LOVE- ing DENIAL

“Lets end this !” I never thought I’d ever say those words but here I am, without remorse ripping the heart that was once mine . Durdy stood still without a word ,his silence said a thousand words and more ,his eyes burned red with his fist clenched by his side . He never expected this ,I never did too! I never wanted this to happen but I’d be damned if I remain a blind bird just as he is blind . His eyes filled with tears staring at my direction but not at me, without any movement ,his mouth slightly open ,trying so hard to say the things he really wanted to but couldn’t .He finally blinked ,letting out those tear drops ,now all I see is a broken man . He dropped on his knees, I wanted him to hate me just as much as I did despised him ,say those hurtful words ,I was prepared for the worst that could ever happen . “Don’t! Please !”. Those were the last words I expected from Durdy ,the very last ! .How did we even get here? How ? He was my best man ,and I, his best lady .Our love story was meant to be happily ever after . “ Don’t make this any harder D, you took the one thing that made my world. You were there when it happened ! You took me for a fool ,didn’t you ?Did you think showing me this much love is enough to pay for the life you took ?because you knew all these while but you kept quiet . I promised to accept your past so I deserved this much ,the truth !” . I badly wanted a response but he faced down avoiding my gaze ,it angered me even more “Answer me !” I yelled .The fences I built melted away and turned to tears when he touched my feet ,those warm hands were once my comfort ,the very arms I run to when I needed his love and comfort !. I slowly stepped back ,a feet at a time . “Yes its all my fault and yes ,she died because of me but I never meant for it to happen , please ! Don’t leave ,don’t…!” his words choke him ,he fought his tears trying to speak “I beg of you don’t “ his hands searching the ground ,trying to find my feet . Durdy Is blind ,but he wasn’t from birth ,at least that’s the one honest thing he has ever told me . “ Blind! did you see her? ” ,my heart raced a thousand miles searching for the right words “did you see her face ?” I asked again . “Yes“ YES? 4years ! What manner of man did I love for 4years ? That cold response squeezing the life out of my heart like sucking juice out of an orange, it hurt ! I never did see her face the night she died but he saw hers . I couldn’t stand the sight of him anymore, not with what he just confirmed . “Thank you for your honesty “ ,I said turning to leave. “ Thank you for ruining my life Durdy ,thank you. Make sure you never forget that face ,that’s what her mother looks like “ . I could hear his footsteps behind me as I walked down the stairs of his house , he called out my name ,stammering and struggling to find me but I made sure not to turn back lest I show him any pity . “Annie ! A n n niiie ,wai wait !” ,his words became faint as I walked farther Then I heard a loud sound of something heavy hit and tumbling sort of .He probably bumped into a table or something ,I thought to myself as I stepped out of the house into my car and zoomed off. “YES!”, he said . Those words played repeatedly in my heart as I drove angrily. Pulling up at my apartment ,I search the car for my phone “oh no! Damn it !”,banging my fist against the passenger’s seat, I dropped my bag at Durdy's apartment ,I’d have to return to the last place I’d rather be. This time yesterday morning ,Durdy was still my definition of life after I lost Shina,my daughter. My girl with big dreams ,she was going to conquer the world . ****** Choosing to become a single mother is a decision I’d never regret . The bond I and Shina share since her birth is unbreakable even till death . From her firm grip while we walked ,to the warm hugs and kisses we share, to mother – daughter bonding nights . It was a connection more than motherly love ,it was true love . Seeing Shina smile each day gave me purpose ,even when work keeps me away for hours ,I never disappoint my girl, she deserved the best . “Mum ! When I grow older I’d get you a big house “ ,shina opened her arms wide demonstrating how big the house was going to be .” I’d buy you everything you want even if you want the whole world. I’d buy the moon if you want .You like the stars too ? I’d buy it “ “ dreaming big again ! Do that and when you conquer the world ,I’d be right there to give you the right push ,mama promise “ .The little child had only lived a decade but her dreams are unbelievable .True, she dreams of the impossible like every other child but for some reasons I believed she could achieve them . “Mummy , will you take me to Sam’s birthday party this evening ? Please ,please ! Aunt Sherlyn invited me personally !” her deep brown eyes whenever she begged were irresistible . I have loads of work to finish up at the office and meet deadlines ,attending that party isn’t an option “ I can’t make it Shina , I have to be at the office . But since Aunt Sherlyn did invite you to her son’s party ,I’d drop you off and come get you when work is done ,okay ? “You never attend any of the parties with me “ Shina frowned ,wrapped her arms by her side “ I’d attend the next ,I promise “ “you promise “ ,she said smiling with her chubby cheeks blushing pink Dropping Shina at Aunt Sherlyn’s ,she was so excited that she dropped from the car in a haste, forgetting something. “Shina!” I called out her name loud enough so she could hear me “Shina, aren’t you forgetting something? “ “No mum , I got his present right here !”,she turned walking towards the car “Won’t I get any hugs or kisses ? you never forget that “ “I never forget mum ,you’d get your hugs and kisses when you come get me . I want to make sure you come yourself and not send your secretary. My hugs don’t go out for free mum ” ,Shina gave a mild smile What a smart move, I thought to myself ,heaven knows I wasn’t planning on picking her up ,the meeting with Directors would take forever ,I can’t let her stay up all night waiting .what do I do ? “Ohhhh,so you are trying to outsmart me huhn . Alright then ,I’d have Ain’t Sherlyn drop you at the bus terminal just at the junction ,when my meeting is over ,okay ? “Okay,I love you “,Shina kissed her palm and blew me a kiss **** “how can that be? “ ,Mr Andrews asked ,agitated he banged the table just before him .Whatever it was ,it must have really upset him “you won’t be able to see anymore if the operation doesn’t go as planned . it’s a 20/200 “ ,the doctor said looking into the files in his hands ,he continued “Mr Andrews ,its not even a 50/50 . You can still manage it since its partial ,let’s not risk your total eye sight “ “ That’s why I’m paying this huge sum ,so you’d use only the best and give me the best “ “I know how you feel but ” “No buts Sam. You know this better than anyone . I stand to lose a lot ! Sometimes I look but I see nothing ,I want my eye sight back completely . Sometimes I can’t even recognize own mother other times I cant recognize myself . You have no idea what it feels like “ “Durdy ,listen to me . we’ve done series of test . You are not in a good condition for an operation, your retina is real weak . Think about it , if you still want it you can get back to me tomorrow. Mind you without the operation ,you still got some months more before complete blindness, even though you get to see partially . if you go ahead with operation, you could be lucky else “,at this point the obvious consequence was known to Durdy but he was unwilling to accept the truth . Durdy staggered out of the office . Everything used to be so luminous but now both his present and future is blurry . He’s not sure about the next step he took lest he fall while he walked . Yet he’s forced to make a decision that ‘determine how much more steps he’d take without falling to his death since he might lose his sight forever . His stubbornness won’t let him have a rethink , his mind was made up -the operation must push through .Since the operation was a very risky one ,taking a night walk in the streets of Ikorodu,Lagos was the best to fill his eyes while he yet can. He packed his jeep at the hospital parking space .”Mr Andrews ,make sure to avoid night walks or drive. It can go real bad “,Doctor Sam always warned ,one night walk wouldn’t harm anyone , he suppose . Ikorudu streets was ever busy ,it’s a norm each night to be stuck in never ending traffic . Everyone returning home after a long day at a job some most definitely have no passion for . Their impatience while on the road was second to none ,at this hour, no one can claim rights over road use ,everyone is on the right lane .You either drive around the long traffic, drive through BRT lane praying no officer was on duty or play ‘Mr Patience' while using 10hours for a 30 min journey . “pim pim piiiiiimmmm” Durdy laughed as he imitates the sound car horn ,impatient drivers !. Soon enough ,if the operation doesn’t go as planned ,he might have to work with sounds and not sight .Durdy raised his chin up and took a deep breath of cold air polluted by wastes from big trucks .He believed he’d be fine ,he made a short prayer in his heart . He hasn’t been to church in years ,but at least he knows God isn’t so ruthless that he’d discard a sincere prayer .His Sunday school teacher , while he was younger made sure to emphasize on that . As he closed his eyes, enjoying the cool breeze and all the bamboo sounds he could hear ,something smelled familiar ,like spicy roasted meat ,suya!. He walked further , “Ahhhhh customer ! Welcome ! How much suya you go buy? “ ,the old man selling meat spoke in vernacular. He recognized