TAMED SERIES 4: CROFT GUEVARRA

Kabanata 24

Astrid

"I love you, Astrid!" one of my fans shouted at the end of my mall show.

Naghiyawan din ang iba pa. The large crowd in front of me started chanting my name, showering me with their utmost love and admiration.

Kumaway ako't pinasalamatan sila. Kung hindi lang ako naghahabol ng oras ay lalapit pa ako sa ilan at pipirmahan ang mga banner na dala nila. Sometimes I feel sorry when I couldn't spend that much time with the ones who support me. Kaya lang ay wala naman akong magagawa. Mahalaga na ngayon ang bawat oras ko.

Esnyl guided me down the stairs. Pinalibutan ako ng marshals at ihinatid sa parking lot kung nasaan ang van ko. Esnyl and I went in first while Tita Cathy stayed outside, talking with someone over the phone.

I immediately removed my high heels before I adjusted my seat. Kinuhanan naman ako ni Esnyl ng tubig nang mapawi ang panunuyo ng lalamunan ko.

"Kumusta na raw ang pakiramdam ni Adi?" I asked before taking a sip.

"Okay na raw si bakla. Nagpapalakas na lang ng katawan."

"Mabuti naman. I want to see him na."

Esnyl sighed. "Naku, hindi ka papayagan ni Tita Cathy hangga't may trangkaso pa si Adi. Alam mo naman. Masyado tayong busy para mahawa ka ng sakit."

I gave my temples some massage. Pipikit sana ako nang bumukas ang van at pumasok si Tita Cathy.

"Astrid, diretso tayo sa office," bungad niya nang makaupo sa katabi kong upuan.

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Aren't we supposed to have lunch with Ginny, Tita?"

"Ginny's on her way to the office. Kasama niya ang isang talent na napupusuan ng management bilang ka-loveteam mo."

Napalunok ako. "Is that necessary? I mean, having a loveteam?"

"Aba natural? Mahirap mag-survive sa industriya na wala kang established love team. Yes, I know you're great at what you do, but if you want to create a steady, if not a soaring career, you're gonna have to feed people's fantasies."

I sighed. Hindi naman bago sa akin ang pakikipagtambal. I already did a couple of romance films. One was with Marlon and the other one was with Carlos. Both are well-known and established actors with no exclusive partners as their loveteams.

I wonder if one of them is the guy Tita Cathy is eyeing to be my love team? They're both great and we do have the chemistry on screen, but I am not really comfortable around them on a deeper level.

Or maybe, I will never be comfortable around someone on a deeper level, kasi ayaw ko naman talaga sana ng ka-loveteam. Sa industriya kasi, kapag sinabing loveteam, automatic magkarelasyon na rin sa mata ng madla. Mahal n'yo man ang isa't isa o hindi. The decision to be together isn't in your hands. It's in the people who will support you, which kind'a sucks regardless of how much I love my fans.

Isa pa, hindi ko pa masabing willing na akong umaktong in love sa isang tao kahit na alam ko sa sarili kong hindi pa ako okay. Yes, it's been three years since I got ditched by Croft, but the pain remains the same.

Ni kaunti, hindi nabawasan ang sakit. Siguro dahil . . . hindi ko handang hilumin. I don't want to. My pain fuels me to soar higher in my career, hoping that if I'll make it on top, he will regret leaving me for someone else. Someone he thought was a better choice.

Pumikit na lamang ako nang manikip ang dibdib dahil sa naalala. Tita Cathy told me a few things about this newbie actor they think has a good chemistry with me but I wasn't really paying attention. Nakikinig lang ako't sumasagot kung kailangan.

Isang oras kaming nagbyahe patungo ng office dahil sa traffic. Nakaidlip pa ako sa byahe kahit paano. Ginising lang ako ni Esnyl nang mai-park na ang van.

We went out and took the elevator. Pagdating sa meeting room ay naroroon na si Ginny kasama ang aktor na sinasabi nila.

The guy looks anxious but I saw a hint of admiration in his eyes. He's like a typical fanboy with a blockbuster face card. I think I've seen him before. Isn't he part of a band or something?

"Astrid, this is Crude Andrade. He's gonna be your loveteam in your next film."

Ngumiti ang lalake sa akin matapos siyang ipakilala ni Ginny. He extended his shaking hand as he nervously introduced himself.

"H-Hi. I'm a big fan."

I forced a smile and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you. I think I've seen you before."

I saw embarrassment sketched his face a bit. "Ako 'yong singer ng banda sa unang pelikula mo with Marlon."

"Oh, that's why you're familiar. Ang ganda ng boses mo. Bakit papasok ka pa ng pag-arte?"

"They said I have a better chance in acting since musicians and singers don't get enough breaks in the country."

"Gano'n din naman sa pagiging aktor," kumento ko.

"That's why we're pairing you up," sabat ni Tita Cathy. "Maganda ang chemistry n'yo. A lot of people noticed a clip from your movie with Marlon. Let's review it."

The staff opened the large television and played a clip taken out from my movie with Marlon. It was at the bar where Marlon and I were doing the closure scene.

