The greatest love story

chapter 6

night to say goodnight in a very passionate way.

I continued writing...

This keyboard has become my paintbrush and this video monitor, my canvas. What has happened to me. I'm so emotional now.

I admit I do like things on time, in order, on schedule, and I like neat and clean. But I'm getting more flexible.

But I don't know much about you. Really, who you are, what things don't you like? What upsets you? What makes you happy? What do you want in life? I care enough to want to know.

I've got to end this letter. Why do I stay up so late writing these letters? When you get this it will only be about two weeks until I see you. I hope we can feel comfortable being together again. It's been so long since we had time to talk. I've so much to tell you. Love,

Me

Grace writes back:

A treasured moment of solitude. It is a glorious Tuesday afternoon, my son is at kindermusik and I am looking forward to just being here and writing to you. I only wish this computer could be outside. It is cool and sunny and bright blue out. Last night I went for a run/walk and the moon was almost full and so bright. The honeysuckle breezes filled my soul with a celestial serenity. Those are the times I need-to reconnect with the sky, the trees, the wind. I am amazed at how caught up I get in my routine. I used to, in high school, run (almost) every night. And in college I was out every day on my bike. I used to tell myself that if I ever stopped running, then please shoot me. If I knew then what a bump-on-a-log I am these days I would be very disappointed.

Where was I in 1976? While you were making transforming discoveries in Oakland, I was finishing college in Green Brier and looking forward to Teacher Training for TM. (That was July to October). Green Brier was a smelly town but very quaint. Fort Hugh's Paper Company dominated the town with its odors and smokestacks. But all around the countryside was beautiful. The woods

and the Bay, bird sanctuaries, and the campus which was out in the middle of an old field. (A very big field). The campus was all very modern and the studies were all very interdisciplinary and there were two populations at the school: the town folks who came to this "Community college" and us "Eco-freaks". The school was dubbed "Survival U." And they did have a good program in Environmental Education and Ecology and such. Not much in laboratory sciences though. At least I avoided those classes. True confessions.

I was very independent and loved it. I lived with 4 other girls. We had a big house downtown GB and biked 7 miles to and from school each day. Except when the blizzards came. Then we took the bus. I don't remember the cold though. Except for the time my toe got frostbite from cross-country skiing. What a winter wonderland it was. But you know what, that was a different lifetime. Or so it seems. Maybe I read a vivid book about all that. I can't distinguish the difference.

I this boring you? My reminiscences?

You know what I would like to do right now? I'd like to be with you, far away, walking back. Knowing I had hours to talk with you. To be able to speak openly, unguarded, uninhibitedly. I miss those moments of coherence that we have. That feeling so at home."

"Another short piece here. If I can write for a half hour, it doesn't look like much but I'd rather send it on then wait who knows how long before I finish it. I am very anxiously looking forward to being with you in two weeks. The same feelings are there about 'what is it going to be like to be close to you after so long,' 'where are we now, after a whole year...?' Can I leave the world behind, and my worries and just BE with you?'

Hope this disk gets to you a little easier than the last. I really love you. See you SOON!

It is now May and we are planning to go away on a business trip together.

I wrote to Grace: Thanks for calling me twice yesterday. Your voice brings me

sunshine on a cloudy day. The other purpose of this card is to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. You are a #1 Mommy to your son; he doesn't know how lucky he is to have such a loving patient mother like you. Someday he will tell you himself.

I really wish I could visit you and keep you company this week.

But I guess I'll have to wait until next week to be your "dinner

companion". I received your disk yesterday. Thanks for the data

and very sweet note. I have days, sometimes weeks of missing you

a lot. A lot of times music I listen to or a beautiful flower or sunset

does it. I sometimes feel a little sad when a beautiful day goes by

and I can't share it with you. But usually I'm happy and I don't

remember when I've looked forward to a business meeting like

this before. Thank you and bless you for all your arrangements

and trouble that you went to be here for 6 days. I have so much to

tell you next week! And there are not words for a lot of it. A lot of

things I haven't been able to tell you for three months now. I will

give this card a big hug to send to you - to last all week when you

need one. Next week it'll be for real. I love you.

