A BLUE MOON BOND

The very thought of him gives me goose bumps! I remember the day we first met. I can still see that sparkle in his eyes, from our first conversation face to face. I never believed in the concept of love and attachment, or soul mates. That’s rubbish, and it belongs only in a romantic novel, I thought. I can’t deny the fact that I felt something, when I laid my eyes on him, for the very first time. I can’t say really call it love at first site, cause it wasn’t. But it was a meeting that changed my life completely upside-down and has me wondering till date, if just a few moments were enough to change my perspective about how you feel when you really connect. It all started on that ill-fated day, the day I choose to go to NIT Trichy for a fest. It was the first fest I had been to from college and the last one. The experience left me wondering, what if I had accepted my admission in NIT Trichy? I’m guessing I would have had a different story to share. Never the less, let’s go back to that fateful morning, the morning that still gives me sleepless nights. The minute I set foot in the campus that morning, I instantly regretted my decision of giving up my seat there. The campus was humongous, probably 40 to 50 times bigger than our campus. They had an exclusive block for architecture and the building spoke for itself. It was the first day of the fest. I could not hold my excitement, and went about signing up, for pretty much every competition I found interesting. Obviously, I could not do them all at once, since a few activities were happening at the same time slot. I was at the help desk to find out when the next event was going to begin, when I saw “him” for the first time. Before I could pose my question, Hi! You better call out to your batch mates and get going if you want to be on time for the guest lectures, he said. I was downright honest, and asked him, if we looked like we were here to attend guest lectures. I had just completed my first semester in college. Every word those celebrated architects used, was close to Greek to me. We weren’t exposed to that level of technicality in architecture. I had just finished a fun-filled first semester learning about colours, shapes and lines. Going by Architectural standards we had just passed out of kindergarten. He smiled, that “smile” –the most genuine one, the one that touches your heart! It felt like he meant to say, I understand what you mean. I felt a curious connection at that very instant. There was something about it that words can’t express. I saw him smile through his eyes. “I appreciate honesty”, he said. The vibes he emanated were magnetic. I felt like I knew him for a lifetime. It was nostalgic! Thank you I said and quickly walked away, trying to shake those strange feelings off. It was the second day. We were paying Truth/dare right outside the architecture block. They had set up food stalls for us to refuel, as and when we wanted to. The variety was too tempting, to stay away from. All of us hogged, like we had starved ourselves for the longest time and happen to stumble upon food after a decade. The situation was partially true. With the limited variety and tasteless food my mess offered this was a royal feast for foodies like my friends and me. I was at one of those stalls when I spotted him walking towards me. My friend nudged me and whispered, he is looking at you and heading right here. I dismissed her excitement, saying, there are stalls here; it’s obvious, he’s coming for food. I turned around to glance at the menu and I heard a familiar voice saying, excuse me? I was on cloud nine! It was him! I said yes, trying really hard to conceal the joy on my face. He asked me if the food stalls were better, compared to the previous year’s. I mentioned that it was my first time, and he went on to ask if I had any suggestions to make. I was too dazed at that point to react. I turned slightly towards my right; my peripheral vision could spot someone walking with an ice cream. Without second thoughts, I said, the Ice cream can be improved. I walked away hurriedly, noticing his rather perplexed expression. My friend could not stop giggling, as she pointed out towards the ice cream shop. I was dazed for a second too. Lo and behold, it was Gelato Italiano! Where did that shop drop from? I hadn’t noticed the logo until then, as I was not a fan of ice creams. I could easily bet it was the best Ice cream line they could have arranged for in a dry place like Trichy. And yet I made that ridiculous suggestion, like a boss and walked away. I haven’t had the guts to walk into a Gelato Italiano shop since then till date. The third day was jam-packed with exciting events. We won the overall championship trophy. I had a blast dancing, singing and I even won the rebuttal for debate. We had a few casual encounters during those three days and every time I saw him I just went into a bubble of imagination and curiosity. His presence made me go weak at the knees. I had the butterflies from the time I first spoke to him and it’s been 6 years since that happened. I am yet to find a person as charming as him who could give “me” butterflies. It was time for us to leave. I was relentlessly looking for him and finally spotted him standing with a few of his friends near the entrance. The driver started honking and signaling us to get it by then. I wanted to run up to him and tell him that the experience was euphoric. I wanted to say more. All I could do was stand rooted to the spot and look at him. I entered the bus with a heavy heart. I could see him from my window seat and saw the same look on his face. The bus moved and a tear rolled down my cheek. I don’t know why, but leaving the place was such a heart wrenching experience; I silently cried myself to sleep in the bus that night. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life. I dint even know if his name was, what I thought it was. I just heard one of his friends call him “Utsav”. I did not want this ending here! Or did it? I was back in college and just could not get my mind off him. I knew it was very whimsical. There was no future to this and I had to let it go. My friends did not do a very good job at talking me out of the situation. Instead, they went about teasing me and spreading rumours about me, being committed to him. It spread like wild-fire considering the college had lesser number of students in count compared to other normal colleges in the country. It was a college exclusively for Architecture and we were his fourth batch in the college. Two days and the entire college knew I met a guy in NIT and he probably asked me out or it dint work out and so on. I got to hear different versions of it every day. People would come up to me and ask me similar questions, just to hear it from the horse’s mouth. I dismissed all rumours and they went on to still believe what they heard anyway. I eventually admitted to my really close pals that I had a crush on him. I had fallen for a guy who I had met for a time span of just 3 days. I could not believe myself! I was a self-proclaimed analytical, practical person and had a logical outlook towards everything. However, logic had no explanation about my feelings for him. I knew deep down my heart it was very unrealistic and ridiculous. I mean, who was I? I wasn’t Cinderella for sure! All I ever noticed about my prince charming was that he was very intelligent. This was true! Because he proved me right in the future. There is something about intelligent people I can’t resist. I develop an instant liking and deep respect for them. I also noticed that, given a tensed situation, he handled it very calmly. I loved how he spoke so softly and yet it had such a great impact. Brownie points, for excellent communication skills. He also spoke really respectfully to his colleagues, especially the girls. He was really tall and medium built. But not as flexible, I could tell, since I dance. However he was an active part of their college flash mob. I had probably watched that video a 50 times, just to see him shake a leg. He was very sportive and looked like the kind of person who would perform outside his comfort zone. He was a leader and yet so down to earth. He was a perfect blend of sugar, spice and everything nice. A rare find! Besides this, I knew not a thing about him. Our college allowed outings only once a week, the only day in the week where most parts of the world take the day off. No points for guessing this one right cause it’s obvious! I starved myself through the week and Sunday was officially binge day. We would make up for the loss of vitamins and nutrients in our mess food by sinking our teeth into fast food. It was way healthy, compared to what we ate in our college. I never missed an opportunity to get out of my college. Who would not trade a day in prison, to a day outside in the hills? I was after all staying at what they called the "Queen of Hills" in India. However, my college was located 14kms away from Ooty. It was a small, yet charming town. Anyone who lived there would slowly start to understand the meaning of truly living a life. Personally I started paying attention to the small things in life. I understood that the standards set by our society like a Mercedes-Benz, a villa or jewelry and so on are nothing but materialistic things that makes us measure our happiness based on what we own. I understood that none of these things should matter and what should actually matter. Ooty taught me to appreciate nature. It is a very peaceful place, except for the tourist season. But that is the only way of livelihood there. Residents open their hands and welcome people from all around the world. Even if you are there for a short span of time, you tend to form a bond with the place and people. It’s a magical experience. Oh! I could go on and on, but I guess we’ll keep that for another time and let’s just revert to my life for now, I dint care what season it was, it was Sunday and I was out. We queued up, outside the ATM. The line was never-ending. The only drawback of the tourist season was that, each and every corner of Ooty would be jam packed. All of a sudden, Jinnie asked me very seriously, if he really liked me, and if more happened in NIT that she wasn’t aware of. I was taken aback! She was my best friend and she too had succumbed to the rumours. I spontaneously made up a story, he asked me out and I denied, I said. I furthermore added dramatic details to my imaginary tale and watched her face turn pale. I intended on telling her the