HE WAS A SHE

CHAPTER 4: A DIFFERENT SIDE I DIDN’T EXPECTED

“Every person has two sides—the good and the bad.” That’s what my mom would always tell me when she was still perfectly fine. The good side, of course, is the part we just wanted to show to the world. In the kind of society we live in, it’s hard to be real because there are a lot of things others can say about us at any time. Doing the right thing is not always the best thing. Because along the way, there are people we can hurt in the process. Showing goodness can sometimes lead us to more trouble. Sometimes, we have to put on a mask to survive. Even the people we think did wrong and bad things have a good side he or she is hiding. Not because he doesn’t want to show it, but because he thought being bad makes the people around him fear and will not dare to take advantage of his goodness. But whatever side we choose to show to the world, at the end of the day, the real measure of whether which side is right is always whether we are happy or not at the end of the day. Since the day I promised to take avenge for what they did to my family, I only imprinted a bad side of him on my mind. He is my enemy. He is bad. And I will make them pay together with his family.

***

“Cheers!” I shouted. “Hey! Bottoms up!” I added while trying to pour a glass of beer into Bobby’s glass.

“Hey! Stop it!” Bobby took my glass and threw the beer on the ground. “You’re already drunk. So, let’s just wrap up the night. Okay? You have work for tomorrow.” He added while grabbing my hands and helping me get up.

“I’m not drunk!” I shouted while trying to stand straight and grinning my teeth.

“Let’s go!” He added while trying to pull me out of getting seated and drink one more shot.

But since I couldn’t take a straight path from walking and eventually ended up doing a zigzag walk along the corners of the dim-lighted street, Bobby carried me on his back. Just like how he used to be when we were still in college, carrying me on his back whenever I had a bad day, wrapping me with his warm embrace, all his simple gestures telling me everything would be fine have always had the same effect on me—it washes all the worries away. I was a bit tipsy but I could see the warmth of his body. The same warmth my dad would give me whenever I’m having a bad day. Just a simple hug washes away everything. I don’t know what’s different about my dad’s hug, but all I know is dad has that magic of soothing my sadness and anger away. And today, I needed it the most. The warmth of his hug would tell me everything was going to be okay. Everything would pass and life would go on.

“What would I do without him?” I told myself. A drop of tears fell down my cheeks. I tried to wipe it without getting noticed by him.

“Ugh! Did you finally sober up?” He asked. “Ah! You must be. Looking at how you get so emotional by this, you finally get back in your senses.”

But I remained quiet and just let my tears flow like a river. I don’t, but drinking has a different effect on me. Others would say drinking helps them forget, that’s why they drink until wasted. But for me, the more I get drunk, the more I remember the things I don’t want to remember.

“It must have been tough,” Bobby uttered.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“The first day of work?” He added. “Why? Did your boss do something to piss you off? Did he say something to you to suddenly cry like that?”

“No,” I uttered.

“You know it’s not too late to back out, right?” He said. ‘If it’s hard, you can stop all these things. Revenge is not always the answer to everything, Eli.”

“But, you know that I can’t… right?” I sighed. I stood up immediately after realizing this is not the time to be weak. “I can do this!”

I shouted with a proud voice. “Ah!” I shouted from my lungs, trying to shake off all the negativity and worries I had on my mind.

“Hey!” Booby scolded me. “Are you crazy?”

But instead of being sorry for my sudden stupidity, I shouted in his face and ran like a little girl playing like a bully to someone small and weak compared to her.

“Hey! Wait for me!” Booby called while trying to get on my pace.

