They matter too

As sentimental as this might sound, men need to be reminded that they are humans, that they are allowed to feel. Table of Contents Foreword. 5 Men are man. 6 Men v Suicide. 8 Men v Societal expectations. 12 Men v Interpersonal conflicts. 15 A man is a man, a human. 17 Afterword. 20 About the author. 21 Copyright Tebogo Molefe 2023 All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher. ISBN-13: 9781234567890 ISBN-10: 1477123456 Printed in the Republic of South Africa         Foreword. This book is dedicated to the gents we lost due to any mental health disorders. To the gents who have not been feeling well but they still wake up and try to make a difference. To the families that lost their sons, brothers, uncles, and fathers to suicide. This is for the ones who attempted and failed, it’s going to be okay. This is for the ones who hide their stripes under their sleeves. This for the ones who hide their pain under their smiles and the good work they do for others. To My late Friend, I am sorry. I would like to give thanks to God and my ancestors for the gift of life and more. My mother, my late father, my brothers, my sister, my nephew, my partner, my friends, and my colleagues To the reader, thank you for your support, Happy triggering. Men are man. How do you define a man? Is a man defined by his morals and principles? Or by his attitude, conduct and behaviour? Or perhaps by how much he is worth? Maybe a man is defined by how he treats his family, friends, and strangers. There are too many and complicated definitions of what a man is or supposed to be, it all depends on who you are, how you were raised and what kind of environment are you in. One thing for sure, everyone has their own view about what a man is or supposed to be. Even men themselves. There can never be a universal definition of what is a man, one that we can all agree on. Everywhere you go, there is another definition of a man, either slightly different or totally different from what you know. In present time, being born a male no longer means you are a man. We live in a system where everyone can identify as man. Being male is no longer a prerequisite for one to be man. I fully support that everyone has the right to decide what they want to identify as, and that right should be protected and never be taken for granted. It is, however, more difficult to define what a man is now that one cannot include body features in their definitions. So, what is a man? How is a man defined? Perhaps a man is defined by their character and personality. If so, how many kinds of man exist? Considering the many kinds of personalities and characters there are. I used to find it difficult to define what a man is, and I think that this is where most of the issues that we face stem from. They stem from the fact so many of us are so confused about what a man is or supposed to be. If you really think about it, the answer to the question is simple and sentimental. The answer to this question is one that help us find real solutions to the problems that we face as society. The answer to this question is the answer to our problems. The answer to fighting GBV, d**g and alcohol a***e, crime, and the high suicide rate amongst men. It is an answer that does not need campaigns or workshops. It is an intimate answer that needs you and everyone else to reflect on, alone. It needs us to remember.   Men v Suicide Pause and reflect, how many men from your community do you know that have committed suicide? If you have had the chance to find out, what was the reason they committed? How many of your guy friends have attempted to commit? How many times did they attempt? Why did they even attempt in the first place? South Africa is one of the top countries that have high men suicide rates and teen suicide rates. Those men are not stats or numbers, they are humans who were hurting or are hurting. Reaching that “This is it” point is the most painful stage in a human life. Take it from someone who has attempted 4 times. It is probably one of the most excruciating pains and, ideally, no one needs to reach that point or must go through that. Making peace with the fact that you have tried to fight but you have lost, making peace with the fact that you are giving it all up, your dreams, goals, and your loved ones. One does not just wake up decide to end their life, it takes months or even years of battle. The most uncomfortable truth is men talk, suicidal people talk. They do not just give hints, but they talk. Some of us have found comfort in lying to ourselves that we wish our loved ones would have confided while we were fully aware of the battles they were facing. Reflect again, think about how many times someone, anyone, could be a friend, a sibling, or a parent, told you how hard their life is, and how they wished things could be better. Think about how many times you have told someone, anyone, could be your friend, sibling or even a parent, how much you wish things could better, that life could be better. When men decide not to talk, a lot of factors played a role. They were either ignored, bashed, or gossiped about by people they trusted. The advice