HE WAS A SHE

CHAPTER 2: I AM HE

(JACK’S POV)

“Mom!” The strangled voice I uttered after seeing a woman who look like my mother—a white flowing dress with a dark cardigan to keep herself from cold with long burgundy hair. My heart skipped a beat. Even if I couldn’t see her for too long, I know it was her. Even just seeing her back, I know what I saw. Even from afar, it was her. I was only five-meter away from her but my mind tells me, she is my mom. I hurried my steps just so I could catch up with her speed but she was walking with huge steps. I called her as much as I could. But, she won’t stop. Probably, she couldn’t hear me since it was too noisy and crowded on the street. “Mom! Wait!” I called again. “Where are you going? Mom! I’m here.” I shouted as loud as I could but she continues to ignore me. And because I was walking with small steps I couldn’t get a hold of her and what’s worst, I lose sight of her after getting stumble on the ground. “Mom!” I started crying. I felt helpless and hated feeling alone and lonely. “Mom! Where are you, Mom?” I called again. But, no one responded. “Mom!” I sob. “I’m scared, Mom!”

“Sir, wake up!” A voice I heard leading for me to open my eyes. “Sir! Are you okay?”

I roamed my eyes from every corner searching for her presence but she wasn’t there. I rushed outside my office to find her but I couldn’t. I feel disappointed. I went back inside my office with a heavy heart and hefty steps. I thought I could finally see her. I thought after such a long time, I could hold her warm hands just like how we were in the past. I thought, finally, I could hug her while giving me a bunch of kisses. I thought, at last, we could be together. But, everything was just hopeless longings and endless wishes.

“Sir! Here! Take it.” Martin, my executive assistant, offered me a glass of water.

I stared at him for a moment. That’s when I realized, everything was just a dream. He was the one who woke me up from my dream--from my hopeless imagination. And that’s when I told myself not to hope anymore about anything related to her. It’s time to bury that stupid idea of her coming back to get me. Because if she does, she should come back before. If she loved me enough, she wouldn’t last a day not to see me. If she truly cared for me, she should be here since the beginning. But, she didn’t. She didn’t even contact me no matter how much I reach out to her. She didn’t reply to any of my messages. She changed her no. and left our home. She didn’t even leave a single note telling where she moved. She just vanished. She just left so easily. And here I am, no matter how long it took, still waiting for her to come back. At first, I thought I don’t need her in my life. I told myself that if she don’t want me, the more I don’t want her. But these past few days, I keep seeing her in my dreams. I even consulted a psychiatrist about it. But it didn’t help. The more she frequently visited me in times I feel so stressed and unfocused, especially about work.

“Sir? Are you okay?” He asked.

“I’m fine,” I replied while I took the glass of water he offered. “Thank you.”

“By the way, Sir, here are the reports you’ve been asking earlier. I’ve already arranged and summarized all the details you’ve been needing for the board meeting next week. And for your presentation, I’ve also prepared a PowerPoint presentation about it.” He explained.

“Okay! Just placed it here.” I uttered.

“Will you be reading all of these today?” He asked.

“Yes. Of course. I need to prepare and study everything for the board meeting. It’s not just a simple meeting.” I added while scanning the reports.

“But, that will take you until tomorrow to finish all of these.” He commented.

I teasingly looked at him. A very uncomfortable look telling him, I’m not doing these all alone since he was there to help me. After all, that’s part of his job as my assistant.

“I know that look.” He immediately responded. “You know that I can’t take the OT for tonight. I’ve already told you that I’ll be visiting my parents’ hometown tonight. Remember?”

“Fine. You won. I really can’t win against you, huh!” I conceded. “Have a safe trip. Bye!” I added while seeing him off.

“Bye! Sir.” He teasingly chuckled.

“Keep your phone with you. Wherever. Whenever. Okay?” I shouted. “I might give you a call in the middle of the night. You better answer your phone right away. Or, else…”

“Bye!” He shouted back.

That’s him. My best friend. No matter how much I joke on him, he never takes on the bait. And when he does, he always knew he’s way out. He never let me win, once. Never. Not in the entire 10 years of our friendship. That’s how competitive he is. Always on the A-game. But that’s the same reason I like about him. But not on the romantic side, though. Just a friendly bromance thing. And that’s the same reason why our friendship lasted for that long. And it’s still counting.