Well, I know he can’t. Bobby might be someone I know who has always got my back, but physically he’s not. I’m not trying to sabotage his image and stuff, but way back to how he got bullied at school, you know what I mean. He’s a guy but his physique wasn’t. But, I’m not saying he has a woman's body either. It is just that he has low stamina in terms of physical and extreme activities. And what’s worst, he easily got sick. That’s why he became a mama’s boy. His mom took extra care of him. The food was purely organic. Clothing was extensively washed with quality detergent and sanitized intensively in order not to cause any skin allergies. Drop and pick by a well-ventilated and well-disinfected, jaw-dropping and mirrored-glimmering car with a well-dressed personal chauffeur. He was raised in a royal family. Honestly, when I saw him, I found it so funny that a guy like him did exist. I mean I thought those only happen in movies. I felt so intimidated at first that I told myself I wouldn’t make friends with someone like him and even associate myself.

But everything changed when I saw him raise his voice to his mom. I hadn’t seen his mom up close, but that night at the restaurant I was working part-time—one of my many jobs, I knew back then that he was fuming with fire at his mother. I don’t know the real story behind it. But I was surprised to see a different side of him. A side I didn’t expect to begin with. I only have one impression of him—a well-mannered and well-behaved son who would say yes to his parents all the time. But that night, he was different--totally, different.

He walked out of the room. But even before leaving completely, he looked at me not with an eyelid squinted and flaring nostrils, but like someone who was sinking into the deep sea of his emotions. I immediately turned my gaze on the corner table I was wiping with a piece of cloth and played dumb as if I didn’t hear anything. Right then, he ran off. But looking as his back slowly fades away from my eyes, sadness envelopes my heart. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But right after my shift ended, his eyes lingered on my memory. As I was walking on my way home, I found myself getting caught up with him. I even pinched myself and tried to shake my head to erase him. “I know… that made me look like a crazy woman on the street.” But just a few steps away from my apartment, something caught my attention that made me halt for a while. I raised my head a bit, trying to get a clearer look at the person sitting on the edge of the seawall. The dark long grey wool jacket looks familiar to me. I just don’t know exactly where I’ve seen it but my gut feeling tells I have to stay. I watched him from afar.

The night was so peaceful. The surroundings were so serene. The moon shines so brightly as the stars gleam on a picture-perfect night sky. The wind breeze makes you jiggle. And as the hour hand of the clock slowly shifted from 9 pm to 10 pm, the more it became so chilly outside. Luckily, I bought a cup of mocha latte. Not that I expected myself to stay out in this frigid air, but it’s just my usual routine after work to grab a cup of hot mocha latte. Although drinking coffee late at night causes others not to fall asleep easily, to me taking a sip of coffee late at night, especially after work, is like a warm treat to myself for hanging out on the day. It’s like a pat on the shoulder for a job well done. But for this night, it has another use. It helps me sustain my chilling body while staring at him from afar.

He stood there looking unfazed by how the night gets deepens and how the air feels so frigid that it would make you want to grab a thick blanket and cover yourself and roll into your warm bed while serene music was playing on your low-volume speaker on the bedside. He was sitting there for a while when he suddenly stood up. I got tensed when he was having a hard time balancing himself up. I immediately moved a step forward but suddenly stopped when, eventually, he managed to stand up straight. I felt a thorn had been picked up on my heart.

But what surprised me was what he did after that. He threw his phone into the sea recklessly. Yes! His phone—the iPhone 11Maxpro, a phone dreamed of by many and maybe including myself. Well, not because I’m kind of a materialistic or techy person, but having such technology just makes your life much easier, especially for a working student like me that needs to juggle between studies and work, plus an insane mother I have to attend to. Having a little help from those quality technologies is, I guess, not something selfish to dream of.

“So, how can he do that so easily?” I asked myself.

But he’s not done yet. He took off his jacket and like what he did to his helpless phone, he threw it into the sea. “Is he crazy?” I told myself. That designer jacket? Yes! He just discards it like it’s rubbish. And he was not completely sober. He pulled up something from his pocket. It was a thick wallet and he dragged some cash out and threw it into the sea just like what he had been doing earlier.

“He’s crazy,” I commented.

