Epiphany

While I breath, I hope HANNAH "You look so beautiful, hija," an elegant woman said with a curt smile on her face. She's one of my mother's amiga.  'Not as beautiful as you, Madam' is what I should be saying but I chose to force myself to smile at her then bowed my head. I nervously fidgeted with the skirt of my gown and wished for all of these to be finally over. I want the comfort of my room. I want to be alone in the confinement of my own space. I am feeling suffocated with all these people around me. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to take deep breaths to calm myself. I shouldn't be having anxiety attacks. I now have control of myself... my emotions. Right. This is normal. It is normal that I am feeling suffocated. I've been alone for more than four years. Feeling scared around people is normal. I shouldn't worry because I am still normal. But the people... Do they think that I am normal?  I tried to lift my head to check on the reaction of the woman trying to talk to me. I saw how she grimaced. She's having an expression that gave out her judgement of me. She thinks that I shouldn't be here. She thinks that I am disgusting. I looked around me. There are people whispering to each other while giving me ridiculous looks. They're talking ill of me. I am sure. Some were bold enough to shamelessly showed how disgusted they're of my existence. My mouth parted. I can feel my heart constricting. It felt like air has been sucked out from my lungs. The walls are closing in.  I don't want to stay here. They will hurt me. No, Hannah! It's all in your head. It's your anxiety speaking. Wake up! My hands balled into fists. I can't breath. Someone said something, but I can't understand. It was as if it came from a distance. The music and chattering around me sounded like buzz and rings which irritates my ears. I am almost losing my consciousness and was about to scream when a hand on my shoulder made me jump. "Are you alright, hija?" "E-Excuse me," I said then I hurriedly walked out of the function room. Mom tried to call me but I didn't mind her. I continued walking away from this hell hole. I want my peace. "Hannah," Mom caught my hand. "I need some air. Please!" I said in a firm tone then I snatched my hand from her. I caught a glimpse of the people around me... who doesn't give a damn about me. It was really just on my mind. I reached the garden of the hotel. I took deep breaths and desperately tried to calm myself. I am the only one who can help myself. I am the one who has control over my mind. It took me a while before I noticed the vibrations on my purse. I fished for my phone and saw that my brother is calling. "Kuya," I answered his call. "Hey, Han. Where are you?" Kuya gently asked. I smiled. His gentle voice was enough for my tears to freely fall on my cheeks. Kuya Frigate is always my comfort zone. "N-Nasa garden, Kuya," my voice shook. "Mom called me. Sinabihan ko s'ya na h'wag ka na munang kulitin," Kuya gently explained. "Do you want me to pick you up?" I bit my lip. I want that. I don't want to be alone, pero ayoko rin na may lumapit na iba. Kuya is the only person I want to let in. He has his ways to calm my mind. He knows how to be around me. Unlike Mom, hindi n'ya ako pinipilit na sabihin ang nasa isip ko, o ang bumabagabag sa akin. Kuya let me decide. Kuya let me on my own pace. He never force me to be alright. He's letting me breath my own air and feel my own pain. He let me move in my own rhythm. "O-Okay lang ba?" I sobbed. "Of course, Hannah," Kuya chuckled. "I'll be there in a few. Kakatapos ko lang sa rounds ko at tapos na rin naman ang duty ko." "O-Okay. Ingat sa pag-drive," nahihiyang sabi ko at tinapos na ang tawag. I looked up at the sky. It's dull. Just like my life. I slowly walked in the green carpet of grass, careful because I am wearing a three-inches heels Mom chose for me. I busied my mind counting my slow steps. I've been confined in a mental institute. I've been alone for so long. I've been by myself for so long that I don't know if I will ever be fine being free like this. How much ironic life could be? This is suppose to be freedom, but I feel suffocated. Mas nakakulong pa ang pakiramdam ko sa ngayon kaysa noong naka-confine pa ako. Mas malaya ako noong nasa loob lang ako ng apat na sulok ng silid