Epiphany

Audere Est Facere

To dare is to do.

HANNAH

Carrack was already waiting on the parking lot of the campus when I stepped out of my last class for today. It's not the first time he's picking me up from school. Nakakalabas-masok s'ya rito sa campus dahil binigyan s'ya ng pass ni Icen. I don't know if Icen knows what's between the two of us, but I want to entrust everything to Carrack. 

We're not in any sort of relationship so there's nothing to tell. 

Selene already graduated last semester and is now working on a software company. Madalang ko na s'yang nakakasama dahil nag-a-adjust pa s'ya sa trabaho n'ya at kung may pagkakataon naman na magiging libre s'ya ay inilalaan n'ya iyon para kay Kuya Frigate. Which is understandable since they're doing a long distance relationship. 

Kuya was accepted in a fellowship program in New Jersey. I kind of feel sad for the both of them since they just got back together. Pero pinapakita naman nilang dalawa na kaya nila at masaya pa rin sila. They're juggling their careers and relationship awesomely. 

Without Selene around me, Carrack is always picking me up whenever he got the chance. Lalo pa kung ganito na alas otso ng gabi ang uwi ko. 

Palapit na ako sa sasakyan n'ya nang bumaba si Carrack mula sa driver's side para pagbuksan ako ng pinto ng passenger's seat. He's wearing his charming smile on his face. 

"Good evening, my lady," he greeted with a lopsided smile. 

I giggled. "Good evening." Pumasok na ako sa loob ng sasakyan n'ya at agad naman isinara ni Carrack ang pinto sa gilid ko at umikot para sa driver's seat. 

"Have you had your dinner?" Carrack asked while we're fixing our seatbelts. 

I shook my head. "I only had salad before my last class."

Madalas kasi na tuwing Thursday at alas otso ang uwi ko, sinusundo ako ni Carrack at sabay kaming kumakain ng dinner. Kung hindi ako masusundo ni Carrack o nauna na s'yang maghapunan, sa bahay na lang ako kakain. 

"Good. We can have dinner together," Carrack smiled at me. Inabot n'ya pa ang mukha ko para magaang na pisilin ang pisngi ko. 

Natatawang tinampal ko ang kamay n'ya. "Ang oily na ng mukha ko," nahihiyang sabi ko. Hindi na kasi ako dumaan ng powder room pagkalabas ng classroom dahil nag-text na si Carrack na nandito na s'ya. Bukod sa ayoko s'yang mas paghintayin pa, excited din ako na makita s'ya. 

"Are you fine with Ramen?" He asked while maneuvering his car out of the parking space. 

"It's fine," I replied. Kumuha ako ng wet wipes sa bag ko para punasan ang mukha ko. "Wala nga pala akong pasok bukas. May event kasi para sa mga freshmen kaya nag-send lang ng gagawing activity sa portal namin," kuwento ko kay Carrack. 

"I can skip work tomorrow. Gusto mong mamasyal?" 

I pouted. "H'wag na. 'Di ba nasa turnover stages pa kayo?" 

Carrack chuckled. "Yeah. Baka lang naman gusto mo."

"Don't sacrifice for me. Naiintindihan ko naman ang mga kailangan mong gawin. It's for your career."

"Hmm..." Carrack bit his lower lip. 

"What?" natatawang tanong ko.

He shook his head. May masuyong ngiti sa kanyang labi at mabilis na sumulyap pa s'ya sa akin. 

Dang! He's so cute. 

"Since you have no classes tomorrow, can you be home late for tonight?" 

I nodded. "Magpapaalam lang ako kay Mommy." 

"Hanggang gaano ka-late?" 

Kumunot ang noo ko. "As long as I want," I giggled. "I'm twenty eight already, Carrack. Kahit nga hindi ako umuwi ay okay lang naman. As long as my mother knows where I am."

"Let's go to Tagaytay?" he smirked. 

My eyes widened. "Hindi ka ba pagod? At may pasok ka pa bukas."

He shook his head. May mayabang na ngisi s'ya sa labi. "As long as you're fine with it, I'm good. And weekend is two sleeps away anyway. I'll be fine," he said. "And it's not everyday that we got the chance to be together. Why not grab the opportunity for a unplanned out of town?"

