaper, paint, carpet, and tile. Once that stage was complete, another team updated all of the bathrooms and installed a commercial-grade kitchen and brand-new oak wood floors in the inn. At the bungalow, they tore down the walls separating the kitchen, dining room, and the two small rooms that would become her living room. New replica colonnades were installed with an arch to support the beams above. They updated the bathrooms and installed new maple cabinetry and a custom island in the kitchen. Both houses’ kitchens and bathrooms received new black-and-silver-chipped quartz countertops. She hired restoration specialists to bring the inn’s wainscoting, casings, built-ins, and doors back to their original glory and had them stained a deep mahogany. All the interior walls at the inn were painted a soft caramel suede; however, each guest room had its own theme and color scheme. The common rooms were decorated in a farmhouse chic style with a vintage nod to the house’s origins. Outside, the stucco was painted a smoky gray, and the trim a bright white. The new front door was painted a cheery apple-red to match the Adirondack chairs and swing on the porch. The bungalow’s exterior was finished in the same fashion, but the interior was decorated a bit differently from the main house—its woodwork was painted bright white, while the walls were given a twilight-gray suede treatment throughout. To save money, Lela painstakingly sanded and stained the floors herself. She loved the rich, natural-looking tobacco-brown finish that gave the home a rustic feel. The stainless-steel appliances were due to arrive in the next week. She was proud of what she’d accomplished in such a short time. Most of her energy had gone into furnishing and decorating the inn, so her poor little bungalow would need some more love and attention in the coming weeks. Her apartment lease was up on the fifteenth of September, so the move into her new home was imminent. Most of the furniture she needed would come with her, but she had her eye on a few special pieces to splurge on. * * * Two weeks later, on an unusually warm late-September night, Lela was waist-deep in a lower kitchen cabinet, laying down shelf paper, when a loud knock on her front door made her jump and bang her head on the drawer above. “Ouch!” She was in a bad mood already, and the pain in her head didn’t help things. Crawling backward out from the cabinet, she stood and padded barefoot across the newly polished wood floor. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and looked down. Both her black tank top and jean shorts were filthy. She tried to shake off some of the dust as she strode to the door. Lela opened the door to reveal a bashful-looking Nathan standing on her porch. Her jaw dropped, and a surprised “Oh!” was all that she could manage. She immediately felt heat gathering in her cheeks. Dammit. “Hi,” he greeted her. “You’ve got a little dirt on your nose.” He reached out and swept his fingertips down the tip of her nose, making her shiver. “Hi,” she echoed back dumbly, thoroughly shocked to see him standing there. Wow. That sounded stupid. Get it together, Lela! He shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. “Can I come in?” “Oh. Sure.” She stood back from the doorway. “Nice door.” “Thanks. I found it at a salvage shop in Denver.” She looked around her living room. It was still a huge mess; the sectional was covered in boxes and laundry. s**t! Her bras were layered over the back of the couch, hanging down in plain sight. “The place looks amazing. You’ve done a lot of work.” “Sorry about the mess, I’m still unpacking and trying to figure out where everything’s going.” She moved away from the living room—and the bras—and directed Nathan to the new island in her kitchen, pulling out two of the black cross-back bar stools. She motioned for him to sit. “I’m sorry for just showing up and not calling.” His right leg began to bounce. Apparently he was as nervous as she was. “Do you want anything to drink? Water? Iced tea? Or something stronger?” she asked with a smile. Please say something stronger. “Wine?” Thank God. “I was hoping you’d say that.” She pulled two of her large wine glasses out of a moving box and placed them on the island. Heading into the pantry, Lela grabbed a bottle of her favorite red blend. Well, it used to be his favorite too; she wondered if it still was. She’d tried to find another brand that suited her as well as this one, but she just couldn’t settle on one that made her as happy—much like the men in her life after Nathan. Okay, don’t even go there. Concentrate on opening the bottle and pouring the wine into the glasses. “So, why are you here? To be perfectly honest, I didn’t expect to ever see you again.” She filled the glasses and set his down in front of him before taking a long sip from her own. “Why didn’t you think you’d ever see me again?” “Nathan. Don’t look so surprised. We haven’t communicated in ages. And, apart from the inspection, it’s been over three years since we’ve been in the same room with each other.” “That’s not true,” he argued. Nathan lifted his glass and quickly gulped down half its contents. “In the beginning, after we broke up, you said you’d try to be friends. Sometimes you’d respond to my emails and we’d have amazing, deep conversations. Things would be great, but then suddenly you’d stop replying. Or you’d write some long email about how you couldn’t give me what I needed, that I should find someone who could make me truly happy. Then there’d be silence until you’d pop up again saying you missed me. I don’t even remember the last time we emailed back and forth before I contacted you about the inspection,” she said, topping off his glass. She turned her back to Nathan and began moving around the kitchen, aimlessly wiping at the dust motes on the countertop. “Lela. You know why I couldn’t talk to you. Why it’s hard for me to write you.” Walking back to the island, she sighed and plopped down on the stool to his right. “Yes, Nathan, I know. You feel guilty and need to keep your mind straight, meaning you have to bury your feelings for me. However, as hard as you try, you can’t bury them deep enough. You can deny it all you want, but I know in my heart it’s the truth.” She avoided his gaze and stared