ko. Right now, I feel like there's a leash on me. My every move is carefully being watched. I am having a nightmare of anxiety. I am always at the verge of breaking down. I never thought that freedom can be this suffocating. I want to run back to the institute and lock myself up at the confinement of my room. I want the peace of silence. I want the tranquility of being alone. I never worry about others' judgements. I never worry about people's opinion of me. I never worry about how others will see me. I never worry about anything but how to pass another day. I am losing myself more and more. I want to run away from this. I want to give this freedom up. I want to beg them to just lock me up. I feel more safe. I feel more of myself. I feel more... free. I cried my misery. I shouldn't be this selfish! Mom and Kuya were always worried of me. More than anyone, they're the ones who wished for my discharge from the facility. They're so happy when I got out. Who am I to take that for granted? I took deep breaths to clear my mind. I don't want Kuya to be worried if he see me so broken. I should be fine. They know what's best for me. And this is the best for me. To struggle to get my life back. I took another deep breath then started counting my steps once more. I am on my five hundred and sixty ninth step when Kuya called me. He said that he's already on the hotel and he'll just greet Mom on the party then he'll look for me in the garden. To save some time, I said that we should just meet on the entrance. "Did I keep you waiting? Sorry," Kuya said with an apologetic smile when we met at the hotel's reception. He carefully held my elbow then guided me out. "Kakarating ko lang din naman dito," I replied then I held on his arm. Dinala ako ni Kuya sa paborito kong fast food restaurant. He ordered my favorite spaghetti and fried chicken, with fries on the side and chocolate sundae. "Don't eat the chicken skin," Kuya reminded after opening the gravy container for me. I giggled. "Yes, Doc." "I know you're starving. Hindi naman kasi masarap ang mga pagkain sa pinupuntahan ni Mommy," Kuya winked then started giving attention to his own foods. I giggled. I know that he's only trying to lighten up my mood. Masarap naman kasi ang mga pagkain kanina. Hindi lang ako makakain nang maayos dahil hindi ako komportable. After eating, Kuya asked if I want to watch a movie. "Nakakahiya naman," I pouted. I lifted the skirt of my night gown. Kuya laughed. "You haven't thought of that when we ate." I pouted some more. Napipikon na hinataw ko s'ya sa braso. "I can buy you casual clothes if you want, Hannah," Kuya chuckled while patting my head. I shook my head. "Uwi na tayo." "Alright," Kuya smiled after watching my reaction. He opened the shotgun seat of his car for me. "Malapit na ang engagement party mo," I said while Kuya's busy driving. "Hm," he smiled. "I am excited." "Do you love her?" I asked while watching the side of his face. "Marron? Yeah. I won't ask her hand if not, Hannah," he chuckled. I licked my lips. "Or you only want to marry her because Mom likes her?" Kuya's brows moved. He gave me a quick glance. "What are you talking about?" I bit my lower lip. I don't know if it's all on my mind or my Kuya Frigate is not genuinely happy with his fiancée. Whenever he talks about her, it was as if he's convincing himself as well. He's convincing himself that he's so in love. Parang pinipilit n'ya lang naman. Sure, he's happy, but there's something missing. I don't know if I am just a hopeless romantic, or Kuya's eyes are not sparkling while he talks about her. When Dad was still alive, his face radiated happiness whenever he talks about Mom. And his smiles for Mom were all genuine. Watching him while he looks at Mom, it was clear that he's deeply in love. And my brother is not showing that with Ate Marron. Kaya pakiramdam ko ay napipilitan lang s'ya. Pakiramdam ko ay idinidikta lang sa kanya. "Can you see yourself happy with her?" I asked. My fingers fidgeted with each other on the seatbelt. "What are your plans after the wedding?" Kuya chuckled. "We'll cross the bridge when we get there. We just want things to fall on their right places." Matagal na nakatitig lang ako sa Kuya ko. There's a sadness in his eyes. "You're not happy," I concluded. Kuya made face. "You're just imaging