Nag-isip na muna ako bago pumayag. Kung sa bagay, bihira kami magkaroon ng oras para sa ganito. Hindi naman siguro masama ang biglaang lakad. 

After almost two hours of driving, we arrived at a cozy bulalo house in Tagaytay. Carrack lent me his hoodie because it's a little chilly outside. 

"Are we having a feast?" I chuckled after Carrack ordered foods for us. 

Carrack's hearty laugh filled my heart with so much warmth. He's so genuine. And I know that I am already in love with this person. Four months is all I need to confirm my affection. 

Busog na busog ako nang matapos kami sa pagkain. We stayed on the terrace of the restaurant overlooking a beautiful scenery. It's almost eleven in the evening and I am chilling. Medyo manipis ang tela ng blouse ng uniform ko kaya naman hindi na nakapagtataka na nilalamig ako kahit pa may hoodie na nakabalot sa akin. 

"Want me to hug you?" Carrack asked while watching me shiver. We're standing side by side. 

"Aren't you cold yourself?" nangangatog na tanong ko. 

Carrack is on his black slacks, leather shoes and purple button down shirt. Nakatupi pa hanggang siko ang mga manggas ng damit n'ya. Mukhang manipis lang din ang tela ng damit n'ya. 

"I'm good," he chuckled. "Selene and I got this tolerance of low temperature from our Dad. Hindi kami masyadong ginawin."

Napataas ang kilay ko. Napansin ko nga iyon kay Selene. Whenever we're sleeping together, nanginginig na ako sa ginaw, hindi pa s'ya nagkukumot. Kay Carrack naman, sobrang lakas n'ya mag aircon sa sasakyan. 

"Must be good to be like you," I teased. 

I giggled when Carrack rolled his eyes. "Hindi nakakatuwa na maging pawisin," reklamo n'ya. 

Bigla akong napayakap lalo sa sarili ko at nanginig nang umihip ang hangin. 

Carrack titled his head. "Want some hug?"

Ilang sandali na nagkatitigan kami. 

I know that this is Carrack and he's not going to violate me. This man respects me. Kaya nga kahit ang paghawak sa kamay ko o kahit na anong pisikal na paghawak sa akin ay inihihingi n'ya ng permiso. I shouldn't worry. 

Hindi na ako sumagot at ako na ang nagsara ng kaonting distansya sa pagitan namin. I wrapped my arms around his waist. 

"You're so warm," I murmured on his chest. 

Carrack slowly snaked his arms on me. Naramdaman ko rin ang pagpatong n'ya ng baba sa ibabaw ng ulo ko. "You feel so soft."

We stayed like that for some moment until I moved so I can watch the view again. Carrack shifted our position until he's back-hugging me. My hands were tucked on the pockets of the hoodie while he is sniffing on my hair. 

I never thought that this will bring me so much comfort and sense of security. 

With Carrack's arms around me, I feel like nobody can harm me. 

And I can only feel this security with this man. I am at ease with him. 

As much as I wish for the moment not to end, we have to go home. 

"Thank you," I said with a sweet smile. Nasa tapat na kami ng bahay at magkaharap habang nagngingitian. 

I jumped a little when Stella suddenly opened the gate. "It's past twelve already. Where have you been? Kanina pa kita hinihintay," nakataas ang isang kilay na tanong ng pinsan ko. She's eyeing me suspiciously. 

"We had dinner on Tagaytay," Carrack explained. 

"Just the two of you?" Stella asked while looking at me. 

"Selene!" mabilis na sabi ko. I hate lying but I don't want to explain things to Stella. I love her, but she can be over curious and too nosy at times. "We're with Selene," I lied. 

"Oh? Alright." Stella shrugged then went inside the gate. 

I heaved a sigh of relief. 

"Hmm." Carrack frowned at me but doesn't say anything. 

"T-Thank you," I said with a bowed head. I feel ashamed that I lied. 

"Always welcome," he chuckled. "I'll be going. Good night." 

Tumalikod na si Carrack at pumasok ng sasakyan n'ya. Hindi tulad noon na hihintayin n'ya muna akong makapasok, pinaandar na n'ya agad ang sasakyan n'ya. 

I feel bad that I offended him. 

I planned to send a message to Carrack to apologize and to explain myself, but I have Stella with me on my room. Ayoko na magduda s'ya kung mag-te-text ako kaya pinigilan ko na lang ang sarili ko. 