Durdy too well ,he wasn’t a customer you easily forget . “A thousand “ . It’s been ages since he last had a taste of this . It used to be Lillian’s favorite, his ex girlfriend . She can almost ask for a truck filled with suya on every date they went .It’s all history now, a girl of her class couldn’t afford to be with a blind man . He couldn’t blame her , he wouldn’t settle for less either ,he hated who he had become . One night ,he couldn’t tell the difference between Lilian and her friend ,she was greatly embarrassed and called off the relationship. ” your eyes might be blind ,but I least expected your heart to be blind as well ! So much for love ” ,her last words to him . “Madam ,what about Madam? Inside car ? “ ,the meat seller asked after Lilian . Durdy turned away avoiding questions, the meat seller understood that signal .Wrapping the spiced meat in paper ,he handed it Durdy . He shook his head ,refusing payments “ just take it ! Come back again to buy more ,then you can pay “. Durdy nodded and walked to the bus station , his sight was unusually blur ,a taxi is the best option . Walking to the bus station alone was a tough one but he managed to .Now ,he regretted going against Doctor Sam’s instructions . He sat patiently waiting for the next bus heading his direction to pass by. He was contemplating sitting somewhere else ,where he sat didn’t feel comfortable , he felt a tap on his shoulder ,he shook in fear “sorry I startled you “ ,a little girl said “Shuuu “ he waved her off in disgust ,”I don’t have any money” ,especially not to beggars “Mum told me never to beg . You’re sitting on my book . You saw it but acted blind , I want my book “,she demanded angrily “ohhh” ashamed Durdy stood up and let her pick her book “hold on ,your mum told you never to beg but she left you all alone at this hour ,how pathetic!” “Aunt Sherlyn just left ,mum said she’s at the next bus stop . She’d be here any minute, probably stuck in traffic “ They sat quietly some minutes more , Durdy couldn’t wait for the bus any longer ,he stood ready to leave “Can you stay a little longer ?,I’m scared . Mama is taking too long ,we can drop you off if you want “ “your mum thought you everything .Didn’t she warn you about strangers ? “ “You won’t harm me ,will you ?I feel I can trust you . If you won’t stay , can I please make a call with your phone ? I promise ,I won’t take long “ “why should I trust you ? You can run off with my phone “ “you can see my face. Can’t you ? I won’t run off “,she stretched out her hand ,waiting for Durdy to hand over his phone but he didn’t . • “ I didn’t see your book earlier ,what makes you think I can see your face ? Call out her number ,I’d put through a call myself “ Durdy listened carefully as the little girl called out her mother’s phone number . It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have her mother’s number ,who knows she might be pretty just like her daughter .He immediately discarded his thought ,the child definitely has a father . He dailed severally but got no response, he became suspicious of the young child “ Are you sure its her number ,it’s taking her forever to pick up “ “I’m extra sure . She must be caught up in something .I’m worried ! Mr ,will you be kind enough to wait a little longer ,I’m scared “ “ No I can’t ,I’m not a babysitter . “,he barked “Please Mister ! “ ,she grabbed his arm “ its late ! If you won’t t stay ,please walk me to Aunt Sherlyn's . it’s just across the road ,you don’t have to come in ” “I’m heading this direction “ ,he pointed in a different direction from her description . Durdy wasn’t sure either where he should head ,his sight had blacked out .The bus would have made things easier . He wants to leave but he could not leave the child all on her own . “How about we try Aunt Sherlyn's number so she can come pick you up .How could she be so careless as to leaving you here on your own “ “I don’t know her number . Besides ,she didn’t want to leave ,mum assured she was close by and didn’t want to keep Aunt Sherlyn waiting “ “Always defensive. Your mum must be a superhero “ Grudgingly, Durdy decided to take responsibility for the child’s safety . If he was a bad person ,he would have had his way with the poor defenseless child .Taking her by the hand ,he took a step into the road when a reckless driver in full speed zoomed right in front of him ,startled he stepped back . “Mister are you okay ? Didn’t you see the car coming ? “,she asked with concern “How about I tell you a little secret , I can’t see but I’m not blind either . The night isn’t my best time of the day . The most I can do is help you cross the road and head back “ “ let me help you “ ,she held his hands firmly as they walked across the road ,luckily no car drove passed them . Durdy was grateful ,he never asked anyone for help even at his