things, Hannah." He lightly chuckled then reached on my side to ruffle my hair. I sighed. Maybe. "Wow. You look so beautiful," Mom gave me a wide smile. I returned her smile. Kapag sinasabihan ako na maganda, pakiramdam ko ay sinasabi lang iyon sa akin para gumaan ang loob ko. Hindi naman totoo. What is beauty anyway? Ano ba ang basehan para masabi iyon sa isang tao? And how true words can be? I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I am on a baby pink lacy cocktail gown. My hair was expertly styled in nice big curls and my makeup looks neat and simple. The way I want it. Sabay kaming bumaba ni Mommy sa sala kung saan naghihintay na si Kuya. He took my hand then gave it a gentle squeeze. "Wow. You look like a princess," Kuya charmingly said. I curtly smiled at him. We went to the car waiting for us. The drive was a bit long. Mom and Kuya were talking about medical stuffs. I looked out the window. I was once a nursing student. I once dreamed to be on the medical field. My Dad was a cardiologist and my Mom's a pediatrician. Growing up, I admired them both and dreamed to be a hero like them. I closed my eyes and let the memory slip off my mind. Mom wants me to resume studying. I don't know if I want that for myself. I will be too old for my classmates. What will be their opinion of me? What will happen if they find out that I was once in a mental institution? What if they think that I am crazy? "Hannah?" Kuya gently called. I blinked couple of times. "Y-Yes?" Kuya gave me a worried look. "We're here," he held out a hand to me. My lips parted. I moved to my seat then received Kuya's hand. I let him help me alight the car. Mom's already looking at the mansion in front of us. I can't explain the knots in my stomach. This place looks familiar but my mind refused to acknowledge the recognition. My ears shut off when Kuya said something about the house and its owners. My mind refused to process everything. It was like I was thrown in a sink hole, shutting my senses and logic.  Mom and I were on Kuya's each arms when we walked inside the grand mansion. We were greeted by a pair. The hospitable woman welcoming us looks familiar. My heart skipped some beats. I feel like the walls were closing in. I feel like there were thorns on my feet. My skin started to feel itchy.  Exchange of pleasantries happened. I forced myself to smile. I wish it turned out fine. I didn't comprehend what they were saying. I feel like drowning. I want to get out of here.  I felt Mom's hand on my back. I know I should function but I feel like floating. I can't even bat an eye. I just stood there. I tried to close my eyes to calm my mind. When I opened them a hand of a man is in front of me. I was startled. I don't know him. Why is he so close? I covered myself with my Kuya. He's the only one I can trust here. He's the only one who'll never hurt me. Calm down, Hannah! Don't ruin this for your brother. I took a deep breath. This is just a simple meet and greet. I will be fine. "I'm sorry," I whispered with a shaky voice. I'm sorry for being like this. I am feeling sorry for myself, and for all the people around me. They must be thinking that I am insane. Siguro alam nila ang nangyari sa akin. Siguro ay iniisip nila na hindi dapat ako nandito. A loud woman gave me a wide smile. Sa boses n'ya lang ako nahila mula sa mga bulong na lumulunod sa isip ko. "You must be Hannah. You look so beautiful, hija." I forced myself to smile at her. "Thank you," I simply said. That's all I can manage. Hindi ko kayang makipag-usap na katulad nila. I am starting to feel dizzy.  I just want to get out of here. To run away from all of the discomfort.  But this is Kuya's special day. I want to show him my support.  