Hidden in Plain Sight

Why can't I stop thinking of him?!? Why can't I get over him?!? He became selfish, standoffish, unaffectionate, and cold at the end, yet here I am grieving for him. Why do these thoughts constantly plague me? These thoughts are consuming me, as we sit here on our favorite couch in the student lounge. This is my happy place. This is our throne. This is where we catch up on our day, make plans for the weekend, share our fantasies, and talk about our dreams. Yet, I cannot get Miles out of my head and be in the moment. It doesn't matter what is going on around me, I just can't focus on anything or anyone. My memories are constantly replaying as if we were star-struck lovers in a movie and telling myself, how I miss his scent, his touch, his lips on me, his caress, the way he called me a doll, and how passionate he was. I find myself consumed with how vivid my memories are. The passionate way he caressed me and made me feel so sensual and desirable. I felt this awakened connection between us. Something I have never felt before with anyone. But unfortunately, that feeling was not mutual. He was so good at breadcrumbing and I was so foolish to accept it. I carry this ache in my heart that just doesn't want to let me go. But, I must pretend I am OK and unaffected by this break-up. I need to pretend that my heart is not shattered in a million pieces. Suddenly, Tiff snaps me out of my thoughts. "Ava, are you listening to me?!? Are you serious!!! I have been sitting here for the last twenty minutes telling you what is happening to me! I bet you cannot remember a word." Tiff said this with such disdain in her voice. You could hear how aggravated Tiff was with me, as she sucked her teeth and gave me a side-eye look. I rushed to apologize and said, "Oh, Tiff I'm so sorry for getting lost in my own thoughts and for not being thoughtful of your feelings." As I said this, I made sure I had the most sincere apologetic look on my face, even though I thought she was the most insensitive person alive at that moment. Her reaction surprised me because she has always been so supportive and sensitive to me. Too bad I wasn't paying attention to her rant, but whatever is going on with her must be major because she doesn't normally complain. But, of course, I apologize because the last thing I wanted was Tiff to be upset with me. She accepted me with open arms and made me feel so welcome. I can never risk losing her friendship. Her friendship means the world to me. Tiff gave me a sad pouty face and said, "I forgive you. You haven't been yourself lately, so I'll accept your apology, but don't let this become a habit. I need my wingwoman!" Tiffany Devane is one of the most popular girls in school. Tiff is beautiful, petite, lean and bewitching. Her exotic features captivate you the minute you meet her. Tiff's mother is Norwegian and her father is Japanese. Tiff has the most beautiful Asian eyes, which are ice blue, and such gorgeous blonde hair. She is a 5'3'' powerhouse! She has this power over men that is so magical to watch. She comes from a wealthy family and her every desire is granted. Her father is an orthopedic surgeon in town and her mother is on the Independence Country Club membership board. I am so honored she is my best friend. She took me under her wing in the summer leading into Freshman year. I secretly wish I could have her confidence. The boys run the minute she snaps her fingers. She walks these halls like she owns Independence High School. Tiff is definitely bewitching and she knows her craft. She is known as one of the popular girls here at Independence High and, because of association, so am I. But secretly, I am the most insecure girl here. The world perceives me as this perfect girl who knows what she wants and where she is headed. Just because I am pretty, know how to dress, do my hair & makeup. People perceive me a certain way. Yet, I am still that awkward, clumsy and goofy girl inside. That insecure girl that still feels so different than she looks. Why does society judge you and expect you to be a certain way based on your looks? Do they not realize that the most beautiful girl in the room is usually the most insecure? I guess they don't! What's that expression? Fake it until you make it. Unfortunately, it's become my way of surviving in this world. I guess you can say it's my life motto now. But life has a way of spinning itself and taking you down paths you didn't expect. I was not prepared for what was in store for me and how my life was about to change.