When my phone vibrated for a message, nakisilip din si Stella sa screen ko. It was a simple text from Carrack. 

I'm home. 

I bit my lip then typed my reply. 

Thanks again for today. Sweet dreams. 

Nang ma-send ko iyon ay inilalim ko na ang phone ko sa unan. 

"Selene's brother is hot," Stella giggled beside me. When I turned my attention to her, I saw how she's stalking Carrack's IG profile. 

Bahagyang nakaramdam ako ng inis dahil sa paghanga ng pinsan ko kay Carrack. I feel pissed because I know how Stella is whenever she took interest with someone. 

But what can I do? I can't even own him. 

Not yet. 

Itinulog ko na lang ang lahat ng mga alalahanin ko. 

The next days became busy for Carrack and their company. Naging abala rin ako dahil sa midterm exams. Kung gagabihin ako ng uwi, susunduin pa rin ako ni Carrack para lang maihatid sa bahay. Nang mapagtanto ko na masyado s'yang abala ay sa driver na ako nagpapasundo at ipinilit kay Carrack na h'wag na s'yang mag-abala na kuhain pa ako sa school. Malayo rin kasi ang bahay namin sa bahay nila. 

I had a long weekend by the end of the midterms. Dahil parehong abala sila Selene at Carrack, nanatili na lang ako sa bahay namin. 

I was on my cotton shorts and Carrack's hoodie while watching a television series on my room. Wala naman akong magawa kaya pinanood ko na lang itong series na suggested ni Ciara. 

"Hannah!" 

Napabalikwas ako ng bangon mula sa pagkakahiga sa kama ko nang marinig ang malakas na boses ni Stella. Hindi nagtagal ay biglang bumukas ang pinto ng silid ko at deretso s'yang nagmartsa papasok. 

"What are you wearing?" taas na taas ang kilay na tanong n'ya. 

I felt like a deer caught in a headlight. I don't know if I should tell her about Carrack and I. Pero ano naman ang sasabihin ko? Wala naman kaming relasyon. Sasabihin ko ba na naghihintayan kami? 

Does what we have call a 'Mutual Understanding'? 

Before I could even sprout a lie, Stella dismissively waved her hand. "Anyway... let's get out!"

Napaahon ako mula sa kama nang ibagsak ni Stella ang katawan doon. She smirked at me then gave me a teasing grin. 

"S-Saan naman tayo pupunta?" Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan sa titig ni Stella. 

"Spa? Salon?" Stella started fidgeting with her phone. "Anywhere. Then let's go party tonight."

Napipilitan na pinatay ko na ang pinapanood ko at nagligpit ng mga kalat sa kama ko. 

"Maliligo lang ako," walang gana sa sabi ko at iniwan na si Stella. I went inside the bathroom then took a quick shower. Nang makaligo ay nag-ayos na ako ng mukha. 

For someone who's not fond of makeup, Selene taught me skin care and the basics of applying make up. Cleanser, toner, moisturizer, cream... everything. 

After my routine, I went out of the bathroom then on my closet. Since Stella is already on a black bustiere, latex skater skirt and combat boots, I chose to wear a red halter strap bodysuit and black tulip skirt, and black ankle strap heels. Pants sana ang isusuot ko pero gusto ko na ipares sa pinsan ko kaya ito na lang ang pinili ko. 

Napabangon si Stella nang lumabas ako sa walk-in closet. Kulang na lang ay umilaw ang mga mata n'ya. "f**k! I'm so proud of you, Han!" 

Hindi ko mapigilan na matawa sa pinsan ko. 

"s**t! We need to selfie!" excited na sabi ni Stella. "Let's fix your hair na!"

Nagpahila na lang ako kay Stella. Iniupo n'ya ako sa harap ng dresser ko at sinimulan na ang pag-blower ng buhok ko na medyo basa pa. 

"I like your fashion now. Lalong lumalabas ang ganda at sexy mo!" Stel can't stop talking about my clothes. 

I giggled. "Selene chose these clothes."

"Kailan kayo nag-shopping? Bakit hindi n'yo ko isinama?" Nanghahaba ang nguso ni Stella. 

"We went to Paris with her parents right after her graduation. Wala ka naman that time," I explained. 

"Ang galing talaga ni Sel," puri ni Stella. "And to think that she managed to make you wear these clothes on your own will," mapang-asar na dagdag n'ya. 