Living and working on this prestigious company might be like a dream come true for some. But honestly, it’s far from reality. At first, I thought coming here and living with dad was the best decision ever. Although, I didn’t get to decide about it freely since it was mom’s decision at the very beginning, but then living for more than a week has made me stay. I guess I enjoyed the excitement and thrill of living a luxurious life—a life far from what I get used to being. You don’t need to skip a single meal. You don’t need to wake up in the middle of the night while your stomach was grumbling out of hunger because mom didn’t buy any food during the night. You don’t walk miles with holes in your shoes just to go to school with sweat running through your body. But of all the things I hate about during those years, is that you don’t feel alone and get bullied at school just because you don’t have a father and can’t even buy a pair of new shoes. That’s why despite being hesitant to live with dad at first, suddenly changed when I started to experience a more comfortable life. I eat not just three times a day but multiple times I wanted with delicious food ready to serve on the table. I can sleep in a well-air-conditioned room with a huge and comfy bed. No mosquitos at night. No rats and cockroaches running and passing to your body. I can wear clothes that I want. I can play with toys that I want no matter how expensive it is. I can ride a nice car whenever and wherever I want to go, although most of the time, the place should be first approved by my dad or the madam of the house—my dad’s legal wife and my second mom on papers after legally acknowledging my dad. It was fun. I tasted a piece of life after coming here.

But behind the smiles and laughter are the pain and sadness growing inside of me. At first, I just neglect it. And I thought, maybe I just missed my mom. It will pass through just like how days passed by so quickly. But when I started college, that’s when I realize, I became numb. And thanks to Martin, he saved me from drowning. Not maybe literally. But I feel like I was. I thought I had a family with them. But everything was just an act in front of the camera. I thought when Madam Lou—my dad’s legal wife embrace me in front of everyone, I thought she’s giving me a motherly hug. But I was wrong. It was a fake motherly hug. At first, I thought that her sudden coldness towards me was just a normal reaction for someone who was shocked after knowing your husband had cheated on you in the past and even bear a child. I understand what she might be coming through. But as days passed by, I realized that she didn’t accept me not even as a human being. No matter how much I excelled at school and even at the company, I will always be that illegitimate child of her cheater husband. The more I missed my mom. The more that pain within me became insurmountable. And what hides those pain is having a trusted and good friend. Someone I know who always got my back no matter what. Someone whose trust is beyond the paycheck he received every 15th day and 30th day of the month.

I remember how our friendship got tested. In front of scandal in the family, he stood out for me. When everyone else believe even my father, that I was behind the company’s slush fund, he stand beside me. At the brink of losing his job, he fought for what he believed in. And together, we look for proof of my innocence. And thanks to him, I survive those days. I’ve cleaned my name and reclaimed my position, to the company and my family. And since then, dad has given me a much higher position and is mostly in charge of the most important business project of the company. Although it didn’t give me and my father a more father-and-son relationship, at least I can walk an inch behind him. I can sit with a meal at his table. And at least, I can look at him in the eye even just as his employee and not his son.

Even after that, Madam Lou together with his son, Mike whose two year’s younger than me didn’t stop making my life as hard as hell. But I know it was all Madam Lou’s doing. Mike was just tagged along with his mother’s scheme. Mike and I used to be friends when we were kids. We played and we get along so much. When we first meet, I easily feel comfortable around him. He was like I prayed for so long. And if not with the kind of family we had, we could be growing up like real brothers. But one day, he just changed. I just woke up and I lose a brother on him. He, at last, showed his anger towards me. I didn’t get back on him no matter how he acted like a victim in front of our dad. I accepted all his punches and his mean words. But one day, when he said hurtful words about my mom, that’s when I told myself, we couldn’t bring back what was lost. And being enemy was the only connection we had as of the moment. But I know one day, we will bring back our brotherly relationship. I don’t know when. But I know that day will come. And as his elder brother, I will not stop hoping and praying for that day. I won’t give up on him just as how he didn’t give up on me while I was locked in the basement back when we were very young. Even if getting caught would lead him into trouble, he stood by me. Even if he was so scared walking through the dark stairs, he mustered up his courage. He didn’t leave me all alone. That’s when I knew I got a brother on him. That’s why the more I won’t give up on him. No matter where his tantrums and mood swings might take us, I will always be waiting for his return. And even now, that he’s in a coma, I’ll wait for him until he finally opens his eyes. Until he stands up on that hospital bed and until he calls me brother again. I just hope that he won’t enjoy his sleep too much and may he feel that we are all waiting for him.

Mike was in a coma after that night. And since then, the more Madam Lou became cold towards me. And whenever she sees me, she looked at me with exasperated eyes telling me that everything was my fault. Well, a part of me tells me, it was my fault. And dad, even if he won’t say anything, I could feel he blamed me for what happened to my brother. That night, I should have done something. I should have gone there right on time. I should have postponed my business trip after getting a call from Mike asking for help. I shouldn’t ignore him when he desperately needed some help. As his brother, I should have listened to him and gone there a minute on time. And maybe, I could save him. Maybe, he won’t be laying like a rotten vegetable now. And maybe I could also save her. She, who was my first love. She, who always put a smile on my face. She, who puts on a different light to my dark life. She, who was like a ray of sunshine because she’s always smiling no matter what she’s going through. No wonder, my brother and I fall for her. But as an older brother, I hide and kept those feelings solely on me. Not that I don’t try to pursue her. God knows I tried most of the time. But every time I tried, there’s always a setback. And when I saw her with my brother smiling as if it’s the end of the world, that’s when I know it’s time to give up my feelings for her and give them my blessings.