down at her glass, rolling the stem between her fingers, and watching the ruby-red contents swirl around the bowl. “Lela, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about…” He straightened, put down his glass, and turned to face her. That got her attention. Her stomach knotted. “Look, Nathan, you didn’t need to come all the way out here to tell me what I already know, and besides, it’s a moot point anyway.” She took another big sip of wine. His mouth dropped open slightly. “Wait. You’re with someone?” She frowned and carefully set her glass down. “No, Nathan, there’s no one else. And if I have to hear your lecture again about finding someone that makes me happy, I’m going to scream.” She wasn’t sure if he thought her frustration was funny or what, but it irritated her to see the smile on his face and a new light in his eyes. “I’m not joking, Nathan. Quit looking so damn happy.” “Baby, I…” he began. Wait. What? Baby?! He hasn’t called me baby in forever… “I tried forcing myself to forget you, but…” Lela stood abruptly, grabbing the can of Pledge and the rag she’d been using to polish the new maple cabinets. She sprayed the nearest cabinet door and started to wipe in small, quick strokes. “Why do we have to rehash this again? I did what you asked, what was best for you… I let you go.” Exasperated, she turned back to him, fisting her hands and setting them on her hips. “Why are you here Nathan?” He walked over to where she stood, rigid. “I thought if I stopped talking to you, I’d finally be able to get over you. But I just… I can’t do it.” She backed up two steps and braced herself against the countertop. “What does that mean exactly?” He moved forward until he stood directly in front of her again, this time reaching for and holding her right hand with his left. “I want us to get back together, you know, like before.” “No, Nathan. I refuse to be your s****l and emotional jockstrap.” It was out of her mouth before she had a chance to think it through. “Oh.” He released her hand and walked back to the island. Taking a seat, his shoulders slumped, and he looked down at his empty wine glass, his gaze fixed on the rim. Damn those sad eyes. Lela could see how crushed he was. It mirrored her own hurt. “I’m not going back to being the Band-Aid for your problem anymore. Your ‘problem’ is sitting at home—she’s why you found me in the first place. She’s the one who rebuffs you, complains about things she knows you can’t change, and refuses to talk about s*x because it offends her. It’s not my fault the two of you aren’t a good match, or that your stubborn male pride won’t let you divorce her.” “I—” She cut him off. “You told me in the beginning you’d never just stop talking to me. But you did. And you know what’s worse? When you come back and we pick up like you never left, and it’s so good, being with you, feeling our intimate connection again. Even after we stopped seeing each other in person, our emails kept the connection going between us. Remember when you said that you wished you could just have a f**k buddy and then things wouldn’t be so complicated?” When he started to respond, she put her hand up to silence him. “I told you a f**k buddy wouldn’t be enough for you, that you needed the connection, the intimacy you lacked at home. I told you I knew I was right because you insisted that I couldn’t look away from your eyes when we were together. I knew how much you missed being touched in a loving way, whether it was a gentle caress or just being held. How you craved seeing the joy in my eyes when I first saw you again. Do you remember what your response was?” He nodded, a trace of a smile on his lips. “I said you had me to a f*****g T.” “That’s right. And a few days after acknowledging that truth, you disappeared again,” she fumed, waving her arms to punctuate her words. “Remember how I used to tell you I could never say no to you, Nathan? Well, here I am telling you no. I don’t want to be the other woman again. It used to be enough for me, but not anymore.” Tears of anger and regret began to fill her eyes, but she didn’t care. Let him see my tears. He deserves to see how much he’s hurt me. Her voice trembled. “I gave you so much of myself, more than I’ve ever given anyone in my life, and you threw it away without a second thought.” “But I apologized for that… I was trying to do right—” She interrupted him again, anger rising hot inside her. “Yes, for the millionth f*****g time… I KNOW you won’t leave your wife. For the boys… For God. I know how much you hated growing up in a divorced family, how you don’t want that life for your boys. I know you want to do what’s right for them, even though it makes you miserable. What I don’t understand is, while it was important for you to do things ‘the right way’ for everyone else, what about me? Did I not matter at all to you? It’s not like you weren’t fully aware of what we were doing. You answered MY ad, remember?” “Yes. I did. But—” “I tried dating after each time you left me. I tried, dear Lord, I tried… for months. Well the joke’s on me. I couldn’t do it—funny, right? It felt like I was cheating on you. Ha! The cheater that didn’t want to ‘cheat’ on the man she cheated with! Maybe funny isn’t the right word—maybe it’s ironic. Maybe it’s my self-induced punishment for cheating in the first place… or maybe it’s just because I loved you.” Her voice shook as the tears streamed down her face. He stood; the frustration clear on his face. “Lela, dammit, let me explain!” She continued, rushing to get the words out before Nathan left again. He needed to hear this part as much as she needed to say it. “I don’t want to be something you keep hidden, something that makes you feel guilty. I want to hold your hand or kiss you in public. I want to know your friends, your family, and your precious boys. Nathan, you aren’t the only one that wants to do things the ‘right way.’ I want it too… with you.” She choked on a sob. His face paled, and he stepped back as if struck. “I’m so sorry, Lela,” he said, voice breaking. She felt his genuine sadness and regret wash over her. “You’re right. This was a huge mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should go.” And just like that, Nathan walked out the door, leaving her alone with her tears and a broken heart. Again.