The past
Sometimes death is a luxury many cannot afford at the time they need it most. Many are ready to give there all just so that they can be able to breathe a little more. For most, that is the case, but for some, breathing longer is a nightmare for them.
Such a nightmare is something Essety experienced twice. Living in the most pathetic way possible, clamoring for love and attention from a man who never took a second glance at her after every s*x session. She stopped seeing it as love making as to her it was not it. He would only ever come home have s*x then be on his way like she did not exist, like she was only some object to be used and forgotten until when its usefulness was needed again.
It’s wasn’t like she could not voice out her disapproval but every time she gathered enough confidence to question him about his behavior it would in turn be a reason for him to put all the blame on her. And he would tell her that that her questioning was the reason as to why he was never home, as to why he would only ever come home have s*x with her and go spend his time at his parents home until he travelled back to his place of work.
She had always failed to understand how any of it was ever her fault. How her needing her husbands love and attention was something that put him off and became his reason for blaming her.
Was she too clingy? Was it because she loved so hard? That she deserved to suffer heart breaks and live wallowing in self-pity and blame.
And sometimes she would rather he never came back home as it would be less painful to have him so far away in both distance and heart rather than having him close to her but far away.
And just like any other girl getting into marriage, she had so much to look forward to, so many plans for her future ahead. Being so hopeful for a happy married life, but she got a nightmare instead. A life full of bitterness and loneliness, a life full of pleas and being at someone else’s mercy.
Sometimes she thought that maybe her getting pregnant when he was not prepared well enough making him marry her early, was the reason for his coldness because he sometimes did not know how to deal with the sudden responsibility. She thought of every excuse to excuse him of his bad behavior because she loved him that much. She loved him so much that she could not and refused to see the red flags.
And when she lost the baby, then another and another her heart got colder and colder. Every time she lost one, she was always alone. With every doctors appointment, every hospital emergency visit, every loss she went through, she was always alone. Her heart stopped beating, and it gradually died.
She was always his brain, that one woman who would help him out with his job duties, who would walk miles and look for contacts to help him expand his business but she was also the one forgotten when he made it to success.
She lived in a daze, spending her days uninterested in anything wishing for death every day so she could be released from her anguish and suffering.
She died at age 47 cold and alone with no child of her own just because the husband thought it was cheaper to get another wife rather than spending money on having her visit specialists for her cold womb.
And while she was on her death bed cold and alone, her husband was in the arms of his other wife sleeping peacefully and happily with kids of his own.
She was shriveled up and looked nothing like her age on her deathbed. She had given up all her energy, youth, and love to the wrong person, and she had been living like a dead person. No one knew that she was so contented to leave that she sighed in relief on her last breath.
Did she ever regret her choice to loving someone who never loved her as much as she did in return? No she never regretted it, but she did regret living for someone else who didn’t give a f**k about her.
Her only wish was to get another chance at life to finally live for herself, to finally love herself more.