that they get from people they confide in also play a role in their decision to commit suicide. The signs are always there. -        The risky behaviours -        The heavy drinking -        The heavy smoking -        The distancing from loved ones -        The loss of interest -        The inconsistency of moods and emotions -        The inconsistency of appetite Truth be told, when people, especially men, go through the inconsistency of moods and emotions they become undesirable and hard to tolerate. Many close to them tend to either push them away or distance themselves from them. Like I said, one does not wake up and decide to end their life. There is an illness that the black community refuses to acknowledge and so it remains untreated. Depression is where everything starts and if not treated it can lead up to suicide. Usually, or commonly, depression is often associated with women, and this is relevant because women seek professional help compared to men. This does not necessarily men do not suffer from it; they just do not seek professional help. There is a stigma that is attached to men who are depressed, usually by other depressed men and women. This stigma is the reason why many men lose their lives. The society that we live in is deliberately, through its systems, letting a black man down.  Men suffer from depression too. It is the cruellest illness especially because treating it is expensive. The Truth is talking to someone about it is, helpful, but not enough. There are different types of healing mechanisms that are being used to effectively deal with depression, and those include but are not limited to -        Antidepressants -        Psychiatrist consultations -        Psychologist consultation -        Social worker consultations -        Occupational therapist -        Support group therapy All these methods are financially and emotionally taxing, even during that process, if one does not have support, it may drain them, and they will decide to quit. The reality is that an average black man cannot even afford these counselling services even if they wanted to attend. Black men find other alternatives so that they can numb the pain that they are battling and cannot talk about. The most obvious being Drugs and alcohol. The danger about this is addiction. It will reach a point where they cannot live without either of these. Families tend to cut them off when it reaches that point, which leads them to find other ways of getting money to buy these drugs and alcohol. Crime and risky behaviours. All they ever wanted was to numb the pain. Same with a suicidal person, all they want is to numb the pain.     Men v Societal expectations The world expects so much from men, even from a 10-year-old boy. Being born a man is much more a burden than it is a blessing. Men are born to a system that is already designed to swallow them, a system that drains them, and a system that is ready and quick to bash and diminish them. “A man is a protector” The discussions around protection are always centred around men being the protectors. In most cases, believe it or not, men need protection from the women that they are supposed to protect. A lot of men have childhood traumas which were results of child molestation from older women. It is most likely that the boy child will not talk about that s****l experience due to the fear of being stigmatized by the same women. They learn ways, toxic ways, to deal with the trauma. Most of them grow up hating women, some want vengeance, some grow up angry for not being able to protect themselves from that awful experience. “A man is a provider.” For a man to be a man, they must be able to provide for their families. This is a toxic notion that leads a lot of innocent men into depression and desperation. This notion leads a lot of young, black men, right into the life of crime, violence, and alcohol and d**g a***e. A lot of young men had to quit chasing their dreams because they had to “man up” and take care of their families. They have had to leave school and seek employment at tender ages. Think about it, how many in your community do you know? How many more do you think there are out there? What kind of employment is one expected to get with no qualifications and no experience? How much money are they are going to make from the kind of employment that they find and how many heads are they supposed to take care of? “Indoda ayikhali” This notion has broken a lot of men. What are men supposed to do when they hurt? This notion has invalidated men’s feelings and trapped them into a vicious circle that includes alcohol and d**g a***e, violence, and emotional instability. The notion, which directly translate to “men don’t cry”, is a very toxic and old notion that is so popular in black communities. This notion is used to e*****e and trap black men into believing that their feelings are invalid, and they should not even feel. This has taken away the human nature that men possess just like women. Humanity is to feel, and if you are told not to feel then you are being stripped off your humanity and there is no way one will behave like a human if they do not feel like a human. The society is responsible for the damage that we see today. It is not up to men only to “fix”, everyone has role to play to undo the damage that was created by the systems that we accepted and adopted without even questioning them. We have lost a sense of humanity. We no longer care, we no longer love, we longer understand. Men are man not because of what they can provide, not because of their net worth. Men are man because they feel, because they have emotions.   