Marron's family continued introducing themselves. I simply stood there and smile. I thought that I am finally doing fine when I saw the face that I would never wish to see again. No matter how hard I try to deny it, my body shook with rage and fear. He's here! Skipper Clint Vergara. "No!" I took a sharp breath. "No! No! No!" I held my aching head. This can't be true. It's all in my head. It's all in my head. He's just in my head. Someone tried to hold me but I pushed anyone who dared. I am stronger now. Nobody can hurt me anymore. I am my own hero. I snatched the nearest object and with all might, I run towards the personification of my grief... my very own demise. I smacked the face of the devil with the first thing I managed to grab. This is all a nightmare and he should be gone with this. This is the very first time that I stood up for myself. Ngayon lang ako naging matapang na harapin s'ya. Ngayon lang ako hindi tumakbo. He frequent my mind and every time, I am running away from him. He hurts me like nobody else. He treated me like a trash. But I am done running away. I am stronger now. I have my freedom now. "You're a demon!" I shouted. "You're a demon, Clint!" I shouted louder. That's right. I can fight for myself now. Someone pushed me and I was thrown on the ground. Why? This is my world and I have control of it. Kuya and Mommy helped me on my feet. I can feel my body shaking. My blood boiling with rage and I want to curse the demon in front of me. Maybe I was weak because I tried to keep everything to myself? Baka kapag nasabi ko kila Mommy, mawawala na s'ya? Baka kailangan ko na ipaalam sa iba para makalaya na ako? I should let everything go. "That's him, Mommy," I bravely said to my mother. She had her arms around me, as if trying to protect me from all the harm. I saw Kuya charged at my demon. Like a knight. I cried so much. I thought that I am fine being alone, but having Mommy here protecting me, and Kuya fighting for me feels so much better. Much much better. And now, I feel so free. I let myself on rampage. This is a demon's turf and this should be in mess. It shouldn't deceive anymore. It should show how rotten he is. It should reflect how much of a devil he really is. I confronted him again. And as expected, he denied everything. He's really a cunning devil. He even have a perfect story to cover up his crime. "Schizophrenia," Marron said. "That's your sister's case," she cried. My world felt like it stopped spinning. Then it went wild and I got drown. "No!" And everything went blank.  "What did your Kuya say?" Mommy asked while watching me with worried expression. Kuya's not answering her calls, but he picked up my call. I tried to smile at my mother. "He's fine," I gently said. "He wants to be alone for now. He's asking for space, 'My." Kuya Frigate is obviously drunk, but I don't want to tell that to our mother. Mas mag-aalala lang si Mommy. After the scene I made on the engagement party, Kuya and Marron broke up. And I feel responsible and guilty about it. It's been three months and my brother has been distanced ever since. He stopped living his life. Alalang-alala na kami ni Mommy kay Kuya Frigate pero hindi naman namin alam kung ano ang magagawa namin para sa kanya. I want him to be happy... but I don't want him to be part of that demon's life. Marron is the demon's sister, and I don't want my brother to end up with her. Last time, I heard Mom talking to Tita Beatrice. She said that Marron got back with her ex-boyfriend - Trey Amante, and they're now engaged. Malandi s'ya. She's just as bad as her brother. My brother doesn't deserve that kind of woman. She didn't even try to fix things between her and Kuya. She just jumped back to her ex the first opportunity she got. Ni hindi n'ya yata kinausap si Kuya at tinapon na lang dahil may babalikan naman s'ya na iba. Or maybe, she just used my brother. Rebound? Ginamit lang para maibalik sa kanya si Trey Amante? They're evil! Wicked, cruel and selfish. And I just convinced myself that Kuya is really better without her. Their breakup is a blessing in disguise. But my brother is not okay, and it's my fault. I locked up myself inside my room. I am a poison. I tend to break everything and everyone around me. Kung hindi ako bumalik, they're probably married by now. "Han! Let's go out," Stella said in her usual loud voice. She pulled me from my bed then pushed me to my bathroom. Stella is my cousin. Kapatid ni Daddy ang mommy ni Stella na si Tita Beatrice. Stella has an older brother, si Kuya Barque, and an older sister, Ate Anicia. I was always submissive. Walang nagawang sumunod na lang ako sa gustong mangyari ni Stella. When I got out of the bathroom, she already chose my clothes. She picked lace pastel blue dress for me. "Hannah, You should buy new clothes. Madami nang new trends ngayon," Stella said while lazily going through my closet. Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Alam ko naman na s'ya ang masusunod sa gusto n'ya. Stella is bossing me around since we were kids. Nang makabihis na ako at naayos na ni Stellla ang buhok ko at nilagyan akong kaonting makeup, ay sabay na kaming bumaba. Mom's with Tita Beatrice and Ate Eve, Kuya Barque's wife. "Good morning po," I gently said then kissed their cheeks. I really feel awkward around my family. Kung ako ang masusunod, sa loob ng kwarto ko na lang ako. "Tita, Han and I will go out po. Mag-sa-shopping kami ng new clothes," Stella announced while we're having breakfast. "That's good!," Mommy exclaimed. "Go pamper yourselves." My mother was pleased with the idea of me going out. She's been convincing me to enjoy and to mingle with other people. Parang hindi n'ya ako naiintindihan na hindi pa ako handa. I am not comfortable spending time with other people. All I want is my peace with myself and my mind.  "Eve, you go with them. Kami na muna ang mag-aalaga kay Eden," Tita Beatrice said to her daughter-in-law. Eden is her three years old granddaughter. As agreed, we went to the mall after our breakfast. Eve drove for the three of us. Stella was busy with her phone and Eve was focused on driving so I got the chance to enjoy my peace with myself. I simply looked out the window and watched everything's moving outside.  What's freedom?  Some people are desperate for that freedom. Pero paano mo nga ba masasabi na may kalayaan ka? Na malaya ka?  I am now free from the institute and my treatment, but what I am feeling right now is far from being free. I don't know how to define what freedom is but I know that it's far from what I am feeling right now.  Life is a cage itself. I feel bounded by everything my life entailed. Freedom, whatever it is, is just a distant dream. A vague idea.  We met with Ciara and Vivian on a mall. They're our cousins. Their father, Tito Benedict is Dad's eldest brother.  We first went to boutiques to shop for clothes. I simply went along with them then tried to entertain myself with the clothes.  I am not fond of shopping. Kahit noon pa ay hinahayaan ko lang si Mommy na bumili ng mga damit para sa akin. I am fine with whatever. I trust her taste. "Bagay 'to sa'yo, Hannah," Ate Eve showed me a dress. It's a light yellow three-fourths sleeved dress. It's nice and modest. "Ate, puro ganyan na ang mga damit ni Hannah!" Stella butted in. "Parang sinukahan ng unicorn ang closet n'ya na puro pastel and light colors dresses!" She rolled her eyes. "What she need are dark colored clothes. Shorts, skirts, pants, and shirts." "Hanging blouse, cropped top, ripped jeans, and midriff?" Ciara laughed. "That's basically your wardrobe, Stel. Don't put your style on Hannah." Stella rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Hannah should try to go out... really out! Like clubbing, party, something fun and exciting." "I agree with that," Eve said. "Hannah should explore." In the end, they decided which clothes to buy for me. After shopping, we deposited the shopping bags on our car. We had our lunch on an Italian restaurant. These people are my family, but I feel awkward around them. During lunch they talked about stuffs that I can't relate to. I feel out of place. I feel like I am forcing myself to their circle. I feel that I don't have to be here. Vivian and Ciara decided to have their hair treated while Stella wants to visit a nail salon. Naghiwalay na muna kami. Ate Eve and I went with Stella. The day continued with all the self-pampering activities. Nagpa-full body wax kami, hair treatment, eye lashes extensions, and ended the day with a full body massage. It's relaxing. "Good thing na rin na nakapag-ganito tayo ngayon. I'm sure the next days will be busy for us," Eve sighed. "Mama's in-charge for this year's Christmas party. We'll be very busy." Stella dramatically sipped on her cup of tea. "I'm sure you can handle that." I smiled as I saw how Eve rolled her eyes. Barque and Eve were just starting their relationship when I entered the facility. Barque was a popular guy back then, and he was a known playboy. Natutuwa naman ako na si Eve na ang nakapagpabago sa pinsan ko. They look so happy together and they now have Eden, their cute baby girl.  