This love

Everything feels like it's in slow motion. It feels like the world is moving forward and jack is just standing there, not knowing what comes next. He tries to convince himself that this is not happening, that maybe he's dreaming, but it doesn't help when thousands of students are screaming over his head and trying to get a better look. He's standing in the corner of the university's library looking at the body that used to be his girlfriend, eyes open, body cold, no pulse, time of death- between 2 and 4 am . Above her on the bookshelves, she wrote in big bold letters "YOU FAILED ME". Nobody knows who she's referring to, but everyone knows one thing that is she's gone . On the day of her funeral, everyone is expecting jack to say something, but he feels that he's still moving in slow motion. He doesn't know squat what to do next.Grief is like sitting for an exam where you haven't studied for the subject and you're never sure which is the write answer. When he got up to the stage,he.. he... he... He couldn't remember her last words. He couldn't remember anything, last touch,last smile,last date, last kiss nothing. It was like someone wiped his memory. Jack was a med student and unlike others his soul wasn't sucked by medicine. He actually loved med school. He loved studing and excelling at exams , he liked knowing everything. His phone was filled with trivial quizzes and crossword puzzles because he was always challenging himself, he wanted to be the best. But right now, well right now he knew nothing, no idea, how to speak, how to move, how to breathe. He felt like he was failing at this which tortured him even more. He was failing this, he failed her.... After the gruesome funeral where everyone stared at jack to say something about his dead girlfriend and silence is all that followed, he couldn't be here anymore, he just couldn't , it was killing him ,suffocating him, so even though he knew as a good boyfriend he's supposed to comfort her parents, but in order to survive, he left. As he was walking towards nowhere,feeling numb,rethinking his reason to keep going, to keep living, he's jolted out of his thoughts by a very cheery, super chirpy, and well quite talkative barista. He realises he's in a cafe which he doesn't even know the name of anx whilst he's figuring all that out, the barista keeps going on with her suggestions of coffee,frappuccino,lattes,espresso with all the weird combinations possible. He was thinking one minute and when he jumps back to reality the conversation although very one sided with the barista moved from suggestions of coffee to why she loves desserts and how she'd love to own a bakery in paris and wear dresses and feel like the protagonist of a romantic feel good movie. Jack is amused by her, specially her ability to just go on and on and on and the fact that nothing fazes her. He's sure that even devil himself can't wipe that smile from her face, it's so infuriating yet just so infecting. It maies him want to smile , which is weird as an hour ago he felt as if he was incapable of feeling anything and now he's collided with a burst of emotion. He doesn't say anything though, he's not there yet, he feels as if he'd be committing a crime if he spoke , if he did anything human, because according to him to would be mocking her very not human girlfriend. He felt guilty of even being alive but he didn't know it yet, he just knew that he failed her..But when he doesn't say anything unlike others who make it way too awkward for anyone to move on from the conversation, the barista just walks away, she comes back with some drink that he doesn't know but looks awfully pink and a plate with devilish brownies chocolate dripping out of them.She doesn't give him any sympathy, but she also doesn't him as a weird person. She just accepts him the way he is . She goes on again with her tales during the entire time he's eating those brownies and that not so awful pink drink. One thing he does remember though out of everything she says is that " I think philosophers are head over heels about what is the purpose of our life, what defines is, what life is all about, honestly they just overcomplicate it. It's simple, very simple, you should always be defined by the things you love, not the nightmares and baggage and what not, it's all about love, that's why I brought you this, it's my comfort order, sugar and carbs is all what I need when I wallow" Jack repeats this one line in his head over and over again "You are Defined by what you love......"