Lost

All my life ive wondered why i was never enough. Never enough for my mom, never enough for my boyfriend, never enough for my dad who hated me so much he took his life. I dont know how to fit in, i dont think im pretty, i dont even think i belong in this world. Weed helps me to escape but only for so long, burning myself helps me to feel something other then despair. I just want to live. When i was 10 my dad relapsed on drugs. Cocaine. Then herion. By the time i was 12 he overdosed on our bathroom floor. I found him. Laying there in his own vomit. Cute image for a girl to have of her father, right? My mom has been an abusive alcoholic ever since that day. The pain was too much for her to handle, i guess she blamed herself. I blame her too in a way, she should’ve noticed him being gone all the time. Him coming home and going straight to bed. I started burning myself the day i found him. it was a sunday morning, i had gotten up to use the bathroom but instead found him. it was about 2am. By lunch time my mom was hammered. She barged into my room yelling about how my dad was so selfish for leaving us alone. All i could think was how selfish she was for drinking all day and making me fend for myself. “You’re father’s a bastard, ya know that?” She stammered, slurring her words. “f**k him! I cant believe he did this.” “Shut up! Dont talk about dad like that!” Her hand raised and met my cheek. Hard. That was the first hit i ever endoured by her. I shoved her out of my room and locked the door. I remember ripping everything off my walls, throwing everything off my desk and dresser and punching walls. Thats when i found the lighter and that was when i realized all my pain could go away with that.