Forgotten Memories

The crowd's getting wild as time goes by. It's already 2 in the morning and we're still here at the school event's after-party. Kanina matitino pa ang mga estudyante dahil may mga faculty and school staffs pa. But now, we're all alone in our own mess. Enjoying the f**k out of ourselves. We are all college students after all. We are now at the legal age so I guess this is not illegal at all. I already saw some of my schoolmates making out in the dim area of this event's place. The crowd's literally gone mad. Hell, I can't feel myself anymore. All I can feel is this dizziness within me, surrounding my head like a f*****g halo. Did I drink too much again? I can't even remember myself drinking something. The hell? Nagpunta ako sa gitna para makisayaw at sumali sa g**o. I love the feeling of being free. I missed this feeling. Tinanggal ko ang pagkakatali ng buhok ko at hinayaan kong umalon pababa. Wavy curls of my hair touched my bare back as I danced slowly. Kailan ko nga ba huling naramdaman and ganito? Back at my old self when everything is just fine and normal. I regret destroying the barrier between me and the people for him. The crowd is so hyped! Sounds are on full blast. I can see some of my classmates being wasted. Only if I can be that wasted too. But for sure, Mama would kill the s**t out of me kapag naabutan niya akong lasing na lasing. But I think I am already wasted. Yeah, I am wasted. What am I even thinking? I jumped and banged my head according to the beat of the music. I raised both of my arms in the air and swayed them slowly. Dancing to the beat. Feeling the atmosphere. Getting the vibes. And of course, feeling myself again. "Tatiiii! There you are! Kanina ka pa namin hinahanap! Where have you been?" lumapit ang mga kaibigan ko sa akin at inalalayan ako dahil tutumba-tumba na ako sa kahiluhan na tamo ng alak na iniinom ko kanina pa. "You're drunk as hell, Tatiana! Umayos ka nga! Kapag nalaman ni Tita 'to panigurado ay malalagot ka na naman! Come on, fix yourself!" Angela said. "Alam ko at anong paki ko?" nagpatuloy lang ako sa pagsasayaw at iniwan na ang mga kaibigan ko. The night is still young. Sayang ang binayad ko na fee dito sa event na 'to kung 'di ako iinom nang marami! Besides, ngayon na nga lang ulit ako nag-enjoy. Pipigilan pa ba nila ako? Lumayo ako sa mga kaibigan ko but I am still slightly dancing. Naghanap ako ng crowd na pwede samahan at nakihalo ako roon. I danced my heart out. I wanna be free. I wanna feel free. I continued dancing with the music when I suddenly felt someone behind me grinding his body into mine. Sinakyan ko na lamang ang trip niya at pinagpatuloy ko ang pagsasayaw ko. I'm starting to like this. I am always like this until he came into my life and ruined it. Humarap ako sa taong nasa likod ko. And base on my oh-so-f*****g quick observation, ooh. He's tall, hanggang leeg niya lang ako. He has this brown curly hair. He has the aura. He has the body. The scent, gosh. So manly! His eyes too! f**k, this guy in front of me is a f*****g Goddess. "Hi miss," he greeted me with a smile. "Hi!" I answered. "What's your name?" he asked, obviously hitting on me. "Tatiana! How about you? You're looking good, huh!" "Well, uh, thanks haha. But, nah. This isn't the right time to introduce myself to you, Miss," and then he winked at me. Lol. Anong eksena niya? Pa-mysterious effect pang nalalaman! I just shrugged the thought off and continued dancing and grinding in front of this guy. Hell, am I already being wasted? Is this wasted? Am I wasted? Enjoy na enjoy ako sa pagsasayaw nang biglang may humatak sa akin palayo. I can see the guy I am dancing with just a while ago waving me goodbye. Wtf? Sino ba 'tong humihila sa akin? "Let me go, you freak!" I shouted, full