Listen To The Compass Of Your Heart

Chapter 3

The next morning, Jake woke up a little bit lightheaded. His head stopped stinging and his ears were clear. There were no gunshots and yelling, there weren't strange noises from the surroundings and there was no one forcefully waking him up while pouring water on his face or kicking him on the legs, head, and everywhere... This was the first time Jake had a proper sleep after 4 and a half years. This was the first time Jake had slept and woke up without being bothered by those unnerving nightmares.

The aroma of the food reached his nose, and Jake decided to get up and went to the dining room. Nigel is heating the food that was ordered last night. He put them all in the refrigerator since Jake didn't wake up to eat.

"Good morning Doc." Greeted Nigel smiling ear to ear. "Morning," Jake replied, still squinting his swollen eyes. Coffee, tea, or me?" Asked Nigel earning an “eiw” disgusting face from Jake. Nigel chuckles and gives him a cup of freshly brewed peppermint tea.

Nigel sighed seeing Jake playing with his food instead of eating. Jake was just staring blankly while poking the bacon with a fork. His mind is full of Brent. He misses the time when Brent slices the bacon and feeds him. He misses their sweet morning kisses while eating. He misses Brent so much. He was longing for Brent. But it disgusts him whenever the thought of Brent and Amber crammed in his mind. His stomach churns and Jake wants to vomit.

Nigel forced him to eat even a little by blackmailing him that he won't eat either if Jake refused to eat.

"So, what exactly is happening between you and Brent?" Asked Nigel and Jake told him everything. Nigel hugged him, he as well didn't know what to do about that kind of circumstance. Nigel is not a fan of drama, that's why he is living his life freely.

They continued chatting in the living room about how Jake got away from the rebels. Jake told him everything that he suffered during those entire four and half years of being captured. Nigel's heart shattered just by hearing Jake's story. Nigel could picture them in his mind. Nigel wailed so greatly, to the point Jake is the one comforting him now instead of the other way round.

"You're so brave, if I were in that situation– geez, forget it." Nigel halted, he couldn't imagine those horrible things anymore.

"What do you want to do now?" Asked Nigel

"Well, I haven't talked to the hospital management yet. I have to complete my psychological therapy first, and... I don't think I am in a good condition to work right now. There's a lot that happened during those years. Plus... I don't know, maybe I should go to the province and rest there. I really can't think straight right now..." Nigel nodded to Jake's statement. If only he could share the pain that Jake is suffering right now.

"Well, do you remember Captain Aiden Khan?" Jake frowned at that. "Of course, what about him? I haven't heard anything from him since I was released by the rebels." Told Jake.

"Well, he was relieved from duty along with his squad for not conducting his mission properly."

"But it's not his fault, he did his best. Why is the government blaming him? It's not fair." Said Jake and guilt crawls within him.

Maybe, just maybe... If he hadn't gone to Iraq maybe things like those would never have happened. Jake's chest tightened just the thought of the soldiers relieved from their duty because of him. His eyes started to hazy but he managed to regulate his emotions.

Nigel feels guilty for opening the topic, he should not bring it up in the first place.

"Well, I don't think it's a good topic, let's leave that. I'm sorry."

"It's fine, we will eventually get there," replied Jake patting Nigel's back.

Jake stays at Nigel's unit for a couple of days, he is still not ready to go back home yet. Brent texted him that they already moved out of the house. But Jake couldn't imagine coming back to the cold and empty house. A part of him feels guilty for kicking out Amber and Brent. But Jake couldn't possibly live under the same roof with them. Jake won't be able to handle that much.

Amber called and wanted to talk, but Jake declined her request. He's not ready yet to face his sister. He's not ready to accept the fact that she sneaks Brent from him; her very own brother.

He is angry with his sister but at the same time can't blame everything on her. Nevertheless, the thought of Amber carrying Brent's child in her womb is too much for Jake. His heart shatters into millions of pieces and his world crumbles just by the thought of it.

It's his and Brent's dream before, they talk about having a child through IVF or In Vitro fertilization once they've settled down and saved enough money. But all of them are useless now. Their once-perfect dreams turn into awful nightmares for Jake. Brent is already expecting a child and what makes it more devastating is; Amber, his very own sister carrying the child of his beloved man.

Jake's parents were asking him to go back to the province, but Jake refused. He didn't want to show and worry his parents by showing them his current physical and mental state.