"I just thought to match my outfit with yours," I gently said. 

"Saan naman ang match dito?" Bahagyang binatukan ako ni Stella. "I look like a rugged rebellious b***h while you look classy." 

I grimaced. "I don't have that kind of clothes."

Stella dramatically sighed. "It won't suit you anyway."

We laughed then she continued doing my hair. I paid attention to what she's doing. Sa tingin ko kasi ay kailangan ko rin na matutunan ang mag-ayos ng buhok ko. 

Stella only curled the ends of my straight hair. She told me that my outfit will look better with big curls but we can't do that with my curling rod. Kaya maliliit na mga kulot sa dulo na lang ang ginawa n'ya. 

"Have you considered having your hair dyed?" Stella asked while doing my eye makeup. 

I have a jet black straight hair. Sabi ni Mommy ay maganda ang buhok ko kaya maliban sa trim ay wala akong pinapabago rito. 

"Bagay ba sa akin?" I asked my cousin. 

"I think  strawberry blonde or chestnut brown will suit you," Stella murmured. "Ang puti mo kasi tapos itim na itim ang buhok mo." 

"I'll think about it," I said. 

After dressing up. Stella and I went out and visit a nail salon. 

"Red will suit your outfit," Stella said while we're being seated. 

I shook my head. "White French tip will do." 

Sa kalagitnaan ng ginagawa namin ay nagsimula na si Stella magyaya para mamaya. She invited our cousins, some close friends and her expat friends. 

"I'll ask Selene and Carrack," Stella said after a call from her model friend. 

Hinayaan ko na lang s'ya sa gusto n'ya. Gusto ko rin naman na makasama ang dalawa. 

Nang matapos kami sa nail salon ay tumambay na lang kami sa isang coffee shop. Abala si Stella sa cellphone n'ya kaya inabala ko na lang din ang sarili ko sa akin. 

I saw few messages from Carrack. The last one was asking if I'll be on Stella's party.

Yep. She's suddenly on my room then she told me we're partying. 

It doesn't took him long to reply. He sent two consecutive texts. 

Lol. Sana all. 

See you later. 

"Let's meet with Viv and Ciara for dinner," Stella announced. "Good that they could join us."

While we're on our way to the restaurant, I got a call from Selene. Niyaya ko na rin s'ya na sumama sa amin mag-dinner. 

The dinner was noisy as usual. Panay ang kuwentuhan at asaran. Madalas na si Selene ang nasa hot seat. Kahit mga private matter ay hindi nahiyang itanong ng mga pinsan ko sa kanya. Mabuti na lang at liberated na tao si Selene. Ako na nga ang nahihiya para sa kanya.

Pasara na ang restaurant nang magpasya kaming umalis. Some already took few alcohol while chatting. Ten PM pa magbubukas ang night club kaya wala ring silbi kung magmamadali kami dito sa dinner. 

Kay Stella pa rin ako nakasabay papunta ng bar. 

"Selene confirmed that Carrack will be there," tila kinikilig na sabi ni Stella. 

Kumunot ang noo ko at bumangon ang paghihimagsik sa dibdib ko. "Are you interested with him?" 

Gulat na napatingin si Stella sa gawi ko. "O, bakit parang galit ka?"

I blinked my eyes then averted my gaze. I have to calm myself, o makakahalata si Stella sa akin. 

"Hindi naman ako galit, a? Nagtatanong lang," sagot ko pero sa ganoong tono pa rin. Because I can't calm myself!

Stella chuckled. "Carrack is a fine man. I don't see why a woman won't be interested with him. There's this mixture of stiffness and playfulness around him. He got the best of both worlds," she shrugged. "And looking at him, I bet he's a monster in bed," she added in a flirty voice. 

My hands fisted on fists. Hindi na ako kumibo dahil gusto ko nang sigawan ang pinsan ko na malandi s'ya, kahit na alam ko na liberated at open-minded lang naman s'ya. We might have different perspective and approach to things but I know that we're both decent. 

It's fine that she's a little flirty as long as she's not trampling anyone. Ang kaso lang sa ngayon, hindi n'ya alam na natatapakan n'ya ang damdamin ko!