And knowing how I couldn’t stand his craziness any longer, I approached him right away. “Hey!” I shouted as if fumes were getting out of my ears and a fire was glaring at my eyes. I grabbed him by the collar and glared at him. I was about to rant at him but out of the blue, my emotions tamed down slowly after seeing his eyes well up in tears and his lips trembled. Slowly, I dropped my hands off him. And instead, I placed my hands on his back and tapped him slowly. I don’t know if that helped him, since he cried a lot after that.

But after crying like a bucket of tears, he finally sobered up and wiped his tears. We stood there until a sudden shower came. After realizing that the sudden pour would not stop any moment, I immediately stood up and searched for a nearby shed. My eyes took us to a two-meter walking 24/7 convenience store. I dragged him and we ran while getting slowly soaked in the rain. But instead of getting disgusted, he was laughing. And before we could reach the shore, he stopped momentarily at the center of the road.

“Hey! What are you doing?” I asked. “Hurry! We might get soaked in the rain.”

But he didn’t say anything. His eyes squinted slightly. Wrinkles appear at the corner of his eyes. A well-defined wrinkle that runs from the side of his nose to the corner of his mouth. His face seemed relaxed. Opposite to what he felt earlier. Suddenly, he jumped recklessly, making him fall out of balance. But instead of making him cry, the more he laughed. I never saw him like that, not even at school. Although he was smiling at his mom after responding a yes, his smile feels different tonight.

“Hey! Why are you not joining me?” he asked. “This is fun!” He added while dragging me into the middle. We were like kids playing in the rain. We were both soaked in the rain, but the joy I felt that night was irreplaceable. And that night, I found a friend for keeps. And the rest became history. A beautiful past I would never get tired of reminiscing about.

Honestly, I did fall for him—my best friend, Bobby. I don’t know how it happened but I just felt something special for him and how it didn’t push through. Well, maybe because it’s just not meant to be. And one day, I just fell out of love. Well, not that I don’t love him or whatever, because I know I will always do. But that kind of love was just for a "friend zone" level. Like a family. I know he will always hold a special place in my heart, but standing on point like a friend.

***

At home.

Right before I could finish changing my clothes into my “pajamas”, my phone beeped. A test message has arrived. I didn’t look at it at first, thinking it might be just Bobby asking me if I got home safely and wishing me a good night and sound sleep. He has usually done that since his college days—since we became friends. Acting as a guardian to me every single day. But thanks to that, I didn’t feel alone. I grinned a bit just at the thought of it. But suddenly, I realized how selfish I was to him. It was always me accepting of him and I couldn’t even give back his love the way he wanted. Not that I don’t want it, I just can’t.

I immediately rush to the bathroom to wash my face with a nighttime skincare routine. I know I was in disguise as a man and it’s very rare to see a guy who would do extra care for their skin. But since I was home—my safe nest and rest, I had to do the things that would remind me of my real self—of the real Eli. A “she” that needs to attend to her lady needs. Well, not the filthy thoughts you have in mind. Just pure thoughts, you know. After getting myself ready for bed, my eyes got caught up with my phone on the bedside table. “Why didn’t he call me back?” I asked myself. Normally, whenever I acted like I hadn’t read Bob’s message, he would immediately call me and ask if I was okay or not and he wouldn’t stop until he heard the answers he wanted. But this time, it feels so odd that he didn’t call.

My phone beeped again. “I knew it,” I told myself. “He really can’t stand the night without getting a reply from me.” I picked up my phone, only to get disappointed after seeing the name of the sender of the text message. “Him? What does he want from me this time, huh?” I asked myself, feeling disgusted. Just the thought of him makes my blood boil. Yes! Him!—he only has “his eyebrows that are always lowered and pulled closer together” every time I see him, “his eyes that might bulge any moment whenever he’s enraged”, “veins on his neck popping out”, “vertical wrinkles appear between his eyebrows” and “his nostrils just suddenly flared outwards”, on his vocabulary. Yes! Him!—he who doesn’t encounter the word—smile in his life. Yes! Him!—who only sees the mistakes of others and not his own. Since I came here, I haven’t heard any compliments come out of his mouth. Although I only started this job a few days ago, I already have a book of descriptions of him. Yes! Him!—the youngest heir of the MC Group—the arrogant, self-centered, and rude Jack Cruz.

