HE WAS A SHE

“Look, Mom!” I pointed out the clear blue sky without failing to put a smile on my face. “Isn’t it beautiful, Mom?” I added while holding mom’s hands. I couldn’t stop myself from appreciating the splendor and beauty of nature. The sun shines so brightly as if it’s smiling at me—telling me that everything’s going to be fine. The birds were flying freely. And the lake was very calm. It’s been so long since I took a pause and stared at it blankly. Ever since father died, everything has become dark and gray. And slowly, the colors fade away. I stared at mom while she was looking curiously at a single flower in her hand and smiled once in a while. “Mom, get better, okay? Get better, soon? Okay? I know you can do it, Mom. I know you’re strong. And you can overcome this.” I uttered while looking at her with pity in my eyes and suddenly, tears fell from my eyes. “I’m sorry, mom.” The words I said in my mind. “I’m sorry, I can’t visit you too often these past few days. I’m sorry it took me so long to come and get you here. I’m sorry, mom.” I don’t know why, every time I visited mom in the rehabilitation center I couldn’t stop myself from tearing up. I feel so ashamed whenever I come here and see mom like this. I feel ashamed because I can’t take away what she’s going through right now. I feel ashamed because, as her daughter, I failed to protect her. And even until now, I feel ashamed looking at her because I still haven’t fulfilled my promise to seek justice for what happened to dad. And I can’t stop myself from feeling sorry for her because partly what happened to her was my fault. And I keep blaming myself for what happened. I should have listened to her when she wanted to go out of the country so badly. I shouldn’t insist on staying in the Philippines just because I don’t want to get separated from my friends. I shouldn’t be stubborn and then, dad will probably be alive now and mom will not go insane. Maybe we will be living together happily right now. And maybe, I would be able to pursue my dream. Maybe… Maybe… Maybe… That’s all left of me—endless maybe. “Mom, just hand in there. Okay? I’ll take you away from here. Promise!” I held mom’s hands while guiding her pinkie finger to make a promise. “I love you, mom,” I added while hugging her tightly. “I’m sorry I won’t be able to visit you very often for the next few days. I’ll be going somewhere, Mom. So, you should take care of yourself in the meantime, okay?” “Where are you going?” Mom unexpectedly asked. My eyes rolled in shock because it was the first time I heard her voice. Since dad died, all I can hear from her are her cries and sobbing. No matter how much I talked to her sweetly, she won’t respond to anything. Even during the days where she’s not in tantrum attacks, she will just smile and laugh, but she won’t respond to anything I ask from her. “Mom?” I asked while wiping my tears away. “Don’t go.” She pleaded like a child and cuddled into my arms. “Just stay here.” “Yes, mom! I’m not going anywhere. I’ll just stay here.” I hugged her tightly. I felt relieved today. Mom’s showing signs that she’s getting better. The doctor is right. Taking her out once in a while to places she feels comfortable with and talking to her patients is a great help for her recovery. Back then, I easily got pissed off whenever I failed to see her improvement. I feel disgusted whenever I witness how frequent her tantrum attacks are. I wanted tired and just wanted to run away whenever I saw her scream, wanting her pain to go away. There were a lot of moments when I just wanted to give up. But then mom taught me even in her silent way—not to quit on her. Every time I lose hope, she makes me realize that she’s just waiting for me—she wanted help—she wanted to go out desperately from the dark place that was caving from the inside of her. I don’t know if hearing her talk like that is good enough to say that she’s improving. But I wanted to believe that she was. I missed mom a lot. I really do. She’s like my best friend especially after my eldest sister finished college and moved to Manila for work. Mom became a friend I can trust and share all my secrets. We bond every day and our favorite bonding is cooking and shopping of course. Since she get insane, I missed her so much. I missed her whenever I needed someone who would stroke my hair, hug me, and tell me, “it’s okay, Eli. Everything will be fine.” I missed her whenever I went home and giving me a warm hug and a kiss with a bunch of my favorite food on the table. I missed her whenever things were tough and so heavy to carry—just seeing her smile lights up heaviness inside. She’s like a ray of sunshine. No wonder dad falls for her at first sight. I don’t believe it at first since how could love grow just the moment you see that person. But now I know why. Mom is like a ray of sunshine just as her name suggests. I missed her whenever it’s my birthday, Christmas, New Year, and every other occasion that we celebrated together as a family. But of all the days that I missed her, it’s during the days I was sleeping and would wake up from her embrace. No wonder I had a good sleep because mom was like a human blanket for me. I missed her every day. And I’m looking forward to the day she would smile at me and call me by my name, “Eli! Eli!” with her smiling face and sweet voice while waving at me. *** Back in the rehabilitation center. “That’s good to hear, Ms. Perez. Your mom is showing great improvement this time. Unlike the last few years where we only heard her cries and laugh, responding and talking to you like that is a big sign. No matter how few her words were, it’s still a huge thing.” Dr. Kim said. “Congratulations!” He added. “You made it.” “No! It is all thanks to you and everyone here, Doc. If not with your help, mom wouldn’t talk like that.” I said. “No! The big part of her improvement was because you didn’t give up on her. You stayed no matter how tedious the process is. And your love for her has finally reached her heart. That’s why if there’s someone you should thank big time, it’s yourself, Eli. You succeeded because you never quit.” He explained. “Don’t worry. This is just the beginning. We won’t give up too just like how you didn’t give up. And we will win this fight, right?” “Yes!” I responded. “Yes! Mom. We will win this fight. We will overcome this together. You will get better. I will make sure that day will come.” I told to myself while walking my way out of the center. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself now. I’m a big girl now, mom. You just have to eat right and drink your meds on time. And wait for me, mom. Don’t be too sad if I can’t visit you for the next days to come. There’s just something I need to do. I must fulfill my promise to you and dad. Especially now, that I have a chance to seek justice for what they did to our family, I can’t back out. I can’t miss this opportunity. And once everything is settled, we can go back to our happy life even just you and me, mom. I promise. So, wait for me. Okay? Wait for me, mom.” I called Bobby, my intelligent programmer/IT specialist friend who has been helping me with my plan to seek revenge on the MC Group. A conglomerate company that was behind my dad’s death and even my eldest sister’s fake suicide death. At first, I wasn’t sure especially that I was too young back then to know things like how my sister died and my father was secretly fighting to seek justice. But when I saw dad’s hidden room in the basement of our house, everything became clearer. And since then, I’ve searched for clues secretly with the help of my college best friend Bobby. And after spending three years collecting evidence, I am sure that they (MC Group) have something to do with my dad’s death as well as my eldest sister’s fake death. Before I tried to fight according to the law. I’ve submitted all the evidence I have to the police and filed a case against them. At first, I was so hopeful since I know my evidence is strong enough to reopen the case. But that enthusiasm leads me to nowhere. The case was dropped even before it could soar up high. I tried making a buzz on the internet. It went wild and stirred up MC Group a bit. But just like how fast it went crazy online, it has also easily been forgotten by people as if never existed. I’ve made a one-man protest only to get dragged and sued for causing alarming scandal and libel. I even ended up in jail for a day. Well, thanks to Bobby’s small connection—he had a close friend at the police, I get bailed and was released the day after. That’s when I realized fighting them fairly and square will end me up to no good. Because people like them won’t fight fair, to begin with. That’s when I realized I should give them what they want. If they want a dirty game, then I’ll damn give it to them. Eye for an eye. Tooth for a tooth. And that’s what leads me to my next plan. As what dad always told me when I was young, make your friends close but make your enemies closer. “How was everything?” I asked Bobby. “Everything is settled.” He answered. “But, Eli.” I could sense a fear in his voice. “Why? What is it?” I asked. “Are you sure about this?” He worriedly asked. “What do you mean?” I added. “I mean, what if you’ll get caught?” He sighed. “MC Group is not an easy opponent. You know that right? You’ve fought well enough in the past and failed every time. If this will not be successful, it will only get you into trouble. Or worst, you might die.” “Die?” I asked myself. His last words caught me. It stuck in my mind for a while. And yes, I am scared. I’m scared even just hearing that word. Who said I’m not? But if I’ll give up everything just because I’m scared then I’m not my dad’s daughter. And I don’t think I’ll be able to face mom again without fulfilling my promise to her. I don’t think backing out would give me peace of mind after having this chance to let them pay for what they did. I’m not only doing this to stand up for the words I said but also for mom. I know part of why she’s insane is because she doesn’t know how to seek justice for her husband and daughter’s death. “I know what you mean, Bob,” I said. “I’m scared, too. But, I don’t see any reason that I won’t succeed this time especially that I have the best programmer/IT best friend out there whose minds are way smarter than anyone.” I bluffed trying to ease his worries. “Hey!” He protested. “This is not about being the best Elizabeth. We don’t need that one this time around. What we need is a lot of luck!” He explained with some seriousness in his tone. I know why he’s worried in the first place. I mean that’s all I’ve been giving to him since we’ve become friends—endless worries. Whenever I got into trouble he was always there to save me just like a knight. Very the opposite of how we were in high school where I was his protector from all the bullies at school. Since we entered college, he became someone I can depend on. Well, he managed to grow some muscles and learned judo, jujitsu, karate, and martial arts. Honestly, I don’t know how and why we became friends since our personality is too different from each other. He’s way kinder and gentler than me. He’s more like a lady than me. Not that he dressed like a woman or falls for a man, but his way of life and his character is much more of a woman compared to me. He listens more than talks. He knows all the household chores like cooking, cleaning the house, washing dishes and laundry, etc.