And I shouldn't be feeling like this, na parang inaapi ako, dahil ako naman ang may gusto nito. I am the one who decided to keep my relationship with Carrack as a secret. 

I am hating on myself until we reached Revel. Kami ang nauna ni Stella kaya hinintay pa namin sa labas si Kuya Barque na s'yang nagpareserve ng table namin. 

"Hay naku! Baka naman umisa pa si Kuya kay Eve," reklamo ni Stella nang matanaw namin na palapit na si Selene sa amin. Sa likod n'ya ay nakasunod na si Carrack na kasama si Xyz, Rile, Caspian, dalawa pang lalaki na hindi ko kilala at isang babae na medyo pamilyar sa akin ang mukha. 

"Bawal ba na sa loob maghintay?" Selene smirked. She hooked her arm with mine. 

"The one who reserved the table wasn't here yet," Stella rolled her eyes. 

Selene giggled. "Gaius here can do something about that." She turned to the man who's holding the waist of the unknown woman. 

"By the way, this is our cousin - Xyz," Carrack introduced. "And our friends."

"Hi," Stella cutely said. 

"Rile, Caspian, Alister, and Gaius and Marione," Selene pointed. "Bitches, this is my best friend Hannah, and her cousin Stella."

"Marione," Stella giggled. "Long time no see."

Nag-beso at nagyakap ang dalawang babae. Nang maghiwalay sila ay bumaling naman s'ya sa matangkad na lalaki. "And of course, the ever loyal hubby," Stella giggled. "You're still breathtakingly handsome, Gaius." She kissed the man's cheek in which Marione simply smirked at. 

"They're rivals on the catwalk," Gaius explained the relationship between the two. 

Kaya pala pamilyar s'ya. International model din ang babae tulad ni Stella. 

Tulad ng sinabi ni Selene, kinausap lang ni Gaius ang mga bantay at pinapasok na kami. 

"Is this the seat Barque reserved for us?" Stella asked right after we're seated at the second floor. 

"Who knows," Gaius chuckled. 

As it turned out, hindi dito ang reserved ni Kuya Barque. Dahil hindi na rin naman kami magkakasya dahil sa dami ng sumama na biglaang yaya ni Stella, nanatili na lang kami sa table na kinuha ni Gaius. 

"Han, let's try to improve your alcohol intake," Selene giggled then handed me a shot of alcohol. 

"Selene," mabilis na saway ni Carrack. 

"It's alright, brother dear. You're here naman to drive her home," Selene giggled. She's tipsy already. 

Stella groaned. "Selene, don't put responsibility on Carrack," she giggled. Flirt!

Sa sobrang pagkakairita ko ay inisang-lagok ko ang alak na iniaabot ni Selene sa akin. Nasamid ako matapos n'on kaya tumawa si Selene at nag-cheer sa akin. May iniabot s'ya sa akin na isa pang baso at saka ako hinila patayo. 

"It's time to party!" Selene laughed then pulled me in the dance floor. 

It's not the first time Selene and I danced on the dancefloor so I know how to move. As Selene taught me, I let the rhythm run wild on my system and moved my body accordingly. 

I felt someone dancing behind me and trying to hold my waist when Selene swatted that hand. She glared at the man. 

The man looked offended. Natakot na agad ako sa maaaring maging komusyon. Mabuti na lang at lumapit si Xyz sa gilid ko. S'ya na ang bumakod kaya lumayo na rin ang lalaki. 

"Oh! Thank heavens you're here," Selene hissed. Pasigaw ang pagkakasabi n'ya kaya narinig namin. 

Xyz chuckled. Bahagya s'yang yumuko at nagsalita malapit sa tainga ko. "Carrack is watching you. He said you don't want him nearing you with people around kaya ako ang inutusan na magbakod sa'yo."

My lips parted at that. As if they knew where to look, my eyes lifted on the second floor. There, I saw the pair of dark eyes watching me like a hawk. Nakahilig si Carrack sa railings, sa isang kamay ay may baso ng alak s'yang hawak. Sa gilid n'ya ay sila Stella at ang expat friends n'ya. Mukhang doon na lang sila sumayaw. 

Hindi ko kinaya ang tinatakbo ng isip ko kaya iniwas ko na ang tingin ko. 

I know that Stella will flirt with Carrack. O baka nga nilalandi na n'ya ngayon. At ako, ganito na gusto na ilihim kung ano man ang mayroon sa amin. She'll definitely get him with her flirtations. 