truth once we returned to college. It was our turn; we went in, drew our cash and walked straight to Willy’s. Willy’s was our perfect hangout spot. It was a cozy and comfortable café. Half the space was converted into a library and the other half had a seating area for dinning and playing board games. We ordered for some milkshake and sandwich. I was glancing through a travel book and Jinnie through her phone. And then came the moment, which changed my life forever. I saw two familiar faces walk into the café. I did a double take to see if it was really him and it was! I was in stupor for a few moments. I knew the meaning of serendipity, when destiny brought him to that very café. Jinnie recognized him instantly. She could barely hide her excitement. They walked towards the library and browsed through a few books, I saw him glance at me to which I reciprocated, and how you may ask, well, I covered my face with the book. My stupid reflexes’! I wanted to be invisible! They went straight to the counter placed an order for brownies. And then the mind numbing moments came! I saw him walk towards me, my heart I’m sure, skipped a few beats! No kidding! It literally did! And it was happening; the “feelings” that I thought belonged only inside a novel. I was certain, I was hallucinating. I could feel my heart beat intricately! Sure, I was seated, but he swept me off my feet! I had to be shaken by Jinnie, to reply to the opening lines of his introduction, which he repeated twice, since I was just too overwhelmed by his presence. I did not move; had no idea what to do or how to react. Hi! I am Utsav Arch cult he said. I was trying to process it. Utavsarchcult-It did not make sense to me. I am Utsav, from Arch cult he repeated. I was still zapped. I managed to take my hand forward, with my bottom still glued to the chair and had a feeble hand shake. And then I managed to utter a shaky “Hi”. What an accomplishment! Did I have a name or did my parents forget to name me? I clearly dint seem to get it at that instant. Jinnie asked them to join us! The scene was straight out of a Bollywood movie. Heights of coincidence! That day, I understood that Bollywood can imitate scenes, from what happens to people in “real life” to “reel life”. Though the probability of things happening with such precision is very rare and highly questionable (I always laughed at it). It could happen in anyone’s life or your life. You never know! All through the conversation I was extremely frightened that Jinnie would enquire about the entire “proposal taIe” I made up. I dint have the time to tell her that, I was playing a prank on her. Thank goodness she dint utter a word. The world around me stood still. I was lost in the moment. I have no idea, what we spoke about, or how time flew for the next two hours. Like hell, I understood half the things he spoke about. It was going way over my head. My brain was going numb with the amount of architectural data trying to enter it, all at once and I didn’t know how to reciprocate. On a general basis I would never be shy to ask about things, when I did not understand what it meant. But today, was just not the day. I portrayed myself as someone highly knowledgeable. Never the less, I’m sure he would have figured it out after a while, because all I did was, nod in agreement to everything he said. I made a few epic statements, in an attempt to change the topic. Why are you wearing this jacket? It isn’t that cold here! It looks like a life jacket! I literally criticized him for his choice of dressing! What must he have thought? There’s no accounting for taste, I’m guessing is what would have ran in his mind. I still remember “I asked him - Your father Military”? I mean what the hell was I blabbering? And why did I correct myself saying “sorry, is your father from the army”? I had a mind voice telling me to shut up and just shut up! I knew I was making a total ass out of myself. But he was so charming and I could not help but blurt out rubbish, while he sat there watching me amused and convinced that I was a certified nut case. I was afraid to be quiet because I didn’t want him noticing that I would look nowhere else but into his eyes (his irritating twinkling eyes), if I sat there listening to him. After nearly two hours of continuous jabbering, he uttered those words and my heart sunk. They had to leave. Stay, just stay I shouted. It dint take the form of sound though. They soon left for a haircut to naturals. Just before leaving he asked me if he could have my number. I shared it with him but did not have the presence of mind to ask for his. Word’s failed me and all I could do was say goodbye with a heavy heart. I could see them zoom away in a bike from the glass wall. I was felt a sea of emotions. The minute they left, I told Jinnie the truth. She told me, I was going bananas with excitement and I spoke rubbish. And how my face looked as though I had applied too much of blush. As a matter of fact I dint apply no blush, I dint have knowledge about basic make up at that point of time, however I was blushing all along. I had to agree, I was just not myself. I was socially awkward in front of him, quite opposite to my real self. I cursed myself, for not taking his number, at least for courtesy’s sake. By