—stuff that a woman normally does than me who only knows how to eat and mess up things. That’s why sometimes or maybe most of the time, I ate breakfast and dinner at his place. “Hey! It’s nice hearing you saying my name in full. I haven’t heard in quite some time. It’s only my dad who calls me with my full name.” I added. “I know I can’t stop you from doing this. Knowing your personality, you’re just stubborn as my younger sister. I even wonder if she’s my sister or yours. You’re really alike with each other.” He uttered. “But promise me that once your plan is about to get screwed up or you feel like it's too impossible, you will quit right away. Whenever you feel like you’ll be in great danger, you will run away and abandon the plan right away. Okay?” He warned me. “Elizabeth? Are you listening? Are you still there?” He asked. “Yes! I’m still here.” I responded. “Okay. I promised.” “Don’t worry. I’ve prepared everything once things will not work out.” He said. “Yes! Thank you.” I said. “No worries.” He answered back. “Seriously, Bob. I know I haven’t thanked you enough for everything. I’m thankful that you’re my friend.” I said. “I don’t know where I would be right now without you. So, thank you. Thank you so much, friend!” “I know. I know.” He proudly added. “So, go home quickly now. Okay? You’ll be needing all the strength you have for tomorrow. So, hurry. Okay?” He continues to nag. “Okay! Fine! I’ll be home.” I replied. “But I just have to visit dad and my sister first. Would that be okay?” “Of course!” He responded. “I know how much you’re going to miss them after tomorrow. So, bid your temporary goodbyes to them and ask for luck and guidance as well.” “Yes! Mr. Bobby Garcia.” I teased him. “Bye! See you later!” “Bye! See you!” He added. *** At dad and sister’s grave. It’s been quite some time since I visited their grave. Back then, I was here every day. Every after school or during weekends, I always come here and sit while telling dad what happens to my day. When he was still alive I couldn’t remember we had a father and daughter talk. I don’t know why I get intimidated whenever he's around which made me avoid any conversation with him. I don’t know why I feel uncomfortable around him and feel scared to even share my day with him. I feel like he will scold me for messing up in school. That’s his aura to me. Well maybe because he is a lawyer so he needs to be strict and firm with his words and actions. That’s why I kind of feel regret that I only got a chance to talk to him when he couldn’t respond to me physically—when I wouldn’t hear anymore his manly and strict voice. How do I wish I was able to muster up that courage before and draw closer to him? How do I wish we had more moments together—like a father and daughter bonding? How do I wish I was a sweet daughter to him? “Dad! It’s me, your youngest daughter, Elizabeth.” I greeted. “How are you today? Do you feel cold? I’m sorry. It took me too long to come back.” I added while cleaning his grave and replacing old flowers with new ones. “I’ve been working on some stuff right now, dad. So, I won’t be able to visit you for a while. But don’t worry, it won’t take long. Finally dad, the promise I made to you and mom, I’ll be able to fulfill it soon. I’m sure this time, dad. My instincts tell me this is the chance I’ve been waiting for. So, hang in there, dad. Just wait. I’ll be giving you, your ultimate goal.” But unexpectedly my phone beeps. It was the caretaker of the crematorium center—Mr. Pido who became like a father to me since whenever I’m here he never fails to give me fatherly advice with a bunch of snacks in her large pocket. When I was young, I was so amazed every time he would pick up something from his pocket. He was like my favorite cartoon character—Doraemon who has a pocket and contains even the impossible things it could fit. Well even when I grow older, he still picks up something in his pocket—a candy, a chocolate bar, or a cold drink. He always has something to cheer me up especially during the days that I came here feeling the heaviness of life. “Someone is coming. It’s the same one who visited your sister’s grave before. He’ll be there within 10 minutes.” The text message says. I wonder who it could be. I just thought maybe it’s her friends or special friend. But as far as I could remember all her friends we’re living far from here. They’re all living with their own families abroad while one of her friends is living in the countryside and they are all girls. And my sister hasn’t introduced anyone as her boyfriend too. So, my curiosity is high this time. I wanted to know who he is this guy who has been visiting my sister secretly since he only comes during nighttime and brings fresh tulips—my sister’s favorite flower. He must have been someone close to her that he knows personal stuff like that. I don’t even know her favorite flower if not with her journal despite me being his only sister. I wanted to know desperately his identity without him knowing who I was. So, I hide somewhere not too far and yet not too close. There he comes with loud steps. Looking at how nice his suit is, he must be someone rich. “I don’t remember seeing him during the burial of my sister,” I told myself. I raised my head a bit to take a closer look at his face. But because the lighting wasn’t good, I couldn’t see his face, especially that he wears a black hat. And just like before, he brought a bouquet of tulips. He didn’t stay for long and just left as soon as he dropped the flowers. I hurriedly rush into the window to see who it could be