Men v Interpersonal conflicts   The society has focussed, invested so much, in punishing men for their mistakes when all that effort can be channelled in supporting men deal with their unresolved hurt, which was, one way or another, caused by the systems that we have created in our homes and communities. Reflect, if you are a man reading this, how many traumas are you silently dealing with? And if you are a woman, how many men do you know that have demons that they are battling? Almost every man is dealing with themselves. The society thinks that alcohol is the problem, or perhaps the government is not doing enough, or the police are not visible enough, but the truth is that alcohol is not to be entirely blamed, men need to be given facilities in which they can deal with their issues in a safe and a professional manner. One uncomfortable truth is that society has built economies using broken men. The reason why society probably does not invest in helping men unroot the real unsolved generational and personal hurt is that the healing of men would mean the collapse of these economies. It is through toxic masculinities that many countries managed to convince men to go to wars. A lot of traumas were adopted from those wars. Many veterans are alcohol and d**g addicts due to the painful memories which were embedded in their minds during the wars. Many sons grew up without proper or no father figures because the lives of their fathers were lost during the wars. The society is not kind towards men. A man is a man, a human. Men are human. Capable of feeling, capable of having emotions. Men are not immune to pain, they hurt too. Not because they are weak but because they are human. It is human to feel happy, sad, or angry.  The worst injustice that men are subjected to is the notion that, especially in black communities, “Indoda ayikhali”, which simply translates to “Men don’t cry”. This is the notion that promotes that men should bottle their feelings up and it has crippled men and ultimately the society. The society is being led by hurt and emotionally unavailable men. The solution to the many problems, which men are the perpetrators for, is giving men their human nature back. The solution to drugs and alcohol a***e, the violence against women and children, Men to men violence, r**e, and high rates of suicide amongst men starts with allowing and letting men heal. Men are bleeding. Men are hurting. Traditions, norms, and systems have invalidated men’s feelings for such a long time that talking about feelings seems like a foreign thing or feminine thing to do, when in fact it is not. The patriarchal system did not do men justice, it took their ability to be human away. This is a system that is generations old, and to undo it can never be achieved overnight. We do not need a system anymore to undo the damage. What is needed are basic human principles. kindness, care, and love. We do not have to spend million on these. We do not have to campaign for these. There is no need for any policies, laws, and legislations. As sentimental as this might sound, men need to be reminded that they are humans, that they are allowed to feel. Men need to know that they matter too. Men need to know that their feelings are valid. Remind men that they are important. Remind men to go easy on themselves. Remind men to love themselves. Tell men that it’s ok. Love Black men. Afterword   Although the inspiration is from a trigger, writing this piece has been my absolute pleasure and every second that I spent on it was worth it. I hope that this gift, from my heart to yours, will empower and inspire you to be kind but most importantly to inspire you to hold on a little longer. You never know what tomorrow holds. Yours truly,  Tebogo Molefe. About the author Mr. Molefe is a personal development, mental health and youth activist from Sol Plaatjie, Durban deep, West of Johannesburg. He is also the founder and the executive president of Hope-Tshepo NPO (266-799), a non-profit organization that exist to advocate for young people in disadvantaged township. Molefe also runs a personal development blog that aims to raise awareness about the importance of taking care of one's mental health. He is passionate about helping young people from his community. He is spearheading an economic development programme that will benefit young, unemployed and talented people from his community. Molefe is currently enrolled for his Bachelor of Laws (LLB) from the University of South Africa, he aspires to be a human right advocate upon completion. Many describe him as someone who finds pleasure from helping people, this is seen from how committed in helping his peers from the community.