then, my brain had completely shut down. I went back to college and found him on f*******:. But I did not add him right away. I did not want to look desperate. That night, I spoke to my mom about the entire incident and she called me a jackass for behaving indifferently and ranting rubbish. Everyone has one best friend with whom they can share just about anything and take their word for it. In my life, that person would be my mom. I could share anything under the sun with her. The age difference never really got to us. If there was one thing that developed in par with science, it was my mom’s perspective in life. I knew what being “broad minded” was like, because of her. She was always progressive in her thoughts, though she was confined to our society and its rules. She broke quite a few stereotypes herself and was open to new ideas and adapted well to the changing trends, be it in relationships or lifestyle. The best gift my mom ever gave to me was, teaching me that freedom of speech and expression is not just meant to remain in the constitution as a law, but also be put to use in reality. She made me realize that I had the power to question and stand up against anything/anyone in life; if I felt it wasn’t right, even if it was against her. She urged me, not to be bound by the rules of the society and think practically. I always spoke to her before taking any huge decisions in life and she “never” told me what to do. She asked me to do, what I felt was right and was never judgmental about it. She went on to calm me down and told me to take it in slowly, introspect and make a move. I opened my f*******: account after two days and went straight to his profile and added him and asked Jinnie to do the same. I waited for a message for a text message but in vain. I thought to myself that I probably had given the wrong vibes by showing no interest in the café. So I decided to take the initiative. I wrote on his f*******: wall after nearly two months. Hi! How are you doing? I thought I saw you the other day. Were you here in Ooty? I waved, you dint! To my utter shock he clarified that he had not been to Ooty and he was home beating the heat in Delhi. Like I dint know that! I was just trying to start a conversation which did work out, but only on the surface level. He dint seem to show any interest so I dint think it was right for me to do it again. I stopped trying my silly stunts right there. Out of sight, out of mind, they say. I dint seem to get over my profound liking for him, but managed to keep him away from my mind. However, deep down the entire incident kept playing in my head. I came back to Bangalore for my internship and my joy, my joy knew no bounds, when I found out he was setting up a firm here, in my home town. This, I took as the strongest signal from destiny. I felt safe knowing he was around, even though I hadn’t met him for such a long time. I found his number on f*******: and texted him. I enquired about decent firms, to intern in, since he would know his competitors well. He gave a few suggestions and told me how Ahmedabad was a better option over Delhi and Bangalore. The topic shifted to, how his firm was doing. There came a point when, I began to lecture him about what a “patent” is and how he could not name his firm with the prefix infinity, since my professor/best friend in college who also happened to be Utsav’s senior in college had chosen a similar name for his firm. We texted for an hour or so and he finally gave up. I was pleased with my victory and was yet to discover that he had not only founded his company and already named it, but also invented a material which was due to get patented. On the other hand “I”, with the petite knowledge I had about architecture, went about preaching him. I understood how humble a human being he was. He won me over. Kindness and humility does that to people. It can melt any rock in the world and I was after a girl with a heart and brain made of tissues. Nothing seemed to be brewing between us and as time passed by, I did come to a conclusion. After giving things a serious thought and seeing his seriousness towards work. I pegged him for a workaholic and gave myself a hundred reasons why he was not the right one for “me”. Time passed by, I was back in college. One fine day I got a notification about him partying in Spain. I was shell-shocked, when I realized he had moved abroad! Emotions, I never knew I had inside of me, stirred up. It came to me as a surprise, when I realized he was there to study further. I presumed he was going remain a workaholic and work his way up the ladder. Wow! Did he prove me wrong or what?! I walked down the memory lane and spoke to Jinnie about him migrating. All those amazing memories came back like flashes; it felt, like it happened yesterday. I felt so agitated knowing he was not around. Neither did I meet him in four years, nor did I have any worthwhile conversations. What If he wasn’t what I imagined? Why did I even care? It started out with a simple “I wish I could let these stupid feelings go” and it became that “bug” that sat in the back of my neck, biting me every time I thought of him and urging me to confess. I just wanted to tell him, that “I liked him” and get over it. I was home for Christmas and expressed