Stella is the girl version of Barque. Being the youngest, she's spoiled and a brat. What she wants, she would get. We're two opposite characters, but I am close to Stella. I'm a year older than her, but because of her strong personality and my timid attitude, ako pa ang palaging pinapasunod n'ya. I remembered how Stella would always stood up for me during elementary days. S'ya ang palaging nagtatanggol sa akin sa mga bully. When she was sent abroad with Ate Anicia, I decided to be homeschooled during my high school days. I don't have the confidence to be by myself. At sana pala, hindi na lang talaga ako nangahas. Sana ay hindi na lang ako sumubok. Dahil nang ginawa ko, napahamak lang ako. Nasira ang lahat sa akin. I shook my head to dismiss the thoughts. I don't need to be always reminded of my stupidity. Days passed by that I feel like I'm barely living. December is my least favorite month of the year. There are gatherings, reunions, and parties every here and there. I feel suffocated and drowning in trying to be with people. I hate it every time that they're giving me attention. I hate the pity in their eyes. I fear their judgment. They're making me anxious. They make me feel so little. I hate it. Kuya Frigate was missing in action in all our family occasions. Nobody dared ask where he is since everybody knew what happened last September. We understood his situation and his desire for personal space. I am worried for my brother, and my guilt is eating me, but on his last call he assured me that he's alright. He even talked about a girl he's with. And he sounded happy while we talk over the phone. He even greeted me in a video call. The days of festivities passed by. January came and as what my mother wanted, I started arranging my papers for the enrollment on next school year. I went on my previous university. I withdrew my papers and chose a different university and inquired if I could still resume where I left. I was a little relieved when the subjects I already passed were accounted for. At least I won't start from scratch. I went back the next month for an entrance exam. I waited for the results and I was told that I was accepted and can enroll for the third year of my program BS Nursing. Unfortunately, some of my minor subjects were not credited so I have to retake it on this university. I busied myself with my enrollment and everything. I simply let the days drag by. Kuya Frigate came back and because our family is friends with the owner of the hospital he's working in, he got his clinic back in spite of his absences without notice. I am always visiting my brother. I want to make sure that he's really alright. He seems fine but there's sadness behind his smile. Whenever I try asking him about the woman he said he fell in love within a month, he's dismissing me. Stella and our other cousins got me occupied the whole of summer. Madalas na niyaya ako ni Stella sa mga travel n'ya. Madalas lang din naman na nagkukulong ako sa room namin at hindi na n'ya ako masyadong kinukulit dahil abala s'ya sa mga kaibigan n'ya o 'di kaya'y sa mga activities n'ya. At marahil ay batid n'ya na masisira ko lang ang mood n'ya dahil hindi ko naman masasakyan ang lahat ng trip n'yang gawin. Hindi ko s'ya kayang sabayan. If not with Stella, si Mommy naman ang madalas na kasama ko sa mga travel. We went into countries to have a vacation. Nakasama pa namin si Kuya Frig nang pumunta kami ng Maldives. We stayed there for a week. That's my favorite part of summer because I feel calm whenever I am with Kuya. He's the only one who knows how I want people to act around me. Pakiramdam ko, si Kuya lang ang may respeto sa gusto ko at gumagalang sa kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. He never force me to be someone I am not, or to act according to how I was suppose to act. He's the only person who's not forcing me to be okay. Summer ends and school year starts. I did my best to live my life. I tried to be how I used to be. I am scared and nervous. I did my best to be as unnoticeable as possible. I was the wallflower and I feel safe about it. And all I can do is to hope that I'll be fine. This is not the life I want or dreamed to have, but this is the only way of living that's bearable to me. Because much as I hate to admit it, I already gave up on life. I honestly don't think that I am living anymore. That devil took life away from me. He killed me years ago. And I don't know how to be resurrected.