But I didn’t know that day would be something I will regret for the rest of my life. I thought what they had was real love. I thought she was truly happy with him. But what I saw that day was just a piece of a different puzzle I didn’t imagine seeing between them. And since that kind of love wasn’t easily accepted by the family, more things became harder. The more they drifted apart. And that slowly changes Mike on the negative side. The loving and gentleman Mike became obsessed and possessive towards her. I didn’t know she became miserable after the day she said yes to him. Slowly, her smile became a lie—acting as if everything is okay in front of everyone. The more I blame myself for what happened to her on that day. I shouldn’t ignore when I sensed something’s wrong with her. I should have talked to her before I left. I should have asked if she’s okay or not and didn’t stop until my instinct tells me so. But you know what I hated about myself a lot is that even up to the last minute, I didn’t see her. And even during her burial, I didn’t go. I was too ashamed of myself. And instead, I went to my brother. But what I regretted the most is that I failed to give her the justice she deserved. Instead, I choose my family—my brother over her. And even until this day, I’m bringing that within my conscience—something I know I’ll be paying one day.

***

At the hospital.

“You’re enjoying your life too much, huh!” I uttered while seeing Mike sleeping so peacefully as if nothing’s wrong. “Aren’t you tired of lying there for too long? You might have back pains. Aren’t you missing the life outside? Knowing how outgoing and socialite you are, you must be itching to party now. So, get up now, huh! Hurry! There’s a new bar in the city and it's very hype among your colleagues. I know you won’t miss it for the world. So, what are you waiting for? Get up now! Hurry!” I added while tears suddenly fall from my eyes.

I don’t know but every time I will visit him, I suddenly became teary eyes and sadness immediately envelopes my whole body. Even if I started my talk with a joke it always ends up with a serious and sad monologue. Every time I do storytelling, I’m always being reminded of that day. It’s like I’ve been hunted by a nightmare. Even at night, I couldn’t have a sound sleep. Most of the time, I woke up from my sleep in the middle of the night. And since then, I develop insomnia and even sleepwalking sometimes during the most stressful days—pressure from work and my family together with finding my biological mom after losing contact with her since I lived in the mansion. And I only had two repetitive dreams, it’s either my mom leaving me or that night when I failed to save both of them—my brother and her. It’s a pain I have to battle within. It’s a pain I can’t share not even with my father. It’s a pain I only had confided to my executive assistant and best friend, Martin. It’s a secret I had to hide even from my girlfriend, Maggi.

“What are you doing here?” A strong voice I heard from the back. It was Mike’s mother—Madam Lou. And as always, she never fails to give me that livid look. “What are you doing to my son? Who gives you the right to visit him? I thought I already made myself clear in the beginning. Stay away, from my son!” She annoyingly commanded. “Leave!”

“I didn’t do anything to him. I just wanted to visit him and talk to him once in a while.” I explained. “The doctor said it can help with his recovery. Even if he’s in a coma, he can feel his surrounding. And talking to him can make him feel like he’s not alone. And that there are a lot of people waiting for him.” I added.

“Enough!” She yelled. “I’m his mother and I know what the best is for him. And the best is for you to leave now.”

“But, Tita…” I pleaded.

“It’s Madam.” She immediately commented. “It’s not that you saved my son from ending his life that you have the right to call me Tita. Nothing still changes. You’re still that bastard of my husband. That ingrate illegitimate son. No matter how much expensive suit you put on, that doesn’t change who you are—a stain to the family.”

“I won’t argue with you for today, Madam L. Not in front of my brother.” I uttered. “Despite what you do, Mike sees you as a loving mother. You will always be his mom. I know he’s listening right now. And I don’t want to add up to his misery. What’s more important for me right now is to see him wake up. So, I’ll just leave for now.” I added. “But before I will leave, just to let you know, I won’t stop visiting him no matter how much disapproval I get from you. He’s my brother after all and he’s important to me, too. But to prevent any commotion, I’ll try not to visit him especially when you’re around. I’ll go ahead. Bye!” I added while paying my respect.

***

While driving my car.

I breathe in and out trying to calm myself. “That’s it, Jack. Good job. You did well.” I commended myself after holding myself and not getting into any argument with Madam Lou. I know how much I wanted to defend myself back there. Every time we got into a disagreement, back then I was just a small chick hiding and doesn’t fight back. But after finishing college and earning my spot in the company, I learned I had to fight back sometimes especially when my mom is involved, I know I should speak up.