We had a business meeting in Washington, DC and Grace got a room across from the convention center. The room number was 919 just like the area code in NC that I dialed almost daily. We had a birthday lunch at Tanglewoods, and I took Grace on a Dandy River Boat dinner and cruise up and back down the Potomac. It was on this cruise that we started the tradition of kissing when we went under a bridge. We danced by candlelight on the cruise and it was so romantic even though it rained lightly, I sheltered you with my coat from the rain on the upper deck watching the city lights in the fog. We would buy food for "picnic dinners" in the room so we didn't have to waste time and money going out to eat. We would eat in our play clothes. I saw Grace wearing "Nike" shorts for the first time one night. She never wore shorts before. We kissed so much that our lips chapped and we took frequent "water breaks". For our Anniversary -Grace gave me a box of Lindt chocolates. We shared them each night to give us energy.

Grace wrote after the trip to DC.

My Dear!

Thank you so much for a wonderful five days! And for all the "stimulating discussions"!

You are such a sweet, kind, gentle loving friend. I thank you for the romantic cruise. I'll never forget these times. Thank you for opening your home and heart to me. And for all your sincere support. You mean so much to me and I love you very dearly. God bless you!

God bless us.....

Grace

We planned and looked forward to our first business trip to

Houston, TX. We decided to get two separate rooms at the Adams

Mark Hotel to avoid any awkwardness when the phone rang or when

we turned in our travel receipts. It would be our first anniversary

celebration. One year since that first kiss in Orlando. Grace would

come up to my room, then I would go down to Grace's room. Always

what we needed was in the other room. "This is not going to work"

we both said. So I moved all my stuff to Grace's room. The second

night we tried to sleep together. No s*x only kissing, sometimes

intimate kissing. When we touched in bed there was such electricity

between us and neither one of us slept a wink and we were dog tired

in the morning. We hoped no one would notice the bags under our

eyes. We decided after one night we should sleep separately. We did

go out to dinner and spend the evening together loving each other. We

did everything except actual intercourse, since Grace didn't want to

commit adultery. It took every ounce of will power we both had to

honor that wish. We drove down to Galveston and walked along the

beach watching the waves and clouds. We had breakfast at a Ramada

Inn overlooking the Gulf. One warm afternoon we ate ice cream at the

Marble Slab. We visited the Johnson Space Center and went grocery

shopping for bubble bath. We went swimming together for the first

time in the hotel's roof top pool and Grace looked so delicious in her

tight swimming suit. We went to the Texas Tumbleweed and I

watched Grace dance with the Cloggers. Grace was quite a good

dancer to my surprise. On the way to the airport on I-45 we held

hands knowing we would soon part for a while. I remember waving

goodbye in Terminal A as you got on your plane to NC, before I went

to Terminal B to catch my plane to MD.

Grace gave me an anniversary card in Houston. "On our 'anniversary' of one year of being away, discovering our love, or something. We began a long time back..... But it was on a hot night in Orlando When a warm kiss sealed our love. Since then, for this past year we have had 365 days of thinking of each other 90 days at 9:00 PM sending warm thoughts -being together in spirit- and blowing warm, wet kisses south.... 275 days at 10:00 PM (we changed time to one hour later to accommodate schedules). and countless daily instantaneous smiles from remembering a friend... We spent 56 days together Walked together, swam together Rode in a car, bus, boat, and train together Made over 200 phone calls Alone and private. Walked in parks - Umstead Park, Lake Needwood, Lake Frank, Vista Point, Duke Gardens, Brookside Gardens, Chapel Hill Arboreatum...

Traveled - between the both of us - 9200 miles to see each other.

Found 11 different quiet places to be

We shared our favorite music and learned each other's past.

Our hearts have grown

Stronger and fonder-

May this love forever last.

For everything you do, and are-

I thank you

I love you

(signed with a smiley heart)"

See June 1990

I wrote back- It is finally settling in what has happened in the past month. We have grown so close this spring. Closer in understanding of each other and closer mentally and physically. You have made my knees weak and my head spin. You have shown me a kind of love

that I have always longed for a caring, a gentle, and a sweet love. I got this urge to write tonight to you, to tell you what my feelings are. I didn't think things could get much better after the meeting, here in Washington. I was in a dreamy heaven each night as I rode the Metro back to Shady Grove.

Then last Saturday (has it only been eight days?) I was flying

on a jet plane to Houston, not knowing how everything would

work out for us. When I saw you at the airport you looked so

radiant! SO beautiful - I had to squeeze you right there and then.