the reason for the commotion in my mind to mom and the irritation caused by the “confession bug”. Do I have the coolest mom or what? She told me to flush the emotions out, by letting him know and start fresh. She guaranteed it was a step in the right direction if I really wanted to do so and that it would also help me move on. Both Jinnie and Rini came over for Christmas and they agreed with mom. I typed the text out, but did not muster the courage to send it. I edited it several times to make sure I was grammatically correct and trying to sound casual. My friends dared me to send it to anyone so I did; I sent the text to Rishabh instead. I had recently had a misunderstanding with him, and he was dazed to receive a text saying “how everything in Spain is”? It helped me break the ice with him and sort things out. After a lot of monkeying around Rini finally snatched the phone from my hand and hit the send button. I instantly regretted, but it was too late. Two ticks appeared below the message I had sent to him on w******p; my face was hot and so was my mind. Anticipation and anxiety got the better of me; I could not sleep all night waiting for it to turn blue. I kept checking on my phone all night. It was twenty minutes past four, the ticks turned blue finally. But to my dismay there wasn’t a reply to it. I assumed he was shocked too. So I gave it time, a day passed and another. My disappointment knew no bounds. I felt guilty and partially embarrassed for being insensitive and point-blank towards his feelings. I even wondered if I was rude. All I had mentioned was that I had a crush on him and it was just a confession so I could let go of the past and move on. Disappointment and guilt turned into anger. I thought really high of him and did not expect him, to not reply to something as sensitive as this. It meant a lot to me! But clearly he dint feel the same. I could not resist my urge to text him on New Year’s Eve and so I did. Not expecting a reply but in an attempt to redeem my self-respect because I was deeply hurt when he did not seem to care about reciprocating. It made me feel unimportant and unworthy of his time. I started off by telling him it’s scary to text him again and wished him a happy new year. Then I decided to speak my mind and went on to tell him that, the least I expected out of him was to say, “Hey Mona! Chill its pretty normal” or “its fine, it happens”. To me, he always came across as a very mature and understanding person. I went on to explain that it was just a confession and nothing serious (which was obviously a lie). To my utter disappointment he repeated the exact words and said, Hey Mona! Chill its pretty. He told me he had a hectic schedule and wanted to reply in peace. He was basically on a Europe tour and he dint have the time to reply to a text, I thought. I had been kept an eye open/stalked him that entire week on f*******: just to know what he was up to. His friends had posted pictures of them, in famous museums and architecturally renowned buildings. All said and done, I was too thrilled to hear from him and he even apologized for seeming all scary. Once again his humbleness brought me back to ground. Who was I to him after all? And why did he owe me a reply? His reply was genuine and I instantly let go of my anger/ guilt/disappointment. I felt a huge burden off my back and started fresh. It was the year 2016 and the best year of my life! This experience has changed me from within; it has changed my perception about life. I, who was incapable of processing feelings, understood that I was capable of falling in love deeply and truly with a person. I am not in a relationship with that person but the incident has me believing that there are connections like that in life that we all feel; it can last for a while, days and in my case years. I still strongly believe in the connection I felt. He was my soul mate. The most important lesson I learnt was that it’s not always necessary that it should end in a romantic relationship. A soul mate can be just about anyone. A sibling, friend or any person with whom you feel a soul-stirring connection, is a soul mate. It is that one person who is able to connect to a missing part of your soul and bring out the love in you. It taught me to love selflessly and unconditionally without any expectations. Learning to accept that the person you love, does not feel the same about you and accepting that, has made me a strong person. It certainly does not imply that my love for him has dissolved. I think it never really dies, it lives on. It will, probably until my last breath. A piece of me will always love him and will hold on to those profound feelings I felt for him. I have moved on in life and I’m sure I will find that one person who will fit in, like the missing puzzle of my soul. I dont know if he could be as charming as him or as intelligent as him or anything like him. I just hope that he just makes me feel like Utsav did. I hope that we can feel a “connection”, the soul stirring one (hoping its mutual this time though).Because I know one thing for sure now, and thats- the term “soul mate” is not just another “fictional” word, it does not belong only in a novel, it does exist in our world, if we have the courage to believe in it.