After calming a bit, I picked up my phone and scroll up to my call logs. I saw Maggi’s name and Martin. Two of the names I frequently contacted for the past months. I hesitated who to call first. Maggi’s in the US busy with her Master’s degree in performing arts and she’ll be back home in two months. While Martin is also spending his vacation with his family after canceling it last year due to a hectic schedule at work. I don’t want to interrupt Maggi right now because she might be in the middle of her classes especially since it's thesis time and she might be on the edge right now. Last time I did only lead us to a small quarrel. And we don’t talk for almost a week because of that. Neither do I want to disturb Martin because I know how much he deserves this one-week rest after what he had to sacrifice last year and early this year, too.

But after arriving at my condo, a chat message arrived from one of the people I least to contact, Blake, my cousin who’s eyeing for a position in the company and does everything he could together with his dad just to take away the CEO and COO position from our family—dad being the CEO and me as the COO. That photo message made me stop for a while. I don’t what’s the photo all about. It was just a couple of photos. A guy and a woman hugging each other on the beach. I tried to zoom out but the more I get confused.

But something familiar that caught my attention, it’s a leg tattoo similar to Maggi.

“No way!” I told myself. “Maggi won’t do this to me. She won’t cheat on me. This is just a misunderstanding.” I immediately called Blake and told him to stop messing with my life. But, he just laugh at me and told me to see for myself who’s the guy my girlfriend is spending a cozy vacation with at the beach with. I didn’t bite his bait but once I finished taking bath and ready for bed, a thought came to mind. I remember early this year when I visited her surprisingly in the US which end me getting surprised after seeing him with another guy walking on the street while holding hands sweetly. I didn’t see the face of the guy. I asked her about it and she just deny it. And that memory just fades away like it didn’t happen. I don’t know what she did but I just gave up on my curiosity and continue to trust her. Honestly, I heard rumors from people, and even it got posted on the news about her seeing another man. But the issue just vanished quickly. So, I just ignore it, too. But, now it surpasses again. And what’s worst, Blake is meddling with my private life. And he’s pretty enjoying it.

I laid down on my bed preparing to sleep but no matter how much I closed my eyes and cover myself with a thick blanket, the photo keeps on popping on my head like crazy. I drink a calming tea but it doesn’t help me a bit. The more I feel awake and the photo keeps on lingering on my mind. As much as I want to erase that memory, the more it stays. And knowing my personality, I won’t stop until I fill my curiosity even if it ended me with a lot of trouble. And the best way to calm me is to see it with my two eyes. That’s when I decided. I get up on my bed and pick my keys and a thick sweater. I head out to the place Blake send me.

I drove the car speedily. “Just wait and see, Blake. After this night, you won’t get a piece of messing with my private life. This is the last time I will let you enjoy teasing me like this. So, enjoy it while you can.” I told myself.

With large steps, I went to the resort he mentioned. And since it was already past 11 pm, the surrounding was very peaceful and quiet. I directly headed to the reception area and asked about Maggie but they won’t give any details. No matter how much I explained myself, they won’t confirm if she was staying there and with whom. I get pissed off a bit. I got no choice but to call her. I dialed her number but she won’t pick up. I moved to the seashore to get a better signal but still, she won’t take any of my calls. I texted her but she won’t reply.

I walked a few steps away only to see with my own two eyes the truth I’ve been trying to ignore. I saw Maggie. She’s back. She’s not in the US. Blake was right on that. I moved a few steps towards her, but a guy approached her from the back while kissing her. “She’s cheating on me?” I asked myself trying to deny the truth I saw. But what shook me a lot was the guy she’s together with. My heart stops beating. I couldn’t breathe after finally seeing the guy’s face. It was from the person I trusted the most in my life. It was from the person who I thought would get my back no matter what. It was from the person whom I know the least of the people who would betray me. But, I guess that’s just how unpredictable life is. The least you expect the more it will happen.

My view suddenly became dim. And my emotions got to rise but I didn’t do anything. I just stood there doing nothing while two of the people I trusted the most were cheating on me. Tears keeps on flowing from my eyes, but I didn’t confront them. I just walk away acting like a coward. Just like how I was back then, hiding away and dealing with my pain. And that emotion brought me into the sea. I don’t know what happen but the last thing I remember I was already drowning. I wanted to swim out of the water but my body keeps on pulling me down. I couldn’t move. I wanted to call for help but I can’t. But out of nowhere, someone offered a hand. I tried to reach out but it was an inch far away. And then everything turns black. Just like how it is every time I fall asleep, I end up in a paradise all alone. I was happy but sadness suddenly filled me—a kind of sadness I felt when mom left me. A sadness I’ve been fighting all alone all these years. A sadness I didn’t expect someone as a “HE” would experience since as a man, we are expected to be always tough and brave—someone who doesn’t show any emotions at all.