We had a private bus ride to the Hertz lot to get the car. I

remember holding your hand. Yes the same feeling was there, as

last June in Orlando. I worried that the magic feeling would wane

and disappear, throughout this year. We had the whole day. I

knew that you were apprehensive about your colleagues noticing

your disappearance overnight, if we went to Galveston, like my

story. I knew then that it should just stay a story a story with a

happy ending that we can think about and smile. I remember

seeing you for the first time swimming with me in the pool. How I

wanted you to come swimming with us at Heritage Hills pool in

NC. I think you looked pretty terrific in your new suit. Then

meditating with you in the quietness of your room. I could really

sense your presence. Thoughts of you and our days to come

flooded my mind. I was very reluctant to go to that meeting

Saturday night. Three hours away from you, when we could be

together. I almost left the meeting at 8:30pm during the break; I

actually took all my papers and went to my room. Then I got to

feeling that I should go back and finish the meeting. Well I'm glad

I did cause it ended at about 9:40. I went to my room and called

you. No answer. I actually called every 10 minutes, until you

answered. I guess it was after 10pm. For the first time I shared a

bed with you and slept with you (but no s*x) all night, but we

couldn't sleep. Sunday morning came quick, but I was too excited

to be tired. When I saw you in the lobby that morning you were

smiling. It was a beautiful morning driving down the highway to

Galveston. I remember looking at you as you were meditating in

the car. The sun and surf and sand and you so beautiful an

experience!

Monday morning - 8:15am

Had to end that letter last night. It was after 11pm. Today it's a bright beautiful morning. There's a song in my heart, and it's about you. You make me happy and you make me feel wonderful. And I love you so much. Yesterday I missed you a lot, as I tried to remember all the wonderful things about last Sunday. Even shopping in the grocery store with you. You need not worry - I'm too reserved to kiss you in the produce department. I'd kiss you anywhere else though. Hmmm... I feel really uneasy - not knowing when I'll see you next time, not knowing when I'll ever get to hold you close again. Will it be one month or two or three? Will it be a lonely summer? No numbers on my calendar to count down. I would like to come to Chapel Hill with my family to visit everyone. Hope we can get some time together then. What will be our excuse? We could say we're going to the lab and skip out to Lake Jordan or somewhere. I could plan a site visit in September. There is always Petersburg for a tour of the battlefield. It's about 2 hr away from RTP and 2-1/2 hr from DC.

How can my heart feel so full and my body feel so empty at the same time. Did we overdose on each other last week? You are indeed an angel in a long "green" gown. I'll never forget how beautiful you looked on many, many occasions over the past month. Who would believe it, I certainly would not have believed that you were so wonderful and sensual this time last year.

I remember seeing you Monday morning, across the room at the meeting. I couldn't take my eyes off of you. I forgot there was a speaker and began to daydream once or twice. Just seeing you at a distance from time to time on Monday was nice. Our dinner at "Christie's" was also another memorable time. I'm glad we can eat a meal together again. I just get so excited when you're around that I'm not hungry. Maybe that's why I eat like a horse when I return from these meetings. I'm even looking forward to calling you this morning although I don't know what I'll say. Except that I really miss you. And that I really love you. I hope last week can be repeated next year at another meeting. But if it isn't, it will always remain a high point in my life. (I thought the

DC meeting was a high point - didn't know it could get any better

Thank you for opening your home and heart to me. And for all your sincere support. You mean so much to me and I love you very dearly. God bless you! God bless us.....

Grace

Then I received this letter a week later June 4, 1990

A few words to add to this letter before it goes out.

I write this if you promise to tear it into 1000 tiny pieces and deposit 3 separate trash bins. (Guess I didn't follow these instructions!!)

Last week with you was so wonderful. It feels so good and so comfortable to be so close to you. A good analogy for you is Clark Kent/Superman- on the outside you are mild mannered, hardworking, devoted scientist. On the inside there is this incredible energy and creative soul, sexy and incurably romantic. One with "super-powers". When I'm near you, I am under your spell. And one of those super powers is knowing when to put the brakes on. I greatly admire & appreciate your strength here. You are right- I probably wouldn't be able to look in the mirror. And I think this brings out the strength between us. We know what's right and our love is strong enough to last a long time. Traditions are there for something. Feelings can get very confusing. I wouldn't want to have any uncomfortable feelings to hinder our future.