force. "Tatiana! Why are you with that guy!? Nasaan sila Angela? You're so wasted! Look at yourself! Kailan ka ba magtitino!? Hanggang kailan ka ba magiging ganito!?" I can't even blink at what I saw. This man in front of me... his eyes... his scent... he can still manage to make my knees feel so weak. He is still the death of me. "Why do you care?" I sarcastically said avoiding the unknown feeling inside of me. "Ysabelle, let's go home. Ihahatid na kita sa inyo." he tried to grab my arm but I snapped back. "Don't you dare touch me." I pushed him away with all the force that is left in me and walked away. "Ysabelle!" Napunta ako sa garden area. I sat down at one of the benches and cried myself out. Matagal na panahon na. I am supposed to be happy by this time. Dapat okay na 'ko, matagal na, e. Siya nga mukhang okay na. Dapat ako rin. Sana ako rin. Why can't I move forward? 'Di ba okay na 'ko? Okay na 'ko, e. Alam ko okay na 'ko. Alam ko masaya na 'ko. I just don't know why every time I saw his eyes, all I can see is the pain that he caused me. Those eyes of him that I refused to look at. Those eyes hurt me the most. Maybe after all these time tinago ko lang 'yung sakit. Baka naman inipon ko lang yung sakit. Baka naman hindi naman talaga nawala yung sakit. But why me? What did I do wrong for me to suffer like this? Madami naman diyan. Madami namang nagkakagusto sa 'kin. Why? Why him? Ako naman yung nang-iwan diba? Bakit ako nagkakaganito. All of them are looking down on me and talking shits about me just because I left him. Why? Ni hindi nga nila alam kung bakit ako umalis. Hindi nga nila alam kung bakit ako sumuko. Hindi nga nila alam kung anong naramdaman ko. Why is it my fault? I felt the burning pain of my heart. Ito navnaman ako sa sitwasyong 'to. Ito na naman ako sa mahinang ako. When will I learn? "Ysabelle, let's talk," and yup, he has the guts to follow me. Just, wow. "I'm done. I'm so done. Ayoko na. Please. Pagod na pagod na 'ko. Just stop! When will you stop making me feel like s**t?" hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sunod-sunod na pagpatak ng luha mula sa mga mata ko. I can still feel the pain. It's just too much. Ang sakit sakit. "Ysabelle. I love you. Shhh." f**k. I smiled bitterly and wiped my tears. "You love me? Haha! Naririnig mo ba 'yung sinasabi mo? Naririnig mo ba 'yung sarili mo?" I hissed. "Ysabelle, please..." "No. I'm done. The truth is hindi mo ako mahal. You don't love me at all. Alam mo kung anong mahal mo? Yun ay yung thought na may nagmamahal sa 'yo! You just love the idea of me loving you for who you are! You just love the idea of me accepting you kahit ang gago gago na!" I cried once again. He's in front of me. The guy who broke my heart into pieces. The guy who made me feel unwanted. The guy who wrecked me into pieces. "Tama na please haha. Ayoko na." "Tati, please. Babawi ako, gagawin ko lahat bumalik ka lang, Tati!" "I loved you once, but you let me fall alone." I smiled and walked away. Tears streaming down my face. Heart's beating fast. Dizziness swallowing me. Lakad lang ako nang lakad kahit nanlalabo na ang mga paningin ko dahil sa patuloy na pagbagsak ng mga luha ko. Sayang gabi. Masaya na sana ako, e. Hindi ko namalayan ang sarili ko na nakalabas na pala ako ng event's place at nandito ako ngayon sa main entrance. Rinig ko na mula dito ang mga busina ng sasakyan dahil sa traffic. Anong oras na nga ba? Baka madaling araw na kaya malungkot na naman ako. Sinubukan kong kumuha ng grab car pero walang tumatanggap dahil sa layo ng lugar na 'to. Paano na 'ko? Tangina kasi, e. Napahinto ako sa pag-iyak nang biglang may isang magarang kotse ang pumarada mismo sa harap ko. Dahan-dahang bumaba ang bintana at--- "Can I give you a ride Tatiana Ysabelle?" ---