The Night I Lost Everything

The night my mother died, I was in another man’s arms. That is a guilt I don’t think I will ever outlive. It still doesn’t feel real when I say it in my head, hoping it might somehow change if I repeat it in my head, but nothing does. Even now, standing in the cold, sterile hospital corridor, the memory clings to me like something alive. Everything feels too quiet, like the world paused just to watch me break properly with something breathing down my neck, whispering that I could have been there… that I should have been there. Instead, I was with him. Aiden Hayes. I press my back harder against the wall, my fingers trembling as they curl into the thin fabric of my sweater. I swear I can still hear the faint echo of the doctor’s voice from a few minutes ago, barely remembering his face but remembering his words.“We did everything we could.” That’s what they always say, isn’t it? It sounds kinder than the truth. My mother is gone. Miriam is gone, and I wasn’t there. My chest tightens painfully, as I inhale sharply. A shaky breath escapes my lips, and I drag a hand through my hair, gripping it as if I can pull myself out of this nightmare, but it doesn’t work. Nothing works. Not the silence, not the fluorescent lights, not the people passing by who don’t know that my entire world just ended, because to them, this is just another night. To me… it’s everything. A nurse passes by me quietly, her footsteps soft against the cold floor. She doesn’t look at me for too long. Maybe she has seen too many girls like me tonight. Girls who sit in the hallway, trying not to collapse completely, but I am collapsing, slowly, quietly. My phone vibrates in my hand. I freeze. For a second, I already know who it is before I even look. My chest tightens, my stomach twisting painfully as his name flashes across the screen. Aiden Hayes. I stare at the screen. The name that made me forget myself for a few hours. The same name that had my heart racing just hours ago. The same name that now feels like a wound. I don’t answer—I can’t. Because if I hear his voice right now, I might break in a way I won’t be able to fix. The call stops, then immediately rings again. My grip tightens as my throat burns. I let out a small, broken laugh, pressing the phone into my chest as tears finally spill down my cheeks. Of course, he’s calling. Of course, he has no idea. He doesn’t know that while I was tangled in his sheets, trying to forget the weight of everything falling apart… my mother was dying. The guilt hits me all over again—sharp, merciless, suffocating, so hard that I double over slightly, resting my forehead against my knees as I slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the cold floor. My body feels too heavy, like it doesn’t belong to me anymore. The floor is freezing through my clothes, but I don’t move—I can’t. Everything is wrong. I close my eyes, but that only makes it worse, because then I see her. My mind keeps replaying her face. The last time I saw her. Weak, pale, eyes warm but still smiling at me like she always did—like she was the one comforting me instead of the other way around.“Don’t stop your life for me, Ellie,” she had said softly. “Go to school, live your life.” My throat tightens painfully as I swallow hard. “I should have stayed,” I whisper, my voice breaking in the empty hallway. I should have stayed. I should have held her hand. I should have been there when she—A sob tears through my chest before I can finish the thought. My shoulders shake violently as I bury my face in my hands, trying to silence the sound of my own grief. But grief doesn’t stay silent. My phone buzzes again. This time, a message. I don’t want to look. But I do anyway, because part of me still holds onto him like he’s a lifeline I don’t deserve anymore. Aiden: Where are you? Another message comes in almost immediately. Aiden: You're not saying anything. I stare at the words, my vision blurring. How do I even begin to explain this? How do I tell him that everything has changed in just a few hours? How do I compress a lifetime of pain into a sentence he will understand? That the girl he held last night… isn’t the same girl anymore? My fingers hover over the screen. Then slowly, I type. My mom is dead. I stare at the message. At how small it looks. At how something so life-shattering can fit into just four words. Before I can overthink it, I press send. The typing bubble appears almost instantly. Disappears. Appears again. My heart pounds painfully in my chest. Then— Aiden: What? I let out a hollow laugh, wiping at my tears with the back of my hand. What? That’s the only word he can find? I don’t blame him, there are no right words for something like this. There’s nothing anyone can say that will bring her back. Another message comes through. Aiden: I’m coming. My breath catches. For a moment—just a moment—I want to say yes. I want him here. I want someone to hold me, to tell me I’m not alone, to make this unbearable weight just a little lighter, but then the memory crashes into me again. His hands on my skin, my laughter. The way I let myself forget everything… even if it was just for one night, while she was dying. Guilt floods my chest so violently it almost knocks the air out of me. I shake my head, even though he can’t see me. My fingers move quickly. Don’t. I hit send before I can stop myself. Another pause. Another typing bubble. Aiden: Ellie— I turn off my phone, completely, because if I don’t…I might change my mind and I can’t afford to do that, not anymore. I pull my knees closer, resting my forehead against them as the tears come harder now, uncontrollable, messy, real. Everything is gone. My mother. My stability. My sense of control. And deep down, somewhere I don’t want to admit yet… I know I just lost him too. I don’t know how long I sit there before a nurse approaches me gently. “Ellie?” I look up slowly, my eyes burning. “Yes?” “I’m so sorry for your loss,” she says softly. “We’ll need you to sign some paperwork.” Of course. There’s always paperwork. Even death has procedures. I nod slowly, wiping my face quickly. My tears don’t stop just because I want them to. I force myself to stand, even though my legs feel like they might give out under me. As I follow her down the hallway, every step feels heavier than the last. Like I’m walking away from something I can never return to. Something shifts inside me, something quiet and final. Because I realize, with a clarity that scares me, there is no going back-not to who I was, not to the life I had and definitely not to the girl Aiden met. That girl died tonight too. She leads me to a small office, a clipboard and a pen is placed in front of me. I stare at the paper and my vision becomes blur again. My hands shake as I pick up the pen to sign my mother’s death papers. For a second, I can almost hear her voice in my head again. “Live your life.” A shaky breath leaves me, then I sign, slowly. The nurse takes it gently. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” She repeats. I nod even though I can’t speak anymore. I step out of the office and the hallway feels different. Something inside me has shifted permanently as I slowly walk back into the corridor where I first heard the news. I press my lips together tightly as a thought settles deep in my chest—this night destroyed me completely. I am never going back to the girl I was before Aiden Hayes. I didn’t just lose my mum tonight, I lost everything that made me who I was. But I don’t know it yet… That this is the beginning of everything I’m about to lose.