But on the other hand....damn! I look forward to being with you again next week. Let me know if you want to go "see any posters". If I have to "make a few phone calls" that means- I'm going to my room - meet me in 15 minutes. If you have to make some phone calls, I'll come see you. Whichever is less obvious. I will be feeling very conscious, having my peers there, to not be obvious about anything. We'll put our acting abilities to be test. I sure love you!

Now-go rip this up!!

-NOW!

Enclosed is your first "advanced lecture"! So- sit down, put your

feet up and open your mind. I send this with love and hopes that my words flow more freely with future "lectures". These are just some thoughts wish I could be there in person to talk about these things. Love You!

This is the I-95 thinking corridor. We are on cruise control at 68

mph. fresh Aire VI is softening the road noise. I am somewhere

between DC and NC. I wanted to tell you how happy I am that you are

enjoying TM. I really, really hope that Mariam doesn't get

discouraged. If she is doing it right she will get results. Be persistent.

Remind her that it works for you and it will for her too. Doubt is a

very inhibiting emotion to progress. Even a little fresh breeze of

quietness in meditation is a good sign. Her experiences may be too

subtle to notice. Can you after 2 months of meditating 2x every day

and feeling better bit by bit, in body and mind, can you begin to

appreciate the idea or concept that the major obstacle to living up to

the full possibilities of our bodies and minds, are those layers &

layers of stress & imbalances in our bodies...? (Long sentence) Can

you appreciate the concept of perfect functioning of the body perfect

health, is part of the normal design of these bodies. We all have the

capability to experience this. When in meditation we create & operate

a "pipeline" to that source within us, the source of energy &

intelligence, that influence has a purifying effect on the body. And the

rest we get has a normalizing effect. We are as a light bulb that is

dusty and dirty. To appreciate our full wattage- we clean the bulb.

The healing ability of the body is infinitely complex and powerful. You

see that in the intricate feedback systems of repair enzymes and

balancing loops no one chemical is allowed out of equilibrium.

Homeostasis is an incredible process. Why don't more researchers

examine the ability of the body to fight disease or am I just ignorant to

the work being done here? How can we elicit the body's own healing

response? By dumping chemicals in? These is a phrase from the 2nd

day of lectures when you learn TM. It says, there is no way that our

"individual" effort or inception can accomplish what nature does

automatically (This is in relationship to the inward & outward strokes

of meditation). In meditation we employ no effort because by nature's

design, the process goes automatically. (By the way, I haven't

forgotten about your question about 'how does a physical stress

release result in thoughts on the outward stroke' - I will find a good

Besides I remember how incredibly sexy you were when you were pregnant. I could never tell you then. And seeing you happy would make me happy. You were so happy in the hospital after KD was born.

I'm planning a trip to Birmingham for a site visit this winter, probably mid-December. I would like to stop in NC for a day or two on my way, OK?

I do miss you every day, some days more than others. Even after an entire year, the big hole is still there in my heart. Sunday's seem to be harder. I guess it's because it's the second day I haven't talked to you. I wish we could talk like friends on the phone at home at night. But because we're the opposite s*x, it makes it suspicious? I could have bought you a thousand gifts in Colorado, but I bought you some seeds for the Colorado State Flower, the Columbine. These are elegant, stately, and such a beautiful flower. They remind me of you. So that's why I brought them. I hope they grow for you. We got some of our pictures back yesterday, they are good, a few very nice ones. I'll bring them to Chapel Hill next Thursday. The card says what I want to say this time. Like a rose bush, our love has blossomed and grew more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. And it keeps on blooming and blooming, I hope forever. The secret rose I gave you may need to be dried if you want to keep it. I don't know how it will keep in that little bag.

I can't wait to see you. And when I rub my eyes, it means I love you. I hope we can get some time alone. For just a moment, for just an hour, "Just to be close to you....." I'm sorry this is so loooooong - you just do that to me."

I wrote again on Monday July 23rd 9:15am

"I'm really looking forward to seeing you at lunchtime. I still remember my last birthday very clearly. It was a hot Sunday in your new office. I think we were soaring into heaven and thru the clouds. I remember being in awe at your beauty. I never realized how wonderful being closer to you could be. The roses you gave me were so beautiful. I still remember how surprised that anyone would give me roses. I guess there is a first time for everything. I

enjoyed the roses for weeks. I told the folks at my office they were from a "good friend" back home. Don't know whether they bought this explanation or not. You were so sweet!! Yes I remember now you were so sweet! Hmmmm....