but it was too dark outside. At first, hearing this thing, I asked Mr. Pido about it and even have him describe his face so I could draw his sketch but since he was too old, he couldn’t remember fully his face. I asked him to take a picture for this man whenever he would come but he doesn’t know how to take a clearer picture due to his chilling hands. I even asked for a copy of the CCTV footage of the crematorium center but failed to do so since that matter is confidential unless it was related to a crime. I thought tonight is my lucky day since he never failed to pay a visit this time. But I guess luck is not on my side this time around. But whoever it could be, I’m glad that there’s someone other than our family and my sister’s friends who care for her even when she’s not around anymore. *** At Bob’s home. “Are you okay?” Bob asked while giving me a worried look. “I mean, are you sure about this? Once we’ll begin tomorrow there’s no backing out. Once you’re there, the plan begins.” I sighed deeply. “I know. I have to do this, Bob. I had a dream last night. I saw dad. He’s asking for help. And in that dream, I was just standing—doing nothing. My body can’t move. I reached his hands but I can’t. And when I wake up, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like dad is telling me to do this. He wants me to seek justice for him. And to finish what he started for my sister, too.” I added. “Can I give you a hug?” Bob suddenly asked. “For what?” I curiously asked. “I mean, I…” He was stuttering. And his ears are turning red which means he is embarrassed. I laughed after remembering something in the past. He was like this when we’re in college, too. When he confessed his love for me, he suddenly turns red. At first, I thought that was just normal. But when I learn from his mom that his ears turn red when he’s shy, I realized he was serious when he said he like me back then. But I rejected him. Not that I don’t like it. Because I know, I do. But it’s not the same love he was expecting from me. I like him as a friend. And that moment, I don’t want to break his heart. But the more I don’t want to make false promises to him when I know I can’t fulfill them in the future. I thought after that day, I lose a friend. But then, he came back after ignoring me for a week. That's why remembering stuff like that makes me laugh a lot. “Why? Why are you laughing?” He shyly asked. “Okay! I’ll hug you, then.” I grabbed his hands and hugged him tightly. “Thank you, Bob. Thank you so much for everything.” “Out of the blue?” He added. But our serious friendly conversation was suddenly interrupted when his younger sister, Bella came. And knowing how Bella reacted whenever she would witness us like this, she won’t pass a day not to tease us and his older brother, too. Bella is like the no. 1 fan of “BobLi” love team as what she named me and his older brother, Bob. She even made fake letters and give them to me—telling me that it was from his brother where it wasn’t. And that’s not the only thing she did, she even made false stories to all my suitors in the past. No wonder they’ve lost interest one by one just after a month. And a lot more—that I can’t fully remember. She was even scolded severely by her older brother, Bob about it. “Ehhhhh…” She teased. “Are you together? Romantically? Did you finally accept his love, Ate Eli?” Are you in a relationship right now?” She quickly asked as if she was rapping or something and still doesn’t lose the smile on her eyes. “Bella? Stop it, okay?” Bob warned her. “Why? You look good together, Kuya. And I know, you still didn’t give up on her yet. Am I right?” She added. “Just go to your room, okay?” Bob added. “I know you still love her.” She continued to tease while being dragged by Bob upstairs. “I know you love her…” “I’ll go ahead, Bob. Thanks for the drink. Bye! Good night!” I uttered. “Goodbye, Ate Eli!” Bella happily shouted. “I love you!” “Bye, Bella!” I responded. “I love you, too.” “By the way, the “I love you” was from Kuya and not from me.” She laughed. “Bye!” I added. *** At home. Honestly, our homes are connected. Bob and his sister Eli were living on the rooftop area of the building while I stayed on the next level downstairs from them. That building was owned by Bob’s parents. It’s the last property they have after everything was foreclosed by the bank after his parents’ business went on the rocks. Honestly, it’s not my intention to live here, since that would be too shameless after what I did to Bob. But since I didn’t have a place to go and during that time I needed a place to stay after I sold our house and used the money for mom’s rehabilitation treatment, I accepted their help. Before, I was staying here for free since I was still studying at that time and the money I had from working part-time in the café was only enough for school and food. But after finishing college and receiving money from my trust fund, I paid them in full. They won’t accept it at first. So, instead of giving them cash, I paid for the renovation of the whole building. And it was already too late before they knew it. It’s the least of the things I could do for them—to give back for what they have done for me over the years. And I’m thankful to have found a second family with them. After cleaning myself and getting ready for bed, I checked all the things I'd need for tomorrow’s event—the black boat shoes, fully waxed; the black suit and the secret weapon—the chest, to complete the whole setup. I looked at myself in the mirror. I tried to reminisce my face—a woman's face because, after tonight, I am not Elizabeth Perez anymore. I am not Eli—my mom’s daughter. I am not a she. I am he.