Not meant to be loved

I did not walk out on my boyfriend/ baby daddy when I found him in bed with another woman. I was pretty young back then but I believed what I wanted to believe because I was desperate to be loved. I had turned 18 while I was pregnant and had given birth in spring. beginning of summer was the first time I found my boyfriend in bed with a college student. It was very had for me to process all of this but I should have left and never looked back but my stupid heart told me to give him another chance for I can't do life without him just like that I had opened the door for him to make a fool out of me and everytime I would caught him cheating on me he made sure I was the one to apologies for it. he didn't need to buy me flowers or to hit me in order for me to do that but he would emotional black mail me while making sure that he told me how no one would ever love me as I already had his child. I was naive to have believed him and stayed with him. I don't know if I was with him because of love or I was with him because I desperately wanted to be loved and I was afraid of being alone. I am a 3rd child out of 5 children. My mother never got married and I am a last child of my parents and my two younger siblings had their father who also didn't marry my mother. I believed my mother never got over our father leaving her and abondoning us in the process but I wanted to be better than her and that meant trying to keep my child's father in her life no matter what and I didn't wanna fail at that. my name is Milano Mavuso, I am Zulu and I am now all grown up from being the naive 18 years girl who chased on a man who didn't love her because I was afraid of being alone. I am now a single mother of two girls and it got worse I stopped believing in love the day I realise why would anyone else loved me while both my parents couldn't care less about me. I think that was the best thing I ever did. After my first boyfriend who was my first everything and definitely my first and forever heart break I decided to find myself, I ended up datind again don't get me wrong I didn't fall in love I just dated, the is a saying that goes if you are young you shouldn't be alone. I guess I was following on that too. After few years dating this guy I found myself pregnant I didn't understand how as I was on birth control but it happened the guy was not someone you will want to go long term with. his goals too would make you skip your meals. He was great in bed and a great lover too in his own way but not great enough to be the father of my child. I asked God several times why he would do this to me again but I learnt to leave with it. This year is the 3rd year after my second born was born and this time I promised myself that I've been single long enough I just wanna date again perhaps if I am not really doomed I'll fall in love again.