worst . For the first time ,he had someone help him out of his difficulty .The little child still didn’t let go of his hand ,they stood quietly . Durdy looked at her ,trying so hard to see her face clearly but it hurt whenever he tried so hard . “Oh no!” ,Durdy exclaimed checking his pockets “what Mister? Did something happen ?” “no ,nothing ! I left something I bought at the bus terminal “ “oh “ ,she finally let go of his hands “ I’ll help you get it ,wait here .” Gradually, as she walked across the road ,his sight became clearer bit by bit, he could at least give her directions when a bus is coming . For a child this small ,she sure got some courage . She got his package and watched carefully before crossing back . Getting to the middle of the road ,Durdy smiled ,he could see her face clearly, what a beautiful child ,he thought to himself . Then he looked confused ,he wasn’t sure what he saw ,she stopped ,why? “Misterrrrrrrrr! “ ,she cried out Durdy couldn’t see a thing . For a minute the street was dead silent ,next, he heard screeching sound of car brake headed her direction. The car headlights shone so bright in his eyes that he couldn’t see a thing . The driver was trying so hard to halt but was already on full speed , then a collision .”No ! “ Durdy still could not see a thing but he rushed into the road to find the young child when the driver zoomed off .”I cant see ! I cant see !!” .He wasn’t sure the direction to walk, he could hear voices ,people had already gathered .He tried so hard to find the little girl but the crowd tossed him here and there ,until he fell to the ground .For minutes ,the crowd kept increasing, . He didn’t know her name ,how could he possibly claim he knows her so the crowd would let him through . “To the hospital!”, that was the last thing he heard before the crowd vanished . Thankfully ,he had someone help him to the bus stop to wait for a bus. No one listened to him or answered his questions ,what could a blind man possibly know about an accident? . This time ,his sight wasn’t blur, he was completely blind . He reached out to his pocket for his phone ,shivering ,he tried making a call ,but couldn’t punch in his password .He waited for hours ,trying so hard to see something ,when his phone vibrated . Finally, a call ,he didn’t know who ,but it was an answer to his prayer . “Hello ! Hello !!” ,Durdy sounded desperate “Durdy where are you ? I was informed you had your car packed at the hospital “ “Sam ! Sam , I need your help “,wimping “Where are you ? Where ?!” “ bus , bus terminal “ “ the hell Durdy ,I warned ! What bus station Durdy ? “ Stammering ,Durdy wiped the tears from his face with the back of his palm,” after the suya spots “ “Don’t leave there ,I’m on my way !“ Durdy wept like a child ,he never imagined that little girl would be the last person he’d see before he lost his sight .She died trying to help him. **** Parking out Durdy’s apartment , a lot of cars were parked, not just any car but I was certain one belonged to Officer Timothy, just the right person I needed to call that had me return for my phone . Whatever drama Durdy pulled to get some cops here must be grand . Walking into his house , I observed quietly ,something had to be wrong ,there was bloodstain down the stairs. “That’s her ! Officer ! “ a woman pointed at me. Durdy’s house help , Ekaete. The officer interrogating turned ,it was officer Timothy . “ Miss Anita, you ? Why are you here ?”,he asked looking surprised “What’s going on? Why did she point at me?” “I asked a question ,its best you answer me first “ ,he said with a stern look “ To get my phone ,I mean ,my bag . I was here earlier to”, officer Timothy cut me short, “you were what? Are you aware of what happened to Mr Andrews an hour ago “ “I told you ,I was here .If I’m not mistaken ,it should be about an hour ago . What is it ?” “You sure got nerves to return after what you did. You under arrest miss Anita “ “Durdy should be under arrest ,not me ,he murdered my daughter !” “ And you thought the best way to seek justice ,is to kill him ?” Now, I had no idea what was going on ,am I being framed ? Was there a mix up or something ? How could I possibly kill anyone ? I needed someone to answer my questions as I looked at Officer Timothy while he handcuffed me. “I don’t understand Timothy “ “Officer Timothy “,he corrected pushing me forward “ I least expected this from you ! I told you I and my team would work on this case ,but no, you took law in your own hands . Now an innocent man is dead ,you killed him “ “ what?!” ,I yelled “ Durdy isn’t dead ,is he ? “ “ You killed oga Durdy , he pushed him down the stairs ! “ ,his house help pointed accusing finger again “Timothy ! Officer Timothy “ ,I immediately corrected myself “ I still don’t understand what’s happening. Durdy can’t be dead, I was here ,and we spoke .Yes we argued but I didn’t” “ let me help you understand. Durdy was there the night Shina died ,in fact they were together ,but he wasn’t the driver that hit your daughter that night “ . This had to be a joke ! He killed her! He admitted it ,he saw her ! Officer Timothy continued ,” Yes ,he called with a private number like you said the supposed murderer did . In your report with us ,you mentioned you do not answer such calls ,for some security reasons ,which is why you did pick up that night “ “yes ,I don’t pick up such calls , I told you in the report . The company i worked for was dealing with some anonymous threats at that time which was why a meeting was arranged that damn day “ “ You might want to watch your words miss .The report I received was that a driver hit Shina and zoomed off immediately, he had no reason to call nor did he have the time . Mr Andrew called that night at the request of your daughter, who you carelessly kept waiting “ “How did you know that ? It’s a lie!” “Two days ago, I had my assistant get the CCTV footage of that night. Luckily one was installed at that very bus stop .Every detail Mr Andrews gave me last night ,was a match . He went blind that same night ,and yes shina was the last person he saw before he went blind , he couldn’t help. Durdy for security reasons or some personal discretion made use of private number even till date . Luckily ,the CCTV footage showed the driver’s plate number, he’d be arrested soon .” “That’s not possible “ “ its not just possible but that’s what actually happened . Now I’m wondering why you never took up this case until now, its been four years! And why did you have to kill Durdy ?” “ Durdy and I were going to get married soon ,I needed to put an end to the past that hunted me . The past I ignored and wanted to move on from . I needed to seek justice for Shina. I didn’t do it all these years because I lived blaming myself for not being there ! And yes ,we had an argument like I once said and I heard something hit hard while I was leaving . I was too angry to turn so I left ! Believe me “ “ I can’t possibly believe you ,same way you didn’t believe Mr Andrews, until there is proof . Meanwhile you and his help will be needed at the police station ,move” I didn’t move an inch ,I couldn’t . I was too shocked to believe all that had happened ,its all too sudden .Now ,I’m being treated like criminal. Durdy ,dead ? My throat was too tight to even allow me swallow the truth . Everything within me paused ,everything!. All I could think of was Durdy ,I should have believed him ,or even turn to see what had happened to him ,how could I be so selfish and heartless . Officer Timothy, without mercy dragged me out the house while the help followed willingly , her eyes were swollen red from crying . Ekaete ,has worked as Durdy's help for the past 9years and he made sure to treat her like family . **** In loving memory of a brother ,friend and mentor ,Mr Durdy Andrews Feb 17 1981-2021. Rest in peace … my eyes mapped out those words inscribed on a stone ,where Durdy was buried, I still remember his 40th birthday like it was yesterday . Just like in the beginning, I never thought I’d say goodbye . I never got to attend his burial ,my memories of Durdy was still alive . Tears fill my eyes, my heat squeezing in pain . On my knees, trembling , I fetched a hand full of sand and let the wind blow it away . “ I’m sorry ! I wasn’t there even when you called out my name . I shouldn’t be free right now because I did kill you . I turned my back on you and that’s enough to kill a heart that truly is in love . Even the gift you left behind hurts me, how could you ?!” , I wept banging my fist against the ground “ tormenting me with so much good I never deserved but I still love you “ . And to the woman I’d forever love ,I’m sure that by now you must have found out about Shina . If you can ,forgive me,I pray you find peace with yourself . I couldn’t bring myself to tell you about that night after I realized she was yours . I never forgave myself for her death ,it should have been me. I loved you too much to tell you ,but she changed my life . She had to be the last person I’d ever see on this earth . When I remember her ,I see you ,the woman I love . I always tell myself that ,the day you leave me ,that’d be the day I die but I still pray for long life ,how ironic . I hope you stay alive and fulfil all your dreams . I ,Durdy Andrews hereby will all I have in your name, Anita Matthews . I’d forever love you. I still remember those words his lawyer read to me the night I was free from the murder charges .I was proven innocent of Durdy’s murder ,but of a truth , I was guilty . From Shina's death to Durdy , life continues to be unfair yet I must remain alive .Continue living ! that’s the most I can do ,I suppose . THE END