Ginny pointed the screen. "You see that? While you were looking at Marlon, the vocalist which is Crude, was staring at you. Habang pinanghihinayangan ng karakter mo si Marlon, inaasam ka naman ng karakter ni Crude. He was supposed to be an extra, pero parang mas gumawa pa ng ingay si Crude kaysa kay Marlon dahil sa isang scene na 'to. A lot of people noticed it, so we are going to give them more of the two of you."

Tumikhim ako't inilapit ang ulo sa tainga ni Ginny. "Please tell me this isn't your idea?"

She giggled. "It is. You're welcome."

I sighed. I knew it!

Tita Cathy discussed her plans for me and Crude. I tried to pay attention to the details even when deep down inside, I wanted to protest against having an exclusive loveteam. Meanwhile, Crude keeps stealing glances on my direction. Kapag titingnan ko ay kaagad na iiwas ng tingin na parang nahihiya.

Halos isang oras din kaming nag-meeting. Noong natapos ay nagsabi na akong uuwi na muna para i-check si Papa.

"B-Bye, Astrid. I'll see you tomorrow," pahabol ni Crude. Muntik tuloy matawa si Esnyl dahil ang cute daw nitong kabahan.

I gave Crude a forced smile. "Bye. Nice meeting you."

Tumalikod na ako't umalis ng meeting room. Kinurot ko pa si Esnyl sa tagiliran dahil inaasar ako.

"Tigilan mo ko, Esnyl. Tara na at baka matigas na naman ang ulo ni Papa kay Nurse Dondi."

I was able to buy a house in the metro for us. Nakakuha na rin ako ng kasambahay at private nurse para sa tatay ko.

I've earned more than I could spend in the past three years. Paano ay unang pelikula pa lang ay humakot na ako ng award sa role ko bilang si Becka. I will forever be grateful to that character. It opened doors that I thought would forever remain shut for me.

Ginamit ko ang mga kinita ko para makapagpundar ng bahay para sa aming mag-ama. Bumili rin ako ng sasakyang magagamit kapag magpapa-check up siya. Sa pribadong ospital ko siya ipinapagamot at ipinapa-therapy. Binalikan ko rin ang mga taong tumulong sa amin noong mga panahong walang-wala pa kami.

The rest of my money went to my savings and investment accounts. Para kung dumating ang araw na hindi na ako sikat, may sapat pa ring perang pantustos sa mga pangangailangan.

Truly, our lives changed right when I thought I was already on the verge of giving up in life. Kaya hangga't kaya kong alagaan ang career ko ay ginagawa ko. If having a love team is one way to show how much I appreciate the break given to me, then so be it. Hindi naman kailangang ma-in love ako nang totohanan kay Crude. He looks nice anyway.

Dumating kami sa bahay. Pagpasok ko pa lang sa pinto ay naririnig ko na si Papa na mukhang inaaaway na naman ang nurse niya. Hindi pa rin siya nakakapagsalita nang tuwid, at iisang pangalan pa rin ang binabanggit niya hanggang ngayon.

Ang pangalan ng ex ko.

"Nurse Dondi, anong nangyayari?" tanong ko nang maabutan ko sila sa sala.

Tumingin sa akin ang nurse ni Papa. "Ma'am Astrid, si Sir kasi naging aggressive no'ng napanood niya sa TV 'yong scene sa kulungan. Ngayon ayaw na hong uminom ng gamot."

Papa tried his best to grab my arm. He then jerked his head as if he was trying to point the large flat screen TV.

"Kof. K-Kof . . ."

Lumunok ako nang magsimula na namang manikip ang dibdib ko. "Pa, kailangan mong uminom ng gamot."

Frustration glistened in his eyes as if he's getting mad because I couldn't get what he was trying to tell me. Paulit-ulit niyang binanggit ang pangalan ni Croft sa hirap at utal na paraan. Tila may nais talagang ipaintindi sa akin.

Ang tagal din bago ko siya napakalma. His nurse was able to give him his meds. Noong antukin na ay ipinahatid ko na sa kwarto niya saka ako pumanhik sa itaas. Nagpaiwan naman sa baba si Esnyl para chikahin ang nurse na alam kong kursunada niya.

I went to my room and sat on the dresser. Isa-isa kong hinubad ang mga alahas ko. Nang matanggal ang lahat ay napatitig ako sa sarili kong repleksyon.

I look . . . different from the Astrid years ago. No, I didn't undergo any surgery to enhance my features. I only went to derma to achieve an artista skin but that's it. Nothing was really done to make me look like a completely different person.

Pero hindi ang itsura ko ang sinasabi kong nagbago. My eyes, they're the same. The shape, the color, it's still the same pair of eyes, but something was missing.

The glow in my eyes when I was still in love. When I was still whole within.

I pursed my lips. I am grateful for everything I have, but sometimes I can still feel the gap in my heart that I know my success as an actress could never fill.

No, not sometimes. Most of the time. Ramdam ko pa rin ang kulang sa buhay ko. Ramdam ko pa rin ang bagay na pwersahang inagaw ng tadhana mula sa akin.

Lumamlam ang aking mga mata. I hugged myself before I smiled at my reflection. Slowly, my tears began to build up in the corners of my eyes, and after a long day of acting tough and happy, I was finally able to become vulnerable. To embrace my pain and anger.

My lower lip trembled as anger filled my heart.

Habambuhay na ang galit ko para sa'yo, Croft. Pinapangako ko 'yan . . .