Hope we can get away Saturday morning. I've got Monday excused from the family visits. And I think I've got Saturday morning, OK to go to the lab. I think we can "gracefully" be excused to spend some special time together, at least from my family.

If not, I'll see you in September (sounds like song lyrics). I think my eye will be very itchy today (that means I love you a lot)! I can feel you getting closer this morning. Until our next Hello on Thursday night!.

IN GOD

946

Grace wrote a poem to me on July 6, 1990 with rock enclosed in the envelope)

Let me be a rock in your pocket! And take me with you to Colorado. Let me go where you go, And see what you see. If you need me, you'll know where I'll be, Just reach in and give me a squeeze.

Take me to the top of the mountains, Get me wet with you in the river. Sing me a song at our evening o'clock Pull me out for a kiss-when and where ever you need one...

and I will close my eyes and imagine that you are standing next to me. I'll try to take lots of pictures, so that I can show you where you've been. I'll try to direct some of the cool mountain breezes toward you in the evening. So if your window is open they will cool you at night.

Tomorrow is travel to Vail day. The password for tomorrow is "vail". Can you wait to open my daily letters? Anyone with our kind of will power can surely wait a day!I really love you, Me

Grace wrote back to me a day later

Back to you. I am terrible about anticipating your words...I read Saturday's note on Thursday and Sunday's note on Saturday. BUT I won't go any farther. So you see, I really don't have much willpower. I thought of you often today about your journey. I felt or imagined I felt you getting farther and farther away. You will have a beautiful time and I hope you have some special moments with your family. We have been plugging away at the work in the basement in hopes of you all being our first special guests to stay there. After making a list of what is yet to be done, I don't know....

The carpet is here so we have to work fast but is a perfectionist and won't rush. I put the third coat of varnish on the door trim and baseboards today. Tedious but they come out so nice. I don't know where we ever got the patience to do the upstairs to this house. I do clearly remember the times you came out to the house while we were building and being very proud to show it to you. I also have this picture of standing looking out my unfinished kitchen window to the driveway, listening to Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" and thinking of you...

Tonight is the full moon. The full moon of July is called Guru Purnima. That is when thoughts of those that gave us the wisdom of transcending come to mind. We remember them with fullness in our hearts and souls. Especially Maharishi's teacher, Guru Dev. He must have been an incredible man.

Tonight I will also remember an incredible man that has brought much fullness to my heart and joy to my life. That's you sweetheart! Goodnite!

Grace then continued to write....

There won't be any one here this afternoon to help me celebrate the passing of time at 4:56 7-8-90. A cosmic coherence of numbers. I've always been fascinated by numbers.

Just another note to you. I'm at work and have taken two days to compile a package for you. Things about changing the assay. There are a few codes in there. Hope you find them. This project is getting to be overwhelming at this point. As soon as I get organized and caught up, it will be smooth sailing. HOW did you do it all??

Been missing you and missing talking to you. It has been unique, both you and Howard being out of town this week. I'm hard pressed to answer who I miss most. I feel funny about that. Another thing I feel funny about is something I need more time to explain then I have right now. It is something about how you inspire me so much professionally, and how much this job is occupying my mind and energy and how addicting it is...that I really question my desire for adding another member to the family. And I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I feel that as a full time mother again, I would be farther away from contact with you. I guess we would adapt, shoot! I could spend all day typing to you, with baby in my lap.... Just strange feelings that come and go through my head.

I missed Grace so badly - I decided to try to give her a phone call at 8:30am EST, so I got up unnoticed and tried to call at 6:30am MST from the hotel lobby. I thought that Howard would be gone to work by 8:30 am. OOPS- Howard answered, I should have hung up, but I asked to speak with Grace. The conversation was short and stilted.

Grace wrote back to me...

I feel AWFUL!

Bless you for calling this morning.

I wasn't asleep, WE were meditating. Howard was right there and I couldn't say a thing. How would I explain you getting up at 6:30 AM to call me from Colorado? There was no discussion of your call except I said, "that was Richard, calling to say hello".. I know you felt funny, I felt funny.

I really wanted to talk to you. I suppose we gracefully weather these awkward times but I wonder if they are completely forgotten by spouses.