I opened his text message only to make my eyebrows raise, my eyes widen, the horizontal wrinkles appear on my forehead and my mouth hung open loosely.

"Come to my place.”… “Please?”…

“What?” I asked myself and immediately got up from bed. “Is he on his sound mind? And why would I go to his place though?”

Reading his message makes my soul burn. The first four-word sentence sounded like a command to me from a superior to his lowly subordinates. To me, it was like, “hurry” “quick!” with a face gleaming with disgust.

“Ah!” I shook myself from imagining his furious face while ordering me what to do. “Get back to your senses, Eli. Erase him from your mind.” I added while breathing slowly. “That’s it.” And slowly, lay down on my bed. “But…” A sudden thought came to mind.

“But, why does the last word hit differently?” I asked myself. I looked at my phone again and stared at his last message, “Please?” I don’t know, but it sounded like someone filled with sadness and loneliness. Someone who feels alone and needs a companion in their lives. Someone to depend on. Someone to cry on.

“Hey! It can’t be.” I told myself after realizing that the message came from him. “Let’s just sleep on these things, Eli. Let the night and a good sleep wash everything, okay?”

I close my eyes for a bit but I can’t sleep at all. I rolled myself to the left and right side of the bed, but I couldn’t. I covered my ears with my long-skinny pillow, but still, I can’t. I got up on the bed and walked back and forth to clear my mind from clear thoughts, but still, I couldn’t. I drink some calming tea but after finishing two cups, I still can’t. I listened to my favorite playlist but that only led me to first-degree sleep and eventually woke up with the thought of him and his words.

“Ah!” I shouted with disgust at myself. “This is not happening,” I told myself.

That’s when I thought I had to do something. I grabbed my phone, my hanging jacket, and the key to the car the company let me borrow while on duty. I can’t believe I fell for his trick again. But if I don’t go this time and just let the night pass, I know I won’t get a sound sleep either. I drove the car as fast as I could and rushed to his place. Since it was already in the wee hours, I didn’t get caught up with the traffic, leading me to reach his condo within 10 minutes.

“I can’t believe myself.” I sighed as the elevator went up. “ That is stupid, Eli.”

I hurried my steps towards his place. But before ringing his doorbell, I hesitated at first. “What if he yelled at me? What if he cursed at me?” I asked myself. I turned around and just wanted to go home. But something pulls me back and tells me to stay.

“Okay! Let’s just let this night slip quickly. Just ring the bell. Ask him nicely what he meant in his message. And after carrying out whatever he wants from you, leave quietly. Did you get it, Eli?”

I rang the doorbell once. I waited patiently. But no one opened the door for me. I rang it again but still got no response. I laid my right ear on his door closely trying to listen to see if he was responding or not. But the door suddenly cracks open, leading me to fall out of balance. Luckily, someone grabbed me and wrapped me around his arms just like a scene in my favorite movie. But after realizing who it was, I pushed him away, making him stumble on the side.

I feel dumbfounded. I breathe in and out. “Hey! What do you want from me this time, huh? What do you want me to do for you this time? Texting me so late? That must be so important that you can’t wait for tomorrow to come.”

But instead of answering back, he suddenly hugged me from the back and said things I didn’t expect to hear from him. “Thank you.” He uttered. “He’s thanking me for coming? He must be out of his mind.” I tried to let go of his embrace after smelling strong alcohol

from his breath but he was wrapping me with his arms tightly.

“Thank you for coming back.” He uttered again.