He's too far from five years ago. Thin, pale, and out of shape. It's only been two weeks since he was released. He stayed at the Iraq embassy for two weeks of recuperating and counseling after he was permitted to go back to his home country. He was so excited to see his family, hug them, kiss them, and eat together with them. But it crumbles right after he lands in his home country.

Jake visits an acquaintance's Doctor for psychological therapy and counseling. But it didn't help lessen the guilt cramming all over him. He started to believe that it was his fault that Brent fell for his sister. He was blaming himself.

After the therapy, the Doctor permits him to leave after he calms down. Jake went to the park hoping it could help him forget Brent if he was with a lot of people. Regardless, every inch of the park he stepped into was reminding him of Brent.

For more than a decade, he already lost count of how many times they went into the same park that his feet already memorized every inch of the park. The musical dancing fountain they love to watch every Friday night during their college days reminds him off Brent.

The concrete bench under the tree they used to sit in while watching the people was still there. It's a little worn out and rubbles were on the ground. It reminds him of Brent.

Seeing the food stalls packed with customers buying and eating fish balls, the memory of him and Brent doing the same things before is now playing inside his head; just like it happened yesterday.

Jake just goes along with his feet. He didn't realize he was already in front of his house. Jake reluctantly opened the door and was welcomed by the deafening silence.

Cold winds getting through the open door brush against his skin and it pierces his heart. Jake shivers. Every inch of the house reminds him of Brent.

From the living room where they used to cuddle during their day-offs while watching Netflix and doing little couple stuff. It was still the same as five years ago. But something is missing.

Jake went to the kitchen where they used to cook together whenever they had time and weren't busy at work. The kitchen was still the same as five years ago. Jake recalls the time Brent cooked naked with his apron only covering his front. It was Brent's birthday surprise for Jake.

Jake remembers the time when the oven exploded because they were busy making out on the table and completely forgot the coconut pie he was baking for his colleague's visits and they ended up ordering pizza instead.

All of those were now only a mere memory for Jake. Happy yet bitter memories.

Jake couldn't help but bite his bottom lip bitterly preventing his tear from seeping through his eyes but it didn't help at all. His tears find their way to trickle down and Jake could taste its saltiness whilst crossing his brims. He wiped the liquid gushing from his eyes with his fingers. He turned his back from the kitchen and climbed upstairs to their bedroom.

He switched on the lights and Jake familiarized the room. It was still the same as before he left for Iraq five years ago except for the beddings and window curtains.

Their portrait together during their vacation in Paris was still there attached to the wall. The cabinet with a mirror where they used to look at themselves. And Jake knotting Brent's necktie every morning and after getting ready for work was still the same.

The chair Jake used to sit in while Brent was drying his hair was still the same. The photo frame on the nightstand is still there. Jake's gaze perched on the ring in front of the photo frame. It was their engagement ring.

Jake's eyes welled up. Tears clouded his eyes and shortly fell to the nightstand. Jake sobs quietly whilst fondling Brent's ring.

"Are we really over? Is this really how our ten years of being with each other end? What about those hardships that we went through together? What about those challenges we overcome together? What about our promise to be together forever until we get old? Is this really all my fault? Why didn't you wait for me a little longer? Why do you lose your faith in me? Am I that insignificant to you?"

Jake has many questions but no one could give him answers.

Jake clenched the ring in his palm before placing it over his chest. He lets his tears flow freely hoping the pain he was suffering will wash away along with his tears. But it didn't lessen even a little bit.

Jake took off the ring on his finger and put it together with Brent's ring on the nightstand. He pulled out the drawer and took the small rectangular red box. Putting the rings back inside and fondling them before completely closing it. Jake put back the box inside the drawer and locked it.

"Did I choose the wrong choice? If I hadn't gone to Iraq, would you not go with Amber? If I didn't go to Iraq, would all these things happen to us?" Jake caressed their photo frame before overturning it. He wiped his tears and trudged to their shared cupboard.

His hand trembles while reluctantly opening the door. Brent's clothes weren't there anymore except for their couple of gray pajamas. Jake takes it and brings it to his face, and nuzzles it. He closed his eyes and sniffed it, inhaling Brent's lingering scent. Jake again sobs silently and lays on the bed horizontally hugging their couple's pajamas while his tears silently stream and wet the bedsheet. His mind drifted back to the day he left for Iraq.