Dang! I can't understand myself anymore. 

Halos zombie na ako sa mga galaw kong walang buhay kaya inisip ni Selene na baka pagod na ako. Nagyaya na s'yang bumalik sa table para makipagsaya na lang ng kuwentuhan at inuman. 

"I'll stay here," Xyz chuckled. 

Selene tapped his cheek. "Protection," she giggled. 

Nang makabalik kami sa table ay nandoon sila Ate Eve at Ciara. Kababalik lang din daw nila at puno na ang table nila kaya dumito na lang sila. 

"Where's Stella?" tanong ko kay Ate Eve na s'yang pinakamatino sa lahat. Hindi s'ya masyadong umiinom dahil s'ya raw ang magmamaneho at si Kuya Barque ay parang binata pa rin kung maka-party. 

"Who knows?" Ate Eve giggled. 

"Baka nakikipag-s*x na 'yon kung saan," nakairap na sabi ni Ciara. Kapag lasing ay wala na talagang filter ang bibig n'ya. 

Sa tabi ko ay inilabas na ni Selene ang cellphone n'ya. I watched her screen as she type a message for Stella. 

Where are you? Haha

Nagsimula nang magbukas ng topic si Ate Eve at nagtatawanan na sa table namin pero wala pang reply si Stella. I can't keep up with their fun because something is bothering me. 

Wala rin kasi si Carrack. And knowing Stella, I can't argue with Ciara's idea that something might be happening now. And I also know that Stella is interested with Carrack. 

I feel literal pain at the middle on my chest. Without thinking, I reached for a glass shot and took its content in one gulf. 

Selene cheered beside me. "Hey! Han, that might be your limit. Tama na a!" she laughed. 

Bahagyang napatalon si Selene at kinuha ang telepono n'ya. Nakidungaw na rin ako sa screen. It was the thread of message with Stella. 

I just had the best orgasm of my shitty life, b***h! 

 It took Selene a while to read the message samantalang ako ay kinakain na ng galit, takot at pagkabalisa. 

Who's the god behind that?

Selene's giggling while typing. 

"I have an idea who," Ate Eve said. Nakikisilip na rin s'ya sa screen ni Selene. "She's been interested to that man for a while now," she chuckled. 

Ca*****. 

The women with me laughed at Stella's reply. That confirmed their suspicion. 

Selene got her naughty smirked then switched on her thread with Carrack. 

Kuya, where are you? Are you with St****?

It didn't take long for the reply. 

Yeah. This is better than the party, lol. 

Hindi ko na kinaya at tumayo na ako. 

"O, saan ka?" Hindi pa napapawi ang ngisi sa labi ni Ciara nang tanungin ako. Silang tatlo na ang nakatingala sa akin. 

"Medyo nahihilo na ako. I'll just get some fresh air."

Hindi ko na hinintay ang reaksyon nila at umalis na ako. 

Naiiyak na ako habang palabas. Hindi ko na alintana ang mga nakakabangga ko habang palabas. Nang nasa labas na ako ay lumakad ako papunta sa gilid. Ayoko sa harap ng establisyamento dahil ayoko na may mga tao sa paligid ko. 

I don't want anyone to see me. Because I know that I'll be crying any moment now. 

My feet got me to the smoking area. Patalikod na sana ako nang may tumawag sa akin. 

"Hannah," a firm voice yet gentle tone called my name like a prayer. 

My lips parted as I looked at the direction of the voice. 

There, I saw Carrack with a stick of cigarette on his right hand. May bahid pa ng ngiti sa mga labi n'ya, probably he's laughing with the men he's with

I don't care anymore... I took steps towards him. And when I'm in front of him, I pulled on his nape to crash my lips on him. 

This overwhelming feeling of wanting to own him... I don't know how to contain this anymore. 

I want to throw every caution on the wind. I want to own this man. 

I want Carrack mine. 

I heard someone whistled. Nang maghiwalay ang mga labi namin, saka ko lang napansin si Rile at ang iba pang mga kasama ni Carrack. At saka ako kinain ng hiya. Mukhang hindi sapat ang mga nainom ko para mawala nang tuluyan ang hiya ko. 

And I boldly kissed Carrack! In front of these men! 

Dang! This is embarrassing!