“What?” I asked myself.

“Thank you for coming back, Maggie,” he said.

“Maggie?” I rolled into shock after realizing that the text message wasn’t meant for me in the first place. “How pathetic, Eli! You

must be out of your mind coming here.”

That’s when I decided I had to leave immediately before he gets sober and things might get so embarrassing for me. But before leaving, I made sure he was settled comfortably on the couch. I searched for a blanket and covered it around him. But as soon as I stood up, he held my hands. I tried to shake it off but he was holding it tightly.

“Don’t go. Just stay by my side.” He murmured.

I decided to stay a bit until he finally slept soundly and eventually let go of my hand. I stared at him from his sleep. “How could someone like him sleep like that?” I said. “You know what, you look different when you’re sleeping. I didn’t expect an evil—that may be too degrading to say. A bad person like you would look like someone nice, kind, and compassionate. Just like how you are right now. Sleeping soundly. I didn’t expect you to look handsome while sleeping.” “Handsome?” I slapped my face. “Get back to your senses, Eli. Don’t tell me…” I told myself after a weird thought came to mind. “You shouldn’t fall for him, understand?”

An hour had passed and still, he was not leaving my hands free. I slowly tried to shake out of my hands until I finally got off of his grip. But since it was too quick and the grip was strong, I stumbled and fell out of balance, leading me to step on something.

“Ouch!” I uttered softly while covering my mouth with my hands so he wouldn’t get disturbed from his sleep. Suddenly, the TV turned on and a video was being played. It was like a prenup video of a couple. I saw a girl smiling while striding on a field full of flamingo pink tulips and other flowering plants. The sun was kissing her rosy red cheeks in the bright daylight. Her skin tingled and her eyes sparkled. She was obviously on cloud nine. I didn’t recognize her. But she was very beautiful. Her smile was filled with love and happiness. The kind of happiness no one can measure up with. And on the other side of the video, I saw a guy—that must be his fiancée. “Him?” I asked myself. “He’s getting married? But, why haven't I heard any news about it from the company? And looking from his aura, he’s not someone who would soon-to-be-married. He’s the opposite.”

I watched the video closely and all I can see is a different side of him—that he knows how to smile, how to be happy. Not the fake one he made in front of the camera. But a smile filled with love and happiness. I can see clearly, he was over the moon. Looking at the date on the top edge of the video, it took place not too long ago.

While watching the video, his phone beeps. A text message had arrived. I accidentally saw and read the message. “Don’t text or call me again.” And the name was the same name he uttered in his sleep, Maggi. That’s when I was able to put all the puzzle pieces into a big picture—his wedding got called off. But for what reason, I don’t know. Suddenly, I felt a bit of sadness for him. I didn’t expect that a person who feels like he has everything—power, wealth, prestige, honor, and fame would not be exempted from experiencing pain.

Honestly, I didn’t expect he had that kind of pain inside. And piece by piece, I realized where he was coming from—where his anger and rage all rooted from—it came from the pain he was struggling to fight. Suddenly, I felt pity for him. He was just like me—crumbling with pain. But what’s the difference is that I have a great support system—I have friends who are like a family I can depend on while he has none. Because if he does, he won’t be like that. Even if the pain is so great that it covers everything around you, having a support system gives you light in that dark room you are caving in. No matter how small the light is, you will still find your way out because of that light. And seeing him with all the rudeness he gives to other people, he doesn’t have that light, yet.

I don’t know much about him, but after watching this video accidentally, I understood a piece of him. I saw a different side—his other side, he was hiding with all the fame and power. Just like me and just like anyone else striving, he needed help. But, no matter how much I feel pity for him, no matter how much I feel sad about his situation, I don’t think I can do anything about it. I wanted to but I just couldn’t. My family comes first more than anything. Coming here, I only have one goal—to seek justice and revenge for my family. And getting distracted like this won’t help with achieving that goal.